"Smashing Pumpkins" Give Surprise Performance On I-696!

Commuters on 696 near Orchard Lake Road this morning faced a rather unusual delay after a truck carrying a load of pumpkins dropped it’s cargo all over the freeway.  Witnesses said that hundreds and hundreds of the orange gourds covered the street and ended up smashed by passing motorists.  The area was closed down briefly while snow plow equipment was brought in to scoop up the pulverized pumkins.

- The Obama Adminstration said it was another example of a “shovel ready job”.

- The man driving the truck has been identified as a “Mr. Jack O. Ass”.

- At first motorists thought the pumpkins were orange construction cones until they realized there were actually crews WORKING there!

Obama: Campaign Not "Amazing Race", More Like "Survivor"!

President Obama spent Tuesday in L.A., appearing on the “Tonight” show, where he told Jay Leno that the GOP primary was like the reality show “Survivor” and he wouldn’t engage his opponents until they’d voted everyone off the island.  

- Actually, living in America today is a lot like “Survivor”… People have lost their shirts and all of the candidates are feeding us stuff that’s really hard to swallow.

Chaz Bono Gets The Boot... And Let's Loose With Newly Acquired Testosterone!

Last night, Chaz Bono was finally voted off “Dancing with the Stars”, but he didn’t take it well.  He railed angrily about the judges referring to him as looking like a “cute, fluffy penguin,” and other fat references. He later agreed with Jimmy Kimmel that there’s a sexual double standard: fat women who lose weight during the competition are praised, while fat men are always made fun of.

- Chaz shouldn’t judge overweight women until he’s walked a mile in their shoes… oh wait, he did that for years!   

- Chaz later apologized for his outburst saying he was suffering from He-MS.

- To most Americans, this is bigger news than Gadhafi being killed!

"Early To Bed, Early To Rise..."

Researchers at a hospital in Portugal say it’s not just men who are plagued by the problem of finishing too early during sex.  A survey of Portugese women found that 40% occasionally reach the big “O” sooner than they intended, and for about 3% it’s a chronic problem.  The lead reseacher said that while rarely discussed, “Female premature orgasm is more than bothersome.  We think it’s as serious a distress as it is in men.” 

- 90% of the women later admitted they gave fake answers on the questionaire.  

- There’s a new dating website designed to help these men and women find each other… it’s called eQuick-as-Me.com. 

"Hello, Good Buy?"

One of John Lennon’s molars fell out in the ‘60’s and was given to his housekeeper. She kept it as a family heirloom for over 40 years, but her family finally plans to try to sell it next month.  They’re not certain if it will be seen as the rarest of Beatles artifacts or just “disgusting and weird”.  It’s slightly yellow and has a cavity, but the reserve price is $16,000. 

- I vote for “disgusting and weird”.

- Some people would give their eye teeth for John Lennon’s molar! 

- To make the event more exciting, instead of a gavel the auctioneer will use Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. 

- Personally, I’m saving my money for Yoko Ono’s next musical offering! 

Possibly The Worst Decision Ever Made In The History Of The World...

Allan Williams, the Beatles’ very first manager says that 50 years later, he still loses sleep over dumping the band. He agreed to sell his contract with the group to Brian Epstein for 14 dollars US, but warned him against it, telling him “Don’t touch them with a BLEEP-ing bargepole, they will let you down.”

- He later became a minister, changed his name to Harold Camping and began making predictions about the end of the world.  

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#15) with special guest stars Wendell Ledbetter and The Story Lady! 

See you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Maybe They Should Call It "Air Force # One"...

If President Obama hopes to get the “Occupy Wall Street” protester vote, he might want to stop dropping frozen sewage on their hands. As Air Force One was coming in for a landing in Las Vegas yesterday, a 50 pound chunk of “blue ice” fell off the plane, plummeting to Earth and landing just a few feet from the tents of a some OWS protesters.  Blue ice is frozen leakage from the planes toilet tanks mixed with blue disinfectant.

- Haven’t these people taken enough crap?

- Apparently the administration was trying to turn Nevada from a “Red” to a “Blue” State. 

- The adminstration tried to cover the story up, but it was released by “Willie-Leaks”. 

- I would expect something like this would happen from a plane carrying members of the GOP-ee. 

Great McNews! The McRib Is McBack!

The McRib Sandwich, McDonald’s pork concoction that periodically appears on menus, is making a nationwide comeback again.  But bad news for fans: it will only be available through November 14th.  BTW… The McRib contains no ribs. 

- And no real pork, either. 

- Michael Moore gave the move two big fat stubby thumbs up!

- In a related story, McDonalds announced plans for the new sandwich made with aged cow lips.  It’s called, “The McJagger”.  

She Loves To Fly... And It Showed!

Gawker.com reports that TSA agents at airports are doing more than just groping passengers during searches. A female blogger says she was traveling with a sex toy in her luggage and nearly died when she got to her hotel room to unpack.  Inside her suitcase, she allegedly found a TSA luggage inspection notice form inside. On it, someone had written in pen, “GET YOUR FREAK ON, GIRL.”

- And I always thought those strange vibrations on planes where caused by the engines. 

- Hey… at least she wasn’t trying to make her underwear explode! 

- An unidentied airport employee identified the toy as a “French Tickler-Me-Elmo”. 

- Big Al got a similar note when airport security agents found his battery-operated nose hair trimmer in his luggage.  

Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan To Pose Nude (For Money This Time!)

TMZ reports that Linsday Lohan has agreed to pose naked for Playboy. Neither side would confirm or deny the story, but TMZ says Playboy offered her $750,000 months ago, but she demanded $1 million and Playboy refused.  But now they’ve come back with an offer close enough to seal the deal. She reportedly started doing the shoot last weekend, which means she was alternating doing community service in the morgue with posing nude.  

- A lot of men think Linsday posing nude should be considered “Community Service”!

- The real challenge for the photographer: Taking a picture of a part of her that we haven’t already seen a million times on the Internet.

- Well this solves Lindsay’s dilemna of what picture to send out in her Christmas cards! 

"Michelle... I'm Home!"

Jon Lovett, a former standup comic turned Obama speechwriter, is back in showbiz and has just sold a sitcom pilot to NBC that’s set in the White House. “1600 Penn” is described as the story of “a dysfunctional family that just happnes to live at the most famous address in America”. 

- He pitched a similar show during the Clinton administration, but the only Channel interested was Cinemax.

- The show also features the First Couples’ wacky friends, “Fred and Ethel Biden”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1881, artist Pablo Picasso was born. 

- His father said, “Look honey, he’s got your nose and my eyes… on the same side of his face!”

Have a great day and don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#15) with special guest stars Wendell Ledbetter and The Story Lady! — Plus a special announcement about something coming your way in just a few weeks in time for the Holidays!

See you back here Wednesday!

-Dick  

World Doesn't End... Harold Camping "Gone Fishin'"

Good news!  We’re still here!  The world DIDN’T end on Friday as predicted (again) by minister Harold Camping. He and his family have gone into hiding and his daughter said, “We have been instructed not to speak to the media.” Meanwhile, we’ll keep an eye out for you when he makes his next prognostication! 

The World didn’t end, but the unbeaten streak of the Wisconsin Badgers DID Saturday night in East Lansing! Congrats to the MSU Spartans for their great last-second victory in one the most dramatic plays in recent memory!  Go Green! 

Newsflash: Gadhafi Well Aware He'd Been Hit By Ugly Stick!

Now that he’s gone, we’re learning more about Moammar Gadhafi.  One example? Libyan authorites are trying to get back $200 Billion he stashed in secret banks accounts which made him by far the richest man in the world.

- What a shame!  He worked so hard to make sure he’d have enough to be comfortable during his “golden years”.  

Turns out he was also vain.  A plastic surgeaon revealed that Gadhafi wanted to look younger but didn’t want a facelift, so in 1995 he had fat injected from his stomach into his face and hair plugs put in.  But they didn’t take: Coroners said they tried to take a hair sample for DNA testing and it turned out his famous thick head of unruly hair - often compared to Phil Spector’s - was a toupee.  

- He had $200 Billion and that was the best looking toupee he could come up with?  

- The stylist who made that hair piece should be shot!  No, wait… I think he was. 

- Who knew Phil Spector and Moammar Gadafi had so much in common?  They both had bad hair, and they both liked to kill people!

- In retrospect, he should have just gone with the facelift.    

- Personally, I think he looked better dead than alive!

And They're Laughing All The Way To The Banks!

The Occupy Wall Street protestors are having a hard time keeping their leaderless collective model working. The Organizers put a two-hour-a-day limit on the loud drum circle and are taking half the money the musicians earn in tips.  One angry drummer said they already have over $500,000 in donations, and griped, “They’re like the banks we’re protesting.”

- Except they haven’t handed out a single toaster oven.  

- I remember a similar experiment that turned out the same way… it was called “Communism”.  

Meanwhile, Zucotti Park has become a magnet for homeless people and theives who are helping themselves to the protesters’ stuff. One woman said, “If you’re going to come here and get our food, bedding and clothing…and get medical supplies for no charge, they need to give back.  There’s a lot of takers here, and they feel entitled”.  

- She wanted to say more, but it was her turn to go collect half of the drummers’ profits.  

Mom: "I Object!" To "I Do's"...

Justin Lew Harris of Nevada is facing misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and coercion for allegedly carrying how own mother out of his wedding.  the 35-year-old Harris was was in the middle of getting married when his mom began loudly objecting to the union.  So her son ran down the aisle, picked her up and carried her out of the church.  It caused such a disruption that he was arrested and jailed for two days.  

- Where he met someone he liked even better than his fiance!  Sometimes Mom is right!

- In her defense, don’t most wedding ceremonies include the words, “If anyone here objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace”?  I guess mom just didn’t want to hold her peace!

- If every mother who objected to the girl her son was marrying actually stopped the wedding, they’re would be a lot more single guys roaming around.  

Boops Flop At Theaters Across Country!

Apparently 3D boobs aren’t enough to guarantee a blockbuster at the box office.  Despite actress Mila Jojavich apppearing in a low cut corset in the new 3D version of “The Three Muskateers”, the movie made just $9 million dollars in it’s opening weekend. Meanwhile “Paranormal Activity” - a horror movie shot mostly on cell phones - raked in $54 million setting an all-time record for an October release.  

- Apparently a lot of people wanted to “escape” by watching something less terrifying than the economy. 

- The numbers are a little skewed… a third of the $9 million made by “The Three Muskateers” actually came from Charlie Sheen who paid to watch it over and over and over. 

- I guess people realized that could spend hours watching a whole bunch of boobs for free by turning on C-Span. 

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1846, nothing important happened.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday — and don’t forget to check out our latest Podcast (#15)! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #15: "The End Of The World!"

Happy “End of the World Day”!  In case you haven’t heard, Harold Camping, the minister who predicted that we were all a goner last MAY 21st has changed that date to today!  He claims it was a mathmatical error and that after going over his figures again, TODAY, OCTOBER 21st is actually the day!  

So with the precious few hours left on this planet, we thought we’d address some of the more pressing things weighing on the minds of man and womankind alike.  Like how the female star of the upcoming 3D version of “The Three Musketeers” let “the girls” (ie: her boobs) do her ‘acting’ for her.  

We also take a look at the brighter side of the apolcalyse, including not having to repay the Chinese the money we owe them, and that it’s okay if the President’s Tele-Prompter is stolen again! 

Enjoy… and on the off-chance that this guy’s wrong… I’ll see you back here Monday!  

Purtan Podcast #15: Oct. 21, 2011 - The End Of The World… with special guest, “The Story Lady”! 

No More Moamaar!

News this morning that Moamaar Gahhafi has been captured - and killed - by Libya’s National Transition Council troops.  The deposed dictator, who had been in hiding for months, was allegedly found cowering in a hole underground a building in his hometown of Sirte.  Wearing a turban and one of his trademark khaki outfits, Gadhafi allegedly yelled “Don’t shoot!  Don’t shoot!” But the troops apparently did, striking him in both legs and his head. Although it has not been independently verified by the US, Libyan opposition leaders claim he died of his wounds.  There is also an extremely graphic photograph being shown on worldwide TV that appears to show a deceased Gadhafi.

The streets of Libya are flooded with people celebrating what appears to be the end of his tyrannical 42 year rule.