Kwame & The Wings Both Score!

Kwame Kilpatrick and the state of Texas have negociated a new deal on the restitution payments he owes the city of Detroit.  Under the new plan, his dishonor is now $62.80 ahead of schedule on his 448 year plan to pay $160.00 per month towards the $860,000 he still owes the city of Detroit. 

- The payment schedule was negotiated by Kwame’s new accountant, a Mr. B. Madoff.

Speaking of “Ducking Things”… 

Congratulations to Red Wings who broke their six game losing streak by beating the Anaheim Ducks 5-0 on Saturday! 

Did Cain "Score"? Still Undecided...

Over the weekend, the accuser who was reportedly going to make a bombshell public announcement about alleged sexual harrassment by Herman Cain instead released a statement saying it wasn’t worth giving up her privacy. Cain is still doing well in the polls and took in a record $2 million in donations since the accusations hit. 

- So if you want to help get Cain elected, make an anonymous sexual harrassment charge against him and watch the money roll in!  

- In keeping with his tax proposal theme, Cain responded to the allegations by saying, “Nein-Nein-Nein!”

Baby Rumors Don't "Rattle" Bieber!

Justin Bieber has denied ever meeting the woman who claims he fathered her baby during an alleged 30 second romp after a concert last year.  He is demanding a DNA test to prove he’s not the father, then plans to sue for defamation.  He claims he always goes straight to a limo and home after the shows. 

- He has a limo driver so he can play “Super Mario Bros.” on his DS on the ride home. 

- Justin’s mom said it’s possible he could accidentally be the father because, “He’s so young, I haven’t had ‘The Talk’ with him yet.

Meanwhile the woman’s ex-boyfriend told the New York Post that “it’s a scam,” and that she first tried to tell him he was the father, but that was impossible since they hadn’t even been in the same state within months of the conception. 

- This woman is obviously in the state of confusion!

- Two words:  Bill Clinton. 

- Two more words:  John Edwards. 

Talk About Over Reacting!

Thursday in Minnesota, a district judge threw out former wrestler/Gov. Jesse Ventura’s lawsuit against the TSA, claiming their patdowns constitute unlawful searches. Ventura railed to cameras that he had lost his patriotism and would never stand for the National Anthem again, but would turn his back and raise his fist. He is also considering moving to Mexico or running for President of “the Fascist States of America”.  

- I guess he’s still wrestling with his decision. 

- Hey kids:  This is a former Governor.  This is a former Governor on steroids.  

- He’d better plan on driving to Mexico or he’s going to have to face another TSA patdown.

Newsflash from N-ASS-A

At around 6:30 p.m. EST today, a huge asteroid, over 1300 feet in diameter will pass by the Earth closer than the moon.  It’s the first time since 1976 that anything this big has come this close, but NASA says there is “no chance that this object will collide with either the earth or the moon”.

- If it did however, they say the impact would be similar to Kim Kardashian sky-diving, forgetting to pull the rip cord, and landing on her butt. 

Sounds Like A Turkey To Me!

In a new twist for Holiday TV specials, ABC has signed Lady Gaga to star in “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving” on Thanksgiving Day.  She’ll perform a mix of her own songs and standard holiday fare like, “White Christmas”. She’ll also be interviewed by Katic Couric, deep-fry a turkey, and sing a duet with Tony Bennett. 

- I expect Tony’s gonna look just as confused as Bing Crosby did when he sang “The Little Drummer Boy” with David Bowie. 

- In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, Lada Gaga will wear a dress made out of raw Turkey instead of red meat. 

- In her version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” the nine ladies dancing have a Bad Romance with the ten lords a leaping and everyone ends up with an STD. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1805, Lewis and Clark sighted the Pacific Ocean for the first time. 

- Prompting Lewis to say to Clark, “Look! I can see Sarah Palin’s house from here!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #17: From The Sublime To The Ridicul-ASS!

Happy Friday… In today’s Podcast we have a round table discussion (actually my dining room table where we sit to record these is more rectangular) about the craziness that seems to be permeating not only pop culture but even politics these days.  Bill Clinton joins us to analyze the Herman Cain situation and we bring you the very lastest on two of the greatest women this country has produced since Eleanor Roosevelt and Amelia Earhart: Yep, Kim Kardashian and Linsday Lohan!  

There’s plenty of other “stuff” too… including more information about the upcoming release of my new “Best of Purtan - Volume 10” CD:  What it is, who it benefits and when and where you can get it in plenty of time for the holidays!  

Enjoy the Podcast… twice if you like … with the clocks turning back an hour at 2am on Sunday, you’ll have some extra time on your hands!  

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #17   (27min. 03sec.)

Lindsay Sentenced To 300 Days: Set To Serve About An Hour!

Lindsay Lohan is headed to the slammer… sort of… for violating her probation.  Yesterday, a judge said, “You need structure. This is structure.” She sentenced LiLo to 300 days in jail and said she would serve it all if she failed to comply with probation.  But it was reduced to 30 days due to jail overcrowding, and for the same reason she’ll likely only serve 6 of the 30. But it gets better: Most people sentenced to 90 days or less are just processed and released. But a spokesman for the Sheriff said she might be in jail “as long as overnight”.  

- Lindsay said, “Great! I love one-night stands!”

- So basically the judge put her in a “time out” to think about what she’s done. 

- I’m so sick of Linsday’s antics… I’d rather have them let the Menendez brothers out and let her take one of their cells.  

Lindsay also caught a break when the judge delayed the start of her jail term until Friday, so she could have time to finish shooting her nude spread for Playboy. 

- If she goes right from the photo shoot to jail… she won’t have to bother getting undressed for the “strip search”. 

Macy's Claims Thousands of Soles!

Macy’s in New York’s Herald Square is undergoing a $400 million dollar renovation that will create the world’s largest shoe department.  It will offer 39,000 sq. feet of “fashion and luxury footwear” and hold 300,000 pairs of shoes.   

- That’s just one pair less than Oprah’s shoe closet holds! 

- Up until now, you had to go to Washington, D.C. if you wanted to see that many heels on one room. 

- This is gonna make DSW look like a phone booth.  

- The head of Macy’s shoe department calls it “An unprecedented feet.”

Obama Makes A Killing On New "Forbes" List!

Forbe’s has released it new listing of the world’s most powerful people, and this year, Barack Obama has knocked Chinese President Hu Jinto out of the #1 spot.  They credit Obama’s rise to number one to the killings of Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi. 

- Ironically, the “Most Powerful Person In The World” plaque they gave Obama had a “Made in China” sticker on it. 

- Hu Jinto is already hard at work putting together a list of people to kill so he can be re-claim the #1 spot next year! 

"Unfriending" Causes Relationship To Go Up In Flames...

Jennifer Christine Haris of Iowa is facing first-degree arson charges for allegedly setting another woman’s garage on fire.  Polie say the two women were long-time facebook friends, but they recently had a dispute, and Harris was furious that the victim had “unfriended” her. 

- Harris was easy to nab, since she posted pictures of herself standing in front of the burning garage on her facebook page! 

- If convicted, Harris will join “MySpace”… which in her case will be an 8’ X 10’ cell.  

- She was really just mad because the woman kept beating her at “Words With Friends” . 

When Push Comes To Shove... She's A Good Driver!

20-year-old Emma French of Scotland was pregnant, and her water broke at 4 a.m.  But she’d waited a long time for a driving test scheduled at 8:40.  So she took the test without telling the examiner she was having contractions every 10 minutes.  She passed the test, then drove herself to the hospital were she gave birth to a daughter that night.  She said the nurses were confused because she kept getting congrats on the baby and the driving test. 

- The instructor gave her high marks for Parallel parking… apparently she’s good at getting big things both in and out of small spaces.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1952, frozen peas were sold for the first time. 

- They were invented by some Eskimos in Alaska, and later “Birdseye” changed the spelling from “Pees” to “Peas” which really helped sales! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our brand-spanking new Podcast (#17)!

-Dick

Kim Kardashian: Just An Old-Fashioned Girl... No Ifs, Ands or Butts!

Kim Kardashian has released a statement to her fans insisting that her 72 day marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries was “for love” not profit or publicity.  She claims she’s a hopeless romantic who believed in the fairy tale and just wants a “normal life with babies and all that” just like everyone else. 

- You know, a “normal life”… where you’re paid millions of dollars to have your entire life filmed and shown on TV! 

- She just wanted the traditional White Picket Fence… around a 20,000 sq. ft. mansion. Is that too much to ask? 

- I’m just glad they didn’t stay married long enough to have kids. If she gave birth naturally, everyone in the country would have had to buy a 50-inch TV to actually see the delivery. 

Guess Who Could Have Saved Nicole Brown's Simpson's Life???

Kim Karsashian’s publicity-hound mom, Kris Jenner, is making an interesting claim in her new book:  She says she could have saved Nicole Brown Simpson’s life.  She insists Nicole called her on the morning of her murder and begged her to meet, saying she had something “very important” to tell her.  But Kris, former wife of O.J. defender Robert Kardashian, was too busy with her kids and pushed the get-together back to the next day. The next day, obviously, was too late. 

- She says she’s always been haunted by her decision and decided to unburden her heart in a book… just in time for the Christmas shopping season!  

Bieber: "No Baby, Baby, Baby!"

Justin Bieber is denying claims by a 20-year-old woman that he is the father of her 3-month-old baby. Mariah Yeater claims that she had sex with Bieber after attending one of his concerts in L.A. in October of 2010. She alledges she was taken backstage by a security guard to meet Bieber, who told her he wanted to take her somewhere they could “be alone”. They ended up in a bathroom where the two had sex.  She claims Bieber said it was his “first time” and that the entire encounter lasted 30 seconds.  

- If I was Justin, I’d be less embarrassed by the “baby thing” and more embarrassed by the “30 second thing!” 

- If only she’d filmed it and put in on YouTube! That way the baby could start his career the same way his daddy did! 

- Yeater also said, he “didn’t even have the decency to drive me home”.  Well, duh! He was only 16 and not allowed after dark! 

The Freshman Fifteen: The Proof IS NOT In The Pudding!

Researchers from Ohio State and U of M say they’ve debunked the long-held “Freshman 15” weight gain theory. They say that most college students gain less than 15 pounds over their entire four years in college. 

- Or in the case of the Ohio State students… their entire 10 years in college.  

"Swedish Lunch Lady Gone Wild!"

Students at a school in a small town in Sweden complained that the cafeteria food was inedible, so the lunch ladies offered them pancakes instead.  When those were served still frozen in the middle, more complaints rolled in.  One lunch lady got so fed up with the criticism, she took off her apron, unzipped her pants, and began rubbing up and down on a pole like a pole dancer.  An official said that was not acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing.  

- The students were really impressed with her tater tots.  

- Here’s an idea, instead of rubbing up and down on the pole, why not just put the pancakes in the microwave?

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, President Truman narrowly won relection over Republican Thomas E. Dewey. The polls had Truman so far down, one newspaper had already hit the stands with the headline, “Dewey Defeats Truman!”

- With “Huey” and “Louie” coming in 2nd and 3rd.    

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick