Lady Goes Ga-Ga For Clinton's 65th Birthday!

Over the weekend, a star-studded charity rock concert was held at the Hollywood Bowl for Bill Clinton’s 65th birthday.  It included a steamy Marilyn Monroe-like “Happy Birthday to You” from Lady Gaga to Clinton and his “hot wife,” Hillary.  She also changed the words to her hit, “Bad Romance” to “Bill Romance”.  Clinton said, “I am the only person in history who got to be president, who then had a post-presidential birthday party attended by both Lady Gaga and the Secretary of State.”

- Although LBJ once had a party attended by his wife Lady Byrd and was serenaded by J. Edgar Hoover dressed in drag. 

- After the show, Hillary allegedly told Gaga, “I knew Marilyn Monroe, and you, Lady, are no Marilyn Monroe.”

Bill also added that he was afraid that Lady Gaga’s provocative performance was going to give him a heart attack. 

- To which Hillary added, “I’ve got my fingers crossed!” 

- Al Gore said the performance was so hot Lady Gaga should be fined for increasing Global Warming.

The Gap's Accountants Find Problems In Column "A" and Column "B"

In another sign of changing economic times, the Gap clothing chain announced that it would reduce the number of its stores in the US to 700 by 2013, which is a 34% decline since 2007.  Meanwhile, they plan to triple the number of Gap stores in China.  

- Of course over there the stores are called the “Moo Goo Gai Gap”.

- But we’ve still got more Chinese restaurants than they do! 

Need A High Paying Job? Become A Protester!

Money and donations are pouring in to the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters. Thanks to online donations from backers like Micheal Moore, they’ve amassed a war chest of $230,000.  According to the New York Post the protestors are spending a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with the cash.   

- Duh! They should just open an account at Merrill Lynch!  

- Many of the protestors have a donut for breakfast every morning so they’ve decided to sink the whole $230,000 in Dunkin’ Donuts stock.

The group has also received an amazing amount of care packages including everything from soap to brownies to tampons.  

- So now they can wash up, have a quick snack and go horseback riding!  

"Why Did The Women Cross Their Legs? So They Could Finally Get To The Other Side!"

Last June, the women of Barbacosa, Colombia, declared a “crossed legs” strike. They refusused to have sex until the government agreed to pave the 163-year-old horse trail that had left the town isolated.  The men laughed at first, but last week — 3 months and 19 days into the strike — heavy machinery arrived and work on the road began. That very day, triumphant women ended their strike. 

- We’ve heard of roads to nowhere… this definitely was a road to somewhere! 

- If the women of Michigan had a similar campaign, every pothole in the state would be filled within a week! 

"The Old And The Gourd"

A couple of unusual world records fell over the weekend.  First, Joel Jarvis of St. Thomas, Ontario claimed the title of “World’s Largest Squash” by growing a squash that weighs 1,486.6 pounds.  It’s been his dream since he was eleven. 

- I thought the world’s largest squash was the time Micheal Moore appeared on the “The View” and accidentally sat on Elizabeth Hasselback. 

And on Sunday, Indian-born Jauja Singh ran a 26-mile marathon in Toronto, likely winning the title of “The World’s Oldest Marathon Runner”.  Singh is 100 and didn’t start running until he was 80.  

- Instead of water bottles along the route, they gave him bottles of Ensure.  

- Before the race he carbs up on prune juice to make him run faster.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1949, Northwest Airlines became the first U.S. airline to serve booze during flights.  

- Making it that much easier for male passengers to get women to agree to join the “Mile High Club”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #14: We Skipped #13. People Say It's Bad Luck, But I Don't Believe That... Knock On Wood!!

Hey the weekend is here… and we’ve got the Tigers, Lions, Wolverines and Spartans all in the spotlight!  We’re also hoping to score with this week’s Podcast!  Today, Big Al and I go hi-tech with topics ranging from a Google App called “Is My Son Gay?” to how you can make a disturbingly accurate 3-D mask of your face down to the very last skin pore - zits and all!  It’s a new way to “preserve the way you look now for all eternity”. We also talk about the new hot trend:  “Silent Dancing”.  And you thought the Macarena was stupid! 

Have a great weekend!  Go Tigers! Go Lions! Go Blue! & Go Green (depending on your persuasion!)

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #14

 

Baseball: A Game of "Inges"... and Verlanders!

Tigers are down 3 games to 1 to the Rangers…  must win today or it’s all over.  Verlander’s first pitch at 4:19 this afternoon with light rain in the forecast.  To change the Tigers’ luck… I’ve decided to change the traditional “Go Tigers!” to my old Kenmore High School cheer: “Go Team Go!” That oughta do it!

FBI Cracks Johansson Nude Hack!

Yesterday, the FBI announced that a year-long investigation into the hacking of celebrities phones and email resulted in the arrest of 35-year-old Christopher Chaney of Florida. He’s charged with 25 counts including identity theft and unauthorized access to the computers and phones of 50 victims. Among his alleged crimes were the Internet release of private nude photos of Scarlett Johansson. He could face up to 121 years in jail, but for now has been ordered to avoid the Internet and live with his parents.  

- I have a feeling he’s already been living in his parent’s basement for years.  

- Chaney vows to fight the charges… by hacking into the Judges phone and threatening to release naked photos of him on the Internet. 

- Remember the good old days when nobody could hack into your Poloroid camera and steal the nude photos you took of yourself?  

- Anthony Weiner immediately said, “That’s the guy! I told you it was a hacker!”

MEN: Do Not Take This Sitting Down!

