A New "Twist" On An Old Solution?

The Fed is running out of ways to goose the economy, so they plan to try a risky trick to keep interest rates down that hasn’t been tried since 1961. They’ll take money out of short-term bonds and put it into long-term bonds. It’s called “Operation Twist,” because it attempts to twist long-term interest rates lower, and because the last time it was tried, Chubby Checker was a big star with the dance craze, The Twist. 

 - Chubby Checker is now in better financial shape that the government.  

- Next year, if it’s successful, the Fed says they’ll repeat it, and “twist again… like we did last summer!”

"Everybody Hurts... And Then They Retire"

Wednesday on their website, R.E.M. announced that they were calling it quits. The band that launched the indie-rock revolution in the early ‘80’s posted a message reading, “The skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave.”

- Basically they’re tired and they just want to get somemore REM sleep. 

In a related story… Mick Jagger said there’s been no decision yet on whether the Rolling Stones will go on tour next year to mark the band’s 50 anniversary.  

- Apparently they just can’t get no satisfaction out of it anymore. 

- I’d like to see them tour, but let’s face it… “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”. 

- At their age, the Rolling Stones now spend most of their time passing Kidney Stones.

- Jagger made the remarks while enjoying an Early-Bird Dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s.  

What Boob Thought Up This Idea?

The Bangkok Post reports that a Thai beautician is charging top dollar to teach her ancient, government-approved beauty technique:  breast slapping.  Her rapid-slap technique allegedly causes some pain but firms up the skin and muscles. She says that after a treatment, measuring tape shows that bustlines naturally grow up to an inch larger.  She added that if your boobs are too small to be slapped, get implants. 

- And then the plastic surgeon will slap you with a bill for thousands of dollars! 

- Some clients were so thrilled with the results they were described as downright “Slap Happy”. 

- The woman got the idea from watching Curly’s face swell up every time he was slapped by Moe on “The Three Stooges”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, American Revolutionary spy Nathan Hale was hanged by the British.  He said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.”

- And on this day in 2009, Kwame Kilpatrick said, “I only regret that I have but six dollars to give to my city.”  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Friday with Podcast #10!

-Dick

With A Half-Bil They Should Have Been "Flush"... Not "Flushed"!

The House Oversight Committee announced plans to investigate how the failing solar panel company Solyndra got the Obama White House to fast-track $535 million in government loans to them despite many red flags. There are accusations of cronyism, improper White House meetings and favors for campaign donations. But Reuters obtained letters from the lawyers for top Solyndra execs, saying they plan to take the 5th and not speak to Congressional investigators. 

- They proved they are truly a “green company” by flushing a whole lot of taxpayer “green” down the toilet. 

- Solyndra probably would have actually made money if they’d just made red flags!  

- You gotta admit the half-billion they got from the White House did create jobs… for bankruptcy lawyers.  

Bill "Mr. Bojangles" Clinton?

Tuesday night, L.A. Laker Ron Artest (the guy who attacked the fans at the Pistons’ game a few years ago) was the first person to booted from the nearly celebrity-free DWTS. But apparently the show almost had a huge star: Bill Clinton revealed to Rachael Ray that he was asked to compete this season. The Former Commander-in-Briefs says his mother-in-law watches the show religiously and he thinks “it’s a hoot”, but he didn’t have time for all the training.  But he said that coincidentally, Hillary had just suggested they take dancing lessons. 

- The producers thought he’d be a natural because of all the tap-dancing he did around Hillary during the Monica days!

- When he said the show is “a hoot” he meant he likes all the “hooters”.  

- He actually turned the show down because he was confused by his attraction to Chaz Bono. 

What Next? An Extra Charge For A Plane With Wings?

A new USA Today survey found that it might cost more for your baggage to fly than for you to. For an overweight bag of 71-100 pounds on an international flight, Continental and United now charge a whopping $400, and American Airlines flights to Asia charge $450 for a heavy bag.  The airlines claim that the staggering fees help discourage large bags and keep airfares low.  

- After hearing this, we should be charging THEM for “emotional baggage”! 

- They were going to charge a fee for those invasive TSA body pat downs, but prostitution is illegal. 

- They’re also considering charging a fee if you want your pilot to be sober.  

"Hey You Kid... Get Outta My House!"

An elderly couple in Italy has hired lawyers to take legal action to kick their 41 year-old son out of their house. They say he has a good job with a steady income but has refused to move out for decades.  His mom has been hospitalized with stress problems from doing all his cooking, washing and ironing, and his dad said “We can no longer go on like this”.  Their middle-aged son has been given 10 days to move out or face court-ordered, forcible eviction.  

- He could move in with his girlfriend, but no 41-year-old guy still living with his parents has a girlfriend.  

- At 41… he supposed to be moving back in with his parents, not leaving for the first time!

- To make matters worse, his mother’s lost her voice after years of yelling “Anthony… it’s Prince Spaghetti night!” every Wednesday.  

Kate #1... Can Pippa Be Far "Behind"???

The Global Language Monitor has releaed its annual survey of the most used words and phrases on American TV during the previous year. The top 10 include Oprah, 9/11, Fukushima, Chicago-style politics, and zombies. But the survey declared it the “Year of Kate Middleton” because the #1 most-used phrase on US TV was “royal wedding”.  Charlie Sheen also made several marks:  the #2 word was “Winning”.

