Gumby Robber: "Smoking" Gun?

The never ending saga of the Gumby convenience store robbery in San Diego continues. 19-year-old Jacob Kiss hasn’t been charged with anything yet, and he claims it was all a misunderstanding.  Kiss says he wears the Gumby costume to cheer people up and denies that he threatened to pull out a gun unless the store clerk gave him money.  He claims when he fumbled in his pocket, he wasn’t going for a gun, he was just reaching for his wallet to pay for cigarettes.  

- He added, “I’d walk a mile in a giant green Gumby costume for a Camel”. 

- This story is going to go over great with the other inmates when he lands in the “Pokey”. 

No Wonder The Dwarves Sing On Their Way To Work!

Disney topped the movied box office by retooling the 1994 movie “The Lion King” for 3D. Despite most kids having seen it a thousand times on DVD, it beat all the new movies and brought in $29 million, nearly three times as much as Hollywood industry experts predicted.  

- It worked so well for Disney, they now plan to remake “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” and put her in a 3(6)D bra!

Lions & Tigers & Cheers! Oh My!

Speaking of Disney… It feels like Detroit has turned into Fantasyland with the Tigers winning the Central Division and the Lions being 2-0 after hammering the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3! What’s goin’ on around here???  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev reacted angrily when he was told he couldn’t enter Disneyland due to security reasons. 

- He immediately ordered Soviet troops to invade all the countries in Epcot… even though it hadn’t been built yet.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #9

Today we welcome to the Podcast Tom DeLisle who I worked with extensively back in the 70’s and 80’s. In addition to writing a lot of character stuff for my radio show, he also wrote and produced my hour-long comedy special that ran on Channel 4 (in Prime Time!) during the 80’s.  It was so successful ratings wise, that Channel 4 ran it again exactly six months to the day in the same time slot - 9pm to 10pm.  Amazingly it got huge ratings the second time as well. Tom also spent years working with sports celebrities like Sparky Anderson and Bo Schembechler - and unquestionably the biggest star of all:  Count Scary!  He’s got great stories to tell. Enjoy…

Purtan Podcast #9: 9/16/11    (32 min.)

Enclosure

And You Thought YOU Had A Nosy Neighbor!

Author Joe McGuinness was called a stalker after he rented a house right next to Sarah Palin while he wrote a tell-all book about her.  It comes out September 20th… but the National Enquirer paid to print some of the “shocking claims” early.  Among them:  Before she became Guv, Palin was once seen snorting cocaine off an overturned oil drum.

- Well this proves it!  There IS oil in Alaska! 

- Actually, McGuinness claims that she was caught inhaling from an Alaskan “Crack” Pipeline. 

- McGuinness spent most of his time writing the book at the local “Caribou Coffee Shop”.

Another alleged revelation: that when Palin was an unmarried sports reporter, she allegedly seduced Glen Rice into a one-night stand.  The black NBA star was then a University of Michigan Junior in town to play the University of Alaska.  A year later, U of M lost a shocking upset to Alaska when Rice missed three free throws, so wags joked that maybe Sarah wore him out to help her home state’s basketball team.  

- Democrats claim she’s Nome for doing that kind of thing.  

- In Alaska the word “seduce” is defined as “threatening someone with a shotgun.”  

- The biggest shocker in the book is when McGuiness admited that he too could see Russia from his house!

Hacked Naked Pix Have Scarlett Seeing Red!

Wednesday, two alleged private nude photos of Scarlett Johansson showed up all over the Internet after hackers reportedly stole them from her cell phone. This is the latest in a recent series of hacker attacks on celebrities. The FBI has launched an investigation, and there are rumors that there could be more nude photos of Johansson popping up. 

- Despite a similar “hacking” incident, the FBI has not launched an investigation into nude photos of Helen Thomas circulating on the web.  

- Am I the only person on earth who doesn’t have nude photos of myself on my cell phone?  

- Anthony Weiner says he’s outraged and that she should resign her seat as an Actress immediately. 

Obamas #1 Song Request: "Do You Love Me?"

A new Bloomberg poll shows that a mjority of Americans don’t believe President Obama’s jobs bill would lower the unemployment rate, and even some Democrats are slamming it.  The cool reception is making the Prez appear a bit desperate.  While promoting his jobs bill in North Carolina Wednesday, someone shouted, “I love you,” and he replied, “But if you love me, you’ve got to help me pass this bill.”

- The woman who shouted, a Ms. N. Pelosi, yelled back “I will!”

- When someone else in the crowd shouted, “It won’t create jobs!”, the President yelled back, “You lie!”

They'll Have A Gay Ol' Time!

First Archie Comics got its first gay character, Kevin Keller. Now, it’s about to show its first gay marriage. “Life with Archie” depicts Archie as a 20-something; and in issue #16, coming in January, the whole gang attends Kevin’s wedding.  According to reports, Kevin returns from the war to Riverdale to marry his male partner just as Archie is separating from his wife Veronica.  

- What do you get a gay comic book soldier for a same-sex wedding gift?  (Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell.) 

- Archie is apparently leaving Veronica after finding out she’d been moonlighting at a “comic-strip club”. 

- The ceremony will be performed by Jughead, who became a minister over the Internet in issue #9.  

- Veronica’s good friend Barbie has offered to host the reception at her Malibu Dream House.  

Apocalypse WOW!

The California porn studio Pink Visual claims that it’s begun construction  on a luxury underground bunker where hedonists will be able to survive any apocalypse that comes in 2012 in decadence and luxury.  The porn makers say they, their favorite porn stars and some randomly chosen members of their adult website can join them and survive any world-ending scenario, including comets, earthquakes, tsunamis, radioactive flesh eating zombies and even the Biblical rapture.  However they won’t reveal the location of the secret sex-bunker due to “security concerns”.  

- Three words:  Charlie Sheen’s basement. 

- Hitler tried the whole “secret bunker” thing and look how that turned out.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, during the American Revolution, British troops seized control of New York City. 

- They immediately lined up to get tickets to see “Live! With Regis & Martha Washington!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with our latest Podcast that I think you’ll find very interesting! 

-Dick

You Can't Ignore The Roar!

Tigers win their 11th in a row!  Verlander gets his 23rd victory of season! Magic number to clinch divisional title cut to 4! 

NEWSFLASH: Man To Replace Weiner!

Tuesday, in a special election, the Congressional seat vacated by disgraced “Tweeter” Anthony Weiner was won by Republican Bob Turner.  It’s the first time the district - which went heavily for President Obama in 2008 - has elected a Republican since 1923.  The White House is downplaying the loss, but political experts say voters are apparently so fed up the current adminstration that Turner won 54-46 in a diehard liberal, NY Jewish district, even though he has no political experience.  BTW… Turner is a retired TV exec who created “The Jerry Springer Show”.  

- If I’m not mistaken, Anthony Weiner once appeared on the “My Congressmen Keeps Tweeting Me Naked Pictures of His Privates” episode. 

- Turner says that he’ll end every session of Congress with a special a la Springer “Final Thought for the Day”. 

- Weiner says he may be out of Congress… but he’s not “completely out of the picture”. 

- A Republican replacing Weiner?  The GOP is relishing that!  

"Raw Beef. It's What's For Dinner!"

Scott T. Shover of Carlisle, Pennsylvania, was arrested for allegedly opening packages of raw meat at a Walmart, eating it, then putting the empty foam trays back on the shelves.  The meat was valued at $24.53, but he was charged with felony retail theft due to four prior convictions.  

- His girlfriend said she wasn’t surprised as they met on eColi.com. 

- Police said it was the first time they’ve arrested someone for eating raw meat.  Apparently, it’s very rare. 

The Tigers Aren't The Only Ones Scoring...

Listen up guys:  A survey of 10,000 members of the British dating site FreeDating.co.uk found that larger women and tall and skinny women are the most likely to have sex on the first date.  In fact, the bigger they are, the more likely they are to “go all the way” on Date #1 - especially if they spend time in bars and like cars. Men mostly likely to do the deed are athletic, well-educated drinkers and smokers.  And the most likely men to have sex on a first date?  Married men.  

- Two words:  Arnold Schwarzenegger.  

- If you’re a woman who has sex with a guy on the first date, you’re the least likely to end up married to him.  

- Apparently Kirstie Alley is getting a lot more action that we thought. 

- Married men on a dating website?  Who knew?    

Jessica Simpson Stalker Pens Tell-Nothing!

The man who has been stalking Jessica Simpson for years, Marce William Burchell, has written a book about their non-relationship.  It’s a 30 page self-published book called “The True Story: Jessica Ann Simpson’s 22 month long Attempt to Seduce A Married Man - Her Very Active Super-Secret Sex Life (Volume 1)”.  Burchell, who sent Simpson puppies when her dog went missing and challenged her fiance to a marathon for the right to marry her, says he didn’t write it to hurt her.  He claims he penned the “book” to help him heal emotionally from the “severe trauma and pain she put me through by her heartless cruel treatment of me.” You can get your copy from Amazon.com for just $29.99.  

- The book was supposed to be 60 pages long, but after she announced that she’s going to have a breast reduction, he cut a whole section out.  

- Jessica says she’s not going to read the book because she doesn’t know how to read.   

- Between this tome and Kwame’s memoir, my book club is going to have to start meeting twice a week!  

If These Are The Titles... I Can't Wait To Hear The Lyrics!

Christian songwriter Jose Principe is suing Blessing Recording Studios of Florida claiming they defamed him and ruined an album he paid them $5500 to produce.  He says they released the CD without his consent and that someone inaccurately translated his Spanish song titles into English. Among the titles listed: “Because I Had A Hairy (BLEEP)”, “But It’s A Small One” and “It Hurt, But I Liked It”. Principe says it might be a practical joke, but it’s offensive and defamatory and has caused him emotional distress and hurt his career.  

- Lady Gaga is now suing Principe for stealing all her upcoming song titles.  

- A record company exec admited that it was a practical joke adding “But It’s A Small One”. 

- Let’s just hope whoever did the translations never gets a job at the U.N. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1987, the Sunday New York Times published the biggest newspaper edition in history.  It was 1,612 pages long and weighed 12 pounds.

- That day the masthead read “All The News That’s Fit To Print… Plus Some Other Stuff We Decided To Throw In”.  

Have a great day and don’t forget to click on any of the Marygrove Awnings ads on this page for a great end-of-season special! I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Tigers Roar While Spartans Go "Combat-O"

How about the Tigers winning their 10th game in a row last night?  That’s the first time that’s happened since the 1968 World Series team!  They’re currently 85-62 and their magic number for clinching the division is down to six!  Go Tigers! 

And speaking of sports… check out the new special Nike “Pro-Combat” Spartans’ football uniforms that MSU will wear during the Michigan rivalry game on October 15th.    

Are His Pants On Fire Yet?

If you felt the earth move last night, it wasn’t another earthquake… it was Kwame Kilpatrick. His former dis-honor was in town for a book signing. Meanwhile, he gave his first “post prison” interview to the Detroit News. The Kwaminator said, “I not only proclaim my innocence, but the things that I’m accused of…are absolutely false.  I’ve never accepted a bribe.  I’ve never fixed a contract.  I don’t even know how you would do that…”

- He added that he doesn’t even know how to text!  

Kwame also said that he’s “never really had a relationship with anybody else like I had with the city of Detroit.” 

- Christine Beatty said “That’s because he never took the city of Detroit out to dinner before screwing it over!”