Why Don't You Slip Into Something Less Comfortable?

In response to recent criticism, the Prez gave a fiery, partisan speech to the Congressional Black Caucus, urging them to “Take off your your bedroom slippers… put on your marching shoes,” and demand that his “jobs bill” be passed.

- Turns out both Democrats and Republicans wear slippers… but the Democrat’s only wear them on their left feet and the Republicans on the right. 

- This reminds me of a speech President Clinton once gave to the National Organization of Women, when he said “Ladies, take off your bedroom slippers… and while your at it… take off your nightgowns!”

Newsflash: Saudi Arabia To Leave Stone Age... In Four Years!

In a victory for women’s rights in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah announced that after consulting with Islamic clerics to make sure it didn’t violate Sharia law, he has decided to give women the right, not only to vote in local elections, but to run for local offices.  The King said, “We refuse to marginalize the role of women in Saudi society.” It won’t take effect for four years, but maybe by then, women will have the right to drive. 

- No way. In Saudia Arabia, women aren’t even allowed to be backseat drivers! 

- Of course the female candidates will not be allowed to engage in any debate with a man who isn’t an immediate relative. 

- If a woman does win an election, any Saudi man can “un-elect” her by turning around three times and repeating the words “You lose!”  You lose!”  “You lose!”  

- None of the women will be allowed to run on a “Family Values” agenda since “having a family” would basically be admitting that they’d had sex. 

DIP... Uh, I Mean, RIP

Arch West, the retired Frito-Lay marketing executive who created Doritos, has died in Dallas at the age of 97. 

- His family says he’ll be buried on a “Cool Ranch” somewhere in Texas. 

- Doctors announced his death to his children by saying, “He’s Nacho Daddy anymore”.  

- Hard to believe a guy who ate so much bean dip finally ran out of gas!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1774, John Chapman was born.  He traveled America planting apple seeds, which earned him the nickname Johnny Appleseed. 

- He gets a lot a more attention than his brother, Tommy Watermelon.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #10 - "The Birds & The Bees"

Welcome to Friday and our latest Podcast!  Today I welcome our friend Joe Noune back to the conversation… which somehow ends up with a discussion of some rather revealing and humorous things some of “Purtan’s People” had do go through in order to end up conceiving their kids.  Turns out that whole “Stork” thing doesn’t work for everybody.  And speaking of “The Birds & The Bees”… Below you’ll see a picture of a pair of rather unusual scissors my daughter Jennifer gave me to commemorate this past summer’s “Battle With The Woodpecker”. So sit back, turn up the volume and (hopefully) enjoy!

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #10  (29min. 45sec.) 

Obama Lends Mongolian President A Hand?

Yesterday, President Obama spoke at the U.N. General Assembly in New York, and during a photo-op with other world leaders, the Commander-in-Chief pulled a George W. Bush.  Just as the pic was about to be snapped, for some reason, Obama raised his hand to wave.  The photo captured a smiling Obama with his waving hand completely covering the face of Mongolia’s President who was standing next to him. 

- Apparently the President flashed back to his youth and thought it was an end-of-summer camp picture and he was waving to his parents who had just come to pick him up.

- Nancy Pelosi has told all her friends that he was waving at her! 

Sing Along! "Climate Satellites Keep Fallin' On My Head..."

NASA reports that the 6 1/2 ton climate satellite that will soon slam into Earth is unexpectedly picking up speed and they now believe it will hit on Friday.  They don’t know where it will land, but believe it will miss North America.  A NASA spokesperson said the odds of any large pieces of it hitting anyone on the ground are 1 in 3200, so “there’s no need to panic.”

- But just in case Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to leave Iran and fly back to his home planet until the danger has passed. 

- Geoffrey Fieger is flying back to HIS home planet, too.  

- Let’s hope it falls on the Congressional “Super Committee” now meeting so it can knock some sense into their heads!

A New "Twist" On An Old Solution?

The Fed is running out of ways to goose the economy, so they plan to try a risky trick to keep interest rates down that hasn’t been tried since 1961. They’ll take money out of short-term bonds and put it into long-term bonds. It’s called “Operation Twist,” because it attempts to twist long-term interest rates lower, and because the last time it was tried, Chubby Checker was a big star with the dance craze, The Twist. 

 - Chubby Checker is now in better financial shape that the government.  

- Next year, if it’s successful, the Fed says they’ll repeat it, and “twist again… like we did last summer!”

"Everybody Hurts... And Then They Retire"

Wednesday on their website, R.E.M. announced that they were calling it quits. The band that launched the indie-rock revolution in the early ‘80’s posted a message reading, “The skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave.”

- Basically they’re tired and they just want to get somemore REM sleep. 

In a related story… Mick Jagger said there’s been no decision yet on whether the Rolling Stones will go on tour next year to mark the band’s 50 anniversary.  

- Apparently they just can’t get no satisfaction out of it anymore. 

- I’d like to see them tour, but let’s face it… “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”. 

- At their age, the Rolling Stones now spend most of their time passing Kidney Stones.

- Jagger made the remarks while enjoying an Early-Bird Dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s.  

What Boob Thought Up This Idea?

The Bangkok Post reports that a Thai beautician is charging top dollar to teach her ancient, government-approved beauty technique:  breast slapping.  Her rapid-slap technique allegedly causes some pain but firms up the skin and muscles. She says that after a treatment, measuring tape shows that bustlines naturally grow up to an inch larger.  She added that if your boobs are too small to be slapped, get implants. 

- And then the plastic surgeon will slap you with a bill for thousands of dollars! 

- Some clients were so thrilled with the results they were described as downright “Slap Happy”. 

