GAME ON!

The Red Wings face the Tampa Bay Lightning in Game 7 of their series tonight in Tampa. A win will send them to the next round of the play offs... but it's going to be extra-challenging. The Wings will be without "go-to-guy" Niklas Kronwell, who was suspended for one game for "launching into a hit" against a Lightning forward. Game time: 7:30pm. GO WINGS!

***** 

A hot new trend in Japan called "Silver Porn" features "Adult Film Actresses" over the age of 65. 

- Among the most popular films: "Debbie Has No Recollection of Doing Dallas" & "Deep Vein Thrombosis". 

*****

Justin Bieber is being criticized for crashing a high school prom in California last Saturday night. 

- The news is just coming out now because everyone thought he was just an awkward girl that no one would dance with. 

*****

Apple has confirmed that wrist tattoos can cause the Apple Watch to malfunction, keeping tattooed wearers from using some apps and even making calls. 

- So your Tattoo may say "I Heart Mom"...but you can't call her to let her know. 

*****

Prince William and Kate Middleton sent pastries and coffee to fans waiting outside St. Mary's Hospital for the birth of their Royal baby. 

- So when Push comes to Shove, the Royals really do care about the commoners! 

*****

Two graduate students from Ohio have invented a device that can determine if motorists have used marijuana. 

- The technical name for it is: "A Bag Of Doritos". 

*****

New York City's Yellow Taxi's are installing a panic button that a driver can push is he's under attack. 

- Taxi Riders are lobbying for a panic button THEY can use when their sense of smell is under attack. 

*****

A Pennsylvania woman "relieved herself" on a cops leg while resisting arrest. 

- She fled on foot, and the police immediately issued an A-Pee-B. 

- Her lawyer plans to to with the "Over Active Bladder Defense". 

*****

Have a great day, GO WINGS, and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Made in China?

The White Houe unveiled a new Barack Obama china set that will be used for state dinners. 

- Michelle is upset since Barack promised her "If you like the China you use for State Dinners now, you can KEEP the china you use for state dinners now". 

- They also unveiled the new Joe Biden Dribble-Glass collection. 

*****

According to a CBS News poll, 25% of Americans say they have been contacted by the dead. 

- Put another way, 25% of Americans are looking to score their own reality show. 

*****

Matt Lauer and Ellen DeGeneres performed a skit at the Daytime Emmys featuring Lauer dressed in bondage gear from Fifty Shades of Grey. 

- Apparently Matt likes to take a beating in more than just the ratings. 

*****

A pair of Air Jordans worn by Michael Jordan raked in a cool $71,000 at auction. 

- That's almost as much as you'd pay for an unworn pair of Air Jordans. 

- But not as much as you'd have to shell out for a pair of Dennis Rodman's pumps. 

*****

Producers say Bruce Jenner's Docu-series about his transition to womanhood will include some light hearted moments including Bruce re-learning how to swing a golf club now that he has breasts. 

- Bruce was apparently so excited during the segment, instead of yelling "Fore!" he yelled "TWO!"

*****

Abercrombie and Fitch has announced they will no longer hire employees based on attractiveness. 

- So if you're really attractive and looking for work, you're gonna have to head over to Fox News. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Hot Wings!

The Red Wings are hoping to wrap up their series with Tampa Bay tonight at the Joe by winning Game 6 of the 7 game series. GO WINGS!!!

*****

Buckingham Palace has confirmed Prince William & his wife Kate will break Royal tradition and announce the birth of their second child (due any minute now) via Twitter. 

- The old system was a puff of smoke appearing above the Royal Bedroom...no wait... that's the Pope. 

*****

A new study shows that one-third of babies between the age of 6 months and two years already spend up to an hour a day using smart phones and other high tech devices - even making calls on them. 

- If you get a call from a six month old and there's no one on the other end of the line, you can consider yourself "Rash On My Butt Dialed". 

- You can tell when a two-year old tweets because they use the hashtag #loadeddiaper.

*****

British Medical Authorities are coming under fire for asking 75 year olds - even healthy ones - if they will sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. Critics say it's designed to speed up the deaths of the elderly population. 

- They got the idea from Prince Charles, who's been trying to get his Mum to sign one of those for YEARS. 

*****

A new report says that a group of Russian hackers had access to President Obama's emails in 2014. 

- Now if we could just get them to take a crack at Hillary's email account and tell us what's in 'em. 

*****

Rumors are swirling that NBC is asking Brian Williams to resign, as the network has uncovered at least 10 other lies that he told. 

- I think we can count on at least one more lie...when Brian claims he's "retiring to spend more time with his family". 

*****

Over the weekend, three more women came forward to accuse Bill Cosby of drugging them. 

- Usually, the "Proof is in the Pudding"...but in Cosby's case, it's in a glass of wine. 

*****

The Chinese government is banning the quaint practice of hiring strippers to dance at funerals. 

- Apparently it was taking too long to get the caskets shut.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #157: "My Man To Man Talk With Bruce Jenner"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #157... This go-around, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs joins Jackie and me for a spirited conversation on topics including: 

- Diane Sawyer's BIG INTERVIEW with Bruce Jenner that will air TONIGHT (Friday) in which Bruce will allegedly kiss his manhood goodbye. (So to speak). The pic above was taken at the Auto Show back in the mid-80's. I can only imagine what I'd find if I checked under Bruce's hood today!

- My mother's recently discovered "Mystery" older sister who no one in my family ever talked about. 

- The "Real" Chevy Chase.

- Ringo's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...and how Eric Clapton stole George Harrison's wife. 

- Jackie's not-so-nice but true story about a Doctor who asked Harrison to autograph his guitar while George was on his death bed. 

- The John Lennon/Paul McCartney rivalry. 

- And Gender Neutral Bathrooms: Where do we Go from here? 

So whether you're a man, woman or "undecided"...don't stall... tune in to Podcast #157!  (40:57)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Kermit, Mary Kate & Ashley!

Hold onto your hats! Two big showbiz announcements: 

ABC is coming out with a new adult "Muppets" series that will delve into the personal lives of the characters like a soap opera. 

- I can't wait to see the two old guys in the balcony go to the doctor for their annual prostate exams. 

AND... Netflix is considering producing a new updated "Full House" series called "Fuller House". 

- So all you Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen fans out there... WE'RE ON THIS STORY!!!!! Details when available! 

*****

ISIS has banned the wearing of Nike shoes and apparel because the company name is similar to the Arabic word for "Sexual Intercourse". 

- Personally, I think Adidas look better with Burkas anyway. 

*****

Dr. Oz will devote the entire hour of today's show to countering claims by ten other doctors who signed a letter stating that they believe he promotes quack products, and is only motivated by financial gain. 

- The episode will be sponsored by "The New Zealand Snail-Slime Belly Fat Burning Weight Loss Capsules".  

- At the end of the show, he'll stretch out a real 25 foot human intestine just to keep things normal. 

*****

A study by Rover.Com found that "Max" was the most popular dog name of 2014. 

- They didn't bother finding out the most popular Cat name since they couldn't find a Cat who would talk to them.  

*****

A Colorado  man was arrested for shooting his computer eight times because it was driving him crazy. 

- He should have just sworn at the computer like I do. 

*****

People Magazine has announced it's pick for "The Most Beautiful Woman of the Year"... And the winner is: Sandra Bullock. 

- Am I the only one who thinks Bruce Jenner was robbed?

*****

It's National "Take Your Son Or Daughter To Work Day". 

- NBA Players were going to participate, but there weren't enough seats in the arena for all of their kids. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! 

-Dick

Happy Birthday JoAnne!!!

It's Earth Day! And it also happens to be the Birthday of my wonderful daughter, JoAnne...number 4 of 6!

- I don't know who to hug first...JoAnne or a Tree! 

*****

Dennis Hoff, the owner of the Nevada Bunny Ranch, has launched a Political Action Committee called "Hookers for Hillary". 

- Just to be fair, he's also formed a  "Get-Some-Action Committee" called "Bunnies For Bill".  

*****

A female student at the University of Alabama has left the US to join ISIS. 

- Think of it as an "Arab Spring Break". 

- Apparently the back-stabbing at her sorority just wasn't violent enough. 

