Purtan Podcast #98: "A Few Things Of Note..."

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Welcome to another weekend and another Brand New Podcast (#98) featuring an encore visit from one of my most popular (according to his wife) and entertaining guests, Tom Delisle.   

Today we play "Name That Tune"... with me playing on my very own xylophone! (Okay it's not really the one in the picture - it's a tad more grown-up).   

Up next? Carnac says... "Cheating Wife". We'll tell you a story featured in the new book on Johnny Carson written by his former lawyer, that reveals exactly who it was that Johnny's second wife had an affair with. (Hint: He was a professional athlete and he like to take Carnival Cruises). You'll have to listen to find out exactly who was "tackling" Mrs. Carson. 

Plus we finally reveal the answer to that nagging question, "Why does former Tiger Manager Jim Leyland mumble so much?" And we'll explain the technical reason why baseball players and other athletes. spit so much during games.

Speaking of things you do with your mouth, Tom reveals why he hasn't eaten a single bite of food in 9 years.  (No joke there). 

I'll also tell you the bizarre story of the time my wife Gail and I were out with friends at a LA restaurant and noticed a couple who didn't speak to each other THE ENTIRE MEAL. They sat in complete silence as the woman ate crab legs and proceeded to make gagging noises with each bite. Then they got up and left. (Apparently they met on eDon'tTalkJustGag.com. 

Swinging back to sports, Tom tells us what Sparky Anderson told him when he asked, "Why does Chet Lemon slide into First Base all the time". 

There's also talk of why newscasters (not my daughter JoAnne of course) have begun using words like "Flippin'" and "Freakin'" on the air, plus the time Gail and I made a horrible mistake by giving a video wedding gift that went "Freakin'" horribly wrong.  

So before you even think about carving your pumpkins, carve out a little time to check out Podcast #98! 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

-Dick  

Breasts Head South For Winter!

Scientists at UCLA say they’ve discovered that the reason women’s breasts wrinkle and start to sag is that the human gene code makes breasts age faster than other body parts.

- Unless you’re a Hollywood actress in which case your breasts will always be toddlers. 

- Another contributing factor could be too many “invasive patdowns” by the TSA. 

- I guess it’s natures way of allowing you to sweep when your hands are too arthritic to hold a broom. 

***** 

CBS News discovered that the new “shop and browse” feature of the Obamacare website that estimates how much it will cost users to buy insurance, may be quoting them rates that are half what it will actually cost. 

- The policy costs just $19.99 – but apparently you have to pay $19,999 for “shipping and handling".

- None of this really matters since we’ll probably all be dead by the time the Website's fixed anyway. 

***** 

The new iPad Air is 20% thinner than the current model. 

- And it got thinner in just 30 days eating a bizarre miracle fruit as seen on Dr. Oz! 

***** 

China adopted a new law that limits the amount of time TV channels can air reality show.  

- We important everything else from China...why not this law?  

- So now TV stations will have to decide whether to air “Honey Wu Wu”, “The Real Housewives of Beijing”, or “Kids in Sweatshops Say The Darndest Things!”

- The official Chinese Government Channel will continue broadcasting 24/7 since there’s absolutely noting on there that even resembles reality. 

***** 

A British Company is offering people a service that will clone their pets. 

- Just what the world needs…more Shitzu. 

***** 

To promote the movie “Anchorman 2”, Ben & Jerry launched a limited edition ice cream flavor called “Ron Burgundy’s Scotchy Scotch Scotch”. 

- Most people say it’s so strong one scoop is enough, but Lindsay Lohan always asks for a double. 

***** 

Mexico’s government is angry that the American NSA is spying on it’s citizens. 

- Welcome to the club Amigos!

- Mexico is supposedly so upset they sent the Feds a note reading “Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls…It tolls for thee!”

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#98!) featuring more great stories from the always fascinating Tom DeLisle! 

- Dick

Art Van To Sell His Personal "Ottoman Empire"!

Art Van, the founder of Art Van Furniture, has put his 28,000 sq. ft. mansion on Lake St. Claire up for sale for 15.9 million.  

- It sounds like a lot of money, but it comes fully furnished and Art will pay your property taxes for 5 FULL YEARS!   

- Plus there's no down payment and no payments until 2016, and just for walking through the house, you'll get a FREE set of wine glasses and a cheese board! 

- But hurry! The price is only good through midnight tonight!   

*****

Facebook was taken down momentarily this week for some network maintenance.  

