Grown-Ups Go Gaga For Halloween!

Apparently Halloween isn’t just for kids anymore… Lingerie expert Jada Michaels says that the holiday has changed from being about the little ones trick-or-treating to a holiday for adults to engage in sexy role play. She says, “Halloween is the one time when it’s okay to wear those sexy costumes we dream of wearing without anyone holding judgement”.  She suggests starting with a character you think is sexy, like Lady Gaga, then making it your own by adding a leopard print bra or fishnet stockings. 

- Now they tell us!  And to think that meat dress I bought my wife just passed the “wear or freeze by” date last week! 

- Actually, Lady Gaga usually wears fishnet stockings… but they’re made out of real fish.  

The Obama's Introduce "Sugar Stimulus Package"

Saturday night, President and Mrs. Obama greeted trick-or-treaters who lined up at the White House.  The President had joked to Jay Leno that he warned Michelle that if she didn’t want the White House to be egged, they’d better not give out just fruit and raisins to promote her healthy eating campaign. Sure enough, they did give out raisins, but they also included M&M’s and a cookie. 

- The President even wore a costume.  He went as a guy who got elected to a second term. 

- The “Occupy Wall Street” protesters immediately demanded that all the kids give them half of everything they got under their “Share the Candy” campaign.  

At This Wedding... The Groom Was The "Something Old... And Something Blue" Part!

Widower Hazi Abdul Noor of India was married last weekend in front of 500 guests.  He is believed to have set a new record as the “World’s Oldest Groom”.  His son said it wasn’t easy finding a bride for someone over 100, but they did, “though she’s half his age.” Noor is 120.  His new bride is 60. 

- Instead of a pre-nup, she insisted that he sign a “DNR” at the local hospital. 

- In lieu of rice, guests pelted the happy couple with handfuls of Viagra. 

- They met on eOne-Foot-In-The-Grave.com

- She registered for linens.  He registered for a casket.  

Nancy's Nip-Slip Scarier Than Freddy Krueger?

It’s been over a month since a live broadcast of DWTS aired with what some people thought was a glimpse of Nancy Grace’s right nipple peeking out above her tight, low-cut costume.  Grace denies it, claiming she was wearing “Breast Petals”, adhesive pads that cover the nipples.  But the SmokingGun.com reports that many viewers have filed complaints with the FCC claiming that it was done deliberately to generate ratings and even some parents who say the sight of Grace’s nipple “scared and traumatized” their children.  

- If DWTS really wanted to “scare and traumatize” kids and grown-ups, they would have put a hidden camera in Chaz Bono’s dressing room.  

- In my day, I was “scared and traumatized” when I saw a picture of my crazy Aunt Helen fully dressed.  

Oct-Snow-Brrrr!

A record early snowstorm dropped up to 31 inches of snow across the Northeast over the weekend.  It knocked out power to millions and is testing the resolve of the “Occupy Wall Street Protesters, who vowed to stay there through the winter, come what may.  Last week, the New York Fire Department confiscated their space heaters as a fire hazzard.  

- They would huddle together for warmth, but no one can stand the smell. 

- In related news, the White House is touting the heavy snowfall as an example of more “shovel ready” jobs.  

Have a great day… a safe Halloween… and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #16: From Rubber Duckies to Gadhafi Forgot To Duck... Plus BIG Announcement!!

Hope you’re enjoying your weekend!  In our latest Podacast “episode” we touch on a wide range of topics from new revelations about Moammar Gadhafi’s hair to Lindsay Lohan’s decision to bare-all in Playboy.  And speaking of “touching on things”… Bill Clinton drops by to talk about his recent birthday serenade by Lady Gaga and, with the help of Larry King, we re-create one of my very favorite moments from my days on the air. 

Speaking of my radio show, we also share some important information about what promises to be this years hottest Holiday gift (if you don’t count the “As Seen On TV” Hard Boiled Egg Cooker). Yes… I’ve got a new CD coming out… “The Best of Purtan #10”.  It’s the “Best Of” from my last three years on the show — stuff we did after the last CD we put out in 2006.  It will be on sale in just a few weeks and will benefit two Military charities:  “Operation Homefront” and “Honor Flight” - both of which are dedicated to helping the men and women who have served us so well in wars - both past and present - and their families.  Details will be coming your way soon!  

