Who's Your Daddy???

Stanford University researchers say that every man on the planet can trace their origin to a single man who lived 135,000 years ago. 

- So apparently cavemen could figure out how to make fire…but condoms? Not so much. 

- Ironically, he told his wife he didn’t want kids. 

 - He’s also the first guy to ever ask his wife to make him a Woolly Mammoth sandwich with mustard and mayo.

*****

“Little Red” a domestic off-shoot of Virgin Airlines will begin providing in-flight stand-up comedy and musical acts on their flights between England and Scotland. 

- $5 bucks says the first comic says, “I’m flying from England to Scotland…and boy are my arms tired!” 

- Virgin owner Robert Branson says he guarantees passengers will be “rolling in the aisle”. 

*****

After decades of rising, obesity rates among preschooolers fell from 2008 to 2011. 

- It’s not that the kids ate less, it’s just that like their parents, they threw up after watching so many episodes of “Dora the Explorer”. 

- The news has prompted TV producers to rename a popular show, “The Tele-Not-So-Tubbies”. 

*****

A Japanese company has created a toilet that can be flushed with a cell phone. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to “butt dialing”. 

- I guess using the handle on the toilet was just too much to ask of people. 

*****

The porn company that porduced Deep Throat is suing the makers of the new movie biopic “Lovelace” for infringing on their intellectual property. 

- If porn is “intellectual property”…then Charlie Sheen should be the President of Mensa. 

*****

ABC News editor Don Emmis, who decided he was transgender in 1999 and began living as a woman named Donna, suddenly realized he had amnesia and is really a man. He/She has stopped wearing dresses and switched back to the name Don. 

- Don said he’s holdin on to his collection of designer pums and matching bags…just in case. 

- The news has given Cher hope that someday her son Chaz may actually wear the wedding dress she save for her daughter Chastity.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all-new Podcast (#89)!

- Dick

Bush Praises Heart Doc...Sez "It's Hard Work...It Really Is!!!"

Former President George W. Bush (#43) underwent successful surgery at a Dallas hospital Tuesday to place a stent in a blocked artery. 

- He said he’s feeling good and will now be referred to as “The Stent-en-a-tor”.

- He’s now eligible to play in Dick Cheney’s “Blocked Artery Poker Game” every Tuesday.  

*****

FYI…In the Detroit Mayoral Primary, write-in candidate Mike Duggan won with about 53% of the vote; Benny Napoleon came in second with 30%. The two will face off against each other in November. 

****

Anthony Weiner refused to release his medical records or get a certification of mental fitness, but insists that he is fit for office. 

- Shouldn’t his wife Huma be the one taking the mental health evaluation? 

*****

AccuWeather has unveiled a new 45-day weather forecast. 

- Pretty amazing for people who can’t accurately predict whether it’s going to rain this afternoon. 

*****

Due to Russia’s decision to grant NSA leaker Edward Snowden asylum, President Obama has cancelled a scheduled meeting in Moscow with Vladimir Putin next month. 

- Obama rushed to get the news out before Snowden had a chance to leak it. 

- In his place, Dennis Rodman has already packed his bags and bought a bottle of Vodka as a Kremlin-Warming gift. 

*****

Asked if the ousting of Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was a coup, a US State Department spokeswoman said, “We have determined that we do not need to make a determination.”

- Well, you gotta admit they’re determined. 

*****

There’s a new app created in Japan designed to help women lose weight. It features men that make insulting comments. 

- It’s intended for singles, since most married women already have a guy who fufilled that role. 

*****

Sewer workers in London found a lump of fat the size of a double-decker bus clogging the sewage system.

- This is what happens when American celebrities sneak off to England for liposuction.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

"Telephones Are A Girls Best Friend???"

A new book claims that Marilyn Monroe called Jackie Kennedy and confessed that she was having an affair with JFK. 

- She was actually calling to have phone sex with John, but Jackie happened to pick up.

- Experts don’t know why Marilyn didn’t just talk to Jackie in person since she was staying in the Lincoln Bedroom at the time. 

- Some people claim she was also sleeping with LBJ. I don’t think even Lady Bird wanted to sleep with LBJ. 

*****

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday on Sunday. 

- Now even Obama is starting to wonder about the alleged “Death Panels” in Obamacare. 

- The whole staff at Fox News chipped in and got him one of those free Obama phones. 

*****

For the second time in a month, accused murdered and NFL player Aaron Hernandez has lost a relative to a “freak accident”. His Uncle died after crashing his Moped and he was not wearing a helmet. 

- The Hitmen Hernandez hired said the hardest part of the job was convincing Aaron’s Uncle not to wear a helmet. 

*****

Ellen DeGeneres has been chosen as the next host of the Oscars.

- Producers say she funny, popular and there’s no way a bunch of guys are gonna dance around singing, “We Saw Your Boobs”. 

*****

Just days after leaving rehab, Lindsay Lohan has vowed to “stay on the road to recovery”. 

- The only way Lindsay’s gonna stay on any road is if she hires a driver. 

*****

A new MLB report out later today is expected  to suspend Alex Rodriguez possibly for all time, and 50 other players, including Tiger Johnny Peralta, for 50 games or more for using PED’s. 

- That will give them plenty of time to bulk up on steroids in preparation for next year’s home opener. 

- A lot of baseball fans are upset with A-Rod who they now refer to as A-Somthing Else. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday. And don’t forget to check out Podcast #88 up now on the Homepage!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #88 - "The Royal Birth" (George) & "The Royal Jerk" (Anthony)

Welcome to the first weekend in August (ouch!) and a brand new Podcast (#88). Today I sit down for an encore visit by the former “Purtan’s Person” and always amusing Joe Noune, along with my regular co-horts, my wife Gail and daughter Jackie. 

Right out of the box, Joe explains why he’s wearing the same shirt he wore last week. It’s part of his special “Shirt Rotation Program” (I didn’t ask if he has a similar rotation program for his underwear.)

And speaking of underwear, Hot Diggity Dog…we talk about the “front runner” in NYC’s Mayoral race, Anthony Weiner and how he blamed his continued lewd behavior on “Rough Patches” in his marriage.

Being divorced, Joe regales us with some great stories about the “rough patches” in his marriage and reveals whether or not he “Pulled a Weiner” so to speak. 

Next we verbally fly across the pond to discuss/explain/explore the name chosen for the Royal Baby and it’s historical significance. Let’s just say Mr. Noune’s comments prove why the name “Joe” didn’t make the cut. Meanwhile Jackie explains how Kate and William have revitalized the monarchy, why it’s always good to add some fresh water to the gene pool, and how Mel Brooks showed us all that “It’s Good To Be The King!”

That leads to a discussion of how World War I started, who is Kim Jung Un’s REAL favorite basketball player (Sorry Dennis!), and some great stories about the Pope.

We wrap it all up with a joke featuring the airport, another famous man of religion, and a naked woman. 

So put some clothes on, sit back and click on Podcast #88!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #88  (38:39)

She's Back...!!!

A sex tape that Monica Lewinsky sent to President Clinton during their affair has surfaced and a transcript will be published today.  In the tape, Monica proposes ways for her and Bill to get together and what she would do to him. She adds that she’s “too cute and adorable to be ignored” and that one of their 60 second trysts was nice but not enough. 

- 60 seconds! Wow…talk about staying power!

- Monica talks about arranging her dates thru Bill’s Secretary but she didn’t realize that he was sleeping with her too. 

***** 

Experts say that this tape may be just the “tip of the iceberg” and that the re-emergence of the Scandal could hurt Hillary’s run for Prez. in 2016.

- So she’s hired the Public Relations firm of “Weiner & Spitzer” to handle her campaign. 

*****

Because Russia has cracked down so hard on any public expression of homosexuality, gay athletes at the 2014 Winter Olympics might be prosecuted. 

- This does not bode well for the “Two Man Luge” teams. 

*****

Speaking of Russia, NSA leaker Edward Snowden has finally left the Moscow Airport after being granted a one year Visa by Vladimir Putin. He is free to live anywhere in Russia that he wants. 

- I’ve heard Siberia is lovely this time of year! 

- The WH says the move may make Obama refuse to attend a meeting with Putin planned for this fall. Of course we won’t know what he decides to do until Edward Snowden leaks the info. 

*****

Reasarchers have found a way to create teeth out of urine. 

- So far they’ve only been able to make Whiz-dom teeth. 

*****

George Zimmerman was spotted in North Texas, where he got a speeding ticket and informed the cop that he had a gun in his truck.  

- The police officer let him go but Zimmerman called 911 to say he’d just seen a “suspicious looking cop”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast (#88)!

-Dick

Terrorist Detainees Desparate To "Gitmo Satisfaction"!!!

Reportedly, the most popular book among Gitmo terrorist detainees is “50 Shades of Grey”, which is requested more often than the Koran. 

- So now instead of planting bombs, the terrorists plan to tie Americans to beds and spank ‘em to death. 

- You can read more about it in their new book “50 Shades of Orange”. 

*****

One of Anthony Weiner’s campaign aides has apologized for calling a former intern on the Mayoral Campaign a “bitch who sucked at her job”.  

- The aide called and emailed the intern to apologize…and Weiner himself followed up with a “special” tweet. 

*****

Despite the continued scandals that surround his campaign, Weiner is airing a TV spot in which he says he won’t drop out of the race. Looking at the camera he says, “Quit isn’t the way we roll in New York City”. 

- And I believe him! He didn’t “quit” tweeting inappropriate pictures of himself even after he had to resign from Congress for tweeting inappropriate pictures of himself. 

*****

Former New York Governor and high priced call girl client Elliot Spitzer said he won’t vote for Anthony Weiner because “that guy’s not fit to be mayor”. 

- He continued saying “I saw London, I saw France…I saw Weiner’s underpants!”

- Pot, meet Kettle. Kettle, this is Pot. 

- Spitzer claims he respects women so much he sometimes calls them “Madam”. 

*****

Today is the day Lindsay Lohan is finally free to leave rehab - but she’s decided she wants to stay longer. 

- Apparently the drugs her friends sneak-in during “Visiting Hour” are way better than the ones she gets at home. 

- I guess she figures she’ll save time by not having to pack her suitcase, unpack it at home, and pack it again next week went she’s sent back to rehab. 

*****

In Israel, an intoxicated woman tossed her cookies in an IKEA store. 

- It only took three employees six hours to put the mop together to clean it up. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday…AUGUST 1st!!!

-Dick

Dirty (Diaper) Harry?

Prince William’s younger brother Prince Harry has offered to baby-sit his newborn nephew. 

- He thinks it’ll give him credibility at the Vegas crap tables when he says “Baby needs a new pair of shoes!”

- Kate got nervous when he offered to “bring his own bottles” to feed the future King. 

*****

The New York Post reports that Bill and Hillary Clinton are privately “livid” at the press comparisons of them to Anthony Weiner and his wife. 

- Apparently Bill was in the men’s room with Weiner recently and insists there is absolutely “No Comparison”.

- Bill was overheard saying, “Listen to me…I did not have sex with that woman…Mrs. Weiner”. 

*****

Workers at fast food restaurants in seven cities walked off the job Monday, to demand that their pay be doubled. 

- Looks like “Special Orders” may not upset them, but minimum wage does. 

- Chances are the only thing they’re gonna get “doubled” is a cheeseburger. 

- Chris Christie immediately issued a statement saying “Give ‘em whatever they want!”

*****

A recent survey finds that the most wanted feature in an airport is a movie theater. 

- Passengers want someplace where they can get groped in private by someone they like, instead of a TSA Agent. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan says she’s made a list of “toxic friends” who are bad influences, and that she plans to cut them out of her life. 

- Meanwhile Lindsay’s “toxic friends” have made their own list, and guess who’s on top?  

*****

The Pope drew a crowd of 3 million people to a mass on a beach in Rio, including Brazilian women in bikinis. 

- The men in the crowd reportedly had no idea what the Pope said, but were thanking God anyway. 