*****

Google is going to use weather balloons to bring WiFi to underdeveloped nations. 

- Too bad no one living in those places has a cell phone or laptop. 

*****

A new trend called the Kylie Jenner Challenge dares girls to suck on an empty jar until their lips blow up and look as puffy as hers. 

- Her stepmom, Bruce Jenner, says it's saved him hundreds on collagen lip injections! 

*****

TMZ is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick have broken up. 

- Patrick has already moved on and is dating the family maid's daughter. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

How Tweet It Is!

Twitter announced  that it will now allow users to send direct messages to people who aren't following them. 

- And if you have any idea what that means, please email me. Or better yet... send me a postcard. 

*****

Congrats to the Tigers for their 2-1 win over the Yankess...upping their 1st place record to 11-2! And Good Luck to the Wings as they take on Tampa Bay in Game 3 of the Playoffs tonight at the Joe. Game time: 7pm. 

*****

A new book called "Clinton Cash",  questions the foreign donations that have been made to Bill and Hillary's family charity. 

- "Clinton Cash" is also the term strippers use to describe the singles Bill stuffs in their G-strings.

*****

U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy appeared on Sesame Street and told Elmo to get vaccinated against the measles. 

- He also reminded Miss Piggy to drop a few pounds. 

*****

The Taliban is condemning ISIS for a series of bombings in Afghanistan. 

- I think this takes the "Pot Calling The Kettle Black" thing to a whole new level. 

*****

A dress worn by Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind was sold at auction for $137,000. 

- Ironically, the anonymous buyer plans to take the dress apart and have it made into drapes. 

*****

Demi Moore has put her Manhattan Penthouse up for sale for $75 million. 

- It comes fully furnished, including Ashton Kutcher's old race car bed and his entire collection of Pokemon cards. 

*****

A study by Utrecht University found that you can become happy by smelling the sweat of someone who is happy. 

- And they say you'll be SUPER happy if you catch of a whiff of Michael Moore at an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

1st Place Tigers Hoping To Roar Some More!

Our red hot Tigers will try to increase their 1st place AL Central League standing to 11 - 3 when they take on the New York Yankees tonight at Comerica Park. Game time: 7:09 GO TIGS!!!!!

*****

In a "Long and Winding" acceptance speech at his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Ringo Starr offered some advice to bands trying to make it today: If you break wind on the tour bus, "own it". 

- The same applies if you're trapped in a Yellow Submarine. 

*****

The FBI admitted to "overstating" forensic hair matches in every murder trial before the year 2000. 

- "Overstated" must be FBI speak for "Lied". 

- I knew OJ didn't do it!

*****

An unidentified person was arrested by the Secret Service Sunday after scaling the fence and trying to get into the White House. 

- If he wants in the White House so badly, why doesn't he just run for President like everybody else? 

*****

In a clip from his upcoming tell-all "I am a woman" interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner says his kids are his number one priority. 

- Bruce is putting his kids first...just like any other good Mother.

*****

A North Korean news agency is reporting that Kim Jong Un has climbed the highest mountain in North Korea. 

- The report was confirmed by a man claiming to be Kim's sherpa...a Mr. B. Williams formerly of NBC. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Hernandez: NFL Hall of Shamer!

Former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was convicted of murder and was sentenced to life without parole. 

- Luckily, getting patted on the butt during all those huddles has prepared him for the slammer. 

*****

Paula Deen announced that her new restaurant in Tennessee will open on April 27th. 

- And the first 25 customers get a free Egg White Omelet! 

*****

A female CEO in Texas, Cheryl Rios, it taking fire for claiming that a woman should not be President of the US because her hormones would  make it impossible for her to start a war. 

- But she did admit that a female President would be tough at the negociating table...for a few days every month. 

*****

Doctors in London say that Julius Caesar may have suffered a series of mini-strokes that left him angry later in life. 

- He was particularly angry about that whole being assassinated thing. 

*****

Kim Kardashian's book of "selfies" hits book stores at the end of the week. 

- I've already reserved my copy at "Butts and Noble". 

*****

Brian Williams was seen around New York City walking his dog. 

- He claimed he used a pooper-scooper, but even his dog said it wasn't true. 

