Almond Boneless Themepark

If your looking for some outdoor fun this fall, you might travel over to China for the new Communist Theme Park. 

- The only problem is, park admission is free for everyone, but only government officials get to ride the rides.

- If you've ever wanted to go on a roller coaster run by an underpaid 5 year old, this park is for you. 

- The "Commie Coaster" is reportedly so much fun, after you ride it, you want to ride it again an hour later. 

- If you go there, they guarantee you'll have a sweet...and sour time. 

*****

Hillary Clinton unveiled her new gun control policy on Monday. 

- I don't know... She can't even get her husband to keep his gun in it's holster. 

*****

An Internet hoax claimed that Calitlyn Jenner was thinking about changing back to Bruce, because the whole thing was a bad idea. 

- This is a whole new take on the "He Said/She Said" thing. 

*****

A Tennessee man who was arrested for stealing a truck told police he did it he could spend some time in jail away from his wife. 

- Apparently he doesn't realize that in Jail, he's going to BE somebody's wife. 

*****

Steve Jobs' ex is calling the new movie "Steve Jobs" a travesty. 

- But his kids say he would have liked the film and so do they. Proving that the Apples don't fall far from the tree. 

*****

Matthew McConaughey is said to be completely unrecognizable on the set of his new movie, "Gold". 

- Sounds like somebody took a shower and put on a shirt. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

A Hair Trigger?

Donald Trump told a group in Tennessee that he always carries a gun and would shoot anyone who tried to harm him. 

- He carries it in his hair. 

*****

The hot rumor in DC is that Joe Biden will announce that he's running for President sometime this week. 

- It's a good thing Trump is the one packing heat and not Hillary. 

*****

Whole Foods announced that they'll stop selling pre-made Tilapia dinners made by prison inmates. 

- That's a shame... The fish was so tender you could cut it with a shiv. 

*****

A CNBC survey found that 20% of Uber users are holding off on buying a car because the App makes travel so convenient. 

- But considering what Uber charges, users could probably afford a Porsche for six months. 

*****

An ad campaign in California is accusing the hook-up App Tinder for spreading STDs. 

- Remember the good old days when it was just Madonna that was responsible for spreading STDs?

- And most the the STD's are contracted in the back of Uber cars. 

*****

A new study found that while teenage boys and girls text the same amount (167 texts a day), it affects girls grades badly, but not boys. They say it's because girls use texts to nurture friendships while boys just text important "stuff".  

- Like "Check out hot babe texting in front row". 

*****

Florida police say the person responsible for a hit and run last month was former Partridge Family star David Cassidy. 

- Admit it. You thought I was going to say Danny Bonaduce. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

And The Woman Of The Year Is...

Billboard Magazine announced that they're naming Lady Gaga as their "Woman of the Year". 

- I would have gone with Caitlyn Jenner... I mean she's got the whole package. Literally. 

*****

The Clinton campaign revealed that Hillary has raised $28 million in the last 3 months. 

- Put another way, she gave 4 speeches. 

*****

Meanwhile CNN is reporting that Joe Biden acted "very presidential" at the UN Conference. 

- Which basically means he didn't use his notepad to doodle "Kim Jong Un Is A Meanie" like he usually does. 

*****

A new App called "Peeple" will allow users to rate friends, co-workers and even romantic partners on a scale of one to five stars...then post it for all the world to see. 

- They should just call it "Bill Cosby's Worst Nightmare". 

- This is going to take the expression "Everyone's a critic" to a whole new level. 

*****

"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson has endorsed Donald Trump for President. 

- If Trump can just get Honey Boo Boo to say she likes him, he'll have a lock on the all important "Moonshine & Shotgun" vote. 

*****

A new Yahoo survey found that teenagers in Montana have higher thoughts of harming themselves. 

- In a related story, teenagers in Colorado have higher thoughts in general. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! 

-Dick 

A New Marcher In The Springfield Gay Pride Parade

The producers of "The Simpsons" revealed that Mr. Burns' assistant Smithers is going to come out as gay in an upcoming episode. 

- He was going to come out last year, but somebody accidentally erased the closet. 

- The producers were going to wait until Bart and Lisa were old enough to understand, but it looks like that's not gonna happen. 

