Romney Asks: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-WHY?

Rick Santorum proved pundits - and even himself - wrong yesterday by winning both the Alabama and Mississippi primaries. Newt Gingrich came in second and Mitt Romney took 3rd place. Romney was, however, the big winner in Hawaii. 

- Now if Mitt can just win the Kenyan Primary, he’ll be the leading Republican in both of President Obama’s home states! 

- Despite not winning the two Southern States, Newt Gingrich says his decision to stay in the race remains “unmovable”… just like his wife’s hair in the middle of a tornado. 

Joe Biden: Mr Potato Head?

Vice Prez Joe Biden appeared at a Democratic fundraising dinner at the home of the Senate’s richest member, John Kerry, on Monday. During the $10,000-a-plate dinner of grass-fed steak and white truffle mashed potatoes, he told donors that the Republicans are out of touch with the common man. Biden added, “These guys don’t have a sense of the average folks out there. They don’t know what it means to be middle class.” 

- In his defense, he didn’t say he knew what it meant either. 

- Biden said he feels sorry for average folk who are forced to put thousand-dollar white truffles in BOXED mashed potatoes! 

Clint Eastwood Takes Aim At Kim Kardashian...

Are the Kardashians feeling lucky? I doubt it. As ratings for their reality show, “Keeping up with the Kardashians” continue to drop, E! entertainment has given the greenlight to a new reality show following the family of… wait for it… CLINT EASTWOOD! That’s right, execs say “Mrs. Eastwood & Co.” will follow Dirty Harry, his wife Dina and their kids as they “live their life”. 

- Which would you rather watch?  Kim’s butt… or the butt of Clint’s Magnum? 

- Network execs originally shot down the idea, but they eventually ran out of bullets. 

- In a related story: Look for another new reality show, “Keeping Up With The Kilpatricks”“, coming next fall. It’ll be a never ending series! 

Doctor's Shorten Man To Lengthen His Life!

The University of Virginia Medical Center successfully teated a pituitary tumor that made 8-foot 3-inch Sultan Kosen of Turkey the Guinness Record holder as “World’s Tallest Man”. They say it will stop him from growing any taller, which could have been life-threatening. 

- Tom Cruise immediatey purchased the gland and is having it surgically implanted.

- There’s more to it, but I wanted to make a long story short. 

- Doctors say Kosen is a good man, but tends to look down on people.  

New Jersey: We're Wiped Out!

City Hall and other government buildings in Trenton, New Jersey, are in crisis: The city is down to just half a box of toilet paper. Officials say they can’t order more ‘til they agree on a new contract with the supplier. Things are allegedly being held up by a long running dispute between the mayor and the city council. 

- So basically, the toilet paper talks have “stalled”. 

- Other than that, things in Trenton have really been on a roll! 

- One councilman held up a vote by holding a Bladderbuster, uh, I mean, a Filibuster.  

- Men in Trenton say they won’t stand for this… and women there say they won’t sit for it either! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1972, California Gov. Ronald Reagan greated a pardon to Merle Haggard for his burlary sentence at San Quentin, calling him “fully rehabilitated”.  

- Reagan’s exact words were: “Everything is Okey Dokey with the Okie From Muskogee.” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

Criminals Give New Meaning To "Laundering Money"!

The New York Post reports that there’s a nationwide crime wave of Tide detergent thefts. It’s so bad that police departments are forming a “Tide Task Force” and stores like CVS are starting to lock it up. Some drug dealers even trade it for drugs. In Maryland, where Tide is known as “Liquid Gold”, an undercover cop tried to buy some cocaine, and the dealer said, “I don’t have drugs, but I can sell you 15 bottles of Tide”. 

- And so far everyone of these criminals has made a really clean getaway. 

- Cops vow to get these theives with the “Long Arm & Hammer of The Law”. 

- Police say even so called “soft stuff” can lead to an addiction to Tide. So tell your kids to stay away from Downey! 

Music Fans Gaga Over Swift...

Monday, Billboard realeased it’s list of musics’ top moneymakers. At #1 was Taylor Swift who made $37.5 million in 2011 because of record sales, touring and the fact that she writes her own songs and gets all the royalties. She was followed by U2, Kenny Chesney and Lady Gaga. 

- Lady Gaga may have come in 4th but that’s still plenty of money to have her meat dresses made out of Filet Mignon. 

- So basically Kenny Chesney has made millions singing about how awful it is to be a broke, down-on-your luck guy from the sticks. 

Snooki: Too Much Of A Cash Cow?

A Fitness Magazine/Yahoo Finance survey named Snooki, who gets $100,000 per episode for “Jersey Shore”, as the most overpaid celebrity. 64% of respondents said she’s making too much cash. 

-I’m pretty sure she could get a job making minimum wage and she’d still be way overpaid! 

"It Takes A Village Idiot..."

Kim Kardashian is upset with “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm who told Elle magazine, “Whether it’s Kim Karsashian or Paris Hilton… stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a (BLEEPING) idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you are rewarded significantly.” Kim Twittered her reply: “Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.” 

- She forgot to mention that fact that she works really hard at being a great wife… no wait a second… 

- Paris Hilton said “Jon Hamm? He’s HOT!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1781, Sir William Herscel discovered Uranus. 

- At first he claimed it was part of a new galaxy, but scientists found cracks in his theory. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!

-Dick  

End-Of-World Predictor Admits He Was Wrong 5 Months After World Doesn't End...

Harold Camping, the California preacher who first predicted the end of the world would occur last May, then changed his prediction to last October has admitted he was wrong. He said in a post of his website that he has no evidence that the Apocolypse will occur anytime soon and has no interest in making more predictions. BTW… thousands of “believers” sold everything they had in anticipation of the end of the world. 

- He was was wrong about the end of the world, but right when he said the GOP race would go on forever.  

- The world may not have ended, but I’m pretty sure his ministry is about to. 

- In his defense Camping did predict that Kim Kardashian’s marriage would only last 72 days.  

Eye Of Newt: Rick Perry For V.P.?

Rumor has it that New Gingrich is eyeing former GOP candidate Rick Perry as his Vice-Presidential running mate. 

- Rick said he was thrilled by the nod for three important reasons, but can only remember two of them. 

Show(er) Me The Money!!!

When the Occupy Wall Street protests began hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations flowed in, but after proving themselves to be messy and smelly, the influx of cash dwindled. The groups accountants now warn that given the limited amount of money on hand, the group will be broke in three weeks. 

- But they’re going with Harold Campings’ prediction that they’ve got enough money for four weeks. 

- So basically in three weeks, they’ll be in the bottom 1% of the 99%. 

- People stopped showering them with donations after they realized the protesters had no intention taking a shower. 

Men Keep Fingers Crossed That Women Won't Keep Legs Crossed!

The question of insurance coverage for contraception is getting crazier by the day. Now a feminist group called “Liberal Ladies Who Lunch” has launched a website, SexStrike.org, urging women to refuse to have sex for a week - from April 28 to May 5, until Congress and insurance companies agree to pay for their conconceptives. It declares that “until then, men will have to be content with their left hand.”

- That way they can still use their right hand to dial up the pharmacy and order a refill of their insurance-covered Viagra. 

- What do they expect all the right-handed guys to do? 

- A survey showed most men weren’t threatened by the move saying, “we’re holding our own”. 

You Know What They Say About Real Estate, It's "Penicillin! Penicillin! Penicillin!"

A 4,100 sq. ft. New York townhouse that was featured on early episodes of “Sex & The City” is up for sale for $9.65 million.

- With what went on there… they’d better fumigate the place before they put up the “For Sale” sign!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1951, Hank Ketcham’s comic strip “Dennis The Menace” debuted, making Dennis 61 years  old today.  

- He’s 61, no job, and lives with his parents… Yep, he’s a typical Babyboomer!

Congrats to MSU for winning the Big Ten Basketball Title, and to both M and MSU for getting to the NCAA Big Dance!

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick  

Purtan Podcast #33: A Stroll (and Twist!) Down Musical Memory Lane That will Make A "Daydream Believer" Out Of You!

It’s the weekend and that means it’s time for a fresh, hot-off-the-presses Podcast! 

Today, Jackie and I are joined once again by my good friend and “semi-Hollywood-insider” Tom DeLisle for some riveting (?) behind-the-scenes showbiz stories.  This time we focus on the world of music and begin by answering the burning question we left you with last week! (No spoiler here… you’ll have to listen!)

Then we verbally dance from topic to topic including my days doing “record hops”, how Tom’s dreams of becoming a famous recording star were quashed by none other than Stevie Nicks, why one record producer told John Denver his music would never fly (oops… bad choice of words), and the true story of how “Daydream Believer” fell into the paws, uh, hands of “The Monkees”. So put on your dancin’ shoes and join us for a spin around the floor. 

Purtan Podcast #33  (40:22)

Have a great day… and a great weekend! 

-Dick 

The Most Confusing Day Of The Year For Chaz Bono...

It’s “International Women’s Day”…

- Or as Bill Clinton calls it, “Thursday”. 

Michigan Woman's Got A Lotto Nerve!

24-year-old Amanda Clayton of Lincoln Park here in Michigan is under fire after it was reported that she is still collecting $200 a month in food stamps despite having won $1 million in the state lottery. She says she thinks it’s okay to stay on the welfare rolls sinces she’s still unemployed. She said, “I mean, I have no income, and I have bills to pay. I have two houses… I’m still struggling.”

- So she’s part of the 1%, who believes she’s part of the 99% and is apparently 100% clueless. 

- With the price of gas… she says it costs her a fortune everytime she drives her Jag to her new condo up north! 

- She needs to hit the lottery! Oh wait… she already did that. 

- She issued her statement via her new advanced copy of her $500 Apple iPad 3.