Tigers Roar To Three-peat!!!!!

Congratulations to the Tigers for clinching the American League Central Championship Title for the 3rd year in a row!!! Last night they beat the Twins 1-0, with Max Scherzer getting his 21st win of the season! It was also Jim Leylands 700th win as Tiger Manager! 

*****

OJ Simpson has been busted again…this time for something he did in the Hooscow. The Juice, who reportedly weighs upwards of 300 pounds, was caught with about a dozen oatmeal cookies stuffed under his shirt. He lifted them from the Prison Cafeteria. 

- He says he needed the cookies to help him in his bid to win the Prison’s coveted “Biggest Thighs-man Trophy”.

- Amazing… he gets away with double murder, but can’t manage to put a cookie in his pants without getting caught.

*****

British researchers are recommending that psychologists extend the term “adolescence” to people up to 25 years instead of the traditional 18. They claim MRI”s show the human brain is not fully developed until someone reaches their mid-20’s.

- Great. Now your 23-year-old can say he’s moving back into your basement because his “brain is isn’t done developing”.

- The study was obviously conducted by a bunch of 25 year old slackers.

*****

A Cardinal at the Vatican said that because Jesus made brief statements that were full of meaning, He was the first Tweeter before there was Twitter.

- This explains the passage in the Bible that reads: “Just saw bunch of Roman Soldiers @JerusulemMall. Gross. Going to Starbucks. #SonofGodNeedsCoffee.

- The hardest part was carving all 140 characters into that stone tablet.

*****

Showtime is launching a new, rather graphic show called “Masters of Sex”. It’s a series that follows the lives and work of Masters & Johnson.

- To update it, they’ve added a couple gay guys who will be known as “Johnson & Johnson”.

*****

Charlie Sheen was in court this week to report for jury duty.

- He showed up in an orange jump suit and automatically went over and sat down at the defense table.  

*****

The U.S. Postal Service has been named one of the countries most trusted companies. 

- That could change, since a whole bunch of completed survey’s got lost in the mail. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast! (#95)

-Dick

"Fifty Shades of Caber-net?"

“Fifty Shades of Grey” author E.L. James has launched a line of “Fifty Shades of Grey” wine. 

- The biggest sellers so far are “S&M”…Shiraz and Merlot.

- Drink enough of it and you’ll end up naked in fur-lined handcuffs and a blindfold. 

- Wine tasters describe it as “Intense, with leather undertones and a Spanking finish”. 

*****

According to a new study, hangovers are less painful as you get older. 

- That’s because old people already take so many pain killers they can’t even get a headache. 

- The numbers may be off, since most older men think a “hangover” is what happens when his wife takes her bra off. 

*****

Dr. Oz says listening to music keeps you healthy. 

- His personal favorites include “Goodbye Yellow Yellow Brick Road” and anything by “Toto”…not unusual for a guy named “Dr. Oz”. 

- Just don’t “Twerk” while you’re listening, or you may cause people around you to have seizures. 

*****

As of this writing, Texas Senator Ted Cruz is in hour 20 of his Filibuster against Obamacare. He’s not allowed to sit down or take bathroom breaks, but he did manage to work in Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” as a bedtime story for his young daughters, since he wasn’t home to tuck ‘em in bed. 

- By this morning his bladder was so full, he read “Oh The Places I’ll Go!”

*****

President Obama spoke to the UN yesterday and said that since he took office, “the world is more stable.” 

- Syria-ously?

*****

Miley Cyrus appears on the cover of the new Rolling Stone magazine naked and with her tongue hanging out. 

- So if you haven’t seen Hannah’s Montanas yet…here’s your chance! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

From The Mouths Of Babes...

The Kenyan Mall Massacre continues as of this posting, four days after it began. The al Shabaab terrorists claim they are still holding 10 or more hostages. But there is an amazing twist being reported this morning.

A four-year-old British boy, Eliot Prior, confronted one of the terrorists. He bravely told the gunman “You’re a very bad man!” as he protected his mother Amber who had been shot in the leg, and his six year old sister Amelie. At that point the terrorist reportedly handed the two children Mars candy bars and said “Please forgive me… We are not monsters.” 

With 62 dead and upwards of 170 injured, I guess it depends on your definition of “Monster”. 

