Last night, talking head Nancy Grace (and the rest of her body) got the boot on DWTS - just one week before the semi-finals begin. In her farewell speech she thanked everybody under the sun, including her family for flying in to “take care of my twins so I could dance”.
- After her recent wardrobe malfunction, I thought she brought her “twins” to the set with her everyday!
The head of the Irish budget airline Ryanair has proposed offering passengers a pay-per-view porn service on airliners. He says it wouldn’t be on the screens on the back of seats for everyone to see, but on handheld devices.
- He also proposed changing the term “TSA Pat-Down” to “Foreplay”.
- So now passengers can join the “Mile High Club” without even unfastening their seat belt!
- All that heavy breathing will really help drown out the kids screaming in the back of the plane.
Zookeepers in Toronto have outraged gay activists with their plans to split up a well known “gay penguin” couple. Buddy and Pedro are both male penguins, but they bray mating calls to each other, preen each other, and stand together to defend their territory. Zookeepers say they’re “fascinated” by the penguin’s behavior, but they need male penguins for the captive breeding program, so they plan to separate them.
- Why not just let them adopt?
- Buddy and Pedro aren’t going to actually have sex with the female penquins, but they’ll do the girls’ hair so they’ll be more attractive to the straight males.
- Zookeepers did the same thing last year when they caught two male giraffes necking.
26-year-old Chris Birch of Wales, was a burly, 266-pound rugby player and skinhead type who was engaged to his girlfriend when he attempted a backflip in the field. He fell, broke his neck and suffered a stroke. Days later, he awoke in the hospital to discover he’d lost all interest in women and sports and was now gay. He quit his job at a bank, trained to become a hairdresser, lost 112 pounds and is now living with a 19-year-old boyfriend.
- The two are even planning a romantic getaway to visit the penquin exhibit at the Toronto Zoo.
- Now in addition to “slurred speech”, doctors have added “a new-found interest in redecorating”, to the official “Signs You Might Have Had A Stroke” list.
- The chance of this happening is why I cancelled my appearance in the next Olympic Decathalon.
On this day in 1966, at an exhibit of her art in London, John Lennon met Yoko Ono.
- Otherwise referred to as “The Day the Music Died”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
Former Penn State football defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting young boys. Head Coach Joe Paterno, was informed of one of the assaults by an eyewitness ten years ago and passed on the information to his bosses - but not to authorities. The bosses did nothing and nothing further was heard from Paterno - who is the winninest football coach in college history.
What’s your opinion? Should Joe Paterno be fired, resign, or keep his job?
Just click the “Comment” button and let me know where you stand. Or leave me a message on my facebook page. Thanks.
-Dick
After a six week trial and nine hours of deliberations, a jury found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the 2009 death of Michael Jackson. Murray was immediately taken into custody and will be sentenced later this month. He could face up to four years in prison and is currently on suicide watch.
- Guards became suspicious when Dr. Murray asked if the prison commissary carried Propofol.
Lindsay Lohan completed her 300 day jail sentence for probation violation in less than 300 MINUTES. Her sentence was reduced due to overcrowding. She arrived around 8:30 p.m. and was released at 1:30 a.m. Still, Lindsay has told friends that the 4 1/2 hours she spent in prison were “a real wake up call” and that jail was “cold” and “scary” and one of the worst places she’s ever been.
- Those were the same words used by Mrs. Vlad the Impaler after her wedding night with Vlad.
- Lindsay was reportedly shocked when she found out the jail didn’t have a liquor license.
Monday, a woman named Sharon Bialek, flanked by attorney Gloria Alred, gave a graphic press conference detailing sexual harrassment claims against Herman Cain. Bialek told reporters she went to Cain looking for a job back in 1997, but claims instead of an interview, he groped her genitals among other things. Cain is set to deny the charges in a press conference later today.
- Bill Clinton said, “Like me, Herman Cain is someone who likes to reach across more than just the aisle.”
Bialek may run into some credibility problems: She never filed a complaint, has no proof or witnesses, and she has a spotty history of firings, lawsuits, freqent job changes, sexual harrassment claims, bankruptcies and a paternity suit filed against her by her son’s father.
- … John Edwards.
A French news site reports that during a private moment at the G-20 press conference last week, French President Nicolas Sarkozy told President Obama that he can’t stand Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and that “he is a liar.” 
Obama replied, “You’re sick of him, but I have to deal with him every day!” The two leaders didn’t realize that their microphones were turned on.
- Turns out the real reason the French President doesn’t like him is that Netenyahu once admitted that he can’t stand Jerry Lewis.
- So this is why Obama rarely speaks without a teleprompter!
- Sarkozy also told Obama a “Knock Knock Joke”…
Sarkozy: Knock knock!
Obama: Who’s there?
Sarkozy: Benjamin Netanyahu.
Obama: Benjamin Netanyahu who?
