Santorum Sweater Vest To Be Placed In Smithsonian Next To "Dukakis Tank".

In a move that surprised many, second-runner Rick Santorum bowed out of the GOP Presidential race yesterday. But he’s is asking his supporters to continue donating to help pay off his campaign debt. 

- If Mitt Romney had known Santorum wanted to get out of the race and pay off his debt, Romney would have written him a check months ago! 

- Meanwhile Newt Gingrich is still in the race… he’s sort of like Cousin Ed in “Christmas Vacation” who parked his RV in Clark W. Griswold’s driveway and refused to leave.  

"Thar She Blows!"

The cruise ship retracing the voyage of the Titanic was delayed on it’s very first day due to strong winds.  

- The ship didn’t have enough Kites on board for all of the passengers.  

- So apparently Celine Dion’s heart will go on, but the ship has to stop when a little wind kicks up. 

- The wind was so strong a guy standing on the bow of the ship yelling, “I’m the King of the World!” blew overboard. 

Funeral For A Friend!

A public funeral service is being planned for famed TV journalism pioneer Mike Wallace who passed away over the weekend at the age of 93.

- The service is expected to last about 60 Minutes. 

- The eulogy will be delivered by a group of his peers and will begin, “I’m Steve Croft… I’m Leslie Stahl… I’m Morley Safer… and THIS… is Mike Wallace’s funeral.” 

- St. Peter reportedly quit his job at the Pearly Gates saying “I can’t take any more questions from Mike Wallace!”

"Smoke 'Em If You Read 'Em!"

Rapper Snoop Dogg is releasing a smokabe book to promote his new brand of smoking papers.  

- Up until now, the most smoking book was the “Mommy Porn” book “Fifty Shades of Gray”. 

- It’s the number one selection of “The Toke of The Month Club”. 

- Critics say, “It’s a real page-burner!”

Kanye + Kim = Hickey!

The tabloids are all abuzz with talk that Kanye West gave the recently un-wed Kim Karsashian a hickey. 

- Wow… She wasn’t even married long enough for her husband to do that! 

- Kanye says it’s true, but the hickey he gave Beyonce was “the greatest hickey of all time”. 

- You know you’ve hit bottom when you’ve left a mark on Kim Kardashian.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1900, the US Navy introduced it’s first submarine. 

- Things would have gone perfectly if they had just remembered to close the hatch. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

New Study: Teens Waiting Longer Than 9 Months To Give Birth!

A new study finds that teen birth rates in the U.S. have fallen to a record low. 

- So women finally realized it’s a lot easier giving birth to an infant than a full-sized teenager. 

Why You Should Say "No" If Bill Gates Invites You Over For A Drink...

Bill Gates is pumping millions of dollars into developing a process that filters toilet waste into safe, drinkable water.

- Talk about flushing good money after bad! 

- He got the idea from looking at a glass of Moutain Dew. 

- If it works, I predict Gates product will be the #1 bottled water on the market!

Now It's Even Easier To Share Embarrassing Photos Of Yourself!

Facebook just bought the photo-sharing app “Instagram” for $9 Billion!!! It’s supposed to make it even easier for Facebook users to post pictures on their pages. 

- Great! Now it will be even easier for teenagers to post drunken photos of themselves that future employers will look at and then refuse to give them a job! 

- If you use it to post naked pictures of yourself, the program will be called “Sin-stagram”. 

- The guys at Instagram said, “Want to sell your company for an astounding $9 Billion? There’s a Sapp for that!” 

"As A Special Treat... You Get To Spend The Night In Grandpa's Bunker!"

A French plumber has come forward  claiming that he is the grandson of none other than Adolf Hitler.  

- That explains the “World’s Most Ruthless Grandpa” coffee cup U.S. soldiers found in the bunker! 

- If this is true, it means Hitler didn’t just invade France… He invaded a French woman.

- Imagine how proud Hitler was when he watched his grandson take his first goosestep! 

ABC To Launch Bitchin' New Show!!!

The new TV show “Don’t Trust The B—— in Apartment 23” premieres tomorrow night on ABC. 

- If the show is successful, ABC  is thinking of changing the name of “ABC World News With Diane Sawyer” to “You Can Trust The Blond B—— on ABC News”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1970, Jim Morrison politely asked audience members attending his concert with”The Doors” if they’d like to see his private parts. 

- The very next day he released the single “Touch Me Baby”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

P.S. Don’t forget to listen to our latest Podcast (#37)! It’s available for your listening pleasure on the DickPurtan.com homepage!

The Tiger's Roar Into 2012 Season!

Congrats to the Tigers for sweeping their series against the Red Sox! 

Sick Daze?

A new study claims that people with higher IQ’s take less sick days than people with a lower Intelligence Quotient. 

- Which explains why members of Congress miss so many votes! 

- It’s hard to believe, but this means all those guys at Cedar Point wearing the “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts are workaholics! 

- Maybe it’s because smart people realize you need to actually go to work to get paid. 

Her Boyfriend Always Said She "Was A Handful"...

A Muncie, Indiana, woman was arrested for allegely grabbing her boyfriends, uh… nether regions… and severly tearing it during an altercation. The injury was so severe that he was sent him to the nearest hospital - Ball Memorial. 

- You supply the punchline on this one! 

- It took a pair of surgeons to repair the damage. 

New "Nap Room" Leaves New Yorkers Drooling...

An upscale mattress store in New York City’s Soho neighborhood has created a “nap room” where anyone is welcome to come in off the street and take a “test nap”, with no requirement to actually purchase a mattress. 

- I thought New York was “The City That Never Sleeps”…

- It’s just like a New York hotel… except the Mattress store actually changes the sheets now and again.   

RIP... Mike Wallace

“60 Minutes” interviewer Mike Wallace died over the weekend at age 93. 

- Of course at “60 Minutes” that’s considered a “totally unexpected, premature death”. 

- He was met at the Pearly Gates by Andy Rooney who spent five minutes complaining about Heaven. 

If You Can't Annoy Your Fake Friends On Facebook... Who Can You Annoy?

A proposed law in Arizona would criminalize “annoying or offensive” comments on the internet. 

- The news has internet users all a-Twitter! 

- Those convicted more than once will be known as re-Tweet offenders. 

- Well, there go my plans for the new site, “In Your Face-Book”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 2005, England’s Prince Charles married his long-time love Camilla Parker Bowles. 

- The event was a real “Dog and Pony Show”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #37: Dick's Back!

Today I reveal where I’ve been the last few weeks, what I’ve been doing, and how I learned the “definitive scientific” explanation as to why some women give birth to either all girls or all boys. Plus… Jackie tells the story of how a nurse she knows told her how incredibly hard life is for her, because she’s just sooooooooooo gosh darn beautiful! (The other woman, not Jackie!) And I’ll explain why you won’t be seeing the big, bearded”Tax Master Man” guy on TV anymore! 

Purtan Podcast #37  (19:23)