Charlie Sheen’s character of Charlie Harper is returning to “Two And A Half Men,” but Sheen isn’t. CBS revealed that on the April 30th episode, Alan Harper, played by Jon Cryer, suffers a heart attack and is visited by Charlie’s ghost in the hospital. Who will play the ghost? Actress Kathy Bates.
- Ironically, it was the topless scene of Kathy in that Jack Nicholson movie that brought on the heart attack in the first place.
- Charlie has officially changed his trademark slogan to “Losing!”
On this day in 1980, J.R. Ewing was shot on the TV show “Dallas”.
- And to this day, there are still people who believe there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Happy first day of Spring… or as i like to call it “Black Socks and Sandals Season”!
Before you head outside to enjoy this incredible weather, there are just a few things in the news that caught my eye. I’ll keep it brief - as I’ve already got the “Slip ‘n Slide” out on the front lawn and want to set up my lemonade stand before lunch!
Enjoy!
-Dick
Ashton Kutcher has become the latest celebrity to agree to pay $200,000 to go into space on Richard Branson’s upcoming Virgin Galactic service. Brad Pitt has already signed on. Kutcher will be the company’s 500th customer.
- Demi Moore says she’ll throw in another $200,000 if Branson promises that Ashton’s ticket is one-way and not round trip.
- It figures that Virgin would be the airline to take a bunch of guys where “no man has gone before”.
A survey of women by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University found that about 5% of women they interviewed had experienced the big “O” while exercising at the gym. 
And of those, 40% said it had happened on eleven or more occassions. They are called “core-gasms” because they seem to be related to exercises for core abs, including multiple crunches. But some women had them during weight lifting, yoga, aerobics, and while climbing a pole or rope.
- No wonder Suzanne Somers always looked so happy in those TV commercials for the Thighmaster!
- You can tell which women are affected: They’re the ones outside the gym having a smoke with their protein smoothie.
McDonald’s is lovin’ it… According to a new report the company is still the biggest US burger chain with $34.2 billion is sales last year alone. But Wendy’s knocked Burger King out of second place by taking in $8.5 billion. Wendy’s execs attribute the success to an improved menu including a salad bar and specialty burgers like Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy.
- Burger King’s biggest problem is that no guy in his right mind is going to order a “Whopper Jr.”
- The “salad bar”… that’s that thing with green stuff you pass on your way back to the table carrying your Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy, right?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is wading into one of the 20th century’s most enduring mysteries: 
What happened to Amelia Earhart, who went missing over the South Pacific 75 years ago while trying to become the first woman to fly around the world. Clinton will meet today with historians who believe they may have found what could be wreckage from Earhart’s plane on a remote island.
- If they want the woman to be found they should send Bill Clinton, not Hillary!
- I don’t think they’re ever gonna find her. Rescuers couldn’t even find Gilligan - and he was with a professor who could make a radio out of a coconut!
On this day in 1413, England’s King Henry IV died: be was succeeded by Henry V.
- I’ll bet nobody saw that one coming.
Enjoy the day and I’ll see you right back here on Wednesday!
-Dick
Friday at an Obama fundraiser in Atlanta, singer Cee Lo Green flipped off the crowd, asked, “Can I cuss in here?,” then began singing the uncensored version of “Forget You”. (If you’re not familiar with the song, think of “Forget” as a four-letter word beginning with “F”). 
Since Obama had just made a public display of demanding civility toward women and not using words like “slut” someone finally signaled to Green not to do that in front of the President.
- Unfortunately, he used an obscene gesture to get the message across.
- Ironically, “slut” was the only four letter word Cee Lo didn’t use in front of Obama.
Police in Jefferson County, Colorado, arrested Donald Allan Citron on 18 charges related to stealing thousands of dollars worlth of toilet pipes and parts from public restrooms and reselling them for pennies on the dollar to scrap dealers. Ironically, Citron is a plumber and his crimes have earned him the nickname: “The Crapper Scrapper”.
- Police have also dubbed him “Public Enemy #1… and sometimes #2”.
- Copper piping is worth a ton! If he steels enough, he’ll be flush!
The New Jersey office of Homeland Security has created a training video that tells TSA agents not to use race or religion to profile terrorists. Intstead they should look for people who have a cold stare or wide “flashbulb eyes”. Other “terrorists tip-offs” include people who repeatedly touch their face or ears, fidget, pace, tremble, yawn, stare at clocks, gets goose bumps or sweat.
- Michael Moore was immediately put on the no-fly list just for the “sweating” part.
- Is it just me, or do all those “tip-offs” sound like things regular people do because their terrified they might end up on plane with a terrorist?
- The video also pointed out that if a person approaching the gate has really glassy eyes… he’s probably the pilot who’s had a few.
Friday, after 5 months of tinkering, Oprah Winfrey pulled the plug on Rosie O’Donnell’s heavily-hyped talk show. 
One insider described the backstage scene as a “BLEEPING hellhole,” with a frustrated Rosie screaming and berating staffers. And that was before it got cancelled.
- Remember the good old days when Rosie pretended she was nice, straight, and had a huge crush on Tom Cruise?
- Give it a few months and Oprah will book an exclusive, tearful reunion special with Rosie where she’ll apologize for cancelling the show. The ratings will go thru the roof!
On this day in 1918, Congress approved Daylight Saving Time.
- It gave them a whole extra hour of light to accomplish absolutely nothing.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday!
-Dick
It’s Friday and that can mean only one thing: Time for a brand spanking new Podcast! Today, my good friend and self-described “Observer AND Eccentric”, comedy writer Tom DeLisle, sits down with Jackie and me, to discuss the state of the entertainment world. From our obsession with recipe-reaction on Facebook to TV shows and movies with more “bang for your buck” than plot, we offer our observations on what has become an increasingly in-your-face life experience. We don’t go so far as to yell, “Hey you kids… get offa my lawn” but we do take a look at the “good old days” when things moved slower than the speed of light. So make a cup of coffee (decaf, please) and join us as we rewind in attempt to help us all unwind.
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Purtan Podcast #34 (31:07)
Today, former Illinois Guv Rod Blagojevich begins serving his 14-year prison term for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat. Yesterday, he held a “Goodbye” press conference during which he still insists that he did nothing wrong and will be cleared on appeal. He called the looming prison term a “dark and hard journey,” but said he drew strength from his belief that while in office he “helped real, ordinary people.”
- He added that he’s sure the guys in prison will be “really BLEEPING understanding of this BLEEPING travesty of justice.”
- Blago says he’s not afraid of the occassional strip search but begged prison officials not to touch his hair.
- Too bad he’s not going to prison in Texas . They have an empty seat to be filled there called “Old Sparky”.
Newt Gingrich is taking swings at President Obama’s energy policies saying, “He believes in a Fantasy Land where companies like Solyndra are somehow magically going to solve things. His answer is algae. You know, drilling doesn’t work, but algae does?” The White House fired back that mocking renewable fuels is a modern version of the Flat Earth Society.
- Newt usually likes Fantasy Land - but in his Fantasy, he and his wife have “an open marriage”.
- The Flat Earth Society… isn’t that what most girls belong to before they hit puberty?
- You gotta admit, if you’re looking to “Go Green” there isn’t anything much greener than algae!
UPDATE: Officials in Trenton, New Jersey, have averted disaster by ending a long-running contract dispute and passing a $16,000 emergency requisition bill to buy toilet paper for City Hall.
- I guess they decided it was time to put their differences… and the toilet paper… behind them.
- They all went out and celebrated by getting two-ply sheets to the wind.
The Gettysburg Museum in Pennsylvania has yanked bobbleheads of John Wilkes Booth from it’s gift shop after just one week. While visitors complained that they were “tasteless”, the creator of the dolls said they weren’t designed to glorify Booth or make light of Lincoln’s assassination. He added that it’s hard to get young people interested in history and by making an interactive figure, it becomes more accesible to them.
- The designer added, “You should see the Lee Harvey Oswald doll I made for the museum in Dallas! It even comes with a mini-grassy knoll!”
Lindsay Lohan claims that an accusation that she scraped a man’s knee with her Porsche as she was trying to leave a club surrounded by paparazzi is a “complete lie”.
- Lindsay claims she’s an excellent driver and is really good at staying between the lines… uh… that’s doing lines.
- Besides… what are the chances that anyone actually has a picture of the incident?
Today is the Ides of March. On this day in 44 B.C., Roman Emperor Juius Caesar was stabbed to death by senators.
- Thus putting an end to his “Caesar Salad” days.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast!
-Dick