- Followed closely by “tiger blood”, “goddesses” and “putz”.  

- Among the least used phrases:  “The economy is in good shape” and “Your house is worth more than you paid for it!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1621, King James of England gave Canada to Sir Alexander Sterling.  

- A week later the King asked Sterling, “How’s it goin’, eh?” and Sterling replied, “It’s goin’ good, eh? Thanks for ahskin’!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

The Mathematician-In-Chief?

Yesterday, the President proposed a $4.4 trillion deficit reduction plan that raises taxes on the rich by $3 for every dollar in spending cuts. He says it’s not fair that rich people pay lower tax rates than working people. Congressional Republicans said it has no chance of passing and dismissed it as “class warfare.” But Obama said, “The money’s got to come from somewhere…This is not class warfare it’s math.” 

- It must be that “new math” they teach in school that none of the parents understand. 

- Donald Trump immediately demanded that Obama’s High School release transcripts of his math grades. 

Go Ahead... Ask. And Tell!

At 12:01am, the Armed Forces officially ended the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy for good, meaning that gays and lesbians can now serve openly in the military.  The policy, which was put in place in 1993 has been the source of much controversey.  

- This means there will now be some pretty tastefully decorated foxholes out there! 

- When you think about it, Gays have a lot in common with the Marines:  They’re both looking for a few good men. 

- The Military quashed rumors that the “Purple Heart” would be renamed the “Marvelously Mauve Heart”. 

Chaz Bono "Leads" DWTS... (But Not In The Scoring Department)

Last night was the long-awaited premiere of the latest season of “Dancing With The Stars”.  By far the most anticipated performance was that of Chaz Bono - (formerly Chastity) - who has undergone sexual re-assignment surgery. Though ABC did receive some complaints about having a “transexual” on the show, the judges thought he did a respectable job giving him two fives and a six.  

- Ironically, Chaz just recently became a “man” and he’s got more hair and a deeper voice than Big Al! 

- Chaz’s mother Cher was thrilled saying, “All those dance classes I took him to when he was a little girl really paid off!”

PETA Trades Corn For Porn!

PETA has been so successful at convincing celebrities to pose discreetly in the buff for their “I’d rather go naked than wear fur campaign” that they now plan to launch their own porn site. Feminists have denounced the idea as “Neanderthal”, but PETA’s spokesman says it’s the models own choice to participate.  The site will also have undercover animal mistreatment videos and links to vegan recipes.  He said PETA hopes people who come to the site for graphic porn will look deeper and change to a plant-based diet.  

- So let me get this straight… PETA protects animals, but they’re willing to treat women like a piece of meat? 

- That’s what’s been missing from regular porn sites!  Recipes! 

Key To Success: "Self-Delusional Overconfidence!"

University researchers from Scotland and the University of California-San Diego found that whether it comes to war, business or sports, the key to success appears to be delusional self-confidence.  They used a computer model to simulate the effects of different ways of dealing with conflicts, pitting strategies based on caution and accuracy against those based on overconfidence.  People who relied on self-delusional overconfidence won much greater rewards than their more realistic counterparts.  

- Of course “self-delusional overconfidence” can backfire… just ask Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Charlie Sheen…  

RIP...

Dolores Hope, longtime wife of Bob Hope has passed away at the age of 102.  Bob himself died at age 100. 

- Here plainly is a couple who didn’t take proper care of themselves!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1964, the Beatles played the last show of the their first US tour at New York’s Paramount Theater with Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.  

- Apparently Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney weren’t available.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! And don’t forget to listen to our latest Podcast (#9)… “Inside” stories about Sparky, Bo, and Tom “Count Scary” Ryan!

-Dick

Prez Speech Inspires New Show: "No One Wants To Be A Millionaire!"

President Obama proposed $1.5 trillion in deficit reductions ideas today, mostly from new taxes.  The one that’s getting all the ink is the so called “Buffett Rule” or “Buffett Tax.” It would add an extra layer of taxes on people making over a million dollars a year.   It’s named in honor of multi-billionaire investment guru who recently wrote an op-ed complaining that his taxes weren’t high enough. 

- Buffett said, “I was kidding!  Do you people actually believe everything you read?”

- If the government really wants to collect more money from Americans, they should institute and “All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet Tax”.  

In High School She Was Voted "Most Likely To Become Popular Years From Now"

According to a new Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is… Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64%.  The poll also found that 34% of Americans believe the country would be better off if Hillary were President instead of Obama, even though her own party rejected her for Obama just three years ago.  

- Her approval rating is so high because as Secretary of State she spends most of her time out of the country. 

- Hillary is actually a lot like Obama… they both put their pants (suit) on one leg at a time.  

- Bill Clinton was elected to a second-term despite the fact that he took his pants OFF one leg at a time. 

NEWSFLASH: Charlie Sheen Acts Normal!

Last nights Emmy Awards broadcast is being hailed as fast-paced and entertaining.  But the big news was what didn’t happen at the show. Charlie Sheen presented the “Best Comedy Actor Award” and producers of his old show “Two And A Half Men” feared that he would go off on a rant about them firing him.  Instead, Sheen said “From the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoing season.  We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.”

- He was immediately presented with a special award for “Best Acting During An Emmy Speech”.

BTW… the real winner of the award presented by Sheen was Jim Parson’s of “The Big Bang Theory”. 

- Isn’t that the name of a new Charlie Sheen documentary?