*****

A Montana man was arrested after his girlfriend found him "romancing" their pet Husky. 

- Apparently this guys thinks dogs are "Man's Best Friend...With Benefits". 

- He claims he was just trying to prove that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

A Very Taxing Day...

It's April 15th... Deadline Day for filing your federal income taxes. 

- And if you're like me...you have every confidence that Congress will spend your money wisely!

*****

In clip from his upcoming interview with Diane Sawyer about his sex change, Bruce Jenner said "My whole life has been getting me ready for this". 

- And now that he's a woman, it takes him 3 hours to get ready for interviews. 

*****

Royal Caribbean has two ships at sea right now with passengers experiencing gastrointestinal illnesses. 

- On the bright side, the line at the Midnight Buffet is a lot shorter than usual. 

- To try and contain the illness, all of the sick passengers have been moved to the Poop Deck. 

*****

Hillary Clinton confirmed that she named 35 year old Robby Mook as her campaign chief, making him the first openly gay manager of a US presidential campaign. 

- His strategy to get votes? Accessorize!

*****

A new study found that 58% of American students are not proficient enough in Grammar. 

- For example, most of the students believe "Grammar" is the old lady married to their "Gramper". 

*****

65 year old Billy Joel and his 33 year old girlfriend have confirmed that they have a baby on the way. 

- She wants a boy... But Billy wants an Uptown Girl. 

- A baby at 65??? He must be going out of his tree. Or driving his car into one... 

*****

The FDA is monitoring a program that prescribes medicinal marijuana to dogs. 

- And you thought Rover could jump high to catch that Frisbee now!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Clintons More Than All a-Twitter!

Hillary Clinton officially announced her run for the 2016 Presidential election in a video she posted on YouTube Sunday. 

- In a related story...Bill Clinton spent Sunday WATCHING videos other women posted on MyBoobs. 

*****

The White House has installed a "Gender Neutral" bathroom featuring both a urinal and a toilet. 

- It's known as the "Bruce Jenner" room. 

- With everything going on in the world, it's nice to know Gender Neutral Bathrooms are the administrations #1 priority. And #2. 

*****

"Furious 7" was number one at the box office for the 2nd straight week. 

- If you haven't seen it... it' just like "12 Angry Men" but with 5 fewer guys who are a lot madder. 

*****

Katie Holmes was spotted at Disneyland over the weekend with her 8 year old daughter Suri Cruise. 

- She said the Magic Kingdom was a lot like Scientology...except you're allowed to leave. 

- Katie posed for a picture with the Seven Dwarfs but, our of habit, made them all stand on crates so they'd look taller than her. 

*****

Sources at Buckingham Palace say the Royal Baby will arrive next month. 

- Sounds like Prince Harry has scheduled a trip to see Grandma. 

*****

A new study found that Obesity may protect people from dementia. 

- Researchers came to that conclusion after noticing that no one EVER got lost on their way to the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet. 

*****

A female contestant on "The Bachelor" reportedly broke wind twice on her first date. 

- And then they had sex. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #156: "A Hooker Celebrates Her 25th Anniversary!"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #156! Jackie and I are back at the Purtan Dining Room table (aka "Podcast Central") for a semi-riveting discussion of topics including: 

- Julia Roberts & The 25th Anniversary of the movie "Pretty Woman"... Plus Jason "George on Seinfeld" Alexander's role in it as a bad guy. 

- The woman who wrote her own obit that's gone viral. 

- Bob Dylan's rather interesting comments on Frank Sinatra, Nancy Sinatra, Jimmy Rogers, Chuck Berry, Shakespeare and who Bob believes is the most successful composer of all time. 

- Plus 3 cuts (Or is it SIX?) from the "Best of Purtan" CD Collection. (Once again...my technical prowess comes shining through!)

So stop thinking about last-minute deductions (Yup...April 15th is almost here) and tune in to Podcast #156. It's not "taxing"...I promise!  (22:49)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick 

Barry Manilow Can't Smile Without...GARRY!

The media is all abuzz with the confirmation that Barry Manilow and his longtime manager Garry Kief were married in a secret ceremony last April. 