*****

New England Patroit's Quarterback Tom Brady has backed off his endorsement of Donald Trump, saying he'll vote for whoever he feels is the best candidate.  

- Not surprisingly, Donald Trump is a tad deflated. 

*****

A new survey shows that 59% of Americans don't believe immigrants learn English quickly enough. 

- To hear more about this story in Spanish...press one. 

*****

A dog in Nova Scotia got trapped under a car bumper for 125 miles and survived without a single injury. 

- If Mitt Romney had known about this UNDER the car trick, he'd be in the White House right now. 

*****

Google is going to provide high-speed WiFi in 400 railway stations in India.  

- So now that tech named "Steve" will be able to help you with your computer problems before he even gets to work. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced that their baby boy is due on Christmas day. 

- It will be a lot like Jesus's birth except there won't be Three Wise Men or a Virgin anywhere in the area. 

- Kim plans on having a home birth.... in a 22,000 square foot manger. 

- There will be plenty of barnyard animals on hand including a dozen sheep, ten oxen and six asses - if you count Kanye. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The Princess And The Frog

Taylor Swift and Mick Jagger sang a duet of "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" at her concert over the weekend. 

- It was weird, but still not as weird as what Aretha did in front of the Pope. 

*****

Hillary Clinton's Campaign is holding a contest in which the winner gets to have dinner with Hillary. 

- Just email in your entry... and it'll never be seen again. 

*****

New York prison worker Joyce Mitchell was sentenced to 7 years for helping those two inmates escape. 

- She asked her husband to bring her some power tools on visiting day. 

*****

Fox News Anchor Shephard Smith accidentally credited Leonardo di Caprio with painting the Mona Lisa. 

- C'mon! Everyone knows Brian Williams painted the Mona Lisa while under heavy fire from the Italians. 

*****

Former Playboy Bunny, Holly Madison says that Hugh Hefner bribed her with $3 million to stay married to him. 

- Of course back in the day, Hugh ponied up 3 hundred dollars to get DOLLY Madison to sleep with him. 

*****

A study by UC Davis found that 25% of the fish sold in California have plastic in their stomachs. 

- And 90% of the female fish have plastic in their breasts. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Pope Home In Rome

Pope Francis is back in Rome after a tremendously successful trip to the U.S. that I think did a lot of good for the Church here in the States. He proved himself to be a humble, personable, likable, humorous, inspirational, charismatic and deeply spiritual man. But I have one question...as I'm sure the Pope does as well... Just what song was Aretha Franklin singing??? It sure didn't sound like "Amazing Grace" to me. 

*****

Last nights Supermoon/Lunar Eclipse produced a spectacular blood-red moon that won't happen again until 2033. 

- Which will be right around the time the 2016 Presidential Race will be wrapping up. 

*****

Bill Clinton is blaming both Republicans and the media for what he calls a "full frontal assault" against Hillary with the ongoing email scandal. 

- And if anybody knows about "full frontal assaults" it's Bill. 

- Then added, "I did Not have sex with that woman...Hillary Clinton". 

*****

President Obama is meeting with Vladimir Putin at the UN today. 

- They'll order lunch-in since all the restaurants have a "No Shirt, No Shoes, So Service" policy. 

*****

Censorship officials in Vietnam have introduced a new rule that limits movie sex scenes to no more than 5 seconds. 

- Apparently they're trying to lower Vietnamese women's expectations. 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner finished the necessary legal steps to officially become a woman. 

- So now she's free to get any job she wants and get paid less than she did as a man! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #173: "Or Should We Say 'PeedCast'?"

Click here to download Podcast

Welome to the first weekend of Fall and Podcast #173. This go 'round, Jackie and I cover a cornucopia of topics including: 

- Are the Muppets too sexy for 8pm on ABC? 

- The Pontiff and his UberPopeMobile.

- Special guest "Charlie"...and how life begins at 14. 

- What my 3 year old grandson (and born performer) Brayden did in the bathroom... a technique I've never seen before. 

- Speaking of that... What's the #1 way  to put a woman in a romantic mood? 

- What two vegetables are guaranteed to make you gain weight?

- A few "Paraprosdokians". 

- What every person on earth emits... and can be individually identified by. 

