Lindsay Lohan: "At Least I Wore Underpants This Time!"

Yesterday in LA, Linsday Lohan was handcuffed and taken into custody after the Judge angily revoked her probation. Linsday’s attorney said, “Most people on probation don’t always do things perfectly.” But the judge sarcastically replied that Lindsay had gone to Europe instead of going to see her court ordered psychiatrist and had blown off her community service at a woman’s shelter because it “wasn’t fulfulling”.  She set Linsdays’ bail at the max:  $100,000.  Luckily, LiLo had brought a bail bondsman with her to court who promptly bailed her out.

- Actually it was two guys… she hired them from “Two Bail Bondsmen and a Truckload of Money”.

- When they went to cuff her, Lindsay reached into her purse and said, “Use mine.  The pink fur makes them so much more comfortable!”

- “Wasn’t fulfilling”… that was actually the nicest thing any reviewer said about Lindsay’s last movie.     

You Know It's Bad When Even The Rich Think Life Sucks!

As an indicator of just how bad the economy is, CNN pollsters asked Amercians to rate it. 47 percent said it’s “very poor”, 39 percent said “somewhat poor”, 13 percent said “somewhat good” and one percent had no opinion. But not one person said it was “very good”.  If this is an accurate poll, that means not even the so-called “one percent” that includes billionaires think the economy is very good.  

- They rate their own financial situation as “very, very good”… but the economy, not so much.  

- Proving that Donald Trump is a “Swarovski Cut-Crystal Glass Is Half Full” kind of guy.  

- The one percent who had “no opinion” are so poor they can’t afford a TV to see coverage of just how bad the economy is.  

NEWSFLASH: World To End For Second Time This Year!

Christian broadcaster Harold Camping, who incorrrectly predicted the end of the world last May, now claims that a “spiritual judgment” occured in May, and that the physical destruction of Earth is actually coming tomorrow.  

- So we all only get to live one day longer that Moamaar Ghadafi?  What a rip-off! 

- This means we’ll never get the answer to one of life’s biggest questions: Who’s gonna win the coveted Mirror Ball on this season of DWTS?

- Well I guess I won’t be going to Costco for that palate of Paper Towels and five gallon bottle of Ketchup this afternoon! 

"Mommy Weirdest"?

An unnamed woman in New Zealand is charged with misusing a phone after she alledgedy tried an unusal method of getting her teenage daughter into two prestigious private schools.  There was only one posisiton available at each school, and her daughter and another girl had applied for both. The woman admits that, posing as a nurse, she called the schools and told them that the other girl was a lesbian with an STD that needed treatment. No word on whether either girl was accepted.  

- Apparently she thought the schools based their decisions on STD’s instead of SAT’s. 

- The joke was on her when her daughter admitted that she was actually a lesbian with a Sexually Transmitted Disease! 

- She even submitted a fake essay under the other girls name titled, “Who I Did On My Summer Vacation”. 

The Most Famous Set Of "Twin Actresses" Since Kate & Ashley Olsen!

Mila Jovavich stars in the upcoming remake of “The Three Musketeers,” and she might personally revive the 3D movie craze.  She said that knowing it would be in 3D and that she would be wearing a tight, low-cut corset, she worked extra hard to look good.  She said she ate a lot of pasta and cinched the corset to maximinze her cleavage and “let the girls do the acting for me”.  Jovavich added, “I think the left one is more talented than the right.”

- Her “performance” was so impressive producers almost renamed the movie “The Two Musketeers”. 

- I think we knew that “boobs” could act after the first Adam Sandler movie was released.  

- The actors playing the Musketeers changed their famous themeline to “Two for All… and All for Two!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1944, Gen. Douglas MacArthur returned to the Phillipines, 2-1/2 years after he said thos famous words, “I shall return.”

-  He actually had to return… on his first trip he’d gotten talked into buying a time-share.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our brank-spanking new Podcast! 

-Dick

National Crisis Averted: Only Now Can Prez Talk About It...