- That sound you hear is millions of middle aged women's heart breaking and their husbands saying, "I told you so". 

- Following the ceremony, the happy couple spent a romantic Weekend in New England. 

- The two met at the Copa. Copacabana. It's the hottest spot North of Havana. 

*****

And speaking of happy marriages... Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles celebrate their 10th Wedding Anniversary today. 

- The Queen says Camilla is still crazy for Charles and that he has her "eating out of his hand"... mostly oats. 

*****

McDonald's announced plans to start serving bigger burgers. 

- The burgers may be bigger...but the kid at the drive-thru window is still gonna get your order wrong. 

*****

According to a survey by the Centers for Disease Control, 90% of sexually active teens use contraception. 

- The other 10% are registered at "Babies R Us". 

*****

A headline on Rand Paul's website misspelled the world "education". 

- Dan Quayle said it was no big deal...you know..."You say Potatoe, I say Potatoe". 

*****

A New Jersey school teacher plead not guilty to having sex with 6 students in her car. 

- The boys allegedly involved are supporting her...except for the one guy she gave a "C+".

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

Pretty Women!

ABC News sources confirm that Bruce Jenner will formerly introduce himself as a women in a recorded two-hour interview with Diane Sawyer set to air on April 24th. 

- He was going to wait until later this summer, but he's anxious to celebrate his very first Mother's Day! 

- The show was only supposed to be sixty minutes long...but it turns out those two gals could gab for HOURS! 

*****

Meanwhile over at NBC...the Brian Williams scandal is getting even weirder. His bosses say he can't bring himself to say "I Lied" and asked if maybe he had "a brain tumor or something wrong in his head". 

- I think the only thing that's wrong with his head is that his nose keeps growing. 

*****

A power outage temporarily shut down the electricity at the White House and Capitol building Tuesday. 

- It marked the first time Congress was in the dark both literally and figuratively. 

- On the bright side... the front door of the WH was locked! 

*****

115 year old Jeralean Talley of Inskter is now "The World's Oldest Living Person". She inherited the crown when a 116 year old Arkansas woman died Monday, after holding the title for just 6 days. 

- Is it just me... or it this "World's Oldest Living Person" thing kind of a blessing and a curse?

- Her family is planning a celebration for Jeralean... "as soon as humanly possible". 

*****

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden claims that the NSA spies on naked photos of Americans. 

- Why go to the trouble of spying when you can just go on Instagram like everybody else? 

*****

Starbucks Is now offering its Baristas free college tuition at the University of Arizona. 

- Now that they don't have tuition payments to make...they can actually afford a cup of coffee where they work.

*****

Don McLean's manuscript for the song "American Pie" was auctioned off for a cool $1.25 Million. 

- Even with bidding going that high, the auction still wasn't as long as the song. 

- Finally he can afford to visit the three men he admires the most, who caught the last train for the coast. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

"Take James Out To The Ballgame..."

It's Opening Day for the Tigers! And one of the thousands of people who are Celebrating the day... James "The Walking Man" Robertson. So many of you have asked how he's doing... And I'm here to tell you... He' doing GREAT! Jackie talks or texts with him daily, and even as I write this he's on his way down to Comerica Park to root on the Tigs! Baseball is his passion...something he didn't have much time for when he was walking 21 miles a day to get to his job and back. But now, with a car, and a new life, he can do things he could never do before. GO TIGERS! And GO JAMES! 

*****

President Obama will host the 137th "Easter Egg Roll" on the White House lawn today, with 35,000 expected to attend. 

- There hasn't been that big a crowd since Bill Clinton hosted the "Easter Egg Roll In The Hay" in 1996. 

*****

An Argentinian man died while having sex with a Scarecrow. 

- His last words were "I'll miss you the most..."

*****

North Korean officials are recruiting women to be a part of Kim Jong Un's "Pleasure Squad". 

- Apparently he wasn't getting enough responses on eManiacalDictator.com.

- ATTENTION SINGLE LADIES: If you're looking for a guy "do die for"...here's your golden opportunity! And if that doesn't work out...there's always ISIS. 

*****

"Furious 7" took in an astounding $127 Million at the box office this weekend. 

- That breaks the old record set by "12 Angry Men". 

*****

A study by Clinical Psychiatry fount that 70% of the people who take anti-depressants are not clinically depressed. 

- Unless they go off their meds...

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

P.S. GO TIGERS!!!!!

Purtan Podcast #155: "In Elementary School...Why Did I Have To Know All About Those 'Explorer' Guys?"

Click here to download Podcast

Welcome to the first weekend of APRIL and Podcast #155... In this go-around, Jackie and I shower you with a discussion of topics including: 

- When does food REALLY "expire"? And our very different views of what's okay to eat...and when it's okay to eat it. 

- My experiences with food poisoning...including one that landed me in the hospital. 

- The Tigers new season and the quest to give Mike Ilitch a much deserved World Series Ring. 

- The MLB team that Vegas odds-makers think will go all the way this year... REALLY? 

- My love of Wikipedia.

- How I was literally pounded in elementary school about "The Explorers". 

- And on that note... A quiz about those explorers and what they discovered.

So put on your thinking cap...along with your Tiger's cap...and take a swing at Podcast #155.

Have a great weekend - GO SPARTANS! GO TIGERS! - and I'll see you back here on Monday!

-Dick 

Monica To Join Whoopi On Cushion?!

Multiple sources say that Barbara Walters has picked Monica Lewinsky to join the cast of "The View". 

- The show will even have a new opening theme..."Devil With The Blue Dress On". 

- She's no Rosie O'Donnell... Close, but no cigar. 

*****

A study by InfoPlease.Com says that American children will consume 90 Million chocolate bunnies this Easter. 

- The news prompted outrage from PETCA... The People For The Ethical Treatment of Chocolate Animals. 

- When asked how many marshmallow chicks would be consumed, not a Peep was heard. 

*****

A new dating app pairs Colorado pot smokers with other singles who like the drug. 

- It's called I'veGotAJointButINeedAMatch.com. 

*****

Gary Dahl, the man who invented the Pet Rock has died at the age of 78. 

- So now, just like his "invention" he just lays there and doesn't do anything. 

- He was sort of like the Henry Ford of really stupid stuff. 

*****

California doctors say that folk singer Joni Mitchell, who was rushed to the hospital earlier this week, is alert and in good spirits. 

- It's the first time Joni's actually been "alert" since Woodstock. 

- Insider's say Joni claims she died for a moment but was brought back...so she can honestly say she's "Looked At Life From Both Sides Now". 

*****

A Pew poll found that 82% of people use their smartphones primarily for taking photos. 

- In related news, 42% of people use their dumb cameras to try and make calls. 

*****

On this day in 1513 Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered what is now the state of Florida. 

- Ironically, Ponce was looking for the "Fountain of Youth" but he ended up finding the "Land of The Early Bird Dinner". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Marching Into April...

HEADLINES IN THE NEWS...

Hillary Clinton Stunned That World Still Thinks She's Going To Run For President Asking, "Didn't You Get My Email???"

Brangelina to adopt ISIS and "Put them in a serious Time Out".

Michelle Obama Lobbies Congress To Change Name Of Presidential Music To "Kale To The Chief". 

Bruce Jenner Has Olympic Gold Medals Melted Down; Made Into Earrings. 

Google Announces "Slow-Cooker Schnauzer Recipes" The #1 Search Term In North Korea.

Metro-Detroit Area Potholes To Be Turned Into Multi-Family Condos. 

Vladimir Putin Signs On For Next Season Of DWTS!

*****

And in the REAL News...

Just 25 days after celebrating her 117th Birthday, "The World's Oldest Person", Japan's Misao Okawa, has died. 

- Her great-grandchildren were stunned saying "We honestly didn't see that coming."

*****

Radaronline has confirmed that Bruce Jenner underwent breast implant surgery two weeks ago. He can't lift anything and has to wear a bra 24 hours a day during his recovery. 

- Bruce says he's so grateful to his plastic surgeon that his "Cups runneth over". 

*****

Amazon Prime is expanding it's one hour delivery service to Dallas, Miami and Baltimore. 

- It's for people who just can't wait overnight for that "Star Wars Action Figure" they've had their hearts set on. 