- So people couldn't get on facebook to complain about the fact that they can't get on the Obamacare website.  

- Most traumatized of all was a Millie David from Oklahoma who was unable to share the news that she and her husband Cliff we're having slow-cooker pot roast for dinner.  

***** 

Pope Francis has temporarily expelled a German Bishop from his diocese amid a scandal over the $42 million dollars the Bishop planned to spend on a new residence for himself.  

- The Pope caught on when he looked at the plans and saw a 12-seater Jacuzzi labeled "Baptismal Font".  

***** 

Senator John Mccain says he's thinking for running for President again in 2016 when he'll be 80-years-old.  

- Sarah Palin is already backing him saying, "I can see his Nursing Home from my front porch!".  

- Ted Cruz vows to filibuster for as long as it takes for McCain to change his mind...or diapers.

***** 

Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian by renting out San Francisco's AT&T Park stadium, giving her a giant diamond ring, and having the Chicago Symphony play as the Jumbotron flashed "PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!"  

- The best part was that their four-month-old baby was on hand for the festivities. Don't you just love it when the kids get to be there when Dad proposes to Mom?  

- The couple says they'll be taking their baby "North West" on their Honeymoon somewhere in the "South East".  

- Neither the date for the marriage, or the divorce, have been announced.  

***** 

A new Gallup poll found that for the first time, a clear majority of Americans, 58%, favor legalizing marijuana.  

- So basically people don't think you should end up in the joint for smoking one.  

***** 

The head of the Russian Space Agency believes a 400-meter-wide asteroid will blow up the Earth in 2032. 

- Experts predict another big crash on earth that year...The Obamacare website.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Purtan Grandkids Called In to Help Fix Obamacare Website!

President Obama admitted during a speech yesterday that the Obamacare Website launch hasn't gone as smoothly as he'd planned, and that the Feds are bringing in top private computer companies to fix the problem.  

- Looks like my ten and twelve year old Grandkids are headed to Washington, D.C. this weekend!

- Chances are when they finally get it fixed, the "Navigator" assigned to help you sign up will be the Captain of the "Costa Concordia".  

***** 

Lady Gaga will star in a 90 minute Thanksgiving special with the Muppets.  

- Miss Piggy has gone into hiding fearing she'll be turned into a meat dress.  

***** 

Researchers from Northwestern University have found that getting a good night's sleep reduces phobias.  

- Especially the fear of insomnia.  

***** 

A California woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble last week.  

- She refused aid from the paramedics saying she'd rather deliver the baby alone in the "Self Help" section.   

- Ironically the baby was conceived after she read "Fifty Shades of Grey" that she'd purchased at the same store.  

***** 

A London Fire Brigade had to help a man whose penis was stuck in a toaster.  

- Luckily the toaster had a "Pop Up" button.   

***** 

 "The Voice" star CeeLo Green pleaded not guilty to a felony charge of providing ecstasy to a woman.

- Meanwhile, a man in London was charged with providing ecstasy to a toaster. 

***** 

Dolly Parton sustained minor injuries in a fender bender in Nashville. 

- Fortunately since she's got her own, she had the airbags turned "Off" at the time.  

- Her headlights almost took out the paramedic who rushed to make sure she was okay. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!  And don't forget my latest Podcast (#97) with special guest star Tom Delisle. It's up now and features discussions about Jim Leyland, Al Kaline and a lot more! Just click on the Podcast Icon at the top of this page!

-Dick  

Jim Leyland Steps Down As Tiger Manager...

About a month and a half ago, Jim Leyland told Tiger General Manager Dave Dumbrowski that he would be be retiring as Tiger Manager at the end of this season.

Dumbrowski passed the information on to Tiger Owner Mike Illitch - and it stayed between the three of them until Leyland told the team after Saturday night's loss to the Red Sox. 

He said that he was proud of the team, but admitted that they let the American League Championship "get away from them". He didn't single out any specific players (saying that's never been his policy) and added that he believed next years team would be a good one and that he would be rooting for them in an as yet unnamed position with the Team.  

Thanks and best of luck to the Skipper for the Tigers' last 8 seasons!

For more on Jim Leyland check out my latest Podcast #97 with special guest Tom Delisle... Just click the Podcast Icon at the very top of this page! 

***** 

Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee has created a new superhero, "Chakra the Invincible", who is the first Superhero from India. 

- He's actually an unassuming computer tech support guy by day and only becomes invincible at night.  

