The Day After...

Hard to believe but Christmas has come and gone! I hope that you got everything you wanted (I even got some stuff I didn’t want, and in the words of General Douglas MacArthur… “I Shall Return!”) Just kidding… the whole family (all 22 of us - plus the one on the way!) got together and had a sensational weekend! I hope your Christmas was equally as great! 

And now… back to work.  

Okay, maybe not!

Just like I used to do when I was on the air, I’ve decided to take a break until after New Years. So instead of putting up “new” stuff each day this week, we’ll be featuring some things from our “Best Ofs” from the past.  

Today, we re-visit a holiday commercial we produced a few years back. It’s called “Music For No Good Reason” and once you listen to it, I think you’ll understand why! Plus… our pal Morrie introduces us to some of the hottest new toys of the Holiday season! 

Have a great Monday and I’ll see you back here with more “Best Ofs” on Tuesday! 

-Dick 

“Music For No Good Reason” (1:27) 

Sleep Apnea Bernie (2:15)

Merry Christmas!

Well here it is… the day before, the day before, the big day! Whether you’re rushing around trying to finish your last minute shopping (like me - is the gas station mini-mart still open?), wrapping like a maniac (like my wife), or have already headed over the river and through the woods to get to Grandmother’s house, I wish you a very Merry Christmas! 

And in honor of the holidays, we’ve taken a break from podcasting today, and instead offer you an old chestnut - a traditional put-on call that we’ve played at Christmastime for years.  It comes from the “The Best of Dick Purtan and Purtan’s People - Vol. 2). Enjoy! And remember you can still get your copy (copies) of my latest and LAST CD - “The Best of Purtan & Purtan’s People Vol. 10” by clicking on the blue CD ad on this page.  It’s just $19.99 and makes a great holiday (or even Post-Holiday) gift!

And remember, proceeds benefit two Michigan Military charities - helping out the brave men and women of our armed forces and their families - whose needs are great… especially during the Christmas Holiday!  

And now, listen-in as Lisa Rossi gets a little “worked-up”, shall we say, about some deli trays she ordered for her Office Christmas Party…

Farmer Jack Put-On Call

Going... Going... Almost Gone!

Thanks to all of you generous people out there for your overwhelming support in the purchasing of the “The Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD! We are almost completely SOLD OUT… so if you haven’t gotten yours yet, I’d recommend ordering one today! Because when they’re gone, they’re gone! And there will be no more! It’s only $19.99 and benefits two Michigan Military charities, Operation Homefront and Honor Flight Michigan: The Legacy Project. Just click the blue CD ad on this page!

Thanks again! 

-Dick 

"Tears For Fears"???

For the past few days, the news has been full of North Koreans wailing in anguish over the death of their “Dear Leader”, Kim Jong-Il. But they never seem to shed any tears and dissidents say there’s a good reason for that: They’re faking it.  It’s believed that they’re afraid not to look sad enough. One kindergarten teacher said she used to have to take her class twice a day to honor the statue of the last dictator, Kim’s father, and was shocked to see that kids that young already knew how to put spit on their faces to look like they’d been crying. 

- The real tears came naturally when Kim Jong-Il and his father were ALIVE. 

- Of course they can’t cry! They haven’t had enough food or water to hydrate themselves in the last 17 years! 

"My... What A Little Weiner!"

Disgraced  NY Congressman Anthony Weiner finally has something to smile about. His wife, Huma Abedin, who stood by him throughout his sexual tweeting scandal, gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.  Little Jordon Zane Weiner weighed in at a little over 7 pounds. 

- Apparently old habits die hard… Anthony immediately tweeted pix of “his little bundle of joy” to all his former constituents.  

- They say the baby has her eyes and his… um… well, you know.  

- NOTE: Weiner’s wife is an aide to Hillary Clinton.  The picture below shows Abedin shows a clearly disturbed Hillary a picture of a dead Mohammar Ghadafi. Or was it perhaps a picture of something else???   

Forecast Calls For Meltdown Of Forecaster!

Weathermen (I know, it’s “meteorologists”) have always been the affable, fun-guy on TV news sets.  From Al Roker to Sonny Eliot - no matter what the conditions outside, viewers could always count on them to put on a smile.  That all changed yesterday during a live broadcast on a local news show in L.A. Watch as a disgruntled weatherman who was asked to “multi-task” has a meltdown on live TV..

Has Christmas Gone To The Dogs?

Sarah Palin has taken expection to this year’s official White House Christmas Card. It features a photo of the library decorated for Christmas with Bo, the First-Family dog, in front of a warm fire. Palin said she found it “odd” that the Obama’s card emphasizes a dog instead of traditons like “family, faith and freedom” and that American’s prefer “American foundational values illustrated on Christmas Cards”. 

- The Obamas would have been in the shot with the dog, but they’d already left for Hawaii when the picture was taken. 

- Ironically, before he died, Kim Jong-Il sent Christmas cards which also featured a dog… but the dog was sitting on the fire in a casserole dish.  

- I’m just glad they didn’t send out one of those “What Our Family Did Over The Last Year” Letters! To be honest I really don’t care if Malia got an “A” on her book report.  

- Bill Clinton was the first President to send out a Christmas Card with a dog sitting in front of a warm fire. Of course in that case, Bill was the hound dog! 

From Zero To Loser In Under Six Hours!

David Dopp of Utah won a 2008 Lamborghini in a contest called “Joe Schmo to Lambo”. The car is worth $380,000, has a 640-horsepower engine, and can go from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds. Dopp got the car on December 17th and immediately took it out for a joy ride. When neighbors complained of the noise, he drove to the edge of town, hit some black ice, spun out and smashed into a fence post. He’d had the car for 6 hours before wrecking it.

- He never should have taken that “Crash Course” in how to drive a Lamborghini!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1944, during the Battle of the Bulge, U.S. Brigadier Gen. Anthony C. McAuliffe responded to a German demand to surrender with the reply, “Nuts!”

- In today’s PC world some people would have criticized him for using a word that might cause a severe allergic reaction. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with some special Holiday surprises Friday! 

-Dick 

YouTube... And North Korea's YouBoob!

YouTube compiled a list of the top Internet videos of 2011, and the the most popular of all, racking up more than 180 million views was Rebecca Black’s inane song, “Friday”.  The rest of the top ten included a “talking dog,” some cute cats, two babies babbling at each other as if having a conversation, and a 10-year-old girl singing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. But for my money, the most interesting thing to watch on the internet is called “Kim Jong Il - Looking at Things”.  Check it out! 

“Our Dear Leader Hard At Work”

Most Popular Meat In D.C.? PORK!

Tuesday, Oklahoma GOP Senator Tom Coburn released his “Wastebook 2011”, an annual round-up of the years’s most egregious wastes of taxpayers money.  This year’s “pork” totalled $6.5 Billion.  Some of the “lowlights” include: $550,000 for a documentary on how rock music helped collapse the Soviet Union and $113,227 for a center to preserve old video games.

- The video game center got two big “thumbs up” from Congressional gamers. 

- The idea for the video game center was actually suggested by two brothers from Italy: Mario and Luigi. 

But there were some even bigger chunks of pork, including $15.3 million for the infamous “bridge to nowhere” in Alaska that was never actually built, including over a million dollars for staffers to promote it, and $10 million to remake “Sesame Street” for Pakistan. 

- The first episode was brought to you by the letters “T…N…T”!

- You haven’t lived ‘til you’ve seen Miss Piggy in a Burka. 

- Bert & Ernie aren’t on the Pakistani edition.  They were killed under suspicion of being gay.  

TSA Introduces "Invasive Serenading"...

This week at the LA airport, the Transportation Security Administration Chorus tried to improve the TSA’s image by performing songs for the passengers.  They performed a mixture of Christmas songs and pop standards like “I Believe I Can Fly”. 

- Throw in a glass of wine and the passengers will start thinking of pat-downs as “a date”. 

- One group of passengers fought back launching into their own version of “You Can’t Touch This!”

- Wait ‘til you hear what they’ve got planned for their “St. Pat-Me-Down’s Day” concert! 

Bon Jovi ALIVE! Kim Jong Il, Not So Much...

Over the weekend, someone Tweeted a fake news story claiming that rock star Jon Bon Jovi had died of a heart attack. It went viral on the internet, prompting Bon Jovi to assure fans that his is still alive. He posted a photo of himself on Facebook, holding a sign that reads, “Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey,” with a caption insisting that the photo was just taken.

- He may be alive, but parts of new New Jersey really look like Hell.

- Apparently people got him confused with Kim Jong Il… because they were both members of the “Really Big Hair Club”. 

TV Show Skewered Over Shish-Ke-BOB!!!

A Dutch TV network is under fire for releasing a teaser trailer for a show called “Guinea Pigs” that appeared to promote cannibalism.  It depicted the two human hosts having pieces of their flesh surgically removed, then prepared by a chef so they could eat each other.  It sparked so much outrage that the network admitted it was a hoax designed to raise awareness of a shortage of organ donors. 

- So the network ended up eating crow… which they said tasted a lot like chicken. 

NOTE:  This reminds me of the great joke about two cannibals sitting down for dinner around a big pot of soup. The one said, “You know, I never really liked your brother”, to which the other replied, “Then just eat the noodles!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts.  

- They immediately headed to the local “Ye Olde Wal-Mart” to get the Indians some last minute Christmas gifts!

Speaking of gifts… “The Best of Dick Purtan and Purtan’s People - Vol. 10” CD is almost SOLD OUT! But you can still get a copy if you act fast! Just click on the blue CD ad on this website and you can get your copy (or copies) - in time for Christmas! It contains 40 cuts from my last years on the air and it’s my final CD! There will be no more! It’s just $19.99 and proceeds benefit two outstanding Michigan Military charities. It’s way more fun than a pair of socks! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick    

Kim Jong "Un"-Fit To Rule?

While deceased North Korean despot Kim Jong Il lays on display under glass, many were wondering why he passed over his two older sons to choose his youngest boy, Kim Jon Un as his succesor. Turns out daddy thought his oldest son was too much of a partier and a playboy.

- His name?  Kim Jong Charlie-Sheen

Meanwhile, his second oldest, Kim Jong Chol, was seen as “too soft and feminine”.  He once wrote a “girly” poem about his ideal world in which everyone would be happy and free, nuclear weapons would be banned, and “I would destroy all terrorists with the Hollywood star, Jean Claude van Damme.”  

- This sound like the Corleone family in “The Godfather”… The oldest son, Sonny was the “playboy”, the middle son Fredo was “the sensitive one”, and the youngest, Michael, was “the brains of the operation”. 

- Kim Jon Chol also had a habit of bringing home stray dogs… but his dad kept eating them. 

- His father thought of him as  “Kim Jong-Gay”. 

FACT: 17 years ago, when Kim Jong Il was made the “Dear Leader”, in an effort to build-up his God-like status, the regime claimed that he could walk and talk at the age of three months, and that he had achieved 11 holes in one, the first time he played golf. (Apparently over there it’s easier to hit the ball in the clown’s mouth!)

At Least He Didn't Call Him "Kim Jong-Karsashian"!

The Daily Beast reports that in an email on his website, GOP candidate Rick Perry referred to the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il as “Kim Jong the Second”. 

- Hey, after Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi, he’s the THIRD dictator to die this year. It’s amazing Perry remembered him at all! 

More Proof Of Boobs In Congress...

U.S. Representative Barney Frank had a bit of a “wardrobe malfunction” on the floor of the house yesterday. Due to recent surgery on his hand, he was forced to wear a sling and a shirt that you don’t normally see on a member of the legislative body.  

- Uh, oh! Looks like Nancy Pelosi’s got some competition! 

- A lot of women would kill to have boobs that big!  

You Should Try Their Corn Beef Dash-er!

An upscale British store is offering a unique Christmas gourmet treat: canned Reindeer pate for $23 a can. It sparked outrage by animal activists, who demanded it be removed from shelves.  And it worked… sort of. Reindeer pate is no longer on shelves but only because protesters gave it so much publicity, it sold out. BTW… the label on the can says it’s “an indulgent Christmas treat” that contains a “farm-raised relative of Rudolph”. 

- NOTE: If you open a can and find a maraschino cherry on top… it’s probably NOT a maraschino cherry! 

- There are also Reindeer crackers cuz… You know what they say, “Everything tastes better when it’s sittin’ on a Blitz…en!” 

Rivers in Denial...

Joan Rivers’ 43-year-old daughter Melissa is dating Steven Hirsch, the head of the porn/celebrity sex tape company, Vivid Entertainment. The news prompted PornHub.com to write them, asking if Melissa and her boyfriend would be interested in filming the first sex tape to feature “a sexy Jewish American Princess”.  No reply yet. 

- As Jewish folklore would have it, if they want to get a tape of the two of them having sex, they’d better get it before they get married! 

- Joan Rivers was reported shocked and appalled by the offer… but you sure couldn’t tell by the look on her face!