Meanwhile some of the Kenyan soldiers say they saw a woman in a white veil shouting orders to the terrorists in Arabic. Officials believe she may be a British woman in her late twenties known as “The White Widow” - who got her name after her husband blew himself up in a terrorist attack in 2007. She has been called the World’s Most Wanted Woman. 

It’s also believed that 2 or 3 Somalian American teenagers are among the terrorists. They emigrated to Minnesota with their parents where they were recruited by al Shabaab, and returned to Africa. 

*****

Have a peaceful day…

-Dick

I'll Have An Emmy With A Side Of Redskins!

Two big local winners over the weekend… The Lions broke a 21 game losing steak and beat the Redskins for the first time since 1935!!! And the “Pride of Chelsea Michigan”, actor Jeff Daniels won an Emmy for his role on “The Newsroom”!

*****

Speaking of the Emmy’s, they were handed out last night in a star-studded gala in LA.

- Most of the actors were just pretending to look shocked since Edward Snowden had leaked the results to them weeks ago. 

*****

Google experts say we’ll soon be able to download our entire minds to computers. 

- They estimate it would take Stephen Hawkings about a week, and Paris Hilton less than 60 seconds. 

- If you accidentally delete your mind, you have to change your name to Snooki.

*****

A British survey found that the average man gives up trying to keep in shape or look good at age 46, while women keep exercising and trying to look good until at least 59.

- That’s because by the time she’s 59, she’ll be looking for a new husband since the first one will have dropped dead.  

Most married men said they gave up caring about how they looked just 26 months after their wedding. 

- Luckily for the Kardashian girls, none of them stay married long enough to see their husband “let himself go”. 

- The one exception was Michael Moore who gave up caring about his appearance in third grade. 

*****

In Venezuela, the govenment took over a toilet paper factory to make it more efficient since the country has all but run out of TP. 

- The government told the owners to “quit stalling and get down to business!”

- Who better to print more of something that’s just going to get fllushed down the toilet?

- The Venezualan President said producing TP was his #1 (and #2) priority.

*****

The Scooter Store has filed for bankruptcy after a year of federal scrutiny over alleged Medicare and Medicaid fraud.  

- So the feds were able to nail the Scooter Store in one year, but we still haven’t made an arrest in Benghazi. 

- What’s next? Those nifty walk-in bathtubs???

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tueday!

-Dick

Fifty Nifty Things You Don't Know About Your Own Body!

Welcome to the weekend and a very special Podcast featuring 50 amazing facts about the human body that I came across and wanted to share with you. Many of the facts are given in quiz form - that you can play along with. Some are answered by Jackie and my wife Gail…but I’ll give you ALL the answers, even the ones they couldn’t get! 

Included are:

- The only cell in the body that’s visible by the human eye.

- The suprisingly strongest muscle in the body.

- Why one lung is smaller than the other.

- What in a newborn baby is 1/4 quarter of it’s total length, but by age 25 will only make up 1/8 of the whole body. 

- What three things pregnant women dream about most during the first trimester. 

- What, by age 60, will most people have lost 1/2 of (not counting car keys!)

- Like fingerprints, everyone has a unique ________ that can be used for ID!

- The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances you’ll have a ________. (Extra blankets is not the correct answer!)

For the answers to these 8 questions…plus 42 more amazing facts about the human body, just click on Podcast #94!

Sharpen your pencils and have fun!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #94

"Ma Ma! Da Da! Vod Ka!"

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem. 

- Warning signs include your little ones asking for “scotch with a spash of apple juice” in their sippy cups. 

- This explains why Lindsay Lohan gave a three-hour commencement address at her Pre-School Graduation!

*****

Two decades after Gennifer Flowers went public with her 12-year affair with Bill Clinton, she’s got a new job as a sex-advice columnist and says she learned “everything she knows” from the former Commander-in-Briefs. She also claims that Bill told her Hillary is bisexual and that he’s “totally fine with that”.  

- Bill said, “I said Bi-PARTISAN not Bi-SEXUAL!”

- He added “Listen to me…I did not give sex advice to that woman…Miss Flowers!” 

*****

Cher slammed Miley Cyrus’s MTV Awards performance, saying that Miley can’t dance, the song wasn’t great, her body looked like hell, and one butt cheek was hanging out.  

- When Cher starts criticizing you for being “too out there” it might be time to re-evaluate. 

- Cher’s body has never “looked like hell” because plastic really holds it’s shape. 

*****

A new study suggests that the average sexual encounter lasts about 6 minutes and burns 21 calories. 

- I’m assuming the study involves an encounter between a man and a woman…but these day you never know. 

- Or you can skip the sex and burn the 21 calories by standing up from the couch. 

*****

Starbucks is making headlines for saying customers carrying guns are not welcome in their stores. 

- On the flip side, gun carriers are not only welcome at Waffle House, they get the “Gun Totin’ Discount!”

- The only shots Starbucks allows are espresso. 

- They may have a point…all that caffeine can make your trigger finger a tad jumpy. 

*****

A pro-marijuana group may be allowed to run a TV ad during this year’s Super Bowl. 

- Too bad the game isn’t being played at Denver’s “Mile High Stadium”. 

- It makes sense, with 37 NFL players in, or headed for some time, in “the joint”.

*****

As part of her healthy food for kids campaign, Michelle Obama is targeting junk food ads with cartoon characters. 

- So don’t be surprised if you’re kids start saying, “Silly Rabbit! Brocolli is for kids!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a very different, and what I think is an extremely interesting Podcast! (#94) Don’t miss it! 

-Dick

"Girls Gone REALLY Wild??"

Over the weekend, Elton John said Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen” and that Lady Gaga is “in a bad place.”

- He added however, “I’m Still Standing”.    

*****

The NFL has doubled the price of the most expensive tickets to the Super Bowl to $2600 each. 

- Another great reason to be a Lions fan! 

- Who wouldn’t wanna spend $2600 to stand outside in the Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey in February???

*****

NASA’s Voyager I left the solar system last week making it the first human-made object to leave the solar system. 

- If you don’t count Tom Cruise and John Travolta. 

*****

It’s the 5th Anniversary of the 2008 financial crisis that plunged our country into an economic nightmare. 

- Most men had totally forgotten about the anniversary until their wives got mad and reminded them. 

- Etiquette says the proper gift for a 5th Anniversary Financial Crisis is cash. 

*****

Some mainstream companies are starting to consider advertising on porn websites. 

- Nothing kills the mood like finding out that just 15 minutes can save you hundreds of dollars on car insurance in the middle of “How The Chest Was Won”. 

*****

A study out of England found that a large number of employers view tattoos negatively. 

- Especially if it says “Work Sucks”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Dissing Ketchup Doesn't Cut The Mustard At Comerica Park!

Charlie Marcuse, The “Singing Hot Dog Man” from Comerica Park has been let-go for allegedly discouraging people from putting ketchup instead of mustard on the dogs he sells as a vendor. (I had him on my show many times!) Charlie is a “Mustard Man” but after 15 years the Sports Service Union has finally put it’s foot down on his public displays of condiment preferences.  

- So now he’ll be singing for his supper instead of yours! 

- Apparently after receiving three complaints, the managment said, “You’re Out!”.

- Charlie is seeking Asylum in France…chanting “French’s Mustard!” as he was led out of Comerica Park. 

*****

Four NFL “Centers” have signed on to promote an alternative to toilet paper. The new pre-moistend bathroom wipes are called “One Wipe Charlies” and will be targeted directly at men.  

- The Quarterbacks are behind the Centers 100%.

*****

The Vatican has opened the door to the possibility of letting priests get married.  

- There will be limits: The happy couple will only be allowed to register at “Lord & Taylor”. 

- Just like any other husband, a preist will have to make sure he doesn’t come home with lipstick on his collar. 

*****

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency banned an 80-year-old weightlifter for 2 years. 

- Apparently they consider Metamucil a Performing Enhancing Drug.

- The guy is 80 years old so a 2-year suspension basically means he’s been banned for life.

*****

A new report says the White House is infested with vermin. This time cockroaches are the problem, but in the past they’ve also dealt with mice and rats.

- Of course that’s just when they invited members of Congress to a State Dinner.

*****

Elton John said that despite being the godmother to his two young sons, Lady Gaga is in “a very dangerous place” and won’t return his phone calls.

- Turns out she accidentally turned off her phone when she went to the butcher shop to try on some dresses.

