"I Did Not Make A Non-Sexual Gesture... To That Woman... Miss Whoever!"

GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is denying reports by Politico.com that he sexually harrassed two women back in the ’90s.  The article claimed two unnamed women accused him of saying things and making non-sexual gestures that made them uncomfortable.  One claimed she was offended when he told her she was about the same height as his wife and put his hand at his chin and said, “She comes up to my chin”. Cain said she demanded a lot of cash, lawyers offered her an amount equal to severance pay, and she dropped the suit and left.

- Apparently this woman doesn’t believe in “taking it on the chin”.  

- I could see where she would have been offended if Cain’s wife was a dwarf… but c’mon!

- When Bill Clinton heard he replied, “What’s a non-sexual gesture?”

From The "I Didn't See That One Coming" Department...

Yesterday, Kim Karsashian announced that she is divorcing NBA player Kris Humpries, just 72 days after their super media-hyped wedding.  The nuptials aired on a two-day edition of her reality show and reportedly made her $18 million in TV deals, photo rights, sponsorships and product placements.  Humpries says he was “blindsided” by the news, and Kim, citing “irreconcilible differences”,  said “this was not an easy decision”.  

- She was going to file for divorce last week, but she hadn’t decided whether to sign an endorsement deal with Kleenex or Puffs to use in the pictures of her crying. 

- If those two crazy, love-sick kids can’t make it… what hope is there for the rest of us? 

As for the divorce settlement, it looks like Kris will come up empty-handed. Kim had him sign a pre-nup and he won’t get a dime.  Plus, under California law, she gets to keep the $2-point-something Million dollar engagement ring. 

- Of course in additon to all the money, Kim gets to keep all her ass-ets.  

Ghastly Smell Horrifies Ghosts...

York Dungeon, a Halloween attraction in England, has started giving complimentary deodorant to visitors.  The unusual freebie began after actors who play the ghosts and monsters complained about visitors who get so scared, they sweat profusely.  They say that after performing for up to 10 hours a day, they are getting “overwhelmed” by the public’s body odor.  

- It’s sort of like an “Occupy Wall Street” protest if it were held indoors. 

- The smell was so bad, even the mummy’s became unraveled. 

- They actually shut the exhibit down after a Mr. Michael Moore came through. 

That's Just How The Ball Bounces!

Doctors at Queen’s University in Ontario used ultrasound to examine a suspicious mass in a man’s testicle. They were startled when the image appeared to show a man’s face in the testicle, staring back at them with his mouth agape. Urologists wrote off the face in the testicle as a conicidence “rather than a divine proclamation” and removed the testicle.  The mass inside turned out to be harmless.  

- When doctors first reported the finding, everyone said they were nuts.   

- Now there are two men with their mouths agage:  The one in the testicle… and the one who just had his testicle removed for no reason.  

Lindsay Lohan Trying To Cheat (With) Death...

Lindsay Lohan is due in court tomorrow for sentencing on her alleged probation violation and she’s pulling out all the stops to avoid what most see as inevitable jail time.  Lilo allegedly wrote a letter to the head of the Morgue where she’s been doing “community service”, begging him to write her a glowing letter of recommendation for the judge.  He said “no dice” - not suprisingly, since Lohan usually shows up late, when she shows up at all.

- Lindsay figures it doesn’t matter if you’re late getting to the morgue… it’s not like the people are going anywhere.

- The morgue is actually like Lindsay’s house after a party: A bunch of naked people lying around on tables. 

- The cornoner said he got suspicious of Lindsay when she asked about the alcohol content of embalming fluid. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1896, National Geographic magazine ran its first photo of a bare-breasted woman.  And on this same day in 1982, the Playboy Channel was launched.

- Causing sales of National Georgraphic magazine to plummet.   

Speaking of sales… coming soon “The Best of Dick Purtan - Volume 10”! It’s a compilation of “The Best Of” from my show in the last few years leading up to my retirement.  Your purchase of the CD will benefit two Michigan-based Military charities:  Honor Flight, which flies WWII vets to the memorial in Washington, DC and Operation Homefront which helps out veterans from wars - both past and present - and their families. Stay tuned for details!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Coming Soon! The Best of Purtan Volume 10...Your Chance to Laugh AND Honor Michigan Veterans Past & Present

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I’m telling you why…The All New Best of Dick Purtan & Purtan’s People Volume 10 is coming to town! It’s a collection of your favorite characters and conversations from the last few years leading up to my retirement.  

We’re wrapping up the last minute details so you’ll have plenty of time to order and wrap up my FINAL BEST OF CD as the perfect stocking stuffer.  Stay tuned for more information!  