America dodged a catastrophe Monday when a Defense Department truck that was traveling with President Obama in Virginia was stolen. The truck contained the Presidential Seal, $200,000 in communications equipment and Obama’s famous TelePrompter.  It’s the one he takes everywhere, and that’s even specially rigged to retract to the ground so TV cameras won’t catch it after speeches. The truck was later found abandoned in a Holiday Inn parking lot in Richmond.   

- While it was missing, all US military personal worldwide were put on alert!  

- The people from PETA are demanding to know what a harmless, endangered “Presidential Seal” was doing locked inside a truck!

- When asked how the President felt about the theft, White House staffers said he had “no comment”.  

- It’s the biggest crisis at the White House since someone stole the “Bill Clinton Slept Here” sign. 

Joe Biden Puts Foot In Mouth Again: Doctors Fear "Athlete's Tongue"

Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth again… and again… on Tuesday.  First, he said America should spend more on schools because our students are “the kite strings that lift our national ambitions aloft.” (The string actually holds a kite down).  Biden later said of people who oppose spending more money on public workers like the Police, that he wished they knew what if felt like to be robbed or raped, to have “a 200-pound man standing over you, telling you to submit.”

- Guess that last budget session he had with Barney Frank didn’t go as well as he’d hoped. 

- After hearing what the Veep had said, the President immediately signed an Executive Order requiring Biden to use a teleprompter at all public appearances.  

"We Didn't Mean We Wanted You To Re-Distribute OUR Wealth!"

The New York Post reports that the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters are complaining that thieves have infiltrated their camp in the park and are robbing them blind.  They’re stealing everything from cash out of the donation buckets to the protester’s cell phones and iPads.  

- But isn’t the whole idea to “Share the Wealth”? 

- Protest organizers immediately called in Tea Party members to catch and punish the crooks.

- It happened as the protesters were playing the old card game “Steal The Old Man’s Bundle”. 

Aliens Hot Topic At GOP Debate?

Last night, the GOP Presidential candidates held another debate, this time in Las Vegas in front of an audience that included Wayne Newton.  It was a snipe-filled free-for-all including attacks on Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” plan. But a lot of time was taken up by Perry and Romney bickering over Romney’s claim that half the jobs Perry created in Texas go to illegal aliens, and Perry’s charge that Romney once employed a landscaper at his mansion who hired illegal aliens. 

- A poll immediately after the debate showed they both got a huge bump among “Illegal Alien” voters. 

- It was exactly like an episode of Jerry Springer only without the chair throwing.

Carson Gets Boot On DWTS... And Enjoys It!

Last night, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s” Carson Kressley became the latest contestant to be voted off “DWTS”. The audience booed the move because even though he’s consistantly been one of the worst dancers technically, he’s so loopy and entertaining that he’s been called the “best worst dancer” the show’s ever had.  

- As opposed to Kate Gosselin who was known as the “worst worst dancer” the shows ever had. 

- He’s so flamboyant, he makes the “Village People” look like Donny & Marie and Pat Boone. 

Kwame's Not Gonna Like It When He Hears This!

A poll of over 2000 British adults by a computer magazine found that they think the most annoying tech-related word to enter the dictionary in the past year is “sexting”.  “Sexting” was given the magazines’s annual “Unspeakable Award” topping contenders “defriend,” “Twittersphere” and “intexticated.” The editor said that any word that can be voted more horrible that “intexticated” deserves an award. 

- The runner up for the “Unspeakable” Award went to “President Obama without his teleprompter”. 

- In a related tech story… Chaz Bono recently switched from a “She-mail” to a “He-mail” account. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1938, Buddy Ebsen was hospitalized after becoming seriously ill from the make-up he had to wear in “The Wizard of Oz”.  He was replaced by Jack Haley as the Tin Man.  

- After being released from the hospital, Ebsen loaded up his truck and he moved to Beverly… Hills that is… Swimmin’ pools… Movie stars.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

50% Of Americans Don't Pan Pot!

According to a new Gallup poll, 50% of Americans now believe that marijuana should be legal.  That’s the highest number ever. 

- And by “highest”, I really mean “highest”. 

- The survey was co-sponsored by Doritos and Taco Bell.   

- So your grandpa is right when he says “This country is going to pot!”

There's Money To Be Made In Protesting Money Making!

Emails between the “Occupy Wall Street” protest organizers reveal that their excited about the idea of making money off their “anti-capitalism” movement.  Harrison Shultz, one of the head protesters excitedly noted that one of the protest’s YouTube clips had “Blown Up” and Google had invited him to monetize the clip by attaching ads to it.  He also wants to “commodify” the OWS website by selling ad space to corporations.  He called his plan “a Corporate Funded Revolution” and said it was so revolutionary, it’s almost an oxymoron.  

- ALMOST???

- I thought “commodify” meant they were going to bring in more Port-a-Potty’s for the protestors.

- Somebody should write a book about this guy’s idea… no wait, somebody already did… it was called “Animal Farm”.  

New App Provides "Arresting" Development...

A NY-based phone app developer has developed a new app to help “Occupy Wall Street” protestors who get arrested.  The free app, called “I’m Getting Arrested” allows people to pre-program it with the phone numbers of your parents, lawyer and anyone else you’d want notified if you were being cuffed.  Users simply hold down a single button for two seconds and everyone on your list will be alerted that you’ve been busted.  

- It’s already the second most downloaded app among protestors… right behind “Angry Birds”. 

- Before settling on “I’m Getting Arrested” they considered calling it “Lindsay Lohan”. 

"Muppets Gone Wild"?

Sunday afternoon, someone hacked into the “Sesame Street” YouTube Channel and replaced the Muppets with explicit porn videos.  By Monday, it was fixed and “Sesame Street” issued a statement saying that Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and “the rest of the fuzzy, feathered, and googly-eyed friends you remember from childhood” were back.  

- Damn! We were this close to finding out if Bert and Ernie are really gay!

- Luckily, I had a chance to catch “Miss Piggy Does Dallas” before they took the site down. 

- So it turns out “Sesame Street” is in the red light district.  

- Turns out Kermit had a cameo in “Behind The Green Door”.  

But He's Totally Against Lois Lane Getting A Boob Job...

Herbert Chavez of the Philippines is such a fan of Superman, he’s had a slew of plastic surgery to look more like his hero.  He’s had liposuction, a rhionoplasty, silicone injections, thigh implants and a chin augmentation. Next up: surgery on his abdomen to make his abs look more like the Man of Steel’s.  BTW… he had a Superman costume as a child and still wears one today. He’s 35.

- Unfortunately, the eye surgery wasn’t successful… he still can’t see through women’s clothes.  

- As a kid I wanted to look like Superman too, but as I got older I decided to skip the plastic surgery and go with someone I more naturally resembled: Snidely Whiplash. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1870, Benjamin Chew Tilghman patented sandblasting.

- Today known in Hollywood as the “Burt Reynold’s/Bruce Jenner Procedure”.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!  

-Dick

P.S. Just a reminder… Comedian Bobby Collins will be appearing at the Comedy Castle this Thurday, Friday and Saturday!  For ticket info and reservations call 248-542-9900 or go to ComedyCastle.com.

Schwartz "Harbaughing" Grudge After Being Slapped Hard On Back By 49er's Coach Post-Game.

What happened after Sunday’s game against San Francisco is being replayed more than any moment from the game itself.  After giving Lion’s coach Jim Schwartz what the 49er’s coach Jim Harbaugh admitted was a “too hard” handshake and (if you’ve seen the tape) roughly pushing him away, Schwartz said Harbough also used expletives on him. Some say, angered, Schwartz also swore in response. The NFL is considering whether to fine one or both of them.  

Football is a tough and violent game.  After a bruising battle, I’ve always enjoyed watching the two head coaches shake hands in mid-field, one happy and the other, not so much.  It kind of wraps things up on a gentlemenly and professional note.  This kind of behavior by the so-called “cooler heads” - the ones not wearing the helmets -takes sportsmanship down a notch.  And it’s not the first time for ex-Wolverine, Harbough.  He did the same thing to Pete Carroll of USC a couple of years ago. Maybe they should start testing the coaches for steroids. 

That aside, on Sunday, the Lions looked average, not a 5-0 team.  Which are the real Lions? When push comes to shove I guess we’ll find out.  Oops… Bad analogy.