***** 

With massive computer glitches keeping people from even getting on the Obamacare website, let alone actually being able to sign up, the Government says they are calling in "serious computer experts" to fix the website. 

- The team will be led by one "Chakra the Invincible".  

***** 

78% of Americans say they want to fire the entire Congress and start over.  

- Only 78%??? 

- The problem is they want to "start over" with George Washington and John Adams.  

*****

North Korea has built a big water park.  

- The only requirement is you must be shorter than the cut-out of Kim Jong Un to ride the rides.   

- In an effort to continue starving his people, there are no concession stands, but they do provide grills if you want to bring your pet dog along for dinner.  

 - Un's secret plan is to load missiles on the rafts, float them to the U.S, then explode them. 

***** 

The violin played by the band leader of the Titanic to calm passengers as the ship sank has sold at auction for $1.45 million.  

- It would have gone for a lot more if it weren't for the "slight" water damage.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!  

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #97: "A Few Topics To Bat Around..."

Welcome to a Make-or-Break Weekend for the Tigers and a Brand New Podcast (#97)!

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Jackie, our special guest & former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle and I recorded this
 "Podisode" just hours before the Tigs hit the field and lost Game 5 to the Bosox. Thus, we won't be discussing the loss - but we do run the bases when it comes to other topics! 

From inside Purtan family info (I reveal which of my six daughters was, shall we say, "very affectionate" at the age of 7)....to inside Kennedy family info (The Kennedy men were "very affectionate" at every age - okay, that's not exactly "inside info"...) But Tom was good friends with America's Royal Family and spent a lot of time vacationing with them at Hyannis Port.

He'll tell us about the time he "accidentally stole" a towel with a rather impressive monogram on it from the "Kennedy Compound", how he nearly died when Ethel's Kennedy's overloaded boat capsized, and he'll recount a remarkable verbal exchange between John F. Kennedy Jr. and his Uncle Ted. You have to hear it to believe it!   

We also talk about the rather embarrassing thing I do while swimming (it's not what you're thinking!) and Jackie explain's why, at her tender age, she still wants one of those "Walk-In Bathtubs".  

And despite not knowing the outcome of Game 5, we do talk baseball, including the astronomical amount Prince Fielder earns for every pitch thrown to him, and the whole "Bosox Beard" thing. (One word: Yuck!) 

Plus...we reminisce about the softballs games we used to play against the musical groups appearing at Pine Knob...including Chicago and John Denver. (Trust me, they were no Saturday in the Park!) and there's lots of other good stuff too. 

So put on your Tiger jersey, sit back and get ready to "Play Ball!" with Podcast #97! 

Have a great weekend, I'll see you back here Monday, and GO TIGERS!!!!! 

-Dick

In Case You Weren't Near A TV Last Night...

The Tigers rocked the House! 

2 Games a piece - nice Bounce! 

Still in race for Pennant.  

Meanwhile the House backed the Senate.  

Boehner Blinked. 

Obama Winked.  

Government no longer closed.

Debt ceiling rose.

Tiger fans elated!  

Americans still deflated! 

***** 

The Wall Street Journal says Americans will spend $2.6 Billion on Halloween costumes this year.  

- Costume sellers met the news with plenty of Chuckles and Snickers.  

- The majority of that money will go towards buying giant wrecking balls for those going as Miley Cyrus.  

***** 

President Obama said the coolest perk of being President is that he can call anybody in the world at any time, and they will answer the phone.  

- Apparently he hasn't tried calling a "Navigator" to help him sign up for Obamacare. 

- He added the best one of all was when he pranked Kim Jong Un in the middle of the night, by calling and asked how his short range missile was doing.  

***** 

A 63-year-old Washington sate man claims he has had sex with 999 cars.  

- As opposed to some Frat boys who claim to have had sex IN 999 cars. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to your car having "heated seats".  

 - He says he's not picky, but prefers "model types, with a removable top and nice headlights". 

***** 

It was reported that 16 and 17-year-old Kardashian kids Kylie and Kendall Jenner were spotted at a club getting drunk with an unidentified adult. 

- The only thing shocking about this story is that the "adult" wasn't one of their parents. 

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow (Friday) with an all-new Podcast! (#97)! 

-Dick

Verlander Sizzles; Tiger Bats Fizzle...

Great frustration from Tiger fans everywhere because the Tiger starting pitching has been excellent, and yet...in the last two games with sparkling performances by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Tigers lost both games. The Tiger bats are MIA. Let's hope that changes tonight, in Game 4 with Doug Fister on the mound. Game time: 8:07. 

Go Tigers!!! 

***** 

A new survey of NJ residents found that Governor Chris Christie is more popular than...wait for it...New Jersey's own Bruce Springstein.  

- Apparently they think Christie was "Born to Run" even more than "The Boss". 

- To be fair, the survey was conducted at a Krispy Kreme Donut Shop. 

***** 

Bloomberg News reports that the economy is so rough, some women are selling their hair, eggs and breast milk just to make ends meet.  

- Men are complaining that if women continue to do this, there won't be anything left to hang onto. 

***** 

53% of people say they would rather have a cup of coffee in the morning than have sex.  

- How lucky is MSNBC's Joe Scarborough's wife? No matter how you look at it, she gets her "Morning Joe"!

- In a related story, it was announced that the average price for a hooker is just slightly less than a large coffee at Starbucks. 

***** 

Hillary Clinton told the crowd at a bizarre behind-closed-door speech to the "National Association of Convenience Stores" that she was one of the biggest supporters of the raid that took out Osama Bin Laden, while Joe Biden (her potential rival in 2016) was completely against it. 

- Joe Biden would have been mad at her remarks, but admitted he had no recollection of the raid.  

- Convenience store attendees said they learned a lot, while the only thing Hillary learned is that the manager does not have a key to the safe.  

***** 

The head of staffing for Congress says that the requirement that staffers give up their government health plans for Obamacare is already causing a "brain drain" as top staffers resign.  

- Which is a big problem because "brain drain" is not covered under Obamacare.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday. GO TIGERS!!! 

-Dick

C'mom Tigs...Turn 'Em Into Bearded Ladies!!!

Series tied at 1 each. Game 3 against the Bosox at 4:07 this afternoon at Comerica...with Verlander on the mound!

C'mon Boys! 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! 

***** 

NBC's Bob Costas came down on the side of those who think the Washington Redskins should change their team nickname. During the Sunday night game between Washington and Dallas, he said the term "Redskin" is "an insult and a slur". 

- So apparently Bob is NBC's new "Color" commentator.  

- I didn't see him at the time, as I was out having a delicious salmon dinner that included some roasted Native American Potatoes.  

***** 

The season premiere of "The Walking Dead" drew 16.1 million viewers, a cable series record. 

- You know that show...it's the one that features footage of people standing in line trying to sign up for Obamacare.  

***** 

Justin Bieber announced that he plans to release a new single every Monday for 10 Weeks. The first song is called "All That Matters".  

- If the first one is "All That Matters" there's really no need to buy the other 9.  

- The every Monday thing gives all his fans time to save up their allowance! 

***** 

The Vatican issued a commemorative coin but misspelled Jesus' name as "Lesus".  

- It's really embarrassing on the heels of their decorative plate featuring "Larry & Joseph In The Manger". 

- I'm thinking the official Vatican Spell-Checker doesn't have a prayer of keeping his job.  

***** 

Iran's president Hassan Rouhani asked Iranians to stop chanting "Death to America!" during protests.  

- But he added that yelling "America Sucks!" is okay.  

***** 

Macy's has "shocked" a lot of people by announcing that they will open their stores for early holiday shoppers at 8pm on Thanksgiving Day.  

- The people most "shocked" are the men who are going to have to drag their butts off the couch and do the dishes while the women go out shopping.  

- To commemorate the event, they're offering a limited edition Norman Rockwell-esque print of a kindly old couple embroiled in a fight to be first in line for a 42" big screen TV.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday. Oh...and...GO TIGERS!!!!! 

-Dick

Tigers: What A Bunch of Bull...Pen!

Happy Columbus Day...and you're Happy if you're a Spartan &/or Red Wing fan -- not so much if you pull for the Wolverines &/or Tigers! 

The Tigs and Red Sox are tied at one game each in their Best of 7 series because the Tiger bullpen couldn't hold a 5 to 1 lead in the 8th and 9th innings. Game 3: Tuesday late afternoon at Comerica with Verlander on the mound. 

***** 

Speaking of Columbus Day...The day we celebrate Christopher Columbus's arrival in the New World. 

- As you know I'm a bit of a history buff and have read that conditions on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria were deplorable, with waste everywhere, thus making them the first three ships in the "Carnival Cruise Line".  

***** 

Because of the government shutdown, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau has halted approval of all new beers. 

- So now we're stuck with the paltry 10,000 brands already available.  

- Even Old Milwaukee has a better head on it than the people in Government.  

- To give you an example of the trickle-down effect of the shutdown, Gyms will no longer admit members looking to get six-pack abs.  

***** 

Some human resource departments are using a new technology that assesses your personality and skills in certain areas.  

- They call it "The Edward Snowden Sneak 'n Leak Test". 

 *****

According to a study, moms are more exhausted than dads.  

- Tell me something I don't already know! 

- In other shocking news, you can save 15% or more on your car insurance by switching to Geiko.   

***** 

The Million Vet March was held in DC over the weekend.  

- If only we could have gotten the Vets to spay and/or neuter all the members of Congress!  (Oops...wrong kind of Vets!)

***** 

"Romeo and Juliet" opening in theaters over the weekend.   

- It got panned by the critics who called it "Much ado about nothing!"  

- If Taylor Swift had played Juliet, she wouldn't have poisoned herself; she would have just broken up with Romeo and written a song about it.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #96: "The Pros (Tigers!) & The Con (Kwame!)"

Fresh on the heels of the Tigers' elimination of the Oakland A's from the Play Offs, they  now face a Best of 7 Game series against the Boston Red Sox for the American League Championship!  

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With the Tigs on their way to Beantown...and Kwame on his way to Lockdown (for 28 years!)... we offer up Podcast #96. It features an encore visit from special guest, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs. 

Jim treats us to new and even more exciting argumentative conversation since he's a proud, card-carrying member of the "Screw Anger Management Society."

Among a myriad of other topics ranging from video games to old-time music, Jim presents us with a scientific list of ten things that prove he's a bad conversationalist.  

But it's all done in a "listenable" way (think hugging a porcupine) that only the Mighty Mr. Ochs can pull off. 

Oh...and some of it is even set to music!  

So treat yourself to a nice cup of coffee, pop a prozac, and settle in for Podcast #96!  

Have a great weekend and I'll see you right back here Monday with my regular blog!  

-Dick

Kwame To Find Out How Long He'll Be A Konvict...

After years of shaking down the City of Detroit, a months long trial and a lot of waiting, Kwame will find out today how many years he'll be spending in a Federal Prison. The activities got underway at 10am and are expected to go for many hours.    

- Kwame says he wants to get it over with as soon as possible so he can get back to taking kickbacks from the guards. 

- This means he may have to postpone the "comeback" we "done set him up for" for a while.  

- By the time he gets out of jail, we'll have colonized the moon, Miley Cyrus will no longer be "twerking" because of a broken hip, and someone will possibly have been able to sign up for Obamacare.  

***** 

HUGE night for the Tigers! The final, Do or Die Game 5 against the A's starts at 8:07pm (our time) out in Oakland. Let's see those Bengal Bats Blazing!!!!!

***** 

The TSA now allows passengers to board airplanes with marijuana.  

- Well that ought to make joining the "Mile High Club" that much easier! 

- So now when passengers find out their flights are delayed, they'll be like "Whatever dude. Got any Cheetos?" 

 *****

Suzanne Somers slammed Miley Cyrus for saying that "sex dies at 40". Suzanne claims she and her husband have sex twice a day and three times a day on weekends.  

 - Upon hearing the news, thousands of men urged their wives to search the attic for their old thigh master. 

- Suzanne added that they would have sex more, but their pesky landlords Mr. and Mrs. Roeper keep letting themselves into the house! 

 *****

Lindsay Lohan wants to open a rehab center to help others with addictions like she has. 

- It won't be cheap, but neither are all the drugs and booze Lindsay's gonna need to make it through this weekend. 

***** 

An Oklahoma man was arrested on burglary charges and police matched his DNA to "used" toilet paper found in the commode at the house he robbed.  

- The official charge is listed as "Breaking, Entering, and Pooping".  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here with Podcast #96, featuring "Mr. Positively Negative" Friday! 

-Dick  

"And The Hits Just Kept On Coming!"

TIGERS ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRED BACK WITH THE BIG BATS FINALLY BOOMING  TO TIE SERIES WITH THE A's 2 GAMES A PIECE!  DECIDING GAME 5 THURSDAY NIGHT IN OAKLAND. (8:07pm our time!) 

**** 

Tom Hanks explained his slimmed down figure by revealing that he was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. 

- As they say, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get!" 

***** 

Despite the government shutdown, the official congressional gym remains open.  

- It's considered essential because a lot of the congressmen need the pool to continue to tread water. 