- And the new high end fashion trend that was formerly forbidden.  (I knew I was ahead of my time!). 

So while you may have to wait for the leaves to change color, you don't have to wait for Podcast 173. Go ahead... rake it in!  (39:14)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Group Calls "Fowl" Over Frog & Pig...

The group "One Million Moms" is demanding that ABC cancel the new Muppet Show because of it's sexually explicit humor. 

- Sounds like the Muppets aren't the only ones with a stick up their butts. 

- Wait until they read the shocking new book by Miss Piggy about her relationship with Kermit. It's called "Fifty Shades of Green". 

*****

The Pope will say mass in New York City today, and in anticipation of the crowds, 200 gallons of Sacramental Wine have been prepared. 

- And just in case any parishioners are "over served" the Pontiff has volunteered to give them a ride home in his UberPopeMobile.

*****

A federal judge ruled that "Warner/Campbell" does not own the copyright to the song Happy Birthday. 

- He ruled it belongs to the person who has heard it the most, so let me be the first to congratulate Abe Vigoda! 

*****

A study published in the journal Peer discovered that every person on earth emits - and can be identified by - their own unique "microbial cloud of bacteria". 

- Or as my late father would have called it, "Flatulence & Old Spice".

*****

A survey by Jobvite found that 92% of recruiters use Social Media as part of their hiring process.  

- So parents, forget sending your kid to an expensive college... just make sure you get them a top-of-the-line Selfie-Stick. 

*****

A red headed British man was busted for plotting to kill Prince Charles so Prince Harry would be closer to the throne. 

- If Harry's drunken party trips to Vegas are a clue, he already spends a lot of him time "close to the throne". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow

-Dick 

Help! I've Fall-en And I Can't Get Up!

Fall officially arrived in the U.S. at 4:22  this morning.  

- Look on the bright side...only 271 days until Summer starts next June! 

*****

The Pope visited the White House this morning where he gave a speech to 15,000 guests on the White House lawn.  

- President Obama signaled the beginning of the speech by lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke up the White House chimney. 

***** 

Yankee's baseball legend and Hall of Famer Yogi Berra has died at the age of 90. 

- If you feel like you already heard that Yogi died...it's deja vu all over again. 

- As Yogi once said, "Always go to other people's funerals...otherwise, they won't come to yours." 

RIP Yogi!

*****

A new book claims that Hillary Clinton is being plagued by multiple health problems that could end her campaign early. 

- In a related story, Bill is being plagued by multiple health problems that can be cleared up by a strong dose of antibiotics. 

*****

A survey by the National Center for Health Statistics found that Apples are the favorite fruit among U.S. kids. 

- So in addition to making computers and iPhones, Apple is now making Fruit? Wow...what an amazing company! 

*****

Publishing house Simon & Schuster has signed Donald Trump to write a book about his Presidential Campaign. 

- Scott Walker's deal to write a book about HIS Presidential Campaign has now been downgraded to a Pamphlet. 

*****

Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner's show "I Am Cait" has Not been picked up for a second season by E! and is struggling to find another network. 

- It takes a lot of cajones to cancel such a politically correct show. 

- Caitlyn accused the network of "emasculating" her. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

"...Happy Birthday to You!"

Happy 14th Birthday to Jackie's son, and my Grandson Charlie! 

*****

Pope Francis begins his 3-Day tour of the U.S. today. 

- He's the oldest guy to go on tour here since Mick Jagger. 

*****

After serving his 6-Month suspension, Brian Williams will return to TV today... he'll be covering the Pope's visit on MSNBC beginning at 3pm EST. 

- That is, if his war-torn plane from Syria lands safely and on time. 

- Brian better not make up any stories about the Pope. The Pontiff does have some connections pretty high up. 

*****

According to statistics, more people have been killed taking selfies this year than have been killed by sharks by a margin of 12 to 8. 

- And if you try to take a picture of yourself with a shark, the number goes even higher. 

*****

A CNN Poll found that Hillary Clinton's lead over Bernie Sanders would double if Joe Biden decides not to run. 

- Now she just has to figure out a way to delete Joe Biden. 

*****

A new study out of Germany claims that sex doesn't cause heart attacks. 

- Unless you come home and find your wife having sex with someone else, in which case all bets are off. 