In the meantime, as your trying on your Halloween costume (I’m going as Chaz Bono)… click on the link below for Podcast #16!  

Have a great rest of the weekend!  

Purtan Podcast #16: 10/18/11   (25min. 29sec.)

-Dick  

P.S. Go Blue! Go Green! Go Lions! Go Wings!

Guess Which One Of These Men Wouldn't Loan You His Lawnmower?

The Washington Post reports that pollster Peter Hart asked a dozen Ohio voters to describe the GOP candidates in everyday terms. Among the results:  They saw Herman Cain as likeable and a good neighbor. But they described Rick Perry as annoying, the kind of neighbor who builds a fence around his property, and someone who wouldn’t be on the casserole committee.  

- Perry would insist on being on the “Super Casserole Committee”. 

- Herman Cain would probably bring his famous “9-9-9 Layer dip”. 

- Respondents also said they think Bill Clinton’s idea of bringing a “dish to pass” would be an intern.   

Shocking News: Bernie Madoff NOT Good At Math Afterall!

Ruth Madoff, wife of disgraced financier Bernie Madoff who bilked thousands of people out of billions of dollars in a decades long Ponzi scheme has finally broken her silence with some explosive news.  She says that on Christmas Eve 2008, after the couple’s sons ratted out their father to authorities, the two of them tried to kill themselves. She claims they took a bunch of pills to escape the intense media scrutiny, but ended up waking up the next morning.  

- So Bernie was smart enough to rip off billions of dollars but couldn’t figure out how many sleeping pills it would take to induce the big dirt nap?  

- So it turns out Bernie’s clients weren’t the only ones who wanted to kill him. 

Bette Midler: Nothing "Divine" About Geraldo!

Bette Midler let it all hang out on a recent appearance on “The Joy Behar Show”. When asked about a sexual encounter she had with Geraldo Rivera years ago she said in part, “Ew… It was nothing to write home about”. Geraldo admitted he’d slept with over a thousand women in a memoir published in 1991.  Among his conquests: Bette, Liza Minelli, Judy Collins and tennis great Chris Evert.  

- Bette also admitted that Geraldo suffered from flatulance… giving her the idea for the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

- So Geraldo can say one thing that Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest can’t: He actually had sex with her!

- These days, the only women whose names are associated with Geraldo are hurricanes.

Chinese "Take Out" Sex & Fun From Television...

China’s communist leaders are trying to take back control of TV by cracking down on what shows are broadcast. Television stations there can no longer air shows with sexual content that are “overly-entertaining”. 

- So now the only American TV show allowed to be seen in China will be “Wolf Blitzer’s: The Situation Room”. 

NEWSFLASH: Hitler Alive And Attending Preschool!

A New Jersey couple who had their children taken away to foster homes 33 months ago after it was discovered they’d named them “Adolf Hitler” and “Aryan Nation” are complaing that they still don’t have them back, even after a court found them innocent of child abuse.  

- The mother said, “we just want them home so they can meet their new baby brother, Moamaar Gadhafi!”

When Push Comes To Shove... Giving Birth Is An "Art Form"

Performance artist Marni Kotak gave birth to a baby boy Tuesday morning in front of an audience at the Microscope Gallery in Brooklyn.  Kotak specializes in reenacting events from her own life, including losing her virginity in a car. She said she decided to give birth in public to show “This amazing life performance that is essentially hidden from public view”.  A video tape of the birth is available for sale.  

- It was a lot like watching a mime trying to escape from an imaginary box, but with a lot more screaming. 

- Not surprisingly, she named her little boy, “Art”. 

- One museum goer said “the birth was okay… but I thought her performance was much better in the ‘losing her virginity in the car’ exhibit”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1901, boxer shorts were introduced. Prior to that, men wore heavy, tight-fitting undergarments. 

- Men found out about it in the “News Briefs” section of their local paper.  

- One man was so happy he shouted, “Free at last… free at last… God Almighty my boys are free at last!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our shiny, brand new Podcast (#16)!

-Dick  

"Smashing Pumpkins" Give Surprise Performance On I-696!