- They kept it open so the congress people could keep up their cardio workouts...Assuming they actually have hearts to keep healthy.  

***** 

The leader of al Qaeda is blaming the U.S. for global warming.  

- So it's not the heat of the thousands of bombs they're blowing up every five minutes, it's your lawn mower.  

- You can tell it's actually being caused by al Qaeda because the biggest Carbon Footprint is in the shape of a sandal.  

***** 

An 89-year-old drug "mule" pled guilty in a Detroit Courtroom. He's allegedly been transporting cocaine for a Mexican Cartel to Chicago for years. 

- He's so old he used to date "Francis the Mule" (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) 

***** 

A new survey finds that only 46% of Americans have read a book in the last year.  

 - And of that 46% that did read a book...all 46% most likely read "Shades of Grey".  

- It's gotten so bad that even criminals won't read the book the judge throws at them.  

***** 

A school district right here in Michigan approved a no tag, no chasing policy for kindergartners.  

- However adults will still be allowed to play phone tag...for now.  

- Up next: PETA will protest for an end to "Duck, Duck, Goose!" 

***** 

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

- He was nominated by Vladimir Putin.  

- And Edward Snowden.  

- And Dennis Rodman.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! And GO TIGERS!!!

-Dick

Tigers Must Use Bats To Send Balls Into Belfry!!!

Tigers play Oakland tonight in their Best of 5 Game Series with the A's at Comerica Park. It's Do or Die with the Tig's down 2 games to 1, so it's a MUST WIN tonight! Go Tigers!!!!!

***** 

An 89-year-old drug "mule" is expected to plead guilty today in a Detroit Courtroom. He's allegedly been transporting cocaine for a Mexican Cartel to Chicago for years. 

- He's so old he used to date "Francis the Mule" (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) 

***** 

A new survey finds that only 46% of Americans have read a book in the last year.  

 - And of that 46%that did read a book...all 46% read "Shades of Grey".  

- It's gotten so bad that even criminals won't read the book the judge throws at them.  

***** 

A school district right here in Michigan approved a no tag, no chasing policy for kindergartners.  

- However adults will still be allowed to play phone tag...for now.  

- Up next: PETA will protest for an end to "Duck, Duck, Goose!" 

***** 

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

- He was nominated by Vladimir Putin.  

- And Edward Snowden.  

- And Dennis Rodman.  

***** 

An Oklahoma man was arrested on burglary charges and police matched his DNA to "used" toilet paper found in the commode at the house he robbed.  

- The official charge is listed as "Breaking, Entering, and Pooping".  

***** 

Since the government shutdown, people who need a quick payment for their federal government paycheck are flooding "Sugar Daddy" dating websites.   

- So if you're a sugar daddy looking to help one of these people out, you can find their profiles at eNonEssential.com.

*****  

Justin Bieber made news again Monday when a second photo surfaced that appears to show him smoking weed.  

- And as we all know, weed is a "Gateway Drug" to really bad singing.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

"Achy Breaky Twerk!"

On Friday, day traders sent an obscure penny stock called Tweeter Home Entertainment soaring by 1800% because they mistook it for Twitter. 

 - Miley Cyrus bought a ton of it because she thought it was "Tweeking Home Entertainment". 

- The owner of "Tweeter Home Entertainment", a Mr. A. Weiner, had no comment. 

***** 

As we mentioned last week, the dating website OKCupid allows people to pay for a filter that sorts people by body type. In other words, they can block overweight or unattractive people.  

- You can still find the "unattractive" people by clicking on the "Hit With An Ugly Stick" section. 

***** 

President Obama has joined the side of people who think the Washington Redskins should change their name so they don't offend Native Americans.  

- Why don't they bring in some Native Americans to meet with the pro and con people...and while they're at it, they can negotiate a debt ceiling deal.  

- It works because a bunch of politicians gathered around a table these days is pretty much "Sitting Bull".  

***** 

Fox has renewed "The Simpsons" for a 26th season and CBS has renewed David Letterman through 2015.  

 - So now Grandpa Simpson can attempt to break Dave's record for being the Longest Running Crotchety Old Cartoon Character on TV. 

- Actually Dave is starting to look more like Marge than Grandpa since his hair is turning blue.  

***** 

A new study shows 36% of 18 to 31 year-olds in the U.S. are living with their parents.  

- At age 32 they move on...and into their Grandparents' homes.  

***** 

Chris Brown claimed he lost his virginity at the age of eight.  

- But he insists he didn't start punching people until he turned nine.  

***** 

- On this day in 1913 Henry Ford established a moving assembly line.  

- Prior to this, the line never moved which tended to really cut down on production.  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!  

-Dick

U.S. Government Surrenders to Retired U.S. Troops...

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After Veterans of WWII embarrassed the Feds by breaking thru the barriers set up to keep them from visiting the World War II Memorial, the Government gave-in and "re-opened" the open-air Memorial.

- They may be in their 80's and 90's but these Vets still know how to bring down the bad guys. 

***** 

Interestingly, it cost more to put up the yellow tape and metal barricades then it would have cost to leave the memorial open which cost exactly nothing.  

- Apparently they were figuring the vets would keel over during the break-in, thus eliminating the need to provide them with healthcare!  

***** 

Day 3 of the Government Shutdown and some interesting tidbits have popped up, including the fact that while grocery stores on U.S. Army bases are closed, the golf course at Andrews Air Force Base is open.  

- It's good to be the President!  

***** 

The government shutdown has led to the cancellation of a KKK rally set for this weekend.  

- I think we're all thrilled to find out that our tax dollars go to hosting KKK get-togethers.  

 *****

On a lighter note...(so to speak)...the dating website OKCupid is reportedly allowing users to filter out fat and "unattractive" people for an additional fee. 

- So in addition to a "Flat Tax"...Now we've got a "Fat Tax".  

***** 

A new tourism guidebook from China is warning Chinese tourists not to pick their nose when traveling in foreign countries.  

- It may sound like a joke, but it's snot.  

- In China, tourists are allowed to pick their noses, although they do have do choose either "Nostril A" or "Nostril B".  

***** 

A wildlife study shows that primates like orangutans make an "O" face like human women do during sex.  

- Actually human women make the "O" face when they realize the guy they brought home from the bar is a real Orangutan.  

- The study also found that female orangutans didn't have red butts until they read about all the spanking in "Fifty Shades of Grey".   

***** 

In Beijing, Justin Bieber was photographed being carried up the Great Wall of China on the shoulders of his body guards.  

- Why can't the Federal Government shut Justin Bieber down?  

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday with an All-New Podcast! (#96!)

-Dick

No Little Government Shutdown Is Going To Stop These Guys!

Yesterday and today, WWII Vets made their way to Washington via "Honor Flight" to visit the World War II monument built to honor them. But due to the Government Shutdown, barricades had been erected to keep them out of the "closed" monument. Ironically, the open-air monument is always open to visitors 24/7 with or without government there. But the Soldiers who faced down Japanese Zeros and Hitler's tanks were not to be deterred. They broke through the barricades and, many of them in their eighties and nineties, fought for what was rightfully theirs: The freedom to visit their Monument. 

***** 

Apparently Joe Biden's personal assistant has been furloughed. The Veep was photographed yesterday holding a folder reading "Codeword" and "Classified Document" which was pointed directly at the press. Biden did not reveal the contents of the folder.  

- Nor did he read them.  

- Having Joe Biden in charge of secrets is kind of like trusting your crazy Uncle Bob with your credit card.  

***** 

An MSNBC anchor tried to demonstrate how to sign up for Obamacare live on TV. First she got an error message, then called the help line twice, waited on hold for 35 minutes and finally hung up.  

- Rachel Maddow exclaimed "See! I told you it would be easy!"

***** 

Lindsay Lohan's parents Michael and Dina have been banned from the set of her upcoming reality show.  

- There's a little known law that states only a certain number of felons is allowed on any single reality show. 

- However, you can look for the whole gosh darn Lohan family in a future episode of "Lock-Up Los Angeles".  

***** 

The creators of "The Simpsons" announced that sometime this season, a major character will die.  

- I hope it's not Marge! They're gonna have a heckuva time drawing a casket long enough to fit her hair.  

***** 

Cher says that her late ex-husband & singing partner Sonny Bono haunts and hangs around her mansion a lot. 

- So apparently in the afterlife, Sonny became a plastic surgeon.   

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back Thursday! 

-Dick

SHOCKER: DEMS & REPUBS CAN'T REACH AGREEMENT!

And so...for the first time in almost 20 years, the Federal Government is shut down. While you may not have noticed anything different this morning, a couple of things did change: All National Parks and Monuments will be closed and all "non-essential" Federal employees will be furloughed. 

- I wonder how Harry Reid and John Boehner are going to spend their time off?

- Anthony Weiner is furious about having to cancel his picture-taking trip to the Washington, Monument.  