*****

Donald Trump told a high school audience to avoid drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. 

- And then he told them that all of their female teachers were ugly. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Burgers, Swashbucklers & Babes...Oh My!

Three big events this weekend: Today is National Cheeseburger Day...Tomorrow is National Talk Like A Pirate Day...And Sunday is National Women's Friendship Day.

- This last one hosted by Donald Trump!?!?!

*****

Hillary Clinton's campaign has started releasing 30 year old photos of her in an effort to soften her image. 

- It's a technique usually used by women on Match. com. 

*****

New York's Fashion Week ends this Sunday.

- And you'll know it's over on Monday because the Pope will be the only one still wearing White after Labor Day. 

*****

Oscar Meyer has a new dating App call Sizzl that shows people nearby who share a love of bacon. 

- For the more health conscious daters, they should come up with a Sizzl-lite App that hooks you up with people who like Turkey Bacon. 

*****

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

The Date For The Debate!

Over 25 Million Americans are expected to watch the second Republican debate on CNN tonight. 

- Donald Trump says that 11 million of the viewers are in this country illegally and plans to build a wall around their TV's. 

- The debate will be just like a WWE Smackdown... except the blows will be real. 

*****

Facebook has announced that it will add a new "Dislike" button. 

- So come October, you'll finally be able to tell your friends what you really think about those pictures of their cats dressed in Halloween costumes. 

*****

Hillary Clinton told Kanye West that if he wants run for President, he should wear comfortable shoes because there's a lot of walking involved. 

- Or in Hillary's case... tap dancing. 

- In a related story, Bill Clinton told Kim Kardashian if she wants to be First Lady she should wear stilettos...because he likes them. 

*****

Next week, Taco Bells in Chicago and San Francisco will begin serving alcohol. 

- Up until now, the only alcohol at Taco Bell has been INSIDE the customers who show up at 2am for a double order of Nachos Bell Grande.

*****

Two men in China attempted to sell their kidneys on the black market so they could buy new iPhones. 

- Thinking of doing something stupid? Apparently you don't need an App for that.  

*****

Disney is making a new Mary Poppins movie that will take place several decades after the original. 

- In this one, instead of using an umbrella to fly, Mary uses a cane to walk. 

- And she sings, "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps The Metamucil Go Down". 

*****

Gary Richrath, a former guitarist for REO Speedwagon, has died at 65. 

- I heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard from another he'd been under the weather. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

VEEP?

Hillary Clinton says the thought of having Bill as her Vice President has crossed her mind, but she doesn't think it would be allowed under the Constitution. 

- Hey it's a natural... When you think "Vice"... you think Bill Clinton!

*****

A Gitmo prisoner accused of being a close associate of Osama Bin Laden has a dating profile on Match.com in which he describes himself as "Detained but ready to mingle". 

- It also says he's "Looking for a virgin"... 72 of 'em. 

- He joined Match after a few bad experiences on eBurka.com

*****

NBC announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of The Apprentice. 

- Instead of saying "You're Fired", Ahnold will say "You're Terminated". 

*****

During a 90 minute speech in front of 20,000 Texans Monday, Donald Trump actually had women in the audience crying because they were so happy. 

- A lot of women end up in tears around The Donald...but it's usually because he just insulted them. 

*****

Brian Williams announced that he will make his MSNBC debut on September 22. 

- He wanted to start on September 1st, but claims that the network shot him down. 

*****

Kim Kardashian launched a new website and App yesterday that let's her fans in on everything from fashion tips to photos, and for just $2.99 you can get private info about Kim's life. 

- It's a scam! There IS NO private info about Kim's life! 

*****

North Korea's Kim Jong Un has threatened the U.S. with a nuclear attack that could come "at any time". 

- Sounds like somebody ran out of relatives to kill. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Here She Is...

The Lions lost... but Congratulations to both U of M and MSU for their big wins this weekend at their home openers!

And speaking of winning... Miss Georgia, 21 year old Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America Sunday night, despite giving a bizarre answer to a question about Tom Brady and Deflategate. 

- She had a hard time concentrating on the question, because her own implants had started to deflate. 

*****

Rick Perry became the first Republican Candidate to withdraw from the Presidential race. 

- He had 3 reasons for pulling out, but could only remember 2 of them. 

*****

Speaking of politics... Hillary Clinton told an audience that as President, she would have our military wipe out Iran if they violated our trust on the Nuclear deal. 

- This is a departure for Hillary...usually when she wipes something out, she uses the delete key. 

- Am I the only one who thinks President Obama ALREADY violated our trust on the nuke deal with Iran? 

*****

A survey by YouBeauty.com found that a growing number of women are using pricey face creams that contain bird poop. 

- Call me crazy but I'd think that would make your Crow's feet worse.  

*****

Sir Elton John says he'd like to meet with Vladimir Putin to try and change his anti-gay policies. 

- And to see him in person without a shirt. 

*****

Season 21 of Dancing With the Stars premieres tonight featuring "celebs" including Paula Deen, Chaka Khan, Gary Busey, and Victor Espinoza, the jockey who rode "American Pharaoh" into Triple Crown history. 

- Despite being the shortest male competitor at 5' 2", Espinoza is the favorite to win, according to a Gallop poll.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #172: "Believe It Or Not"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #172. If you're into the weird world of the unexplainable - join Jackie, former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle and me for a discussion of personal & celebrity experiences with the paranormal. From Angels to Apparitions... Near-Death Experiences to Messages from the Great Beyond, it's all here. The stories are true... how you feel about them is up to you. As Tom says "There are two kinds of people: Those who don't believe in ghosts and those who've seen one". Oooooh! That's scary!

So kick your weekend off with a Bang...or in this case a "Boo" with Podcast #172. (49:30)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Donald Doubles Down On Double Stuff

Donald Trump announced that he's never eating Oreos again because Nabisco is moving it's factories to Mexico. 

- And he vowed to build a wall to keep the cookies from immigrating back into the U.S. 

- The Donald also announced that he loves Keebler cookies in an effort to lock up the elf vote. 

- Meanwhile Al Sharpton accused Trump of favoring Vanilla Wafers. 

*****

In other "Need to Know" news... The National Enquirer is reporting that Michelle Obama wants to divorce Barack because he's been flirting with Caroline Kennedy. 

- Meanwhile Republicans are mad at Obama for being in bed with Iran. 

*****

New research shows that "Mindfulness Meditation", where you concentrate on your breathing, may cause people to "recall" things that didn't actually happen. 

- The study was funded by former NBC News Anchor Brian Williams.

*****

A University of Wisconsin study suggests that "Gaydar" isn't a real thing. 

- They also discounted the concept of "Deja Vu"...so if you think someone's gay and feel like you had that exact thought before, you're wrong. 

*****

Toys 'R' Us has released its annual list of the top 15 Christmas toys. 

- I'm looking forward to Transgender Barbie which is basically a Ken Doll that comes with a pair of little plastic pumps.

- There's also a "Tickle Me Isis" doll that laughs, then explodes when you touch it. 

*****

Kim Kardashian flipped out at Kanye West after reading some racy text messages on his phone. 

- She was looking at HIS phone because HER phone broke when she accidentally butt dialed it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

A Crowning Achievement!

At a little after 4pm London time this afternoon, 89 year old Queen Elizabeth will become the longest reigning monarch in British History at 63 years, 7 months, edging out her great-great Grandmother Queen Victoria. 

- Crowds shouted "Long Live The Queen!"...and Prince Charles shouted back "She's Lived Long Enough!"

*****

Hero Jedi Fighter Sinjir Rath Velus announces he's gay in a new novel, which is part of the Star Wars franchise. 

- He comes out when Princess Leia hits on him and he asks if she has a brother.  

- His character is mostly monogamous, but admits to liking a little "Wookie on the side". 

*****

Bob Bashara may testify in his appeals hearing next week claiming that his lawyers didn't put his affair and S&M Bondage lifestyle "in context". He says his attorneys failed to mention that he and his wife had a "marital understanding". 

- Apparently the "understanding" included him hiring a hit man to kill her. 

*****

A Canadian Parliament Candidate ended his campaign after he was caught relieving himself in a coffee mug. 

- Is anyone surprised? The mug read #1 Candidate! 

*****

Reports out of Hollywood say that David Beckham is in talks to be the next James Bond. 

- He'll be the first Bond to "Head Bump" all of the bullets fired at him. 

- In a related story, rumor has it the next "Bond Girl" will be Caitlyn Jenner. 

*****

A letter from 1981 has surfaced in which Richard Nixon encourages Donald Trump to get into politics. 

- Nixon originally taped the message, but Rosemary Woods erased it. 

*****

Vanderbilt University is holding lectures for male students on what it means to have a healthy masculinity. 

- They'll be lots of quizzes and a big Test-osterone at the end of the semester. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

Reading, Riting, and Rithmatic...

It's back to school for all the public school kids around the State today! 

The first day was always my most dreaded day of the year. I'll never forget my mom walking me to my Kindergarten room where I met my teacher Miss Lydie who handed me a coloring book and crayons. It was the beginning of a stellar Academic career! 

My fondest memory of elementary school was when my Second Grade teacher, Mrs. Tennant, made me Peter Cottontail in the school play. Everything was going great until the middle of the play when my tail fell off. Mrs. Tennant calmly walked on stage and pinned it back on. At that point, they should have renamed the play "Pin The Tail On The Donkey". And that was the beginning (and end) of my stellar Acting career!

*****

Tickets to the Pope's speech in Philadelphia go on sale online tomorrow. 

- Donald Trump said he had no idea he was supposed to speak there, but if Philadelphians want Trump...they'll get Trump!  

*****

A study by TravelMath.com found that the dirtiest part of an airport or airplane isn't the restrooms, but the tray tables. 

- And I would have guessed the TSA agents hands. 

*****

A new report accuses Taylor Swift of doing drugs during the MTV Video Music Awards. 

- If they're going to accuse her of doing drugs, they should accuse everybody who actually watched the show. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #171: "Goodbye Summer...But Hello Football!"

Click here to download Podcast 

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #171. Today Jackie and I are joined by former "Purtan's Person" Tom DeLisle as we huddle up to discuss topics including:  

- U of M's new coach Jim Harbaugh.

- The "memorable" time Tom and I spent trapped in the men's room in Jackie's dorm after a Michigan game. 

- Non-PC team nicknames that shouldn't be considered non-PC.  

- How Stanley Kubrick's violent 1970's movie "A Clockwork Orange" was a predictor of the lawlessness in society today. 

- And the Michigan Play voted #1 Most Famous...and who left the game early and missed it. 

So Kick-Off your Labor Day Weekend with Podcast #171. (38:33) If you don't...you'll feel "Incomplete"! 

Have a great Holiday and I'll see you back here Tuesday with my regular blog!

-Dick

Shock: Kermit Tweets New Girlfriend!

Feminists are outraged that Kermit the Frog Tweeted a picture of his new younger, thinner girlfriend, a Pig named "Denise", after his break-up with Miss Piggy last month. 

- He's obviously not dating her for money...she's so much thinner than Miss Piggy she's gonna bring in a lot less bacon. 

- At least Denise is older than the chicks the two old guys in the balcony are dating. 

- Kermit gushed "Love is better the second swine around!" (Bada-Boom!)

- They met on "Ashley Roll-Around-In-The-Mudison.com".

*****

President Obama locked in the final Senate votes needed to approve his nuclear deal with Iran, but most experts in foreign policy say we're being foolish to trust the Iranian Government.

- Did we really need "experts" to tell us that? 

*****

According to a new study, college students are now smoking more pot than cigarettes. 

- Which can only mean one thing: They'll be way more mellow when they call their parents asking for more money. 

- So this is what getting a "Higher Education" has come to. 

*****

Former Spokane NAACP President Rachel Dolezal, who portrayed herself as African American,  announced that she's pregnant. 

- She doesn't know if it's a boy or girl yet. Or whether it's black or white for that matter. 

*****

The new cast of Dancing With the Stars includes food queen Paula Dean. 

- She's looking forward to all the dances, but especially the Homemade Chips & "Salsa". 

*****

Los Angeles has been named a finalist to host the 2024 Olympics. 

- If L.A. wins, expect to see Caitlyn Jenner run a leg with the Olympic Torch...in high heels.  

- Because of the California drought, this would also be the first BYOBW Olympics... Bring Your Own Bottled Water. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast with special guest, Tom DeLisle. 

-Dick