Purtan Podcast #17: From The Sublime To The Ridicul-ASS!

Happy Friday… In today’s Podcast we have a round table discussion (actually my dining room table where we sit to record these is more rectangular) about the craziness that seems to be permeating not only pop culture but even politics these days.  Bill Clinton joins us to analyze the Herman Cain situation and we bring you the very lastest on two of the greatest women this country has produced since Eleanor Roosevelt and Amelia Earhart: Yep, Kim Kardashian and Linsday Lohan!  

There’s plenty of other “stuff” too… including more information about the upcoming release of my new “Best of Purtan - Volume 10” CD:  What it is, who it benefits and when and where you can get it in plenty of time for the holidays!  

Enjoy the Podcast… twice if you like … with the clocks turning back an hour at 2am on Sunday, you’ll have some extra time on your hands!  

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #17   (27min. 03sec.)

Lindsay Sentenced To 300 Days: Set To Serve About An Hour!

Lindsay Lohan is headed to the slammer… sort of… for violating her probation.  Yesterday, a judge said, “You need structure. This is structure.” She sentenced LiLo to 300 days in jail and said she would serve it all if she failed to comply with probation.  But it was reduced to 30 days due to jail overcrowding, and for the same reason she’ll likely only serve 6 of the 30. But it gets better: Most people sentenced to 90 days or less are just processed and released. But a spokesman for the Sheriff said she might be in jail “as long as overnight”.  

- Lindsay said, “Great! I love one-night stands!”

- So basically the judge put her in a “time out” to think about what she’s done. 

- I’m so sick of Linsday’s antics… I’d rather have them let the Menendez brothers out and let her take one of their cells.  

Lindsay also caught a break when the judge delayed the start of her jail term until Friday, so she could have time to finish shooting her nude spread for Playboy. 

- If she goes right from the photo shoot to jail… she won’t have to bother getting undressed for the “strip search”. 

Macy's Claims Thousands of Soles!

Macy’s in New York’s Herald Square is undergoing a $400 million dollar renovation that will create the world’s largest shoe department.  It will offer 39,000 sq. feet of “fashion and luxury footwear” and hold 300,000 pairs of shoes.   

- That’s just one pair less than Oprah’s shoe closet holds! 

- Up until now, you had to go to Washington, D.C. if you wanted to see that many heels on one room. 

- This is gonna make DSW look like a phone booth.  

- The head of Macy’s shoe department calls it “An unprecedented feet.”

Obama Makes A Killing On New "Forbes" List!

Forbe’s has released it new listing of the world’s most powerful people, and this year, Barack Obama has knocked Chinese President Hu Jinto out of the #1 spot.  They credit Obama’s rise to number one to the killings of Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi. 

- Ironically, the “Most Powerful Person In The World” plaque they gave Obama had a “Made in China” sticker on it. 

- Hu Jinto is already hard at work putting together a list of people to kill so he can be re-claim the #1 spot next year! 

"Unfriending" Causes Relationship To Go Up In Flames...

Jennifer Christine Haris of Iowa is facing first-degree arson charges for allegedly setting another woman’s garage on fire.  Polie say the two women were long-time facebook friends, but they recently had a dispute, and Harris was furious that the victim had “unfriended” her. 

- Harris was easy to nab, since she posted pictures of herself standing in front of the burning garage on her facebook page! 

- If convicted, Harris will join “MySpace”… which in her case will be an 8’ X 10’ cell.  

- She was really just mad because the woman kept beating her at “Words With Friends” . 

When Push Comes To Shove... She's A Good Driver!

20-year-old Emma French of Scotland was pregnant, and her water broke at 4 a.m.  But she’d waited a long time for a driving test scheduled at 8:40.  So she took the test without telling the examiner she was having contractions every 10 minutes.  She passed the test, then drove herself to the hospital were she gave birth to a daughter that night.  She said the nurses were confused because she kept getting congrats on the baby and the driving test. 

- The instructor gave her high marks for Parallel parking… apparently she’s good at getting big things both in and out of small spaces.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1952, frozen peas were sold for the first time. 

- They were invented by some Eskimos in Alaska, and later “Birdseye” changed the spelling from “Pees” to “Peas” which really helped sales! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our brand-spanking new Podcast (#17)!

-Dick

Kim Kardashian: Just An Old-Fashioned Girl... No Ifs, Ands or Butts!

Kim Kardashian has released a statement to her fans insisting that her 72 day marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries was “for love” not profit or publicity.  She claims she’s a hopeless romantic who believed in the fairy tale and just wants a “normal life with babies and all that” just like everyone else. 

- You know, a “normal life”… where you’re paid millions of dollars to have your entire life filmed and shown on TV! 

- She just wanted the traditional White Picket Fence… around a 20,000 sq. ft. mansion. Is that too much to ask? 

- I’m just glad they didn’t stay married long enough to have kids. If she gave birth naturally, everyone in the country would have had to buy a 50-inch TV to actually see the delivery. 

Guess Who Could Have Saved Nicole Brown's Simpson's Life???

Kim Karsashian’s publicity-hound mom, Kris Jenner, is making an interesting claim in her new book:  She says she could have saved Nicole Brown Simpson’s life.  She insists Nicole called her on the morning of her murder and begged her to meet, saying she had something “very important” to tell her.  But Kris, former wife of O.J. defender Robert Kardashian, was too busy with her kids and pushed the get-together back to the next day. The next day, obviously, was too late. 

- She says she’s always been haunted by her decision and decided to unburden her heart in a book… just in time for the Christmas shopping season!  

Bieber: "No Baby, Baby, Baby!"

Justin Bieber is denying claims by a 20-year-old woman that he is the father of her 3-month-old baby. Mariah Yeater claims that she had sex with Bieber after attending one of his concerts in L.A. in October of 2010. She alledges she was taken backstage by a security guard to meet Bieber, who told her he wanted to take her somewhere they could “be alone”. They ended up in a bathroom where the two had sex.  She claims Bieber said it was his “first time” and that the entire encounter lasted 30 seconds.  

- If I was Justin, I’d be less embarrassed by the “baby thing” and more embarrassed by the “30 second thing!” 

- If only she’d filmed it and put in on YouTube! That way the baby could start his career the same way his daddy did! 

- Yeater also said, he “didn’t even have the decency to drive me home”.  Well, duh! He was only 16 and not allowed after dark! 

The Freshman Fifteen: The Proof IS NOT In The Pudding!

Researchers from Ohio State and U of M say they’ve debunked the long-held “Freshman 15” weight gain theory. They say that most college students gain less than 15 pounds over their entire four years in college. 

- Or in the case of the Ohio State students… their entire 10 years in college.  

"Swedish Lunch Lady Gone Wild!"

Students at a school in a small town in Sweden complained that the cafeteria food was inedible, so the lunch ladies offered them pancakes instead.  When those were served still frozen in the middle, more complaints rolled in.  One lunch lady got so fed up with the criticism, she took off her apron, unzipped her pants, and began rubbing up and down on a pole like a pole dancer.  An official said that was not acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing.  

- The students were really impressed with her tater tots.  

- Here’s an idea, instead of rubbing up and down on the pole, why not just put the pancakes in the microwave?

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, President Truman narrowly won relection over Republican Thomas E. Dewey. The polls had Truman so far down, one newspaper had already hit the stands with the headline, “Dewey Defeats Truman!”

- With “Huey” and “Louie” coming in 2nd and 3rd.    

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

"I Did Not Make A Non-Sexual Gesture... To That Woman... Miss Whoever!"

GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is denying reports by Politico.com that he sexually harrassed two women back in the ’90s.  The article claimed two unnamed women accused him of saying things and making non-sexual gestures that made them uncomfortable.  One claimed she was offended when he told her she was about the same height as his wife and put his hand at his chin and said, “She comes up to my chin”. Cain said she demanded a lot of cash, lawyers offered her an amount equal to severance pay, and she dropped the suit and left.

- Apparently this woman doesn’t believe in “taking it on the chin”.  

- I could see where she would have been offended if Cain’s wife was a dwarf… but c’mon!

- When Bill Clinton heard he replied, “What’s a non-sexual gesture?”

From The "I Didn't See That One Coming" Department...

Yesterday, Kim Karsashian announced that she is divorcing NBA player Kris Humpries, just 72 days after their super media-hyped wedding.  The nuptials aired on a two-day edition of her reality show and reportedly made her $18 million in TV deals, photo rights, sponsorships and product placements.  Humpries says he was “blindsided” by the news, and Kim, citing “irreconcilible differences”,  said “this was not an easy decision”.  

- She was going to file for divorce last week, but she hadn’t decided whether to sign an endorsement deal with Kleenex or Puffs to use in the pictures of her crying. 

- If those two crazy, love-sick kids can’t make it… what hope is there for the rest of us? 

As for the divorce settlement, it looks like Kris will come up empty-handed. Kim had him sign a pre-nup and he won’t get a dime.  Plus, under California law, she gets to keep the $2-point-something Million dollar engagement ring. 

- Of course in additon to all the money, Kim gets to keep all her ass-ets.  

Ghastly Smell Horrifies Ghosts...

York Dungeon, a Halloween attraction in England, has started giving complimentary deodorant to visitors.  The unusual freebie began after actors who play the ghosts and monsters complained about visitors who get so scared, they sweat profusely.  They say that after performing for up to 10 hours a day, they are getting “overwhelmed” by the public’s body odor.  

- It’s sort of like an “Occupy Wall Street” protest if it were held indoors. 

- The smell was so bad, even the mummy’s became unraveled. 

- They actually shut the exhibit down after a Mr. Michael Moore came through. 

That's Just How The Ball Bounces!

Doctors at Queen’s University in Ontario used ultrasound to examine a suspicious mass in a man’s testicle. They were startled when the image appeared to show a man’s face in the testicle, staring back at them with his mouth agape. Urologists wrote off the face in the testicle as a conicidence “rather than a divine proclamation” and removed the testicle.  The mass inside turned out to be harmless.  

- When doctors first reported the finding, everyone said they were nuts.   

- Now there are two men with their mouths agage:  The one in the testicle… and the one who just had his testicle removed for no reason.  

Lindsay Lohan Trying To Cheat (With) Death...

Lindsay Lohan is due in court tomorrow for sentencing on her alleged probation violation and she’s pulling out all the stops to avoid what most see as inevitable jail time.  Lilo allegedly wrote a letter to the head of the Morgue where she’s been doing “community service”, begging him to write her a glowing letter of recommendation for the judge.  He said “no dice” - not suprisingly, since Lohan usually shows up late, when she shows up at all.

- Lindsay figures it doesn’t matter if you’re late getting to the morgue… it’s not like the people are going anywhere.

- The morgue is actually like Lindsay’s house after a party: A bunch of naked people lying around on tables. 

- The cornoner said he got suspicious of Lindsay when she asked about the alcohol content of embalming fluid. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1896, National Geographic magazine ran its first photo of a bare-breasted woman.  And on this same day in 1982, the Playboy Channel was launched.

- Causing sales of National Georgraphic magazine to plummet.   

Speaking of sales… coming soon “The Best of Dick Purtan - Volume 10”! It’s a compilation of “The Best Of” from my show in the last few years leading up to my retirement.  Your purchase of the CD will benefit two Michigan-based Military charities:  Honor Flight, which flies WWII vets to the memorial in Washington, DC and Operation Homefront which helps out veterans from wars - both past and present - and their families. Stay tuned for details!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Coming Soon! The Best of Purtan Volume 10...Your Chance to Laugh AND Honor Michigan Veterans Past & Present

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…The All New Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Volume 10 is coming to town! It’s a collection of your favorite characters and conversations from the last few years leading up to my retirement.  

We’re wrapping up the last minute details so you’ll have plenty of time to order and wrap up my FINAL BEST OF CD as the perfect stocking stuffer.  Stay tuned for more information!  

Plus, as we mentioned during this past Friday’s podcast, we’re honored and privileged to be teaming up with two great Michigan-based military charities to help give back to those who have sacrificed so much.  Your purchase of the Best of Purtan Volume 10 will go towards helping (military drum roll please)…

Providing emergency financial and other assistance to the families of our service members and wounded warriors.

Operation Homefront

Building a permanent monument at Memorial Park in Royal Oak to honor the legacy of the service men and women from Michigan who have heroically and selflessly served our nation and our great state.

Honor Flight Michigan

Visit Operation Homefront and Honor Flight’s websites linked above to learn more about these two great organizations.  Together, we can honor our past while supporting the present.  And remember to check back here,  at dickpurtan.com, for updates on how to order the Best of Purtan Volume 10 to support this great cause.

Thanks in advance for all your support!