"The Donald" Gets New Ducks In A Row...

Yesterday, Donald Trump announced the contestants for the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice”, and bloggers say there are a surprising number of actual celebs. Contestants will include Cheryl Tiegs, Debbie Gibson, “Star Trek’s” George Takai, Arsenio Hall, Dee Snider of “Twisted Sister”, Clay Aiken and Penn and Teller’s Penn Jillette. 

- This just in… Michele Bachmann has offered to join the cast! 

- Execs are worried Clay Aiken and George Takai will get into a “bee-ach slapping contest” during one of the challenges.

- If the Donald really wanted a “Twisted Sister” he should have picked any one of the Kardashian girls. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1925, in Wyoming, Nellie T. Ross became American’s first female governor by succeeding her dead husband. 

- Her first act was to pardon herself for murdering him after finding out he was sleeping with an intern. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our first Podcast of 2012! 

-Dick 

Michigan & Romney Get Some Sugar Last Night...

Sugar Bowl: Michigan wins by 3! Iowa Caucus: Romney wins by 8!

Rick Santorum comes in second and Ron Paul took third. 

- Herman Cain told reporters that if he’d stayed in the election he would have won by 9-9-9 votes!  

- Exit polls showed that caucus voters aren’t that enamored with Ron Paul’s policies, but they just love his wife’s fish sticks!  

Newt Gingrich came in 4th with 13% and Rick Perry took 5th with 10%. Perry told supporters he would head back to his home state of Texas to assess his future. 

- Which includes three things:  Whether or not to continue his campaign, how his family feels about it, and… um… um… oops! 

Michele Bachman came is sixth with just 5% of the vote and has suspended her campaign but insists that “there are many more chapters yet to be written.”

- And they’ll all be in the book she’ll soon be promoting about her failed run for the Presidency. 

Bad Jeans?

Melbourne University researcher Tullia Jack found 30 volunteers who agreed to wear the same pair of jeans 5 days a week for 3 months without washing them, as a challenge to our culture of “extreme clean”. She claims we don’t need to wash our clothes as often as you think and that “stains come and go”. After 3 months, she says half the subjects wanted to keep wearing the dirty jeans - which she claims “don’t stink… they smell like people”.  She’s going to put them on display so the public can sniff them for themselves. 

- Personally, I’ll just take her word for it!  

- Amazingly, everyone of the volunteers just happened to live in a fraternity house. 

- You don’t wanna know about her “Don’t Wash Your Socks” Study! 

- A similar study was conducted in Copenhagen leading to the expression, “There’s something rotten in Denmark”.  

NEWSFLASH: Spiderman Musical Sells Tickets Without Injury!

The much-mocked musical, “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark” got the last laugh when it sold $2.9 million worth of tickets last week, a new single-week Broadway sales record.  

- The tickets were all sold to people whose New Years Resolution was “to take more risks”. 

- Producers say they’ll use the money to build a triage clinic next to the concession stand to treat injured actors.  

Cops Throw Book At Little Girl To Get Books Back!

A little girl in Boston was scared to tears after a library ordered police officers to her home to collect two overdue books. Shannon Bennoit, the mother of 5-year-old Hailey answered the door to find a cop demanding that she either return the two books or pay for them.  Fearing she would be arrested, Hailey handed over the books. Even the police admitted they thought bringing them in on an overdue library situation was a little “over the top”. 

- To be fair, there is a three month wait-list for “Dora the Explorer Does Dallas”.

- When the cops said they were going to read Hailey her rights, she said, “Yippee!  I hope there are lots of pictures!” 

Once A Slut... Always A Slut?

A 99-year-old Italian man has served his 96-year-old wife of 77 years with divorce papers.  The man, identified only as “Antonio C” recently found some letters proving that his wife “Rosa” had an affair.  The strange part is, she had the affair in the 1940’s - sixty some years ago.  Despite having five kids, 12 grandkids and one great-grand child, Antonio says he he wants her gone… that he can no longer trust her.

- She’s 96. These days the only thing she “puts out” is urine!

- Antonio is already getting into the dating scene… he’s joined e-MyocardialInfarction.com

Today's Almanac

On this date in in 1961, history’s longest recorded strike ended when Danish barbers’s assistants went back to work after 33 years.

- No one wanted to talk about it, so they just swept it under the rug. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

And So It Begins...

We’re… Baaaaccccckkk! Like many of you, we took yesterday off… but what better way to get a jump start on the New Year than going back to work on the 3rd?  

Tonights the night! Michigan vs. Iowa! On TV that is…

Brady Hoke and Michigan will take on Virginia Tech tonight in the Sugar Bowl down in New Orleans. Kick-off: 8:30pm. Go Blue!

Then of course, there’s the Iowa Caucus. Today, the first Republican primary votes will be cast there, and Donald Trump is apparently serious about his threat to launch a third party run. Sunday, a Texas group called the “Make America Great Again Party” filed paperwork to let Trump run in Texas.  He says he’s flattered and is reserving his option to run if he thinks the GOP nominee can’t beat Obama.  

- And since Trump believes the only candidate that can beat Obama is Trump, I’m bettin’ on that third party run. 

- Since he owns the Miss USA Pageant… the winner automatically gets to run as his V.P.!

Dennis Rodman: "Gettin Jiggly With It!"

First, former NBA star Spud Webb signed on with the Rick’s Cabaret chain to form a women’s basketball league for topless dancers.  Now, that’s inspired Dennis Rodman to launch a competing team of topless players for NY’s Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club, that he plans to coach.  Rodman explained, “I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down the court.”

- Unless, in reality, “that woman” is Dennis Rodman in high heels and a topless wedding dress! 

- The players in this league are a lot like the basketballs… they’ve also been “inflated”.  

- Men everywhere are praying the’ll be a lot of “Illegal Use of The Hands”.  

Billions Served... Two Arrested.

19-year-old Paul Kosur and 21-yeear-old Megan Gutierrez were arrested in Illinois for public indecency after they allegedly went thru a McDonald’s drive-thru naked. Even after they were taken to jail, they allegedly told officers that driving by the Mickey D’s window naked may not have been a great idea, but they still thought it was funny. 

- However Paul didn’t find it very funny when Megan said she was just trying to get some McNuggets for her boyfriend. 

- The woman working the window said, “They should have gone to Burger King… he seemed like more of a Whopper Jr. kind of guy.” 

- It could have been worse.  They could have actually gone into an IHOP for the “Rootie Tootie Fresh & Nudie” breakfast. 

Bad News For Guys Named "Kevin"...

If you’re looking for love on the Internet, you might want to change your name. Psychologists at Berlin’s Humboldt University created on-line profiles without photos and found that some names drew over twce as many hits as others. “Jacob” got the most clicks of any male name followed by “Alexander”.  For women, “Charlotte”, “Emma” and “Hannah” were the top three.  The least attractive name for a woman was “Mandy” and among men, “Kevin” got the fewest hits of all. 

- I would have thought “Adolph” would have gotten the fewest hits!

- Maybe the women were all afraid they were gonna end up with Kevin Federline.  

- So I guess a lot of guys want to meet “Charlotte on the Web”.

"Justin And The Jets"???

Elton John and his partner David Furnish are producing a bio-pic about Elton’s life, tentaively titled “Rocket Man”. Elton says he wants it to be surreal like “Moulin Rouge,” not factua,l because his life hasn’t been normal. His choice to play himself? Elton says Justin Timberlake would be “superb”. 

- His second choice:  Lady Gaga.   

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1969, police in Newark, New Jersey, seized 30,000 copies of the “Two Virgins” album, claiming the nude cover photo of John Lennon and Yoko Ono was pornographic.  

- As a Supreme Court Justice once said, “I can’t define “pornograhy” but I know it when I see it.  And Yoko Ono naked isn’t pornographic, it’s just disturbing!” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy New Year!!!

Dick's Not-So-Rockin' New Years Eve!

Happy New Year’s Eve! Whether you’re headed out for a big bash or will spend the evening sitting in front of the TV enjoying a celebratory banana, blueberry & salmon smootie like I traditionally do, I wish you and yours a very Happy and SAFE New Year’s Eve!  

See you right back here in 2012! 

-Dick 

Going... Going... Almost Gone!

It’s Friday… and the 2nd to last day of the year.  2011 — another tough year economically for Detroiters and people across the country.  But there were some positives! Here’s a small sample…

-Athletically speaking, the Tigers made the play-offs with Justin Verlander winning the MVP and Cy Young Awards, the Lions made the play-offs for the first time in 12 years, the Pistons got a new owner, the Red Wings are always a winning team, and Michigan and Michigan State both had excellent years on the field! 

-Kwame continues to make his restitution payments… something he’ll be doing for the next 200 years! 

-Big Al lost 10 pounds… and then gained 13! 

-Osama Bin Laden, Mohammar Gadhafi, Hasni Mubarek and Kim Jong Il have all gone away - one way or another! 

-Paris Hilton and Britney Spears made it an entire year WEARING underwear.

-Pippa Middleton may or may not have been wearing underwear in that Bridesmaid dress, but she certainly showed off a “Royal Behind”.  BTW… Her sister Kate seems perfectly grounded, while Pippa seems perfectly rounded! 

-Anthony Weiner resigned after first denying and then admitting that, in the infamous tweets, he was indeed the owner of the “Little Weiner”.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger got an extra Father’s Day gift! 

-And “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD came out and has sold so well there are only a handful of copies left.  To get yours, just click on the blue CD ad on this page. Proceeds benefit two Michigan Military charites! 

And now on with today’s audio entertainment - a couple of cuts from two of my previous “Best Ofs”… one featuring our friend Doc Andrews and myself in a Put-On call involving both of us trying to get jobs as a legal secretary, and the other a classic joke from Soupy Sales that he told on my show. 

I hope you enjoy the two cuts and we’ll see you back here tomorrow - THE LAST DAY OF 2011!

-Dick

Dick & Doc “Put-On Call” As They Apply For Jobs As A Legal Secretary (6:09)

Soupy Sales: Fun At The Bakery! (:51)

Shrimp With Melon Balls???

Well, we had our big “Morning Show Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus/New’s Eve Party” yesterday at PF Changs in Northville.  (And yes… I was hungry an hour later!)

I had insisted on a “no gift” policy and unfortunately, everybody took me seriously! 

The one “present” handed out was a copy of “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD to all the guys on the show… (who apparently were too cheap to buy it for themselves!)  

Some highlights from the lunch…

- Big Al was late getting there (as always).

- Jackie was sick with the stomach flu so she didn’t make it. (I didn’t really mean to put that in the list of “highlights”!) 

- Being the only female there, Rebekah was like a rose between a whole bunch of thorns.  

- Of course, being the host, I picked up the check. (The boys fought over it) … NOT! 

- Among the dishes we shared:  Lettuce wraps, Mongolian Beef, and some kind of Shrimp with Melon Balls. (yes, “Shrimp with Melon Balls”).  I didn’t even know shrimp had those things! 

- We were going to have everything put in doggie bags to take home until we realized that the only thing left were two of the melon balls, and only Rebekah was man enough to take those home!

With the exception of the time we spent talking about various Program Directors we worked with over the years, we had a great time!!!

And now on to today’s “Best Ofs”… Two of my favorite cuts from the past.  One is a wrong number call that I received in the studio that features the late, great Gene Tayor, from “The Best of Purtan - Vol. 1” - released in 1985.  And the second was from 1996, when my daughter Jessica’s soon-to-be husband Chris, had to fill out a “Marriage Assessment Test”. It’s from Volume 5.  As our waitress at the luncheon said yesterday… “Enjoy!” 

Wrong Number Put-On Call (5:24)

Marriage Assessment Test (1:45) 

-Dick 

P.S. See you back here Friday with more “Blasts from the Past”! 

We Are Party Animals!

Today’s the day!

Our big “Morning Show Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus/New Year’s Eve Party”! I know a lot of people have their office get-togethers after Christmas - (it’s easier to get reservations) and we’re no exception! As is our tradition, we’re having a luncheon - and along with the regular morning show gang, we’re expecting a special guest at our table: Kwame Kilpatrick!  (He offered to pick-up the tab… then called me back and said that after his monthly expenses he only had 6 bucks to throw in the pot. I’m trying to work out a monthly payment plan for him. If all goes well, he should have the lunch paid off by Christmas of 2024!)

In keeping with this week’s “Holiday Schedule”, today we’re featuring two of my favorite “Best Of” bits from CD’s 1-9.  Today’s two are from Volume 7 which was released in 2000.  

I’m off to put on my “I’m With Stupid T-Shirt”… (Yup, I’m sitting next to Big Al!)

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday with all the party details and more!

-Dick 

Dick’s Newticle Notes (:59)

Purtan’s Kiddie Christmas (2:39)

"Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

Well we might not have had a White Christmas… but at least we’ve got a White Tuesday! As soon as I’m done with posting today’s blog, I’m putting on my boots, snowpants and mittens and heading out to make my first snowman of the season.  Big Al is going to bring over the coal he got in his stocking to use for the nose. 

Also looking forward to tomorrow’s annual “Purtan’s People Morning Show Christmas Lunch”.  (I’d tell you where we’re having it, but the Paparazzi can be very distracting!) 

If you haven’t had your office Christmas party yet and/or forgot someone on your list, why not treat them to “The Best Of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD! It’s just $19.99 - and all you have to do is click on the blue CD ad on this page to order! 

Meanwhile, as promised, we’ll be putting up a few “Best Ofs” from years past each day this week.  Today I humbly offer you…  

Krapco Christmas Catalog 2007 (2:16)

Vote For Dick Purtan? (:45) 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick