And Then There Were Five...

Yesterday, Michele Bachmann officially dropped out of the race for the GOP nomination after receiving just 5% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus. Meanwhile Rick Perry - who came in 5th place with 10% has decided to stay in the race though he trails Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich. 

- He was going to drop out, but changed his mind after forgetting that he got so few votes.

Meanwhile, Obama advisor David Axelrod is working to create a new nickname for Mitt Romney: “The 25% Man”. That’s in reference to the fact that Romney has never gotten more than 25%, not only in the Iowa Caucus but in any major poll of GOP voters. 

- New Gingrich is now organizing an “Occupy Romney” protest outside Mitt’s campaign headquarters, referring to himself and the other candidates as “The Other 24 Percent”. 

Ron Paul May Win By Hooker By Crook...

John McCains endorsement of formal rival Mitt Romney yesterday was slightly overshadowed when Nevada’s legal brothel, the Bunny Ranch, endorsed Ron Paul.  Owner Dennis Hof said the girls considered Newt Gingrich because they “like cheaters” but finally decided on Paul.  During January, they’re even offering a special: two bunnies for the price of one if a client says, “I’m pimping for Paul”!

- Compared to Newt, the girls think even Ron Paul looks sexy. 

- Don’t underestimate the importance of the “working girl” vote! 

- This is the first time the Bunnies have endorsed a candidate since Bill Clinton ran in 1990.  

Leggo Their Ego's!!!

The Kardashians are pitching a proposal to publishers for a Kardashian glossy magazine that would be filled with nothing but photos about the Kardashians.  

- People Magazine and US Weekly immediately sued for copyright infringement.  

- They were originally going for a “Readers Digest” size magazine, but realized they couldn’t fit pictures of their butts on the pages. 

NOTE: To manufacture their line of clothing, the Kardashians are rumored to be running a sweat shop in Haiti, where the employees work 84 hours a week.  

- Which is longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage! 

Parishioners Pray For Global Cooling!

The people of Mitterfirmiansreut, Germany have opened a small Catholic church built entirely of snow and ice. The snow church is part of a 100 year old tradition that started when authorities refused to let locals build a traditional house of worship.  So they built one out of snow and ice instead. Thousands of visitors are expected to visit the mini-cathedral, nicknamed “God’s Igloo”, before it melts. 

- This Sunday’s service will be delivered by a certain Reverend F. T. Snowman. 

- It’s so cold in there, people in the confessional are allowed to begin by saying, “Forgive me father, for I have freezer burn on my knees.”

- In the Christmas Nativity Pageant, the three wise men brought Gold, Frankenscense and Brrrrr! 

Twins Break Old Record By Becoming Even More Old!

The world’s oldest twins, Ena Pugh and Lily Millward celebrated their 102nd birthday Wednesday. The two women, who were born before World War I, were presented with copies of the Guinness Book of World Records. They say they have spent every birthday together and still get together for weekly shopping trips and talk on the phone everyday. 

- When they were teenagers they shared clothes.  Now they share catheters! 

- They weren’t identical twins… but they are now! They both admit they look kinda pruney. 

"The Donald" Gets New Ducks In A Row...

Yesterday, Donald Trump announced the contestants for the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice”, and bloggers say there are a surprising number of actual celebs. Contestants will include Cheryl Tiegs, Debbie Gibson, “Star Trek’s” George Takai, Arsenio Hall, Dee Snider of “Twisted Sister”, Clay Aiken and Penn and Teller’s Penn Jillette. 

- This just in… Michele Bachmann has offered to join the cast! 

- Execs are worried Clay Aiken and George Takai will get into a “bee-ach slapping contest” during one of the challenges.

- If the Donald really wanted a “Twisted Sister” he should have picked any one of the Kardashian girls. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1925, in Wyoming, Nellie T. Ross became American’s first female governor by succeeding her dead husband. 

- Her first act was to pardon herself for murdering him after finding out he was sleeping with an intern. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our first Podcast of 2012! 

-Dick 

Michigan & Romney Get Some Sugar Last Night...

Sugar Bowl: Michigan wins by 3! Iowa Caucus: Romney wins by 8!

Rick Santorum comes in second and Ron Paul took third. 

- Herman Cain told reporters that if he’d stayed in the election he would have won by 9-9-9 votes!  

- Exit polls showed that caucus voters aren’t that enamored with Ron Paul’s policies, but they just love his wife’s fish sticks!  

Newt Gingrich came in 4th with 13% and Rick Perry took 5th with 10%. Perry told supporters he would head back to his home state of Texas to assess his future. 

- Which includes three things:  Whether or not to continue his campaign, how his family feels about it, and… um… um… oops! 

Michele Bachman came is sixth with just 5% of the vote and has suspended her campaign but insists that “there are many more chapters yet to be written.”

- And they’ll all be in the book she’ll soon be promoting about her failed run for the Presidency. 

Bad Jeans?

Melbourne University researcher Tullia Jack found 30 volunteers who agreed to wear the same pair of jeans 5 days a week for 3 months without washing them, as a challenge to our culture of “extreme clean”. She claims we don’t need to wash our clothes as often as you think and that “stains come and go”. After 3 months, she says half the subjects wanted to keep wearing the dirty jeans - which she claims “don’t stink… they smell like people”.  She’s going to put them on display so the public can sniff them for themselves. 

- Personally, I’ll just take her word for it!  

- Amazingly, everyone of the volunteers just happened to live in a fraternity house. 

- You don’t wanna know about her “Don’t Wash Your Socks” Study! 

- A similar study was conducted in Copenhagen leading to the expression, “There’s something rotten in Denmark”.  

NEWSFLASH: Spiderman Musical Sells Tickets Without Injury!

The much-mocked musical, “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark” got the last laugh when it sold $2.9 million worth of tickets last week, a new single-week Broadway sales record.  

- The tickets were all sold to people whose New Years Resolution was “to take more risks”. 

- Producers say they’ll use the money to build a triage clinic next to the concession stand to treat injured actors.  

Cops Throw Book At Little Girl To Get Books Back!

A little girl in Boston was scared to tears after a library ordered police officers to her home to collect two overdue books. Shannon Bennoit, the mother of 5-year-old Hailey answered the door to find a cop demanding that she either return the two books or pay for them.  Fearing she would be arrested, Hailey handed over the books. Even the police admitted they thought bringing them in on an overdue library situation was a little “over the top”. 

- To be fair, there is a three month wait-list for “Dora the Explorer Does Dallas”.

- When the cops said they were going to read Hailey her rights, she said, “Yippee!  I hope there are lots of pictures!” 

Once A Slut... Always A Slut?

A 99-year-old Italian man has served his 96-year-old wife of 77 years with divorce papers.  The man, identified only as “Antonio C” recently found some letters proving that his wife “Rosa” had an affair.  The strange part is, she had the affair in the 1940’s - sixty some years ago.  Despite having five kids, 12 grandkids and one great-grand child, Antonio says he he wants her gone… that he can no longer trust her.

- She’s 96. These days the only thing she “puts out” is urine!

- Antonio is already getting into the dating scene… he’s joined e-MyocardialInfarction.com

Today's Almanac

On this date in in 1961, history’s longest recorded strike ended when Danish barbers’s assistants went back to work after 33 years.

- No one wanted to talk about it, so they just swept it under the rug. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

And So It Begins...

We’re… Baaaaccccckkk! Like many of you, we took yesterday off… but what better way to get a jump start on the New Year than going back to work on the 3rd?  

Tonights the night! Michigan vs. Iowa! On TV that is…

Brady Hoke and Michigan will take on Virginia Tech tonight in the Sugar Bowl down in New Orleans. Kick-off: 8:30pm. Go Blue!

Then of course, there’s the Iowa Caucus. Today, the first Republican primary votes will be cast there, and Donald Trump is apparently serious about his threat to launch a third party run. Sunday, a Texas group called the “Make America Great Again Party” filed paperwork to let Trump run in Texas.  He says he’s flattered and is reserving his option to run if he thinks the GOP nominee can’t beat Obama.  

- And since Trump believes the only candidate that can beat Obama is Trump, I’m bettin’ on that third party run. 

- Since he owns the Miss USA Pageant… the winner automatically gets to run as his V.P.!

Dennis Rodman: "Gettin Jiggly With It!"

First, former NBA star Spud Webb signed on with the Rick’s Cabaret chain to form a women’s basketball league for topless dancers.  Now, that’s inspired Dennis Rodman to launch a competing team of topless players for NY’s Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club, that he plans to coach.  Rodman explained, “I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down the court.”

- Unless, in reality, “that woman” is Dennis Rodman in high heels and a topless wedding dress! 

- The players in this league are a lot like the basketballs… they’ve also been “inflated”.  

- Men everywhere are praying the’ll be a lot of “Illegal Use of The Hands”.  

Billions Served... Two Arrested.

19-year-old Paul Kosur and 21-yeear-old Megan Gutierrez were arrested in Illinois for public indecency after they allegedly went thru a McDonald’s drive-thru naked. Even after they were taken to jail, they allegedly told officers that driving by the Mickey D’s window naked may not have been a great idea, but they still thought it was funny. 

- However Paul didn’t find it very funny when Megan said she was just trying to get some McNuggets for her boyfriend. 

- The woman working the window said, “They should have gone to Burger King… he seemed like more of a Whopper Jr. kind of guy.” 

- It could have been worse.  They could have actually gone into an IHOP for the “Rootie Tootie Fresh & Nudie” breakfast. 

Bad News For Guys Named "Kevin"...

If you’re looking for love on the Internet, you might want to change your name. Psychologists at Berlin’s Humboldt University created on-line profiles without photos and found that some names drew over twce as many hits as others. “Jacob” got the most clicks of any male name followed by “Alexander”.  For women, “Charlotte”, “Emma” and “Hannah” were the top three.  The least attractive name for a woman was “Mandy” and among men, “Kevin” got the fewest hits of all. 

- I would have thought “Adolph” would have gotten the fewest hits!

- Maybe the women were all afraid they were gonna end up with Kevin Federline.  

- So I guess a lot of guys want to meet “Charlotte on the Web”.

"Justin And The Jets"???

Elton John and his partner David Furnish are producing a bio-pic about Elton’s life, tentaively titled “Rocket Man”. Elton says he wants it to be surreal like “Moulin Rouge,” not factua,l because his life hasn’t been normal. His choice to play himself? Elton says Justin Timberlake would be “superb”. 

- His second choice:  Lady Gaga.   

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1969, police in Newark, New Jersey, seized 30,000 copies of the “Two Virgins” album, claiming the nude cover photo of John Lennon and Yoko Ono was pornographic.  

- As a Supreme Court Justice once said, “I can’t define “pornograhy” but I know it when I see it.  And Yoko Ono naked isn’t pornographic, it’s just disturbing!” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Happy New Year!!!