A Vancouver restaurant called Edible Canada has reportedly banned male customers from peeing standing up. The eatery has a unisex bathroom; so to prevent men from messing it up with their “bad aim” and refusal to raise the seat, they’ve posted a sign above the toilet.  It shows a stick figure man standing up, tinkling into the commode with circle around it and a line through it to indicate:  “No peeing standing up”. Critics say they sympathize with the problem, but say the ban is completely unenforceable. 

- Why don’t they just give each guy a Cheerio along with the menu? 

- The restaurant’s owner thinks a cleaner bathroom will bring in more customers and more money… He calls it “Tinkle Down Economics”. 

- They already have a sign for women in the bathroom reading, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie… Wipe the Seatie!”

Marathoner Runs Into Some Trouble...

British runner Bob Sloan was stripped of his third place bronze medal in the Keilder Marathon after witnesses came forward to reveal that he’d gotten tired at the 20-mile mark, hopped a bus to the finish line, then got out and hid behind a tree until the first and second place finishers had run past. 

- Greyhound has changed their slogan to: “Leave The Running To Us!”

- Sloan thought he had taken the “Smart Bus”… right up until the moment he was caught. 

- This explains why he kept asking the people handing out water bottles as he ran by if they had any bus tokens! 

Hot-Dog Thrower: "Frankly, I Wanted To Do Something Epic!"

A California man arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger woods during a tournament the other day said he wanted to do something “courageous and epic.” 31-year-old Brandon Kelly said he was inspired by the new Ryan Gossling movie, “Drive”.  He said, “As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger Woods.” Police said he will likely get a fine and community service.  BTW… the incident made Tiger miss his putt. 

- Apparently the flying hot dog triggered a flashback of the golf club his ex-wife Elin swung at him when she found out what he’d been doing with his putter.  

- If he wanted to do something really “courageous and epic”, he should have tried to take a hot dog away from Michael Moore!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1974, legendary TV host Ed Sullivan died.  

- His eulogy was delivered by Topo Gigio and eight chinese men carried his casket with one hand while continuously spinning plates with the other.  

- They had trouble closing his casket because of his “really big shoe!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our latest Podcast… and hopefully talk of a Tiger victory!

-Dick

P.S. Comedian John Hefron is at the Comedy Castle this weekend!  Call 248-542-9900 or go to comedycastle.com for tickets and showtimes! 

Tigers Still In It To Win It!

Last night the Tigers’ bats came alive and along with great pitching by Doug Fister, they beat Texas 5-2. The Tigers now trail 2 games to 1 in the best of 7 series. Rick Porcello takes to the mound for game 4 this afternoon at Comerica Park.

GO TIGERS!!!

"Liar, Liar...Pants On Fire" Tells Truth!

In a move that surprised the court, “Underwear Bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab has pleaded guilty to all 8 charges against him in the attempted Christmas Day bombing of a Northwest/Delta flight over Detroit. Today was only the second day of his trial — the most high profile terrorist trial since 9/11. Yesterday, a witness who had been in the seat behind him on the plane testified that he yelled three times, “Hey dude, your pants are on fire!” but that Umar had not responded. That’s when several passengers jumped on him and put out the flames. BTW… Umar, who now faces 30 years to life in prison, was representing himself.

- So apparently he advised himself to plead guilty.  

- If he thought his pants were on fire on the plane, wait ‘til he gets to prison! 

- His new nickname is the “Tighty Not-So-Ignitey Whities Bomber”. 

Christie Makes A Weighty Decision...

New Jersey Governor Chris Christy endorsed GOP candidate Mitt Romney for the Republican Presidential nomination yesterday.  He said he believes Romney stands the best chance of beating Obama and is throwing his full weight behind him. 

- If he throws it too hard, he’s gonna knock Romney over.  

Senate Serves Obama A "Filibuster Parfait"!

Last night, two Senate Democrats joined Republicans in voting not to end a filibuster of President Obama’s $447 billion jobs bill, which effectively kills it.  GOP leader Mitch McConnell asked why on Earth we’d keep doing the same thing when we already know it doesn’t work?  

- Because it’s the government?  

NOTE:  Animal expert Dave Salmoni told Jay Leno last night that a group of baboons is called a “congress of baboons”.  

- Tell me something we don’t already know!

Chynna Wiped Off Map!

Last night Chynna Phillips, daughter of the “Mamas & Papas” John Phillips, was voted off “Dancing With the Stars”, due to the fact that during her tango, her mind went completely blank and she forgot all the steps.  

- She danced on “Monday, Monday” and got the boot on “Tuesday, Tuesday”.  

- Chynna said she’ll still follow the show and is looking forward to next week went Chaz Bono will dance to “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Man”.  

"The Strippers On The Bus Go 'Round And 'Round..."

Detroit Police have impounded a party bus they say operated illegally as a strip club for reveling football fans at a popular tailgaiting spot during Monday night’s Lions-Bears game.  The so-called “Booty Lounge” was cited for not having a state safety inspection and because the driver didn’t have a commercial license.  Bus driver Joe Parsons agreed to move the vehicle but added that Detroit has no ordinanace against “mobile entertainment clubs”. 

- So apparently the Lions weren’t the only ones scoring Monday night. 

- The owner of the bus says he’s providing a much needed service:  “High Heels on Wheels”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus landed with his crew in the New World, in what is now called the Bahamas.  

- An hour later a cab driver charged him 50 bucks to drive him to the shopping district.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! GO TIGERS! 

-Dick