- Bill Clinton said if he had any idea you could say mass in front of bikini clad women, he would have run for Pope instead of President. 

*****

Have a great day - and remember Podcast #87 featuring the many voices of former “Purtan’s Person” Joe Noune, is up for your listening pleasure on the homepage! See you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Coffee: It Keeps You Awake...And Alive!!!

A new study by the Harvard School of Public Health shows that drinking regular coffee reduces the risk of suicide by about 50%. 

- I would have thought the caffeine would keep you up all night thinking about how miserable your life is. 

- This would explain why Juan Valdez and Mrs. Folger always look so darn happy! 

*****

NYC Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager has quit.

- Apparently the guy got tired of being referred to as Weiner’s “right hand man”. 

- Weiner is asking those interested in filling the job to send a resume. With pictures. 

*****

Edward Snowden may soon be able to leave the Moscow airport where he’s been holed up since the end of June. 

- We know it’s true because Snowden is the one who leaked the story. 

- Reporters anxious to follow him have gathered around the guy by the luggage carosel holding up a sign reading “Snowden”. 

*****

A second woman has come forward accsuing San Diego mayor Bob Filner of sexual harrassment. He allegedly told her not to wear underwear to work. 

- Filner says that’s because she had anger issues and was “always getting her panties in a bunch”. 

- Even Victoria’s Secret makes their models wear underwear to work! Of course that’s all they wear.

*****

O.J. Simpson pleaded with the Nevada parole board to cut his prison term saying he’s been a good inmate. 

- Which is true when you consider that he hasn’t killed any other inmates. Yet. 

*****

Alex Rodriguez could be facing a lifetime ban from baseball for using Performing Enhancing Drugs. 

- Rodriguez claims the only Performing Enhancing Drug he’s used is Viagra.  

*****

Courtney Love has a new album planned for a Christmas release. 

- The first single will be “I’ll Be A Ho For The Holidays”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday. And don’t forget to check out Podcast #87 featuring a special visit from Coleman Young! (Well, sort of!)

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #87: "C" (as in Coleman) is Back In The "D"!!!

Welcome to the weekend and my latest Podcast…#87!

With Detroit declaring Bankruptcy (who knew things weren’t going well???) I thought we’d invite a very special guest to the show: the former Mayor of the City of Detroit, Coleman Young. But since he’s busy hiding Kuggerands in the ceiling of that great Manoogian Mansion in the Sky, I went to Plan B: Joe Noune. 

As a “Purtan’s Person” character guy for more than 20 years, Joe’s imitation of Coleman Young was second to none. 

He tells the story about the rather nerve wracking and humerous meeting he attended with the real Coleman - along with Isiah Thomas, Dave Bing and a whole bunch of other heavy hitters to plan a “No Crime Day” (which I ended up Emceeing) - and how the actual Mayor turned Joe from being a guy paralyzed by “Fear-O” into a “Hero” with a single sentence.  

There’s also the great story about the time Joe and Coleman teamed up together to make me the subject of one of my own Put-On Calls. (And remember…these were the days when they were legal and REAL!!!)

We also talk about everyone from Mel Brooks to Monica Lewinsky. (Don’t ask me how it happened…it just did). Plus I’ll tell you how I neglected to follow the customary - and some (wives) would say mandatory “kiss & mention your spouse” tradition after winning a National Radio Award in Dallas. 

So kiss and thank someone near you, then click on the link below and tune-in to Podcast #87. It’s free so at least YOU won’t go bankrupt!

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #87

Conrad Murray Has A Chimp On His Shoulder...

Dr. Conrad Murray, the doctor convicted of manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson says if he’s called to testify in Kathryn Jackson’s $40 billion lawsuit against concert promoter AEG Live, he will reveal bombshell info that would hurt both sides. He said it should be considered an “imminent nuclear threat”.

- Sounds like somebody needs to take a little propofol and chill out.

- I just wish Michael’s pet monkey Bubbles was still alive so we could get the real story.

*****

After admitting that his “sexting” continued long after he resigned from Congress in disgrace for the same offense, Anthony Weiner is now blaming his continued behavior on a “rough patch in his marriage”.

- A “rough patch” that began the first time his wife Huma found out he was sending naked pictures of his Johnson to other women.

Meanwhile, a Veteran Detroit Police Officer, Don Johnson, has been fired for sending an explicit photo of himself to another officer. 

- So “Johnson” pulled a “Weiner”!

*****

In other semi-perverts in the news…Geraldo Rivera explained away his tweeting a suggestive picture of himself in nothing but a low-slung towel, to alcohol and lonliness. He said he got home from work, had a few cocktails and decided that he looked so good for a 70-year-old, he wanted to share. 

- He then took the picture off the internet and locked it in Al Capone’s Vault. 

- So apparently 70 is the new stupid. 

*****

A new report shows that Google accounts for 25% of all internet traffic. 

- If you don’t believe me, just Google it. 

*****

McDonalds is predicting a tough sales year. 

- It all started when Mayor McCheese started tweeting women pictures of his Big Mac. 

- In a related story, it’s been revealed that the “Burger King” has a Whopper Junior. 

*****

The Detroit City Council has called for a federal investigation into George Zimmerman. 

- Next on the agenda: Figuring out a way to get the traffic lights to work.  

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand-spanking new Podcast (#87) with special guest, the always funny Joe Noune!

-Dick

Hot Dog! Weiner Does It Again And Gets His Buns In Hot Water!

Anthony Weiner admitted that newly released graphic tweets from a sex chat with a 22-year-old woman were sent by him months after he quit Congress in disgrace. He tried to get away with it by using the name “Carlos Danger”. 

- I thought “Carlos Danger” was the name of the Hispanic “Superman”. 

- So after he resigned, he basically sat around all day twittering his thumbs…and some other stuff. 

*****

To be fair, when Weiner announced he was running for NYC Mayor he did admit that “something new might come out”. 

- And it did. Out of his pants. 

- He used a different e-mail provider so this time he showed the girl pics of his Hoo-Hah on Yahoo. 

- Does anyone else find it ironic that he made the announcement on the heels of “National Hot Dog Day”???

- This guy’s penis has posed for more pictures than Cindy Crawford. 

*****

“Freedom”, a magazine run by the Church of Scientology is advertising for investigative reporters.  

- The first assignment will be an in depth photo essay on Tom Cruise’s vacation home on Mars.  

*****

Pop Francis had a close call when his driver took a wrong turn in Rio and got stuck in a traffic jam where admireres mobbed the Pope’s car. 

- I guess the driver misunderstood when the Pope said he wanted to take the Catholic Church in a new direction. 

- The Pope wasn’t injured, although somebody did steal his big white hat that was sticking out of the sunroof. 

*****

In her new memoir, “Partridge Family” mom Shirley Jones goes into suprisingly graphic detail about her sex life, including agreeing to a 3-Way with her late husband Jack Cassidy and another woman. She says her reaction was “Yuk”. 

- Which was exactly what she said when Producers of the show suggested a romantic relationship between her and band manager Reuben Kinkaid. 

*****

Jones also says that even though she’s 79, her husband Marty Ingels thinks she’s still beautiful, so she occassional takes off all her closes and shakes her breasts at him. 

- It’s a great way to turn him on and sweep the floor at the same time. 

*****

NSA Leaker Edward Snowden has reportedly been given permission to leave the Moscow airport and roam freely around the country. 

- Right…just like all of the Russian citizens who roam “freely around the country”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

He May Wear Huggies...But He'll Always Be Pampered!

As of this writing, Kate Middleton and Prince William have not released the name of their new little Prince, but in keeping with Royal tradition the baby will probably have three or four names that honor famous Brits.

- Right now, the leading contender is the name George, in honor of all the famous Georges in British history. First and foremost of course: Boy George. (Who could forget that classic hit “Karma Chameleon”?)

- The couple will have plenty of time to decide while the baby is with the “Royal Burper”. 

*****

There is also a lot of speculation on just who the baby will look like. 

- All of Britain is giving thanks that Camilla is not a blood-relative. 

*****

Today is National Hot Dog Day! 

- So grab your buns and go for it.

- To celebrate, NYC mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner will cover himself with mustard and tweet out pictures of himself.  

*****

Researchers say some day there could be a pill that gives the benefits of exercise without having to work out.

- I believe the key words here are “some day”.

- This gives a whole new meaning to “Pill-ates”. 

- Doctors are already warning that if you buff-up for more than four hours after taking the pill, go directly to the hospital. 

*****

The CIA is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a study to see if humans can control the weather.

- The money will come of course from their “Rainy Day Fund”.

*****

Carnival executives have released the name of their next cruise ship.

- It’s called “The Sewage of The Sea”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

"Previously Enjoyed" City Up For Sale...

Detroit officials announced that the bankrupcy filed last week did not mean that they were going to sell off the artwork at the DIA.

- They were going to put City Hall on the market, but then they remembered that Kwame sold that years ago…and he’s got the “rap sheet” to prove it!   

*****

In case you just crawled out from under a rock…Kate Middleton has gone into labor and is “in hospital”. As of this writing the Royal Baby has not been born, but it could happen at any minute. 

- Rumor has it that the baby is already crowning. 

- We don’t know the baby’s sex yet, but when push comes to shove they’re gonna have to let us know. 

- If the baby has Charles’ ears…we may be in for a long wait. 

- Soon we’ll find out if Enland will have more Royal Jewels, or someone to wear the ones they already have. 

- Nobody in the Royal Family has pushed this hard since Charlie tried to push Queen Elizabeth off the throne. 

*****

Vice President Biden says he hasn’t ruled out running for President in 2016.

- Everyone in the country has…but Joe hasn’t. 

*****

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un reportedly fired his step mom from her government post because “she knows too much”. 

- She knows too much as opposed to Kim Jong Un who knows virtually nothing. 

*****

A study by the London School of Economics found that for humans, happiness peaks at ages 23 and 69.

- Happiest of all are 69-year-old men married to 23-year old women.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget Podcast #86 up now on the homepage!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #86: "Lights! Camera! Actress!"

Welcome to the weekend and one of those rare times when the number of my latest Podcast (#86) almost matches the temp outside! Today I welcome an aspiring young Actress from Detroit who wants to make it big on the “Big Screen” (or the “Little Screen” for that matter). Her name is Elyse Cantor and she’s got big dreams…and what better way to start than by appearing on my Podcast!? 

Not to say that my expansive stories about my own film work (an eleven-second voice over in Beverly Hills Cop III) aren’t enough to pump her up, but things get a little more involved when Jackie (one of the Original Cast Members of “The Second City” Detroit), shares a wealth of info and “behind the scenes” stories into the world of acting. 

From the thrilling time she spent with SCTV legend John Candy to naked cast members backstage, Jackie bares it all! 

The two ladies also try their hand at a little improv: we discuss the major differences between stage and film acting, and both ladies share their view on the protests that erupted from actresses who have made big bucks appearing topless - and then turned around and complained about it when Seth McFarlane sang “We Saw Your Boobs” at this year’s Academy Awards. 

Plus, our special guest explains how, at 23, she’s already been subjected to today’s version of “The Casting Couch”. (Turns out these days, directors don’t need to buy a sectional from Art Van to try and see you naked). 

So pop some popcorn, sit back and settle in for Podcast #86. I think you’ll give it two thumbs up, but if not…”Frankly my dear, I don’t…” 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #86

This Oughta Wig You Out!

There’s a company that makes wigs for babies who are born bald. 

- So between the wig, no teeth and diapers, babies are basically just miniature old people. 

*****

To show how sexy and beloved he is, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un realeased a photo of cute young female workers mobbing him at a mushroom festival. 

- Un threatened to have them thrown in prison when he found out they were whispering “There’s a Fung-Gus-Among-Gus”.

*****

Business Insider says the chance of winning the $1 million grand prize in McDonald’s Monopoly game is 1 in 3 billion. 

- Which is just slightly better odds than the guy at the drive-thru getting your order right. 

- They should change their sign to “2 Billion, 999,999,999 NOT served!”

*****

New research says that we yawn because we need to cool off our brains. 

- I just stick my head in the freezer for a few minutes. 

*****

Boy Scouts considered to be “obese” were left out of this year’s Boy Scout Jamboree. 

- Unbelievable…but “on my honor” it’s true! 

- Instead of giving the usual Boy Scout two-finger salute, the boys who were left out used just one finger instead. 

- The obese boys blamed it on eating too many Girl Scout Cookies.  

*****

Oprah Winfrey has signed Lindsay Lohan to star in a new Reality Show on her OWN Network. 

- This is the first time Linsay will be involved in anything resembling “reality” in years. 

- It’s been tentatively called “The Biggest Boozer”. 

*****

Kim Kardashian was mocked after she tweeted about the injustice of acquitting a killer. Fans quickly reminded her that her late dad Robert Kardashian was one of O.J. Simpson’s lawyers. 

- Kim responded “Who’s O.J.?”

- Followed by “Who’s Robert Kardashian?”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an all new Podcast - #86!

-Dick

First Baseman Gets To Third Base!

The Tigers played a huge part in last night’s All Star Game, with Scherzer pitching a perfect first inning, Cabrera hitting a double, Fielder getting a triple and Jim Leyland managing a great AL team! The 3-0 victory broke the NL’s 3 year winning streak. 

*****

NSA leaker Edward Snowden promised that if he’s allowed asylum in Russia, he won’t leak any state secrets. 

- And if you can’t trust Edward Snowden who can you trust? 

- Isn’t the fact that he leaks US government secrets the only reason Russia wants him in the first place? 

*****

A British study found that Viagra can boost blood flow to the womb and help preborn babies grow bigger. 

- Of course it only works on male babies. 

- Luckily, if the mothers-to-be have contractions lasting more than 4 hours, they’ll already be with their doctor. 

*****

Meanwhile a Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a 13-pound, 12 ounce bouncing baby girl. 

- Sereiously…she could bounce. 

*****

O.J. Simpson has a parole hearing tomorrow in Nevada. He’ll ask to be released from Prison. 

- After they say “No”, he’ll go back to his usual routine of looking for the real killer or killers in the Prison Yard. 

- He’s requested a change of venue for the hearing…he wants it moved to Sanford, Florida. 

*****

Asiana Airlines had dropped plans to sue a San Francisco TV station after a news anchor there read what turned out to be fake names of the pilots involved in the recent crash, live on the air. The names included “Sum Ting Wong” and “Wi Tu Lo”. 

- The announcement was made by the airline’s president, “Wi No Su”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Pitcher This!

Tonight’s the MLB All-Star Game. Six Tigers on the American League roster…including Max Scherzer who will start on the mound! 

*****

Twinkies are officially back…and actually contain 15 fewer calories than before. That’s because they’re four grams smaller than the original. 

- What kind of Ding Dong came up with the plan to make them smaller? 

- I guess the governments plan to “slim down America” has to start somewhere.

*****

Michelle Obama is pushing the idea of “walking school busses,” where a group of students gather with an adult supervisor, then walk to school. 

- So now the kids will go to school singing, “The Knees on the Supervisor go Click, Click, Click!” 

*****

According to a new study, casual sex is linked to depression. 

- This explains the new Viagra/Prozac Combo Pack I saw at the drugstore. 

*****

Japanese Police have cracked an alleged “Home Delivery” prostitution ring that sent hookers weighing upwards of 300 pounds to their clients homes or hotels. 

- This gives new meaning to “Hot & Heavy” romance. 

- Oh sure…it’s always fun until somebody gets smothered. 

*****

A new study finds that 20 percent of smartphone owners use their phones during sex. 

- You’d think their partners would be upset, but people who text during sex usually don’t have a partner. 

*****

In Russia, the Kremlin is switching to typewriters to prevent computer spying. 

- Now they’ll be able to detect spys by watching to see who leaves work with his pants stuffed with mimeograph papers. 

- Wow…I haven’t seen a Smith-Kremlinona since the Cold War!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday…Go Tigers! 

-Dick

This Idea Is Off The Hook!!!!!

A San Francisco man has invented a bra that unsnaps when you clap your hands. 

- Men greeted the announcement with wild applause. 

- It’s called the over-the-shoulder-clapper-unsnapper. 

- Well there goes the old “Please save your applause until the end” speil during the Miss America Swimsuit competition.  

- Clap inside a nursing home and all the women will yell, “Help! They’ve fallen and I can’t get ‘em up!”

*****

A man was arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding up a sign that said “Taylor Swift is with Satan”. 

- Taylor Swiftly responded that she and Satan had broken up two weeks ago and were never, ever, ever getting back together again!

*****

One of Hollywoood’s most prominent same-sex married coules, “Glee” star Jane Lynch and Dr. Lara Embry, have filed for divorce. 

- They both cited “alienation of affection” saying the other one always said she had a headache. 

*****

A Brazillian Man was killed after a cow that had wandered onto the metal roof of his house, fell and landed on him while he was lying in bed with his wife.

- This is why I always count sheep…they’re a lot lighter. 

- Amazingly, his wife Elsie, walked away unscathed. 

- So a glass of milk can help you fall asleep. and a cow falling on you can put you to sleep forever. 

*****

News outlets from around the world have set up camp outside the hosiptal where Kate Middleton will deliver the Royal baby. 

- Reporters say the excitement is so palbable you can actually feel it in the heir! 

- In keeping with tradition, the doctor will smack the baby on the butt to ensure that it starts…waving.  

*****

20th Century Fox allegedly plans to turn a whole slew of it’s hit movie into musicals for Broadway. 

- Prodcucers are already working on a new tap-dance number for “Saving Private Ryan: The Musical”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget my “Happy Birthday Podcast” is up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

"If I'da Known You Were Comin' I'da Baked a...WATERMELON???"

Welcome to Podcast #85, which we just happend to record on my Birthday (Not #85 btw!). 

It’s a family affair with my wife Gail and three of my daughters, Jackie, Jill and Juie - plus as an added bonus my 11-year-old Grandson (Jackie’s son) Charlie. 

Charlie shares his knowledge of the Revolutionary War and more importantly, explains in no uncertain terms why he comes with his Mom to do the Podcasts!

Although our annual Purtan Summer Birthday Party celebrating 7, yup 7, family birthdays in June and July isn’t until the weekend, I was lucky enough to get a few presents in advance. 

I don’t want to give anything away, but one of them was green, curly and came from the “As Seen On TV” section of the drugstore! 

In keeping with my obession, uh, desire to eat healthy… Everyone sang “Happy Birthday” as they presented me with a seedless watermelon complete with a candle. 

My wife Gail had a suggesstion as to what gift I really need for my birthday…and (hint, hint) luckily I didn’t hear what she said. 

We also talk about everything from Roku TV to my dog Katie jumping out of the window of my car, to my Dad (who lived to be 96) and his penchant for slot machines and returning every gift I ever gave him for cash. (He was kind of a “two-armed bandit!).

So place your bets on Podcast #85. And if you’re in the area, stop by for a slice of my Birthday Watermelon! 

Have a great weekend! 

Purtan Podcast #85

-Dick 

Somebody's Celebratin' a Birthday!!!!!

Jackie here! Yes it’s July 11th! And that can mean only one thing…IT’S DICK’S (MY DAD’S) BIRTHDAY! And while I was going through some things getting ready for Dad’s traditional family party, including a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, Go-Carting and “Pin The Tail On The Disc Jockey”, I came across this rare, never before seen picture of my Dad, snapped just moments after he was born. (I can’t imagine why my Grandparents didn’t have it on display…)

Okay…truth be told, that’s actually a picture of my sister Julie’s baby Brayden taken on his birthday in January 2012… But you have to admit there’s a bit of a family resemblance! 

Have a great day and let the Birthday Festival begin! 

Much love…

-Jackie (Along with my Mom Gail & 5 Sisters… Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica & Julie!)