Plus, as we mentioned during this past Friday’s podcast, we’re honored and privileged to be teaming up with two great Michigan-based military charities to help give back to those who have sacrificed so much.  Your purchase of the Best of Purtan Volume 10 will go towards helping (military drum roll please)…

Providing emergency financial and other assistance to the families of our service members and wounded warriors.

Operation Homefront

Building a permanent monument at Memorial Park in Royal Oak to honor the legacy of the service men and women from Michigan who have heroically and selflessly served our nation and our great state.

Honor Flight Michigan

Visit Operation Homefront and Honor Flight’s websites linked above to learn more about these two great organizations.  Together, we can honor our past while supporting the present.  And remember to check back here,  at dickpurtan.com, for updates on how to order the Best of Purtan Volume 10 to support this great cause.

Thanks in advance for all your support!

Grown-Ups Go Gaga For Halloween!

Apparently Halloween isn’t just for kids anymore… Lingerie expert Jada Michaels says that the holiday has changed from being about the little ones trick-or-treating to a holiday for adults to engage in sexy role play. She says, “Halloween is the one time when it’s okay to wear those sexy costumes we dream of wearing without anyone holding judgement”.  She suggests starting with a character you think is sexy, like Lady Gaga, then making it your own by adding a leopard print bra or fishnet stockings. 

- Now they tell us!  And to think that meat dress I bought my wife just passed the “wear or freeze by” date last week! 

- Actually, Lady Gaga usually wears fishnet stockings… but they’re made out of real fish.  

The Obama's Introduce "Sugar Stimulus Package"

Saturday night, President and Mrs. Obama greeted trick-or-treaters who lined up at the White House.  The President had joked to Jay Leno that he warned Michelle that if she didn’t want the White House to be egged, they’d better not give out just fruit and raisins to promote her healthy eating campaign. Sure enough, they did give out raisins, but they also included M&M’s and a cookie. 

- The President even wore a costume.  He went as a guy who got elected to a second term. 

- The “Occupy Wall Street” protesters immediately demanded that all the kids give them half of everything they got under their “Share the Candy” campaign.  

At This Wedding... The Groom Was The "Something Old... And Something Blue" Part!

Widower Hazi Abdul Noor of India was married last weekend in front of 500 guests.  He is believed to have set a new record as the “World’s Oldest Groom”.  His son said it wasn’t easy finding a bride for someone over 100, but they did, “though she’s half his age.” Noor is 120.  His new bride is 60. 

- Instead of a pre-nup, she insisted that he sign a “DNR” at the local hospital. 

- In lieu of rice, guests pelted the happy couple with handfuls of Viagra. 

- They met on eOne-Foot-In-The-Grave.com

- She registered for linens.  He registered for a casket.  

Nancy's Nip-Slip Scarier Than Freddy Krueger?

It’s been over a month since a live broadcast of DWTS aired with what some people thought was a glimpse of Nancy Grace’s right nipple peeking out above her tight, low-cut costume.  Grace denies it, claiming she was wearing “Breast Petals”, adhesive pads that cover the nipples.  But the SmokingGun.com reports that many viewers have filed complaints with the FCC claiming that it was done deliberately to generate ratings and even some parents who say the sight of Grace’s nipple “scared and traumatized” their children.  

- If DWTS really wanted to “scare and traumatize” kids and grown-ups, they would have put a hidden camera in Chaz Bono’s dressing room.  

- In my day, I was “scared and traumatized” when I saw a picture of my crazy Aunt Helen fully dressed.  

Oct-Snow-Brrrr!

A record early snowstorm dropped up to 31 inches of snow across the Northeast over the weekend.  It knocked out power to millions and is testing the resolve of the “Occupy Wall Street Protesters, who vowed to stay there through the winter, come what may.  Last week, the New York Fire Department confiscated their space heaters as a fire hazzard.  

- They would huddle together for warmth, but no one can stand the smell. 

- In related news, the White House is touting the heavy snowfall as an example of more “shovel ready” jobs.  

Have a great day… a safe Halloween… and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #16: From Rubber Duckies to Gadhafi Forgot To Duck... Plus BIG Announcement!!

Hope you’re enjoying your weekend!  In our latest Podacast “episode” we touch on a wide range of topics from new revelations about Moammar Gadhafi’s hair to Lindsay Lohan’s decision to bare-all in Playboy.  And speaking of “touching on things”… Bill Clinton drops by to talk about his recent birthday serenade by Lady Gaga and, with the help of Larry King, we re-create one of my very favorite moments from my days on the air. 

Speaking of my radio show, we also share some important information about what promises to be this years hottest Holiday gift (if you don’t count the “As Seen On TV” Hard Boiled Egg Cooker). Yes… I’ve got a new CD coming out… “The Best of Purtan #10”.  It’s the “Best Of” from my last three years on the show — stuff we did after the last CD we put out in 2006.  It will be on sale in just a few weeks and will benefit two Military charities:  “Operation Homefront” and “Honor Flight” - both of which are dedicated to helping the men and women who have served us so well in wars - both past and present - and their families.  Details will be coming your way soon!  

In the meantime, as your trying on your Halloween costume (I’m going as Chaz Bono)… click on the link below for Podcast #16!  

Have a great rest of the weekend!  

Purtan Podcast #16: 10/18/11   (25min. 29sec.)

-Dick  

P.S. Go Blue! Go Green! Go Lions! Go Wings!

Guess Which One Of These Men Wouldn't Loan You His Lawnmower?

The Washington Post reports that pollster Peter Hart asked a dozen Ohio voters to describe the GOP candidates in everyday terms. Among the results:  They saw Herman Cain as likeable and a good neighbor. But they described Rick Perry as annoying, the kind of neighbor who builds a fence around his property, and someone who wouldn’t be on the casserole committee.  

- Perry would insist on being on the “Super Casserole Committee”. 

- Herman Cain would probably bring his famous “9-9-9 Layer dip”. 

- Respondents also said they think Bill Clinton’s idea of bringing a “dish to pass” would be an intern.   

Shocking News: Bernie Madoff NOT Good At Math Afterall!

Ruth Madoff, wife of disgraced financier Bernie Madoff who bilked thousands of people out of billions of dollars in a decades long Ponzi scheme has finally broken her silence with some explosive news.  She says that on Christmas Eve 2008, after the couple’s sons ratted out their father to authorities, the two of them tried to kill themselves. She claims they took a bunch of pills to escape the intense media scrutiny, but ended up waking up the next morning.  

- So Bernie was smart enough to rip off billions of dollars but couldn’t figure out how many sleeping pills it would take to induce the big dirt nap?  

- So it turns out Bernie’s clients weren’t the only ones who wanted to kill him. 

Bette Midler: Nothing "Divine" About Geraldo!

Bette Midler let it all hang out on a recent appearance on “The Joy Behar Show”. When asked about a sexual encounter she had with Geraldo Rivera years ago she said in part, “Ew… It was nothing to write home about”. Geraldo admitted he’d slept with over a thousand women in a memoir published in 1991.  Among his conquests: Bette, Liza Minelli, Judy Collins and tennis great Chris Evert.  

- Bette also admitted that Geraldo suffered from flatulance… giving her the idea for the song, “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

- So Geraldo can say one thing that Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest can’t: He actually had sex with her!

- These days, the only women whose names are associated with Geraldo are hurricanes.

Chinese "Take Out" Sex & Fun From Television...

China’s communist leaders are trying to take back control of TV by cracking down on what shows are broadcast. Television stations there can no longer air shows with sexual content that are “overly-entertaining”. 

- So now the only American TV show allowed to be seen in China will be “Wolf Blitzer’s: The Situation Room”. 

NEWSFLASH: Hitler Alive And Attending Preschool!

A New Jersey couple who had their children taken away to foster homes 33 months ago after it was discovered they’d named them “Adolf Hitler” and “Aryan Nation” are complaing that they still don’t have them back, even after a court found them innocent of child abuse.  

- The mother said, “we just want them home so they can meet their new baby brother, Moamaar Gadhafi!”

When Push Comes To Shove... Giving Birth Is An "Art Form"

Performance artist Marni Kotak gave birth to a baby boy Tuesday morning in front of an audience at the Microscope Gallery in Brooklyn.  Kotak specializes in reenacting events from her own life, including losing her virginity in a car. She said she decided to give birth in public to show “This amazing life performance that is essentially hidden from public view”.  A video tape of the birth is available for sale.  

- It was a lot like watching a mime trying to escape from an imaginary box, but with a lot more screaming. 

- Not surprisingly, she named her little boy, “Art”. 

- One museum goer said “the birth was okay… but I thought her performance was much better in the ‘losing her virginity in the car’ exhibit”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1901, boxer shorts were introduced. Prior to that, men wore heavy, tight-fitting undergarments. 

- Men found out about it in the “News Briefs” section of their local paper.  

- One man was so happy he shouted, “Free at last… free at last… God Almighty my boys are free at last!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our shiny, brand new Podcast (#16)!

-Dick