Sarkozy: How long have you been stuttering?
British soccer player Gabriel Sakuani may have stumbled on the trendiest celebrity name of all time. Inspired the the “trending topics” feature on Twitter, he just named his baby son “Trendy”. He says Trendy “suits him” and he’s sure it will grow on people and become popular.
- Just like when Frank Zappa had a baby girl and suddenly EVERYBODY was naming their daughters “Moon Unit”!
- I have a feeling that as soon as he’s old enough to use a computer, “Trendy” is going to “unfriend” his father.
- Why not just name the baby iKid and when he has another one, the iKid2?
Smokin’ Joe Frazier has died at the age of 67 after a short battle with liver cancer. He fought Mohammad Ali three times. One, known as “The Fight of the Century” saw Frazier take down Ali at Madison Square Garden- making him the first man to do so. But the tides turned in the famed rematch known as “The Rumble in the Jungle”, when Frazier lost his rematch with Ali in a bloody 15 round battle. Ali called it “the closest thing to death” he’d ever known and Frazier, who wanted to continue the fight was held back by his trainer because he’d taken so many blows from Ali he literally couldn’t see.
On this day in 1956, Ford Motor Company decided to name it’s new car the “Edsel,” after Henry Ford’s only son, Edsel Ford.
- If only Henry had named him “Trendy” the car might have been a hit!
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Kwame Kilpatrick and the state of Texas have negociated a new deal on the restitution payments he owes the city of Detroit.
Under the new plan, his dishonor is now $62.80 ahead of schedule on his 448 year plan to pay $160.00 per month towards the $860,000 he still owes the city of Detroit.
- The payment schedule was negotiated by Kwame’s new accountant, a Mr. B. Madoff.
Speaking of “Ducking Things”…
Congratulations to Red Wings who broke their six game losing streak by beating the Anaheim Ducks 5-0 on Saturday!
Over the weekend, the accuser who was reportedly going to make a bombshell public announcement about alleged sexual harrassment by Herman Cain instead released a statement saying it wasn’t worth giving up her privacy. Cain is still doing well in the polls and took in a record $2 million in donations since the accusations hit.
- So if you want to help get Cain elected, make an anonymous sexual harrassment charge against him and watch the money roll in!
- In keeping with his tax proposal theme, Cain responded to the allegations by saying, “Nein-Nein-Nein!”
Justin Bieber has denied ever meeting the woman who claims he fathered her baby during an alleged 30 second romp after a concert last year. He is demanding a DNA test to prove he’s not the father, then plans to sue for defamation. He claims he always goes straight to a limo and home after the shows.
- He has a limo driver so he can play “Super Mario Bros.” on his DS on the ride home.
- Justin’s mom said it’s possible he could accidentally be the father because, “He’s so young, I haven’t had ‘The Talk’ with him yet.
Meanwhile the woman’s ex-boyfriend told the New York Post that “it’s a scam,” and that she first tried to tell him he was the father, but that was impossible since they hadn’t even been in the same state within months of the conception.
- This woman is obviously in the state of confusion!
- Two words: Bill Clinton.
- Two more words: John Edwards.
Thursday in Minnesota, a district judge threw out former wrestler/Gov. Jesse Ventura’s lawsuit against the TSA, claiming their patdowns constitute unlawful searches. Ventura railed to cameras that he had lost his patriotism and would never stand for the National Anthem again, but would turn his back and raise his fist. He is also considering moving to Mexico or running for President of “the Fascist States of America”.
- I guess he’s still wrestling with his decision.
- Hey kids: This is a former Governor. This is a former Governor on steroids.
- He’d better plan on driving to Mexico or he’s going to have to face another TSA patdown.
At around 6:30 p.m. EST today, a huge asteroid, over 1300 feet in diameter will pass by the Earth closer than the moon. It’s the first time since 1976 that anything this big has come this close, but NASA says there is “no chance that this object will collide with either the earth or the moon”.
- If it did however, they say the impact would be similar to Kim Kardashian sky-diving, forgetting to pull the rip cord, and landing on her butt.
In a new twist for Holiday TV specials, ABC has signed Lady Gaga to star in “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving” on Thanksgiving Day. 
She’ll perform a mix of her own songs and standard holiday fare like, “White Christmas”. She’ll also be interviewed by Katic Couric, deep-fry a turkey, and sing a duet with Tony Bennett.
- I expect Tony’s gonna look just as confused as Bing Crosby did when he sang “The Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie.
- In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, Lada Gaga will wear a dress made out of raw Turkey instead of red meat.
- In her version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” the nine ladies dancing have a Bad Romance with the ten lords a leaping and everyone ends up with an STD.
On this day in 1805, Lewis and Clark sighted the Pacific Ocean for the first time.
- Prompting Lewis to say to Clark, “Look! I can see Sarah Palin’s house from here!”
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick