We'd Owe Him A Debt Of Gratitude!

Monday, billionaire investment guru Warren Buffet published a New York Times editiorial, claiming that he and other super-rich people should have to pay a higher tax rate.  Pat Buchanan suggested that since the government accepts voluntary donations to reduce the national debt, if Buffet feels that guilty about not paying enough, he could just write the government a $5 Billion check.  

- Obama is trying to convince Oprah to fill her studio audience with Chinese Officials and surprise them all with enough cash to pay off our debt! 

- The President is so desparate to reduce the debt, he actually filled out the entry form for the “Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes”. 

Kim Kardashian's Butt Real... No Ifs, Ands or... well... Butts!

In an attempt to disprove rumors that her rather large derierre is the result of implants, Kim Kardashian had her butt X-rayed and let her sister Khloe post it on Twitter to prove she’s “all natural, baby!”

- She’s got to be the only woman on the planet who wants men to say “Yes!” when she asks, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?”

- Kim’s certainly not the first celebrity to make an ass of herself via Twitter. 

Turns Out He Had More Than An "Infectious" Laugh...

An unnamed Wisconsin woman is suing a man for $350,000 for giving her Herpes.  Both are married to other people.  She claims they flirted on the internet, then made out in his truck and finally had one sexual encounter during which she was infected.  She says that since he knew the risk of transmitting the disease, he should have to pay and is suing him under his auto and home insurance policies.  

- Apparently she believes this falls under the category of being “rear-ended”. 

- Unlike the man she was with, she’s hoping she’ll be in “Good Hands With Allstate”.   

- This is what happens when you meet someone on eHerpes.com! 

"The Nutcracker Not-So-Sweet"

19-year-old Brianna Del Rio of Florida, is charged with battery after she allegedly attacked her boyfriend with a nutcracker.  Police say the two were arguing about messages left on his cell phone when she slapped him, then hit him with a wooden nutcracker and bit him on his side.  She claimed he’d held a gun to her head, but the cops didn’t find her story credible.

- Guys:  If your girlfriend goes to the kitchen looking for a nutcracker, the time has come to exit the building!

- Maybe she was just going for a wooden soldier nutcracker… Afterall, Christmas is just 4-1/2 months away! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1977, Elvis Presley died at Graceland at the age of just 42. British bookmakers say that although it’s been 34 years, people regularly place bets at 1,000 to 1 odds. that Elvis is still alive. 

- People called Elvis “The King.  They called Michael Jackson “The King of Pop”.  This disproves what Mel Brooks said in “History of the World - Part I”, that “It’s good to be the King!”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Down Side Of Being President...

Over the weekend, a frustrated President Obama, whose Gallup approval rating just hit a record low of 39%, said the American people deserve better than they’ve gotten from Washington in the past 2-1/2 months.  In fact, he said, they deserve better than they’ve gotten for the past 2-1/2 years.  He urged Americans to contact Congress to complain. 

- Hmmmm… who else has been a policy maker in Washington for the last two and a half years? 

- Apparently the sign on Obama’s desk reads: “The Buck Stops Over There”. 

Watch The Same Movies Over & Over Again? Here's Why...

A University of California at San Diego study found that people enjoy stories more, even mystery and suspense stories, if they know what surprise plot twists are coming.  Test subjects were given stories to read.  Some copies had “spoilers” inserted, others didn’t.  They discovered that people actually preferred the stories that gave away the plot twists in advance.  They say this might explain why we’ll watch the same movie over and over again. 

- Especially movies like “Groundhog Day”. 

- I must be the exception.  I still haven’t seen “Titanic” and would appreciate it if nobody tells me how it ends! 

- Of course we watch British movies over and over because it takes at least three viewings to figure out what they’re saying. 

She's Only Two-And-A-Half Feet Tall... But What A Doll!

Local music teach Daniel Dean Torroll of Tennessee was cited for indecent exposure after police allegedcaught him under a bridge at around 9a.m., naked and committing lews acts with a 2-1/2 foot tall Barbie-type doll.  He told the cops that he has ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperacivity Disorder - and a recent increase in his medication was escalating his sexual urges. 

- Sounds like his “urges” weren’t the only thing that were escalating!

- He should have know this was gonna happen when his doctor “Upped” his meds. 

- His favorite musical?  “Guys & Dolls”.

- These days we should just be happy he was having sex with a doll instead of a student! 

"To Have & To Hold, To Honor & To Saute..."

An Indonesian man who currently lives in a mental hospital after serving time for cannibalism says he’s “yearning for a wife”.  He says he’s not particular about looks, as long as she’s a woman, shares his Muslim faith and is religious. 

- It will take a rare woman to risk a relationship with this guy… Actually a medium-rare woman. 

- So he’s looking for someone who will not only cook dinner… but BE dinner. 

- His definition of religious is someone who’s really “Pie-ous”. 

Caution: This News May Lead To A Stroke.

In medical news… a Harvard study found that women who take anti-depressants have a 39% higher risk of suffering a stroke.

- On the bright side, they’re much less depressed after having a stroke than women who hadn’t been taking anti-depressants.  

You Can't Nuke A Cockroach... But Lady Gaga Can Make 'Em Dance!

The New York Daily News reports that engineering students at Cooper Union were studying the movement of cockroaches by hooking them up to electrodes and shocking them.  But the roaches got used to that and stopped moving.  So they tried music with some interesting results:  Roaches had no response to Weezer or heavy metal, but when they played Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” the roaches responded immediately and wouldn’t stop flapping. 

- You gotta admit, “Bad Romance” is a real toe-tapper! 

- Ironically, Lady Gaga smoked a roach just before recording that tune. 

- The Gay roaches also responded to songs by Bette Midler and Barry Manilow. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1945, Japan agreed to surrender unconditionally - officially ending World War II. 

- Apparently in Japanese, “surrender unconditionally” means “we will do everything in our power to destroy your auto industry”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #4

Welcome to Friday and Podcast #4! Today we cover everything from Kwame Kilpatrick to Jackie Kennedy, Falling Stocks to Bill Bonds,  and Bill Clinton to a Woodpecker (one has nothing to do with the other, honest!)  Plus there are two big surprises… One for one of our listeners - and another for a member of the Purtan Family! (Stay tuned… it’s at the end! And it’s a big one! No, Gail’s NOT pregnant!) 

Podcast for 8/12   

The pictures show me, “Mr. Handyman”, putting up the ribbons to scare off the woodpecker.  He hasn’t returned in a week and a half! 

Enclosure

But Will Bert Make Ernie Sign A Pre-Mup?

There is an online push by gay marriage advocates to have “Sesame Street’s” Bert and Ernie get married to teach kids about gay marriage.  The producers of the show replied that Bert and Ernie are just platonic best freinds and that Muppets have no sexual orientation.  

- Tell that to Miss Piggy!  She’s been trying to turn a certain frog into her prince for years! 

- They’re also pushing for Kermit to release a new song, “It’s Not Easy Being Gay”.

- If they’re going to have a same-sex wedding I think they should marry those two old guys who always sat in the balcony.  They argue so much they act like they’ve been married for years. 

- Next up:  They’ll announce that “Big Bird” didn’t get his name just by being tall. 

Holy Crap!

A European paper company has a new product for Catholics who want to express their devotion during the Pope’s visit to Spain next week.  It’s toilet paper in the colors of the Vatican.  Each pack has two perfumed rolls, one yellow and one white and a “I Heart the Pope” logo.  Their website reads, “Is there any better way to liven up the streets than using these large streamers? Welcome Pope Benedict!” A spokesman said this shouldn’t be seen as Vatican toilet paper, but as “Giant streamers that could be used as toilet paper.” 

- It takes an entire roll just to make a replica of the Pope’s giant hat. 

- The Vatican is against the toilet paper for a number of reasons.  Number 1 and Number 2.

- And you thought “Pope On A Rope” was disrespectful.

- Hang this stuff out your window and it will wipe away any doubts your neighbors may have about whether or not you’re Catholic.  

- Wouldn’t this have been a better idea during the reign of “Pope John”?

Butt Betting!

As part of a sponsorship deal with the betting company Betfair, the hot British women’s Olympic beach volleyball duo, Shauna Mullin and Zara Dampney, will be encouraging fans to take pictures of their butts. Each of them with have a Quick Response bar code on the backs of their teeny bikini bottoms.  When photographed by a smart phone, it automatically takes users to Betfair’s website.  A spokesman said there’s no better way to test the bar code’s effectiveness “than by putting them on one of the places that is likely to get photographed the most.”

- They also put the bar code on Kim Karsashian’s bikini bottom,  along with the company logo, mission statement and a four page description of how the bar code works.  

- Anthony Weiner offered to have the bar code put on his underwear, but the company realized the only person who takes pictures of Weiner is Weiner!  

Moore Is Less

Michael Moore is full of ideas this week.  First, he proposed that President Obama arrest the CEO of Standard & Poor’s for downgrading the US credit rating.  Now, he’s urging Matt Damon to challenge Obama for President. Damon has become known for his often profanity-laced liberal activism.  Moore said Damon courageously says things that need to be said without caring who he offends.  

- In that case, why don’t we just make Joe Biden the President?

- Donald Trump is already demanding to see Damon’s birth certificate proving he was “Bourne” in the U.S.

The Doofs of Hazzard...

Wednesday, police in Colorado captured the 3-person Dougherty Gang after a high-speed chase and a shootout. The gang’s crime spree began 1,730 miles away in Florida with another shootout and included a bank robbery in Georgia.  Their wild flight from the law became an internet sensation because the “gang” consisted of two brothers, Ryan and Dylan and their sister Lee Grace who happens to be “hot” and works as a stripper.  The web was filled with pictures of her posing in a bikini. 

- She gives a whole new meaning to “America’s Most Wanted”.

- When cops finally arrested them they slapped cuffs on Ryan and Dylan and strip-searched Lee Grace.  

- Hollywood is already making a movie about them called, “Bonnie & The Two Clydes”. 

- Growing up, they must have been heavily influened by Larry, Moe & Curly.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1984, President Reagan joked during a voice test before a radio address that he had “signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes.” 

And later today, President Obama is going to make another statement about Russia:  “We begin borrowing money in five minutes.”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday with our next Podcast! And don’t forget to “Like” us on Facebook and sign-up for our weekly e-mail blast… we’ve got special goodies coming your way!

-Dick

Ben There, Did That!

It looked like the Dow was in for another terrifying day Monday, until Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke took the unprecedented step of declaring that he’d keep interest rates at near-zero for the next two years.  Inverstors breathed a sign of relief and the Dow finished 429 points up. 

- And my blood pressure finished the day 20 points down! 

- Bernanke is now considered the front-runner to win the 2012 Presidential election… despite the fact that he’s not running.