*****

Temperatures in Antarctica have reached 63 degrees fahrenheit. 

- It's so warm, the penguins have taken off their Tuxedo jackets. 

*****

The Rolling Stones announced a two-month U.S. tour that will run through Spring and Summer, including a concert here in July.

- At their ages, it's more like a "Lipi-tour". 

- Mick Jagger is reportedly demanding that his dressing room be stocked with Compression stockings and cases of Ensure.

*****

ABC announced that Ludacris and Chrissy Teigen will co-host the Billboard Music Awards in May.

- I'm going to be excited about this as soon as I find out who "Ludacris" and "Chrissy Teigen" are. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll you back here Thursday!

-Dick

The "Icing" On The Cake For "Mr. Hockey"...

Happy Birthday to the GREAT Gordie Howe! The Red Wing Legend turns 87 today...and after reportedly being near-death just 4 months ago, his son says he is doing well and looking forward to celebrating with his family in Texas. 

On a personal note, as the Captain and Founder of the "Purtan No-Stars" media hockey team back in the 70's, I had many encounters on the ice with Gordie during our weekly practice sessions, which he loved to attend after his first retirement. Since I played Goalie, I can proudly say that I once stopped one of Gordie's many shots on the net. And when you're talking Gordie Howe, one out of a hundred isn't bad! 

Happy 87th Gordie! 

*****

Woke up with snow on the ground at my house this morning. 

- So it's looks like March came in like a lamb, and went out like a Detroit Lion. 

*****

Indiana police say that a man accidentally drove off a bridge because he was following his GPS. 

- Mother's everywhere will now be saying, "Just because your GPS told you to drive off a bridge...would you do it?". 

*****

A new study claims that getting more sleep is the key to weight loss. 

- So I'm guessing Michael Moore is an insomniac. 

- The rule does not apply to people who wake up with orange Cheeto dust all over their fingers. 

*****

A video has gone viral that depicts a sequel to the Lego movie as a horror film. 

- And if you've ever stepped on a Lego in bare feet, you know just how horrifying they can be. 

*****

Hollywood insiders say that HBO's new documentary on Scientology could could topple Tom Cruise from his acting pedestal. 

- Of course at his height, it won't be a very long fall. 

*****

Jamie Foxx is being slammed on Twitter for telling jokes about Bruce Jenner at the iHeart Radio Awards. 

- Hey... It takes a lot of cajones to make fun of a guy who's decided he doesn't want his anymore. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Spartans To Go FOUR It!!!!!

Congratulations to Tom Izzo and The Spartans for making it to the Final Four after their 76-70 overtime win that toppled the Louisville Cardinals. They'll take on Duke Saturday. Game time: 6:09 pm. GO SPARTANS!!!!!

*****

For the second straight year, President Obama did not make Forbes Magazine's List of "The World's Greatest Leaders". But Taylor Swift did. She came in at #6. 

- If only Obama would have released a song called "We Are Never Ever Ever Going To Help Iran Again". 

- Kanye West threw a fit claiming "Beyonce is the Greatest World Leader of all time!"

*****

Apple CEO Tim Cook was named the World's Greatest Leader for his willingness to admit being gay. 

- And when you're worth $500 Million...that was one gigantic, well-appointed  closet he had to come out of. 

*****

A study by Beverage Digest found that Coca-Cola is the most popular soda pop in the country. 

- The findings we're disputed by one "Dr. P"  who pointed out, "I'm a Pepper, He's a Pepper, She's a Pepper, We're a Pepper..."

- The study also found that "Mountain Dew" is the pop that looks the most like a urine sample. 

*****

The USDA banned a pair of baby llamas from performing in Arizona because their owner doesn't have the proper permits. 

- The animals owner, a Miss Dolly Llama, is protesting the decision. 

*****

Willie Nelson is launching a chain of marijuana stores that will sell his personal line of edible pot. 

- Willie says the new stores represent a High point in his career.

- Matthew McConaughey already has his credit card info on file. 

*****

A jealous South African man poured super glue onto his wife's private parts because he thought she was cheating on him. 

- Sounds like "when the moment's right...she's not gonna be ready". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick