An intense Solar Flare near the center of the sun is threatening to send increased amounts of radiation directly at the earth and may actually disrupt GPS tracking devices and electrical service in the next several days.
- Al Gore immediately called for an end to “Solar Warming”!
- The only bright spot in this whole story is that the flare is a really bright spot.
Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper isn’t going to win any prizes for speech making. He recently introduced the Lt. Gov. to a group of elementary students as a “rising sex star.” Then, when he was introducing the mayor of Denver, whose wife is a professional singer, he said, “We read about how President Obama sings to Michelle in the shower. So you can just imagine what the mayor gives his wife in the shower. Uh, I mean what she gives him in the shower.” 
Hickenlooper’s wife said he means well, but “he’s a dork sometimes.”
- He makes Joe Biden sound like William Shakespeare.
- I believe what a man does with his Hickenlooper in the shower is his own business.
Sunday morning outside the Mercer Hotel in New York, tabloid reporters swarmed around a blond woman in a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses because they thought she was 25-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Turns out it was actually Blondie singer Debbie Harry, who is 66.
- How could they make such a mistake? Lindsay looks way older than 66!
- So apprently 66 is the new 25. Or is it the other way around?
- Apparently they thought the Metamucil Debbie was stirring into her mimosa was cocaine.
Jessica Simpson revealed that she’s having a baby girl and has cravings for anything full of sugar. She revealed a lot more by posing naked and heavily prenant on the cover of Elle magazine, a la Demi Moore.
- No offense, but she’s starting to look more like Homer Simpson than Jessica Simpson. 
On this day in 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled religious education in public schools to be unconstitutional.
- That may have been the new rule, but it didn’t stop me from praying before every math test!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand-spankin’ new Podcast!
-Dick
It wasn’t a completely Super Tuesday for Mitt Romney. Yesterday, he won six of the 10 states that held primaries or caucuses. Rick Santorum took 3 and Newt Gingrich won his home state of Georgia.
- Newt says that puts him on the fast-track to the presidency… as long as Georgia secedes and forms it’s own country.
- Couldn’t we save a whole lot of time and money by just have Mitt and Rick play a televised match of Rock-Paper-Scissors?
A 19-year-old Oxford University student and former model has come under fire for the campaign slogan she’s using in her bid to be elected “Oxford Union Librarian”. Madeline Grant’s banners read: “I don’t hack, I just have a great rack.” 
BTW… many readers of the British tabloids pointed out that she really doesn’t have much of a rack.
- Three brothers who work at the library, Huey, Louie And Dewey Decimal, disagreed.
- I think injecting humor into elections for Librarian are long overdue!
- Opponents inside the library held a very quiet protest.
A Harvard Medical School study confirmed what some men have long suspected: women like their man to get upset. Test subjects were asked to watch a video of a recent conversation they’d had with their partners that had been upsetting. Turns out women were actually happier when their partners got upset or angry because they interpreted their man’s show of emotion as proof that he was strongly invested in the relationship. Men, however, were not happy to learn that they’re wives were angry.
- They didn’t know they’re wives were angry because when they asked “What’s wrong?”, all the women said, “Nothing!”
- So guys… if you want to make your wife happy - make her mad!
Calvin Coolidge Wiggins who lives right here in Detroit was arrested for allegedly repeatedly entering a US Post Office sorting facility, claiming to be a postal inspector, and walking out with packages he believed contained marijuana. Wiggins admitted that he used to sneak pot thru the mail himself, so he knew what to look for.
- If convicted, he vows to take his case all the way “to the highest court in the land”.
- His lawyer says he plans on spending his time in prison “weeding” the yard.
- The packages weren’t that hard to identify… they were covered in orange Cheeto dust.
The three surviving members of “The Monkees” have told recently deceased Davy Jones’ family that they will not be attending his funeral because it might turn it into a “media circus”.
- That… and they all missed the last train to Clarksville where the funeral is being held.
On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone.
- The next day he got a call from a telemarketer asking if he wanted to re-finance his mortgage.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
“Super Tuesday” has finally arrived, the day when Republicans hold primaries and caucuses in 10 states. Mitt Romney is leading in most national polls, but yesterday, 
Fox News asked his wife Ann about claims that Mitt comes across as a rich guy who’s out of touch with average Americans since he’s worth about $250 million. She said she doesn’t consider herself “wealthy” since money can be “here today and gone tomorrow”.