*****

Billboard’s Women in Music Awards has named Pink “Women of the Year”. 

- They awarded the “Pole Dancer of the Year” to Miley Cyrus.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

"The Doctor Will Ask You Now..."

Soon you can not only expect your doctor to check your blood pressure, but ask about your sex life.  A provision in Obamacare gives financial incentives to doctors to ask invasive questions including, “Are you sexually active? With how many partners? And are any of them same-sex partners?”, and then provide the info to the Feds. 

 - Doctors should take your BP before the sex questions if they want an accurate reading. 

 - It’s gonna be weird when your podiatrist asks who you’re sleeping while examining your bunions. 

 *****

There is one question not allowed to be asked by your physician under Obamacare: “Do you own a firearm”. 

 - So Doctors can give you shots, but they can’t ask if you’ve fired any of your own. 

 *****

Microbiologists at GOJO Industries say that the hand soap in 25% of the public restrooms they tested was as infected with bacteria as the toilet water. 

 - Men have known this for years which is why 25% of them never wash their hands after going to the bathroom! 

*****

Apparently a lot of people are talking about how humble Pope Francis is for driving a 1984 Renault car. 

- A 1984 Renault that’s still running? It’s a Miracle!  

*****

Justin Bieber posted a photo of himself holding a copy of the “Man of Steel: Batman vs. Superman” script, sparking internet outrage that he may play “Robin”. 

 - I think when most people think “Dynamic Duo” they think Ben Affleck and Justin Bieber. 

 - In a related story, Miley Cyrus will be the next Bond girl in the upcoming, “On Her Majesty’s Secret Twerking”. 

*****

Peyton Manning is upset that Denver pot dispensaries are selling a strain of marijana named after him. They claim it’s good for nausea. 

- On the flip side, the “Arron Hernandez” strain will most likely kill you. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to check my latest Podcast (#93) up now on the Homepage! 

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #93: "Syria And Dick-plomacy"

Welcome to the weekend and to our Jewish friends a special welcome as they observe the start of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, tonight at sunset.

In today’s brand new Podcast (#93) my wife Gail, my daughter Jackie and I sit around the dining room table and take on three big current events:

#1: Vladimir Putin’s op-ed piece in the NY Times dissing the U.S. and the President’s foreign policy regarding Syria. I offer up a few of my own ideas on how to settle the situation. (I’m no Henry Kissenger, but you really should consider my plans which involve the use of Obamacare, a shark cage, the U.S. and Russian foreign ministers, and Ben Affleck). 

#2: Anthony Weiner aka “Carlos Danger” and his loss in the NYC Mayoral Election. 

And #3: E-Cigarettes (something many women end up smoking after getting tweets from Anthony!)

That and lots more in my new Podcast!

Have a great weekend, stay warm, and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #93  (28:45)

You Can Lead A Russian Gift Horse To Water...But You Can't Make Him Wear A Shirt.

Russian President Vladimir Putin penned a piece published on the op-ed page of today’s New York Times in which he castigates and lectures the United States on the Syrian situation. 

- Part II of the article will be in next months Cosmo and will feature a picture of him on a horse with no shirt and a list of what turns him on.  

*****

The Russian commander of the International Space Station said he’s resigning for a better job. 

- He feels his career was just going around in circles….and is looking for something with a shorter commute. 

*****

The controversial “Million Muslim March” on 9/11 in Washington was drowned out when twice as many bikers showed up and surrounded it with a “Two Million Biker March”. 

- Which was then surrounded by the “Three Million Secret Service Agent March”. 

- Next year they’re going to combine it into one big “Million Harley’s & Hajabs March”. 

*****

Following his huge loss in the NYC Mayoral Primary, a defeated Anthony Weiner was photographed giving a reporter the finger. 

- Insiders say Weiner was not just defeated, but deflated as well. 

*****

Elton John revealed that Lady Gaga visits his house occassionally and bathes his sons. 

- He got the idea when his youngest started saying “Goo-Goo GaGa”. 

- Next up: Miley Cyrus will be stopping by to take them to dance class. 

*****

Oprah Winfrey revealed that she used to be afraid of balloons. 

- You can find out more about it when she sits down for an in-depth interview with herself on her OWN Magazine and TV channel next month. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast! (#93)

-Dick

Remembering the Unimaginable...

Today marks the 12 year anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks that forever changed our country and our people. What we witnessed that bright, sunny morning in NYC, Washington DC, and in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania seems unbelievabe, even now.

Though our emotional wounds have scarred over a bit, as tends to happen as the years go by, we will never forget. Not those who lost their lives. Not those left behind to grieve. 

While the attacks themselves came as a nightmarish surprise, our response as Americans did not. We did as we have always done: We took care of our own. And on this 12th Anniversary, I’m sure we are all, as always, Proud To Be Americans. 

-Dick

In honor of all the fallen and all who have carried on, here is Lee Greenwood’s classic song.  

Bombs (Going) Away!?!?!

With Syria’s last minute announcement that they’ll accept the Russian plan to hand over their Chemical Weapons, no one is quite sure what President Obama will say in his prime time speech to the nation tonight. 

- Maybe instead of trying to convince the American people to support military action he’ll just encourage us all to “Like” Syria on Facebook. 

*****

According to the World Happiness Report, the happiest nations on Earth are Denmark, Norway, Switzerland, the Netherlands and Sweden. 

- So to be happy, it’s obvious! Just grab a box of Clairol and become a blond! 

*****

A previously unknown painting by Vincent Van Gogh has been found in the attic of an art collector. It’s the first new Van Gogh to be discovered since 1888. 

- Critics want to hear more information saying they’re “all ear!”

*****

More Americans are becoming concerned about their online privacy. 

- To counter the concerns, the NSA is now sending out “Friend Requests” on Facebook. 

- The only person not concerned: Anthony Weiner. 

*****

Today is primary day in NYC… Weiner is convinced he’s going to be the next Mayor despite being dead last in the polls. 

- He points out that his wife Huma said he’s always been a strong finisher. 

*****

The Game Show Network is now casting Season 3 of “The Great American Bible Challenge”. 

- The winner gets a case of Miracle Whip; The loser gets a weekend in Sin City.

- The show has low ratings, but the Network has confessed it’s too afraid to cancel it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Eminem: What's All The Mus(Burger) About???

Lions win first game of season over Vikings 34-24 Sunday. Saturday night during Michigan/Notre Dame game, Eminem interviewed in the booth by Brent Musburger and looking somewhat spaced out and bizarre. Some people think it was real but of course it was all an act to help promote his new album “Berzerk”. Duh! (btw…Brent looks like he’s been eating a few too many Burgers!)

*****

Charlie Rose’s interview with Syrian President Assad airs tonight on PBS. Rose gave a sneak peak saying Assad denied using chemical weapons on his own people. 

- Well I sure didn’t see that one coming. 

- Assad was going to appear on “The View” but he was afraid the girls’ questions would be too tough. 

*****

Iowa is now granting gun permits to blind people. 

- I didn’t see that one coming either. 

- Whoever came up with this plan must have been as loaded as the guns. 

*****

Brazil wants to know why the NSA has been spying in their country. 

- Two words: Brazillian women. 

*****

Meanwhile John Kerry continues to make a case for action against Syria, saying it “will not involve boots on the ground”. 

- So basically the entire US military spent the weekend at Payless, looking for sandals. 

*****

A prison in California has announced that they will allow same sex marriages between inmates and “non-incarcerated” partners. Inmate to Inmate marriage is not allowed. 

- They’re afraid having married couples in prison together could lead to some nasty fights in the yard. 

- So technically gay inmates can marry male hookers from “the outside”…giving a whole new meaning to the “Pros and the Cons”. 

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#92) up now on the Homepage! See you right back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #92: "Lou-berace Gives Us An Encore!"

Welcome to the weekend and my latest Podcast (#92)! Today Jackie and I welcome fellow former radio guy Lou Roberts back to the mic. As we found out last week, Lou not only has a great voice - he’s got great fingers, too! He’s sort of like a balding, round, 5’6” version of Liberace without the “glamorous” outfits and the Gay part…(Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) and proves it on the Purtan Family piano conveniently located in the Purtan Family living room, just around the corner from the Purtan Family dining room, (aka Podcast central).

Lou’s musical opening naturally leads us to the current dance craze “Twerking”. (And people thought the Macarena was annoying…)

I’ll tell you why I prefer having a “Dumbphone” to a “Smartphone”…and Lou & Jackie offer up their dislike of “Texting Abbreviations”. (OMG! i mean, WTH…r u w/ me? LOL)

Plus we’ll tell you what NOT learning to write in cursive can do to kids brains; how a computer hack-job ended with my daughter JoAnne receiving an email invite to try a male-enhancement product…from her sister Jackie, and the one thing Lou won’t do in the bathroom. (Let’s just say he’s not into butt dialing.)

I’ll also tell you about the latest feature to hit Facebook that could have you and Vladimir Putin sharing family photos, and we’ll tell you about a new study that reveals what sports fans are most likely to do when their favorite team loses. 

We end on a high note…literally…as Lou heads back to the piano and “plays us out”. 

So grab you’re candelabra and click on over to Podcast #92!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #92  (33:49) 

"Rocket Man's Temper Fizzles!"

Elton John said he used to be a selfish, tantrum-throwing monster, but being the parent of two young kids has made him a better person. 

- So he’s officially out of the terrible sixty-twos!

- He couldn’t quite bring himself to apologize saying “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”. 

- He’s gotten so nice he’s even gonna let his six year old wear his giant duck costume for Halloween!

*****

The White House continues to make it’s case to Congress that a surgical strike on Syria is necessary. 

- If it happens, the Syrian people will take a double hit: They’ll be bombed… and under Obamacare, they’ll have to pay for the “surgical” part. 

*****

Bill Clinton claimed to be a vegan and was even named PETA’s Person of the Year, but now he’s told AARP magazine that he eats salmon and omelettes once a week. 

- He also admitted oogling Lady Gaga while she was wearing that meat dress. 

*****

Anthony Weiner was caught on video getting into a shouting match with a voter who called him “disgusting” and “a deviant”. 

- News got out when Anthony proudly tweeted the story to all of his female constituents. 

*****

According to the latest polls, Weiner’s support is down to 7 percent. 

- But he insists that on Election Day, “When The Moment Is Right, He’ll Be Ready!” 

*****

For the second year in a row, Forbes listed buxom Modern Family actress Sophia Vergara as far and away the the highest paid actress on TV, with earnings of over $30 million. 

- Proving that it is possible to make a really good living working on the “Boob Tube”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast (#92)! 

-Dick 

McCain Plays Poker During "Full House" Congressional Mtg...

Arizona Senator John McCain was caught by a photographer playing poker on his iPhone during yesterday’s Congressional hearing on Syria. McCain admitted he’d been gaming during the event, tweeting that the worst part was “I lost!”

- The media immediately blamed his poker loss on Sarah Palin. 

*****

After 3 1/2 hours of testimony urging Congress to approve military action in Syria, the Congressional panel says they’re “close” to making a decision. 

- They’re even closer to making a decision to vote themselves a pay raise!

***** 

A woman in China turned herself in after boiling her dead husband in a pressure cooker. 

- Like so many marriages, it started out Sweet and ended up Sour. 

*****

Speaking of China, a man there has invented a new device to help men who have bad aim when it comes to using public urinals. The device is called the “Pee Straight”. 

- You can also use it to write your name more legibly in the snow. 

- North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has asked the guy if he can create a similar device to help his firing squads hit their targets better.  

*****

If you’ve noticed Jack Nicholson hasn’t been in any movies lately, it’s because he decided to quietly retire from acting back in 2010. Insiders say memory problems make it too hard for him to remember his lines. 

- Hey, at his age, you figure “Something’s Got To Give”. 

- Doctors say he started having memory problems on purpose after doing that naked hot tub scene with Kathy Bates. 

*****

A former employee of Facebook claims there is no privacy at the company. 

- He says management put up a post when he was terminated that said “We just fired Bob! Can we get 100,000 Likes in an hour?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Back To School Daze!!!

It’s the day after Labor Day, and there are a whole lot of boys and girls with notebooks and pencils running up and down hallways with confused looks on their faces today, trying to figure out whats going on.

- And that’s just in Congress!

(btw…Good Luck to all the little and not-so-little-nippers heading back to school today!)

*****

The world may be holding it’s collective breath about what President Obama will do about the situation in Syria, but there’s something even more important going on overseas…

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea visiting his good friend Kim Jong Un. Rodman says he’s not there to be a diplomat, he just on vacaton and wants to “have fun and hang out” with Un. 

- If he’s not careful Un will have him “hanging out” on the gallows! 

*****

George H.W. Bush apologized for sending condolences on the death of still-alive Nelson Mandela on Sunday.

- Mandella accepted the apology but added, “I was surprised at the remark. I thought George H.W. Bush died a few years ago.”

*****

It’s reported that women are selling positive pregnancy tests on Craig’s List for other women to use to blackmail their boyfriends into marrying them.

- Women are sending negative pregnancy tests to Anthony Weiner to try to get him to stop tweeting!

- Ironically, most of the men being blackmailed hooked up with the women on Craig’s List in the first place.

*****

Even though high activity was predicted, there were no Atlantic hurricanes in August. 

- So far the highest winds along the East Coast have consisted of all the hot air coming out of Washington about what to do with Syria.  

*****

At the age of 64, long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad has become the first person to swim the 110 miles from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. 

- She was alone in the water except for some Cubans crammed into a ‘57 Chevy on an inflatable raft. 

*****

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#91) up now on the Homepage! See you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #91: "It Had To Be Lou!"

Welcome to the Unofficial Last Week of Summer! No matter what you’re doing for the holiday - be it shopping for back-to-school supplies or BBQing burgers and brats, take some time to tune into my latest Podcast (#91)!

Today regular Podcasting partner daughter Jackie and I welcome my old radio buddy Lou Roberts to the dining room table. If you grew up listening to Detroit radio, than you know Lou - if not by name, then by voice! We worked together at 95.5 before he left radio to become a full time free-lance commercial voice-over guy. You may not know it, but he may have convinced you to buy a car and a lot of other things over the years! 

Lou shares some memorable moments including the time he locked himself out of the station during his show, leading to a half hour of dead air before he was finally able to jimmie the door open. And another time when his career was nearly de-railed by an ill-timed extremely long train, which he had to navigate around…on foot. 

At the end of Podcast we find out that Lou has a hidden talent (other than breaking into locked buildings) that none of us knew about: He’s one heckuva Piano Player! And he proves it as he “plays us out” on the Purtan Family piano! 

So wave goodbye to August and say hello to Podcast #91! 

Have a great Holdiay Weekend and I’ll “See You In September”. 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #91

It Doesn't Pay To Be "A Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady!"

Kim Jong Un executed his former girlfriend, and 12 other performers for allegedly releasing provocative videos of themselves, but experts say Un’s wife was jealous of his former flame’s popularity. His ex was best known for her 2005 hit song “Very Excellent Horse-Like Lady”. 

- Suddenly having an ex boyfriend say something mean about you on Facebook doesn’t sound so bad. 

- Un refers to his wife as “the old ball, chain, and firing squad commmander”. 

*****

Business is down at brothels in Nevada forcing the “ladies” to offer discounts on their services. Madams blame the decline of “customers” to the high price of diesel fuel, leaving truck drivers with less money to spend.

- Nowadays of course  they can just go online an watch Miley Cyrus “twerk” for free. 

- Another problem is the guys are using “Groupons” so they can get two-lap dances for the price of one…of course in this business the “Groupons” are known as “Grope-ons”.

*****

Funeral directors in Detroit received an e-mail from the city back in July saying they could no longer provide them with Death Certificates because they ran out of paper and couldn’t afford to buy any. The shortage only lasted five days. 

- So the good news is, if you died in Detroit during the second week of July, technically, you’re still alive!!!

*****

The White House has asked Bill Clinton to give a major speech explaining how Obamacare works.  

- He’ll deliver it as soon as they can find someone who actually knows how it works and can explain it to Bill. 

- Bill did say he that supports Obamacare because it involves “medical interns”. 

*****

A new study finds that people who work more than 50 hours a week are making themselves physically and mentally ill. 

- This explains why everybody in the US Congress is fit as a fiddle! 

*****

Every single one of the nearly 25,000 candidates to the University of Liberia failed the schools admission exam. 

- So now the only people attending the school will be the football players. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an fellow radio buddy of mine on a brand new Podcast!

-Dick