 *****

President Obama reassured the public that during the shutdown, essential services will stay open.  

- Like the IRS and the NSA.  

- I sure hope this doesn't screw up all the "orange-barrel boulevards" around town.  

***** 

Obamacare officially kicks in today, and one Wyoming Senator says that the insurance exchange computer systems are so unready, they "are being held together with duct tape and chicken wire." 

- So they're basically like Cher was before they invented Botox.  

***** 

Medical experts came up with a list of things more painful than kidney stones.  

 - They include childbirth, root canals, and having a root canal while giving birth to a child. 

- Most painful of all: Watching Miley Cyrus perform on an Awards show.  

***** 

Al-Qaeda opened it's first official Twitter account complete with links to other terrorist groups that people might be interested in following. 

- This gives new meaning to the phrase "My phone is blowing up!"  

- Who knew they could describe how to bomb America in 140 characters or less?  

***** 

Diet Coke is offering a special limited-edition can featuring Taylor Swift's signature.  

- And just like Taylor's relationships, the offer will only last for a short time.  

- Fifty bucks says with in a month she's dumped Pepsi and taken up with Dr. Pepper.  

 *****

Have a great day and, apparently being ESSENTIAL Federal Employees (Who Knew???) we'll be back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

The Government Gone Fishin'???

Unless the Repubs and Dems come to a last minute agreement, The Federal Government is set to shut down tonight at midnight. But experts say most Americans won't notice any difference.  

- For example, they point out that Congress will continue to get nothing done.  

- I'm going to stay up and watch Nancy Pelosi's Limo turn back into a pumpkin.  

- Ryan Seacrest will host a big Countdown Party in Times Square. I guess no one told him the government has already dropped the ball.  

***** 

The Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives lost track of at least 420 million cigarettes.  

- Apparently the only butts they're able to keep up with are the Kardasians'.  

- To get them back they're offering a trade-in program: Turn in a pack of cigarettes and we'll give you a free gun.  

***** 

Hamilton College in New York is hosting a workshop on "The Big O" for woman. 

- A lot of women were disappointed when they found out it was about Orgasms and not Oprah Winfrey.  

- I think we just figured out who has those 420 million missing cigarettes.  

***** 

A man who cheated on his wife announced on Facebook that she'll taken him back if he gets 10.000 "Likes".  

- So far the only "Likes" he's gotten are from Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen.  

***** 

The latest NSA leak from Edward Snowden is that the NSA uses secret data mining to track Americans' social networks to learn about their personal lives, who their friends are and where they've traveled.  

- So in other words, the NSA is on Facebook.  

- The biggest bombshell they've found so far is a woman from Idaho's recipe for Crock Pot Chicken & Dumplings.  

 *****

A guy who used to do Weather for the Wall Street Journal says he was so upset by a new study that reported humans we're 95% responsible for global warming, he started crying and tweeted that he's going to get a vasectomy to cut down his carbon footprint. 

- Fellow forecasters predict a 50% change of him getting snipped this afternoon, and 0% chance of him having any baby showers.   

***** 

Despite rumors, O.J. Simpson denies that he stole any cookies from the Prison Cafeteria. 

- O.J claims the cookies were planted in his pants by Mark Fuhrman.  

***** 

Have a great day and no matter what happens with the government...I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #95: "The Glass is Half-Empty, Dammit!"

Welcome to the weekend, a new Podcast, and a brand-spankin' new Website! We decided to change things around a bit, freshen things up, and give you what we hope you'll find to be a more "user friendly" experience. (You know...like dealing with the DMV). 

And who is more "user friendly" than today's special guest and possibly the most argumentative person this side of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, former "Purtan's Person" Jim Ochs! 

Jim worked for years on my show doing voices like Casey Kasem and White Fang, plus participating in many "spirited" conversations in the studio - most of which occurred during songs or commercials when the mics were off.  Jim has an opinion on EVERYTHING which makes for some interesting listening! 

We go from the Tigers clinching the AL Central Division to Obamacare to Britney Spears in Vegas. We also talk about Google's claim that soon we'll be able to download our whole brains onto a computer. (Mine would fit on an I-Pod Nano).  

From who should play Johnny Carson on a new NBC mini-series, to should the Washington Redskins be forced to change their team nickname, we cover it all. 

So check out the new website and listen to Jim look for the tarnished silver-lining in the clouds during Podcast #95!

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with our new-looking regular blog! 

-Dick