- Especially if “tomorrow” happens to be April 15th.
- Maybe Mitt just keeps Ann on a really tight household budget.
First a councilwoman in Delaware protested men making laws over women’s reproductive health by getting a resolution passed that granted personhood to sperm. Now, Stacy Newman, a Democratic female House member in Missouri, has proposed a bill that would allow vasectomies only when necessary to protect a man from serious injury or death.
- I think she’s really swimming upstream on this one.
- Male members of the House are trying to snip, uh, nip this thing in the bud.
- The only serious injury I can see a guy getting from NOT getting a vasectomy is when his wife finds out she’s pregnant… again.
Officials in Kazakhstan were shocked when everyone stood at attention for the playing of the Kazakh national anthem at the open ceremony of the Healthy Ski Tracks 2012 ski festival, and Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca” started playing. After a few seconds, it stopped and was replaced by the actual Kazakh national anthem.
- Which is also a snappy tune but not nearly as easy to dance to.
This story brings to mind a scene from the movie Borat, where he is visiting this country and is invited to a rodeo. While there, he decides to sing his country’s (Kazakstan) national anthem…
Valentine’s Day might be the day for love, but people get more sex on Christmas. A study of CDC birth records found that more babies are conceived in December than in February. No one is sure why, but experts speculate that over Christmas, couples have more time-off to spend together. Plus, Christmas tends to make people think about kids. The eggnog and mistletoe may play a part as well.
- So apparently those “Ten Lords” aren’t the only guys “leaping” during the holidays.
- They should have just asked Santa… He keeps a list of everyone who’s been naughty.
- And sex makes makes the perfect gift… As they say, good things come in small packages!
The host of “The Bachelor” revealed that execs have asked Tim Tebow to be the show’s next bachelor, but knowing his strong belief in Jesus and his tendency to keep his romantic life private, producers expect him to decline.
- I don’t know… maybe he’ll decide with a coin toss.
- If they want to see a lot of “Illegal Use Of Hands” they should go for an NBA player.
On this day in 1836, 3,000 Mexicans under command of General Santa Anna overran the vastly outnumbered Texans defending the Alamo.
- The guys over at Avis and Hertz fared much better.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Vladimir Putin has been re-elected President of Russia receiving, according to him, 63% of the vote despite facing four challengers. Huge protests have sprung up around the country amid reports of widespread voter fraud. But the former head of the KGB-turned Prez Putin said, “I promised we would win… and we did!”
- And to the protestors he said, “I promise if you keep demonstrating I’ll kill you… and I will!”
- In order to gain support, he’s promised to release a CD listing all of his accomplishments called, “The Best of Putin and Putin’s People”.
- President Obama immediately appointed an “Election Czar” to investigate.
A Hawaiian mom says TSA agents at the Lihue Airport refused to believe that her breast pump was real, because the bottles she packed for the plane were empty. She claims they made her go into the women’s bathroom, stand in front of the sinks and mirrors in full view, and fill up the bottles. The TSA apologized for “any inconvenience or embarrrassment this incident may have caused her”.
- Hey… at least they didn’t make her do it the men’s bathroom!
- The TSA Agents will now be wearing t-shirts reading: “Got Milk? Prove it.”
- The woman’s husband, who identified her only as “Elsie”, said she’s always been a “glass is half full kind of girl.”
- Let’s face it… with what they get paid, TSA Agents aren’t exactly the cream of the crop.
Last week, fire officials in Florida were called by a man who’d been working on top of his house and got stuck there when he accidentally nail-gunned his hand to the roof. Rescuers didn’t want to risk pulling out the nail, so they used his hand held power saw to cut around it and took him to the hospital with a piece of the roof still nailed to his hand.
- He gives new meaning to a “do-it-yourselfer.”
- Home Depot has changed their slogan to: “Apparently You Can’t Do It… We Can Help”.
- Hey… at least he was smart enough not to use the power saw to cut his hand off.
- And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I always let my wife do our home repairs.