PETA Trades Corn For Porn!

PETA has been so successful at convincing celebrities to pose discreetly in the buff for their “I’d rather go naked than wear fur campaign” that they now plan to launch their own porn site. Feminists have denounced the idea as “Neanderthal”, but PETA’s spokesman says it’s the models own choice to participate.  The site will also have undercover animal mistreatment videos and links to vegan recipes.  He said PETA hopes people who come to the site for graphic porn will look deeper and change to a plant-based diet.  

- So let me get this straight… PETA protects animals, but they’re willing to treat women like a piece of meat? 

- That’s what’s been missing from regular porn sites!  Recipes! 

Key To Success: "Self-Delusional Overconfidence!"

University researchers from Scotland and the University of California-San Diego found that whether it comes to war, business or sports, the key to success appears to be delusional self-confidence.  They used a computer model to simulate the effects of different ways of dealing with conflicts, pitting strategies based on caution and accuracy against those based on overconfidence.  People who relied on self-delusional overconfidence won much greater rewards than their more realistic counterparts.  

- Of course “self-delusional overconfidence” can backfire… just ask Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Charlie Sheen…  

RIP...

Dolores Hope, longtime wife of Bob Hope has passed away at the age of 102.  Bob himself died at age 100. 

- Here plainly is a couple who didn’t take proper care of themselves!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1964, the Beatles played the last show of the their first US tour at New York’s Paramount Theater with Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.  

- Apparently Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney weren’t available.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to listen to our latest Podcast (#9)… “Inside” stories about Sparky, Bo, and Tom “Count Scary” Ryan!

-Dick

Prez Speech Inspires New Show: "No One Wants To Be A Millionaire!"

President Obama proposed $1.5 trillion in deficit reductions ideas today, mostly from new taxes.  The one that’s getting all the ink is the so called “Buffett Rule” or “Buffett Tax.” It would add an extra layer of taxes on people making over a million dollars a year.   It’s named in honor of multi-billionaire investment guru who recently wrote an op-ed complaining that his taxes weren’t high enough. 

- Buffett said, “I was kidding!  Do you people actually believe everything you read?”

- If the government really wants to collect more money from Americans, they should institute and “All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet Tax”.  

In High School She Was Voted "Most Likely To Become Popular Years From Now"

According to a new Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is… Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64%.  The poll also found that 34% of Americans believe the country would be better off if Hillary were President instead of Obama, even though her own party rejected her for Obama just three years ago.  

- Her approval rating is so high because as Secretary of State she spends most of her time out of the country. 

- Hillary is actually a lot like Obama… they both put their pants (suit) on one leg at a time.  

- Bill Clinton was elected to a second-term despite the fact that he took his pants OFF one leg at a time. 

NEWSFLASH: Charlie Sheen Acts Normal!

Last nights Emmy Awards broadcast is being hailed as fast-paced and entertaining.  But the big news was what didn’t happen at the show. Charlie Sheen presented the “Best Comedy Actor Award” and producers of his old show “Two And A Half Men” feared that he would go off on a rant about them firing him.  Instead, Sheen said “From the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoing season.  We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.”

- He was immediately presented with a special award for “Best Acting During An Emmy Speech”.

BTW… the real winner of the award presented by Sheen was Jim Parson’s of “The Big Bang Theory”. 

- Isn’t that the name of a new Charlie Sheen documentary? 

Gumby Robber: "Smoking" Gun?

The never ending saga of the Gumby convenience store robbery in San Diego continues. 19-year-old Jacob Kiss hasn’t been charged with anything yet, and he claims it was all a misunderstanding.  Kiss says he wears the Gumby costume to cheer people up and denies that he threatened to pull out a gun unless the store clerk gave him money.  He claims when he fumbled in his pocket, he wasn’t going for a gun, he was just reaching for his wallet to pay for cigarettes.  

- He added, “I’d walk a mile in a giant green Gumby costume for a Camel”. 

- This story is going to go over great with the other inmates when he lands in the “Pokey”. 

No Wonder The Dwarves Sing On Their Way To Work!

Disney topped the movied box office by retooling the 1994 movie “The Lion King” for 3D. Despite most kids having seen it a thousand times on DVD, it beat all the new movies and brought in $29 million, nearly three times as much as Hollywood industry experts predicted.  

- It worked so well for Disney, they now plan to remake “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” and put her in a 3(6)D bra!

Lions & Tigers & Cheers! Oh My!

Speaking of Disney… It feels like Detroit has turned into Fantasyland with the Tigers winning the Central Division and the Lions being 2-0 after hammering the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3! What’s goin’ on around here???  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev reacted angrily when he was told he couldn’t enter Disneyland due to security reasons. 

- He immediately ordered Soviet troops to invade all the countries in Epcot… even though it hadn’t been built yet.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #9

Today we welcome to the Podcast Tom DeLisle who I worked with extensively back in the 70’s and 80’s. In addition to writing a lot of character stuff for my radio show, he also wrote and produced my hour-long comedy special that ran on Channel 4 (in Prime Time!) during the 80’s.  It was so successful ratings wise, that Channel 4 ran it again exactly six months to the day in the same time slot - 9pm to 10pm.  Amazingly it got huge ratings the second time as well. Tom also spent years working with sports celebrities like Sparky Anderson and Bo Schembechler - and unquestionably the biggest star of all:  Count Scary!  He’s got great stories to tell. Enjoy…

Purtan Podcast #9: 9/16/11    (32 min.)

Enclosure

And You Thought YOU Had A Nosy Neighbor!

Author Joe McGuinness was called a stalker after he rented a house right next to Sarah Palin while he wrote a tell-all book about her.  It comes out September 20th… but the National Enquirer paid to print some of the “shocking claims” early.  Among them:  Before she became Guv, Palin was once seen snorting cocaine off an overturned oil drum.

- Well this proves it!  There IS oil in Alaska! 

- Actually, McGuinness claims that she was caught inhaling from an Alaskan “Crack” Pipeline. 

- McGuinness spent most of his time writing the book at the local “Caribou Coffee Shop”.

Another alleged revelation: that when Palin was an unmarried sports reporter, she allegedly seduced Glen Rice into a one-night stand.  The black NBA star was then a University of Michigan Junior in town to play the University of Alaska.  A year later, U of M lost a shocking upset to Alaska when Rice missed three free throws, so wags joked that maybe Sarah wore him out to help her home state’s basketball team.  

- Democrats claim she’s Nome for doing that kind of thing.  

- In Alaska the word “seduce” is defined as “threatening someone with a shotgun.”  

- The biggest shocker in the book is when McGuiness admited that he too could see Russia from his house!

Hacked Naked Pix Have Scarlett Seeing Red!

Wednesday, two alleged private nude photos of Scarlett Johansson showed up all over the Internet after hackers reportedly stole them from her cell phone. This is the latest in a recent series of hacker attacks on celebrities. The FBI has launched an investigation, and there are rumors that there could be more nude photos of Johansson popping up. 

- Despite a similar “hacking” incident, the FBI has not launched an investigation into nude photos of Helen Thomas circulating on the web.  

- Am I the only person on earth who doesn’t have nude photos of myself on my cell phone?  

- Anthony Weiner says he’s outraged and that she should resign her seat as an Actress immediately. 

Obamas #1 Song Request: "Do You Love Me?"

A new Bloomberg poll shows that a mjority of Americans don’t believe President Obama’s jobs bill would lower the unemployment rate, and even some Democrats are slamming it.  The cool reception is making the Prez appear a bit desperate.  While promoting his jobs bill in North Carolina Wednesday, someone shouted, “I love you,” and he replied, “But if you love me, you’ve got to help me pass this bill.”

- The woman who shouted, a Ms. N. Pelosi, yelled back “I will!”

- When someone else in the crowd shouted, “It won’t create jobs!”, the President yelled back, “You lie!”

They'll Have A Gay Ol' Time!

First Archie Comics got its first gay character, Kevin Keller. Now, it’s about to show its first gay marriage. “Life with Archie” depicts Archie as a 20-something; and in issue #16, coming in January, the whole gang attends Kevin’s wedding.  According to reports, Kevin returns from the war to Riverdale to marry his male partner just as Archie is separating from his wife Veronica.  

- What do you get a gay comic book soldier for a same-sex wedding gift?  (Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell.) 

- Archie is apparently leaving Veronica after finding out she’d been moonlighting at a “comic-strip club”. 

- The ceremony will be performed by Jughead, who became a minister over the Internet in issue #9.  

- Veronica’s good friend Barbie has offered to host the reception at her Malibu Dream House.  

Apocalypse WOW!

The California porn studio Pink Visual claims that it’s begun construction  on a luxury underground bunker where hedonists will be able to survive any apocalypse that comes in 2012 in decadence and luxury.  The porn makers say they, their favorite porn stars and some randomly chosen members of their adult website can join them and survive any world-ending scenario, including comets, earthquakes, tsunamis, radioactive flesh eating zombies and even the Biblical rapture.  However they won’t reveal the location of the secret sex-bunker due to “security concerns”.  

- Three words:  Charlie Sheen’s basement. 

- Hitler tried the whole “secret bunker” thing and look how that turned out.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, during the American Revolution, British troops seized control of New York City. 

- They immediately lined up to get tickets to see “Live! With Regis & Martha Washington!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our latest Podcast that I think you’ll find very interesting! 

-Dick

You Can't Ignore The Roar!

Tigers win their 11th in a row!  Verlander gets his 23rd victory of season! Magic number to clinch divisional title cut to 4! 

NEWSFLASH: Man To Replace Weiner!

Tuesday, in a special election, the Congressional seat vacated by disgraced “Tweeter” Anthony Weiner was won by Republican Bob Turner.  It’s the first time the district - which went heavily for President Obama in 2008 - has elected a Republican since 1923.  The White House is downplaying the loss, but political experts say voters are apparently so fed up the current adminstration that Turner won 54-46 in a diehard liberal, NY Jewish district, even though he has no political experience.  BTW… Turner is a retired TV exec who created “The Jerry Springer Show”.  

- If I’m not mistaken, Anthony Weiner once appeared on the “My Congressmen Keeps Tweeting Me Naked Pictures of His Privates” episode. 

- Turner says that he’ll end every session of Congress with a special a la Springer “Final Thought for the Day”. 

- Weiner says he may be out of Congress… but he’s not “completely out of the picture”. 

- A Republican replacing Weiner?  The GOP is relishing that!