- The woman got the idea from watching Curly’s face swell up every time he was slapped by Moe on “The Three Stooges”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, American Revolutionary spy Nathan Hale was hanged by the British.  He said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.”

- And on this day in 2009, Kwame Kilpatrick said, “I only regret that I have but six dollars to give to my city.”  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Friday with Podcast #10!

-Dick

With A Half-Bil They Should Have Been "Flush"... Not "Flushed"!

The House Oversight Committee announced plans to investigate how the failing solar panel company Solyndra got the Obama White House to fast-track $535 million in government loans to them despite many red flags. There are accusations of cronyism, improper White House meetings and favors for campaign donations. But Reuters obtained letters from the lawyers for top Solyndra execs, saying they plan to take the 5th and not speak to Congressional investigators. 

- They proved they are truly a “green company” by flushing a whole lot of taxpayer “green” down the toilet. 

- Solyndra probably would have actually made money if they’d just made red flags!  

- You gotta admit the half-billion they got from the White House did create jobs… for bankruptcy lawyers.  

Bill "Mr. Bojangles" Clinton?

Tuesday night, L.A. Laker Ron Artest (the guy who attacked the fans at the Pistons’ game a few years ago) was the first person to booted from the nearly celebrity-free DWTS. But apparently the show almost had a huge star: Bill Clinton revealed to Rachael Ray that he was asked to compete this season. The Former Commander-in-Briefs says his mother-in-law watches the show religiously and he thinks “it’s a hoot”, but he didn’t have time for all the training.  But he said that coincidentally, Hillary had just suggested they take dancing lessons. 

- The producers thought he’d be a natural because of all the tap-dancing he did around Hillary during the Monica days!

- When he said the show is “a hoot” he meant he likes all the “hooters”.  

- He actually turned the show down because he was confused by his attraction to Chaz Bono. 

What Next? An Extra Charge For A Plane With Wings?

A new USA Today survey found that it might cost more for your baggage to fly than for you to. For an overweight bag of 71-100 pounds on an international flight, Continental and United now charge a whopping $400, and American Airlines flights to Asia charge $450 for a heavy bag.  The airlines claim that the staggering fees help discourage large bags and keep airfares low.  

- After hearing this, we should be charging THEM for “emotional baggage”! 

- They were going to charge a fee for those invasive TSA body pat downs, but prostitution is illegal. 

- They’re also considering charging a fee if you want your pilot to be sober.  

"Hey You Kid... Get Outta My House!"

An elderly couple in Italy has hired lawyers to take legal action to kick their 41 year-old son out of their house. They say he has a good job with a steady income but has refused to move out for decades.  His mom has been hospitalized with stress problems from doing all his cooking, washing and ironing, and his dad said “We can no longer go on like this”.  Their middle-aged son has been given 10 days to move out or face court-ordered, forcible eviction.  

- He could move in with his girlfriend, but no 41-year-old guy still living with his parents has a girlfriend.  

- At 41… he supposed to be moving back in with his parents, not leaving for the first time!

- To make matters worse, his mother’s lost her voice after years of yelling “Anthony… it’s Prince Spaghetti night!” every Wednesday.  

Kate #1... Can Pippa Be Far "Behind"???

The Global Language Monitor has releaed its annual survey of the most used words and phrases on American TV during the previous year. The top 10 include Oprah, 9/11, Fukushima, Chicago-style politics, and zombies. But the survey declared it the “Year of Kate Middleton” because the #1 most-used phrase on US TV was “royal wedding”.  Charlie Sheen also made several marks:  the #2 word was “Winning”.

- Followed closely by “tiger blood”, “goddesses” and “putz”.  

- Among the least used phrases:  “The economy is in good shape” and “Your house is worth more than you paid for it!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1621, King James of England gave Canada to Sir Alexander Sterling.  

- A week later the King asked Sterling, “How’s it goin’, eh?” and Sterling replied, “It’s goin’ good, eh? Thanks for ahskin’!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

The Mathematician-In-Chief?

Yesterday, the President proposed a $4.4 trillion deficit reduction plan that raises taxes on the rich by $3 for every dollar in spending cuts. He says it’s not fair that rich people pay lower tax rates than working people. Congressional Republicans said it has no chance of passing and dismissed it as “class warfare.” But Obama said, “The money’s got to come from somewhere…This is not class warfare it’s math.” 

- It must be that “new math” they teach in school that none of the parents understand. 

- Donald Trump immediately demanded that Obama’s High School release transcripts of his math grades. 

Go Ahead... Ask. And Tell!

At 12:01am, the Armed Forces officially ended the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy for good, meaning that gays and lesbians can now serve openly in the military.  The policy, which was put in place in 1993 has been the source of much controversey.  

- This means there will now be some pretty tastefully decorated foxholes out there! 

- When you think about it, Gays have a lot in common with the Marines:  They’re both looking for a few good men. 

- The Military quashed rumors that the “Purple Heart” would be renamed the “Marvelously Mauve Heart”. 

Chaz Bono "Leads" DWTS... (But Not In The Scoring Department)

Last night was the long-awaited premiere of the latest season of “Dancing With The Stars”.  By far the most anticipated performance was that of Chaz Bono - (formerly Chastity) - who has undergone sexual re-assignment surgery. Though ABC did receive some complaints about having a “transexual” on the show, the judges thought he did a respectable job giving him two fives and a six.  

- Ironically, Chaz just recently became a “man” and he’s got more hair and a deeper voice than Big Al! 

- Chaz’s mother Cher was thrilled saying, “All those dance classes I took him to when he was a little girl really paid off!”