Commuters on 696 near Orchard Lake Road this morning faced a rather unusual delay after a truck carrying a load of pumpkins dropped it’s cargo all over the freeway.  Witnesses said that hundreds and hundreds of the orange gourds covered the street and ended up smashed by passing motorists.  The area was closed down briefly while snow plow equipment was brought in to scoop up the pulverized pumkins.

- The Obama Adminstration said it was another example of a “shovel ready job”.

- The man driving the truck has been identified as a “Mr. Jack O. Ass”.

- At first motorists thought the pumpkins were orange construction cones until they realized there were actually crews WORKING there!

Obama: Campaign Not "Amazing Race", More Like "Survivor"!

President Obama spent Tuesday in L.A., appearing on the “Tonight” show, where he told Jay Leno that the GOP primary was like the reality show “Survivor” and he wouldn’t engage his opponents until they’d voted everyone off the island.  

- Actually, living in America today is a lot like “Survivor”… People have lost their shirts and all of the candidates are feeding us stuff that’s really hard to swallow.

Chaz Bono Gets The Boot... And Let's Loose With Newly Acquired Testosterone!

Last night, Chaz Bono was finally voted off “Dancing with the Stars”, but he didn’t take it well.  He railed angrily about the judges referring to him as looking like a “cute, fluffy penguin,” and other fat references. He later agreed with Jimmy Kimmel that there’s a sexual double standard: fat women who lose weight during the competition are praised, while fat men are always made fun of.

- Chaz shouldn’t judge overweight women until he’s walked a mile in their shoes… oh wait, he did that for years!   

- Chaz later apologized for his outburst saying he was suffering from He-MS.

- To most Americans, this is bigger news than Gadhafi being killed!

"Early To Bed, Early To Rise..."

Researchers at a hospital in Portugal say it’s not just men who are plagued by the problem of finishing too early during sex.  A survey of Portugese women found that 40% occasionally reach the big “O” sooner than they intended, and for about 3% it’s a chronic problem.  The lead reseacher said that while rarely discussed, “Female premature orgasm is more than bothersome.  We think it’s as serious a distress as it is in men.” 

- 90% of the women later admitted they gave fake answers on the questionaire.  

- There’s a new dating website designed to help these men and women find each other… it’s called eQuick-as-Me.com. 

"Hello, Good Buy?"

One of John Lennon’s molars fell out in the ‘60’s and was given to his housekeeper. She kept it as a family heirloom for over 40 years, but her family finally plans to try to sell it next month.  They’re not certain if it will be seen as the rarest of Beatles artifacts or just “disgusting and weird”.  It’s slightly yellow and has a cavity, but the reserve price is $16,000. 

- I vote for “disgusting and weird”.

- Some people would give their eye teeth for John Lennon’s molar! 

- To make the event more exciting, instead of a gavel the auctioneer will use Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. 

- Personally, I’m saving my money for Yoko Ono’s next musical offering! 

Possibly The Worst Decision Ever Made In The History Of The World...

Allan Williams, the Beatles’ very first manager says that 50 years later, he still loses sleep over dumping the band. He agreed to sell his contract with the group to Brian Epstein for 14 dollars US, but warned him against it, telling him “Don’t touch them with a BLEEP-ing bargepole, they will let you down.”

- He later became a minister, changed his name to Harold Camping and began making predictions about the end of the world.  

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#15) with special guest stars Wendell Ledbetter and The Story Lady! 

See you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Maybe They Should Call It "Air Force # One"...

If President Obama hopes to get the “Occupy Wall Street” protester vote, he might want to stop dropping frozen sewage on their hands. As Air Force One was coming in for a landing in Las Vegas yesterday, a 50 pound chunk of “blue ice” fell off the plane, plummeting to Earth and landing just a few feet from the tents of a some OWS protesters.  Blue ice is frozen leakage from the planes toilet tanks mixed with blue disinfectant.

- Haven’t these people taken enough crap?

- Apparently the administration was trying to turn Nevada from a “Red” to a “Blue” State. 

- The adminstration tried to cover the story up, but it was released by “Willie-Leaks”. 

- I would expect something like this would happen from a plane carrying members of the GOP-ee.