On this day in 1964, the U.S. Surgeon General announced that smoking may be hazardous to your health.
- No ifs, ands or Butts!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
The famously reliable North Korean state media are working overtime to provide “accurate” coverage of the transfer of power to 26-year-old Kim Jong-Un. 
So far, they’ve informed people that Un could drive at age 3 and drive with laser-like precision at 85 mph by age 8, and that he was so engrossed in studying military strategy at 16 that he only slept 3 hours a night and skipped meals. They say he is a “genius of geniuses” in military affairs, even though he has no military experience.
- Okay… they had me right up until the “skipped meals” part.
- Big whoop. All kids can drive at age three. It’s called a “Big Wheel”.
- He could actually drive a tank 85 mph at age 8. It had training wheels on it, but it was still a tank!
The death of Jong-Un’s father, Kim Jong Il, who reportedly shot 11 holes-in-one in his first golf game and never had to defecate in his whole life is still causing outpourings of grief. Believe it or not, a family of bears that would normally be hibernating now were spottted along a roadside, “crying woefully.”
- They added that Goldilocks was so distraught she couldn’t even attend the funeral!
- So the key to being #1 is never going #2!
- He never went to the bathroom his whole life? No wonder he was so meanspirited!
- Jung Il’s favorite song was “Brown Eyed Girl”.
- Unlike his father, Kim Jong-Un does “answer the call of nature” - so much so that some people call him, “Kim Jong-Dung”.
Primary Day in New Hampshire has finally arrived and in keeping with tradition, last night, the tiny town of Dixville Notch cast the first votes. Three Democratic ballots were cast for Obama, while among Republicans, Romney and Huntsman got two each; Gingrich and Paul got one apiece.
- Santorum and Perry supporters didn’t vote… they were sleeping off a night of drinking “Dixville Notch Scotch”!
- The people there are so old they all had hanging chads… and that was before they cast their ballots.
BTW… in New Hampshire it only costs $1000 to file as a candidate which makes it affordable for almost anyone to run. There are 44 names on the two partie’s presidential ballots including one GOP candidate who describes himself as a “natural, left-handed, peace-loving Pisces.” On the Democrat side, there’s a performance artist who goes by the name “Vermin Supreme” who promises to give everyone a free pony and covert America to a “Pony-based economy”.
- If everyone gets a pony, that means everyone gets a “shovel ready” job!
“Vermin Supreme” interrupted a Ron Paul appearance yesterday with a bullhorn and a rubber boot on his head and challenge Paul to settle the Presidential race with a round of “panty-wrestling”.
- Paul declined but Bill Clinton says he thinks it’s a great idea!
- “Vermin Supreme” sounds like something our friends Walter and Chlorine Figby used to serve at the “Roadkill Cafe”.
Sunday was the annual event known as No Pants Day, when train commuters are encourage to ride the rails in their underpants. Thanks to Facebook spreading the word, this year an estimated 16,000 riders went pantless on subways in Washington, Toronto, London, Mexico city, Madrid and over 50 other cities. Police stopped some participants, but an organizer insisted that the point was just to “have fun and entertain people”.
- A cartoon doucmentary about the event is in the works called, “Spongebob No Pants”.
- Anthony Weiner volunteered as “Official Cell-Phone Photographer”.
- There are so many germs on subway seats, most people don’t even like sitting on them with their pants on!
- “No Pants Day” was immediately followed by Chaz Bono’s “No Parts Day”!
The FDA has issued a recall of over-the-counter medications including Excedrin, Bufferin, No-Doz and Gas-X due to a factory mistake that might have mixed up the pills.
- So go ahead and eat that burrito! You might end up with gas, but at least you won’t have a headache!
- If only they’d mix in some Viagra, men could finally get it over-the-counter!
On this day in 1776, Thomas Paine published his influential pamphlet, “Common Sense”.
- Somebody should change the title to “Common Cents” and give a copy to each member of Congress!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Something amazing happened over the weekend in the NFL… unfortunately, it didn’t involve the Lions. The much-maligned Denver QB Tim Tebow threw about a 40 yard pass that turned into an 80 yard touchdown to give the Broncos a 29-23 win over the favored Pittsburg Steelers in the first eleven seconds of overtime. That’s the shortest overtime win in NFL history. Tebow and his diciples, uh, teammates… face Tom Brady and the New England Patriots next weekend.
As for the Lions… Congratulations on a much-improved season with the most potent passing combination in the NFL - Matthew Stafford to Calvin Johnson!
Not one but two Republican debates were held over the weekend in preparation for tomorrows GOP primary showdown in New Hampshire. During one of the debates, George Stephanopolous elicited boos from the crowd when he kept pressing Mitt Romney to say whether he thinks states have the constitutional right to ban contraceptives. Romney dismissed the question as “silly” and said he thought contraception was “working just fine”.
- We have family friends who are Mormon and they had 17 children, while Romney only has five. So I guess for him contraception is working just fine!
- Stephanopolous was fixated on the subject because he was Bill Clinton’s personal “Contraception Czar” for almost eight years. (And he did a bang up job!)
- So I guess Stephanopolous came up short as a moderator.
Singer Beyonce and her husband Rapper Jay-Z welcomed their first child over the weekend. Little “Blue Ivy Carter”. (It’s a girl, by the way).
The couple received tons of tweets from fellow celebs congratulating them, including one from Gwyneth Paltrow.
- She was thrilled they’ve gone with a “color scheme” for the kid’s name instead of the “fruit thing” she went with when she named her daughter “Apple”.
- They also got a tweet from Anthony Weiner… but it wasn’t a congratulations message, it was a picture of his own “pride and joy”.
But not everyone was happy about it. They reportedly paid $1 million to rent an entire floor at New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. Neil Coulon of Brooklyn claims their “thuggish, headset wearing security guards” turned the maternity ward into a private VIP nightclub and booted him and his relatives out. He says he was even blocked from the neonatal ICU where his own wife was giving birth to premature twin girls.
- The floor was so exclusive, little Blue Ivy only got in by hiding inside Beyonce’s uterus.
A Wisconsin man is in jail - charged with carrying a concealed kife, possession of drug paraphernalia and pot, and a probation violation. 33-year-old Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was arrested after residents complained about him. His previous name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, but he had it legally changed to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybob-Bop-Bop last October.
- Just in time for him to get in deep Doo-Doo with the cops!
- I’m pretty sure I saw Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty-Bop-Bop on the menu at a Thai restaurant recently.
- It kind of makes “Blue Ivy” sound like “Sally”.
- Now he’s thinking of shortening and simplifiying his name by changing it to just “Bob Bop-Bop”.
Parents in a small town in Georgia were outraged after students at an elementary school were given math questions based on slavery. For instance, “Each tree had 56 oranges. If 8 slaves pick them equally, then how many did each slave pick?” School officials apologized saying they were trying to incorporate history into math class.
- To show how sorry they were, the school promised not to fly the conferderate flag for a whole entire week!
On this day in 1913, in Yorba Linda, California, future President Richard Nixon was born.
- His father recorded the delivery… but amazingly there’s an unexplained 18 and 1/2 minute gap in the tape!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
T.G.I.T.F.F.O.T.N.Y! (Thank God It’s The First Friday Of The New Year!) And the burning question is… Are you going to call it “Two-Thousand Twelve” or “Twenty-Twelve”? Okay, maybe it’s not a burning question, but we do ponder it in this, our first Podcast of the New Year.
We also cover everything “under the Kim Jong Il’s Son - Un”! A pudgy 26-year-old dictator with his own nuclear arsenal… talk about a chick magnet! Speaking of “Pudgy”, my wife Gail joins us with info about a boxed brownie mix called “No Pudge” that lets you enjoy your just desserts without the fat! (Think of it as “Tastes Great. Less Fattening!”
Plus… the story of a man who shot himself in the testicles not once, but twice. Hey, some people like to start off the New Year with a bang!
To hear all about those stories… and a lot more… just click on the link below! It’s just that easy!
Purtan Podcast #24 (23:02)
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Yesterday, Michele Bachmann officially dropped out of the race for the GOP nomination after receiving just 5% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus. Meanwhile Rick Perry - who came in 5th place with 10% has decided to stay in the race though he trails Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich.
- He was going to drop out, but changed his mind after forgetting that he got so few votes.
Meanwhile, Obama advisor David Axelrod is working to create a new nickname for Mitt Romney: “The 25% Man”. That’s in reference to the fact that Romney has never gotten more than 25%, not only in the Iowa Caucus but in any major poll of GOP voters.
- New Gingrich is now organizing an “Occupy Romney” protest outside Mitt’s campaign headquarters, referring to himself and the other candidates as “The Other 24 Percent”.
John McCains endorsement of formal rival Mitt Romney yesterday was slightly overshadowed when Nevada’s legal brothel, the Bunny Ranch, endorsed Ron Paul. Owner Dennis Hof said the girls considered Newt Gingrich because they “like cheaters” but finally decided on Paul. During January, they’re even offering a special: two bunnies for the price of one if a client says, “I’m pimping for Paul”!
- Compared to Newt, the girls think even Ron Paul looks sexy.
- Don’t underestimate the importance of the “working girl” vote!
- This is the first time the Bunnies have endorsed a candidate since Bill Clinton ran in 1990.
The Kardashians are pitching a proposal to publishers for a Kardashian glossy magazine that would be filled with nothing but photos about the Kardashians.
- People Magazine and US Weekly immediately sued for copyright infringement.
- They were originally going for a “Readers Digest” size magazine, but realized they couldn’t fit pictures of their butts on the pages.
NOTE: To manufacture their line of clothing, the Kardashians are rumored to be running a sweat shop in Haiti, where the employees work 84 hours a week.
- Which is longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage!
The people of Mitterfirmiansreut, Germany have opened a small Catholic church built entirely of snow and ice. The snow church is part of a 100 year old tradition that started when authorities refused to let locals build a traditional house of worship. So they built one out of snow and ice instead. Thousands of visitors are expected to visit the mini-cathedral, nicknamed “God’s Igloo”, before it melts.
- This Sunday’s service will be delivered by a certain Reverend F. T. Snowman.
- It’s so cold in there, people in the confessional are allowed to begin by saying, “Forgive me father, for I have freezer burn on my knees.”
- In the Christmas Nativity Pageant, the three wise men brought Gold, Frankenscense and Brrrrr!
The world’s oldest twins, Ena Pugh and Lily Millward celebrated their 102nd birthday Wednesday. 
The two women, who were born before World War I, were presented with copies of the Guinness Book of World Records. They say they have spent every birthday together and still get together for weekly shopping trips and talk on the phone everyday.
- When they were teenagers they shared clothes. Now they share catheters!
- They weren’t identical twins… but they are now! They both admit they look kinda pruney.