Rick Perry was known for making blunders during his run for the Presidency. Now a new book claims that Perry took painkillers just to get through the GOP debates.
- Perry insisits that he only took three weak, over-the-counter meds… Advil, Tylenol and, um, well… oops.
- I think the painkillers should be handed out to everyone who has to watch the debates - and they should be paid for by the government!
- Mitt Romney was also on painkillers… his were called “Newts”.
A new study found that most people in America are happiest at age… wait for it… 33.
- Interestingly, most of those surveyed were unemployed guys living in their parents basement who were actually 33 at the time of the survey.
- Researchers were surprised when they got the answer “33” from people who were 25. But that’s what you get when you survey members of “The Optomist’s Club”.
Police in Des Moines, Iowa, arrested a man for relieving himself on the office chairs of four female co-workers at the Farm Bureau.
- He is now #1 on Des Moines “Most Wanted” criminal list.
- His boss sent him a letter that started out “Urine trouble!”
- When asked how he felt after his arrest, the man said, “relieved”.
It’s official… Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels have signed on to do a sequel to their old hit movie “Dumb and Dumber”. It’s due to start filming this fall.
- Instead of calling it “Dumb and Dumber - The Sequel”, producers have decided to just name it “Congress”.
- This is what is known as the “Dumb and Dumbing Down Of America”.
- There are certain movies that stand alone and shouldn’t be messed with, like “Gone With The Wind”, “Casablanca”, “Dumb and Dumber”…
Apparently the economy is so bad, even James Bond is cutting back. According to insiders, the next 007 film, “Skyfall” will feature a James Bond who drinks beer, NOT martinis.
- Bond fans everywhere were shaken - but not stirred - by the news.
- The really tricky part is going to be building all those super-secret, high-tech gadgets into a ‘79 Chevy pick-up.
- So basically, for the first time, James Bond will actually have “Six-Pack Abs”.
- The “Bond Girl” will still have big boobs so who really cares what he drinks?
Amid growning international tensions, Iran has just ordered it’s scientists to speed up their work on nuclear devices.
- But don’t worry… they’re NOT weapons, they’re just going to be used to power up Burka-making factories.
- The scientists better comply… you don’t want to see Ahmadinejad in a bad Mah-mood!
On this day in 1581, Sir Francis Drake completed his circumnaivigation of the earth.
- And the ship’s doctor completed his circumcision of Sir Francis Drake.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
P.S. Don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#36). It’s called “The Purtan Girls Gone Wild - The Sequel”. You can find it on the DickPurtan.com homepage.
Mitt Romney’s wife Anne was recently asked about her husbands Mitt’s reputation for being “too stiff”. Her reply? “Well I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out”.
- And to think Hillary Clinton spent eight years trying to get Bill to stay zipped up!
- They’ve got five sons so we do know he’s capable of unzipping.
- I don’t know about “unzipped”… but Newt Gingrich’s plan to colonoize the moon make me think he’s a bit “unglued”.
Michelle Obama got “slimed” over the weekend at Nickelodeon’s annual “Kids Choice Award”. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a tradition for the TV channel, and involves pouring a huge amount of green goop on the intended victim.
- Barack Obama immediately appointed a “Slime Czar” to see if the goop can be turned into an alternative “green” biofuel.
- In Chicago, the slime is affectionately called, “Blago”.
- Mrs. Obama wasn’t too thrilled about the green goop until producers assured her it contained three full servings of brocolli.
The Federal Reserve Bank announced that Americans over age 60 currently owe more than $36 billion in unpaid student loans.
- Not suprisingly, none of them did very well in the “Economics” class they took, back when they were taking out the loans.
- Will they pay them back? At their age, I’d say that really Depends.
A woman in Florida is charged with offering to have sex with a man who turned out to be an undercover cop in exchange for two double cheeseburgers off the McDonald’s Dollar menu.
- She should have gone to Burger King where they don’t get mad if you ask to “hold the pickle”.
- If he threw in an order of fries, she promised to “Super Size” him.
- She basically just wanted a “Happy Meal”… but without the toy.
- Her lawyer claims exchanging sex for cheeseburgers was on her “Bucket List”… but prosecutors argued, if that was the case, she should have gone to KFC.
The 3D version of the movie “Titanic” comes out this week - 100 years after the real Titanic hit an iceberg, and 15 years after the regular version of the film was released. Meanwhile, Kate Winslet said that now she’s a lot thinner and Leo DiCaprio a lot heavier.
- Let’s be honest, after the nude-sketch scene most men forgot that DiCaprio was even in the movie.
- So when it comes to the Titanic, it looks like more than Celine Dion’s heart will go on!
In a recent interview, Elton John admitted that he could have ended up like Whitney Houston.
- Of course every Saturday night he DRESSES like Whitney Houston…
- Plus, I don’t ever remember Whitney Houston dressing up in a giant Duck suit.
- I think he’s more like Lady Gaga. Between his duck costume and her meat dress, they’re kind of like the “Surf & Turf” of pop music.
On this day in 1783, the first Circus was organized.
- Up until then, it was just a bunch of guys clowning around.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
A court in Pakistan has sentenced three of Osama Bin Laden’s widows and two of his daughters to 45 days in prison after convicting them of illegally entering the country. The women have been in custody since March 3rd and will be given credit for “time served” - meaning they’ll be out of the slammer in two weeks.
- The wives say they miss Osama… but admit it’s nice not having to pick up his dirty socks and turbans off the floor all the time.
- His “favorite” wife is so desparate to visit Osama’s grave, she’s hired “Titanic” director James Cameron to take her down to the bottom of the Atlantic in his special submarine.
- If Cameron is unavailable, she’ll go to “Plan B” and hire a well known Italian ship captain… although I understand he’s unavailable right now.
Taylor Swift won her second consecutive “Entertainer of the Year” Award last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards, but she looked a bit uncomfortable when host Reba McIntyre joked about Swifts rumored date with now NY Giant’s QB Tim Tebow. 
When the host quipped “Now we know what Tim was praying for”, Taylor just sat there looking baffled.
- That’s because Kanye West jumped up on stage, grabbed the mic and said, “I’m gonna let you finish, but Tim Tebow was praying for a date with Beyonce who had one of the greatest videos of all time!”
Disgraced former Senator and Presidential nominee John Edwards is in big trouble with his baby mama Rielle Hunter. She’s reported infuriated about rumors that Edwards spent an evening with a high priced call girl back in 2007 - during the same time Rielle was carrying the love child he conceived while cheating on his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth.
- Can you blame her? I mean he SWORE he wouldn’t cheat on his wife with anyone but her!
- To get back at him, Rielle did the ultimate no-no: She messed up his hair.
Speaking of hair… As an April Fools Day prank, Mitt Romney’s staff sent him into a campaign stop where the room was completely empty.
- It was actually the site of a rally for Newt Gingrich.
Kansas “Liquidated” Ohio State on Saturday paving the way for their appearance in the NCAA Basketball Championship game against Kentucky tonight.
- At the request of rioting Kentucky fans, rappers “Salt ‘n Pepa Spray” will sing the National Anthem before the tip-off.
On this day in 1513, explorer Ponce de Leon landed in Florida.
- He spent years looking for the “Fountain of Youth” when all he had to do was turn on the TV and watch a commercial for the “Lifestyle Lift”!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick