We're Gettin' Hosed. Too Bad Washington Isn't!

Despite Tuesday’s good news on Wall Street, a Gallup poll showed President Obama’s approval rating fell three points in one day. Also, a small fire broke out at the Martha’s Vineyard farm where he’s about to go on vacation. It was put out with no major damage. 

- Too bad the Martha’s Vineyard Fire Department hoses aren’t long enough to hose down Washington.  

- Ben Bernanke immediately announced that he will keep Obama’s approval rating near 50% for at least the next two years.  

- The Obama’s should vacation at Cedar Point so they can enjoy the nauseating “Rollar Coaster” feeling we’re all experiencing. 

"Around The Airport In Eighty Days!"

To mark the 80th Anniversary of the Vancouver International Airport, officials held a contest inspired by the Tom Hanks movie, “The Terminal”. Winner Jaeger Mah gets to live in the airport for 80 days and says he feels like he “won the lottery”.  His 80 days include a free room at the airports attached hotel and 3 free meals a day from any of the airport restaurants. Best of all, he gets a security pass that grants him access to nearly all of the airport’s “secret places”.

- As opposed to TSA agents who have passes that grant them access to all the passenger’s “secret places”.

- His wife wasn’t too thrilled when she found out she was going to have to spend 80 days sitting in the cell phone lot waiting for the call that he’s ready to be picked up.  

- 80 days in an airport?  He’s gonna have to take his shoes off more times than a woman shopping during a sale at DSW! 

- He says he’ll spend a lot of his time working through his emotional baggage.  

Proof That There Should Be A "Stupid" Button On Facebook...

The hacker group Anonymous is threatening to destroy Facebook on November 5th for its failure to protect users’ privacy.  But they’re not alone.  19-year-old John Joaquin of Connecticut allegedly hacked into and took over the Fabebook page and Gmail account of a a 20-year-old woman and told her that to regain control, she’d have to send him nude photos of herself.  She went to the police instead.  Joaquin is now charged with extortion and computer crimes. 

- Worse yet, his own mom “unfriended” him. 

- If he was gay he could have just asked Anthony Weiner for naked pictures of himself and the whole thing could have been resolved without involving the police! 

Breaking News: Hollywood Runs Out Of Ideas!

This year’s new TV shows look a lot like reruns.  First, ABC announced that it was reviving “Charlie’s Angels,” insisting that it would be a more “enlightened, empowering, feminist take”. Now, the Hollywood Reporter reveals that CBS, which already brought back “Hawaii 5-0” has ordered a pilot of a new version of the 60’s sitcom, “Bewitched”.  

- Democrats in Hollywood are lobbying for Michelle Bachmann to be cast in the title role of “Samantha the Witch”. 

- By “enlightened” they mean the new Charlie’s Angels will be better lit to accentuate their cleavage.  

- Also coming to a TV near you: “Leave it Bieber”, and “The Partridge Family Visits Danny Bonaduce in Rehab!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1821, Missouri became the 24th state to enter the union.  It’s known as “The Show-Me-State”. 

- Or it was, until then Governor Bill Clinton stole the slogan for Arkansas.  

Have a great day and don’t forget… voting starts today in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Just click on any one of their ads on this page to cast your vote.  There’s $25,000 to be shared by the ten local charities that receive the most votes!

See you back here Thursday!

-Dick  

Please Don't Read This...

Hurray!  Hurray!  Kwame’s book goes on sale today!  The much-anticipated (by some people, I guess) memoir by the recently freed Kwaminator hits the shelves of 4 - yes - 4 bookstores today!  Meanwhile in a court hearing Monday, both sides argued over whether Hizdishonor should be allowed to profit from sales of the book.  

The state wants proceeds to pay off the nearly 13 grand it cost to incarcerate Kwame; prosecutors want the money to be used to pay off the $860,000 the former mayor still owes the city in restitution, and Kwame wants the money for himself.  

Judge Groner has previously ruled that giving Kwame the money would amount to him profitting from a crime which is illegal in Michigan.  Kwame’s lawyer says keeping the money from him violates his right to free speech.

- They’re calling it, “The Battle of The Sext-es”.

- Kwame’s book will be the first memoir in history to be placed in the “fiction” aisle.  

The New Standard: We're All Poor.

The dow plunged another 634 points Monday in reaction to Standard and Poor’s lowering America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+.  President Obama made a speech to try to calm markets but critis say it probably just made matters worse.  He offered no plan and said that no matter what a credit agency says, America will always be a “Triple-A Country.” 

- Which means we can all get free “Triptiks” to all the vacation destinations we can no longer afford to go to! 

The president also noted that investment guru Warren Buffet said the same thing, not mentioning that on the same day, S&P also downgraded Buffet’s company’s credit rating from stable to negative. 

- Maybe Obama is just a “glass is half-full” kind of guy. 

- I’m going to start taking advice from JIMMY Buffet and head off to “Margaritaville” 

"Could I Get A Doggie Bag For My Caviar?"

It probably didn’t help the Prez’s image that after the disaster on Wall Street, he spent the evening at two reelection fundraisers, one a $7500-a-plate dinner for wealthy donors.  

- Actually, they were wealthy when they were invited to the dinner, but by the time they got there they didn’t even have enough money to tip the valet. 

- People at the dinner were so depressed, instead of yelling “Four More Years!” they were asking the waiters for “Four More Beers!”.

A Shot In The Dark (Or At Least Where The Sun Don't Shine!)

Joshua Seto of Chandler, Arizona is recuperating after he accidentally shot himself in the penis.  Police say he was entering a supermarket with his fiancee when he attempted to tuck her pink handgun into the waistband of his pants, and it went off.  Police are urging residents to practice gun safety and use a holster and they say it’s unclear if Seto suffered any permanent damage.

- Since the bullet went straight through his penis, doctors are worried about brain damage.  

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  A similar thing happened to Betsy Ross’s husband, but his injury involved a musket ball.   

Camelot...Not!

Caroline Kennedy has agreed to give ABC interview tapes of her late mother, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, that Jackie didn’t want realeased until 50 years after her death.  They reportedly contain explosive revelations including Jackie’s belief that Lyndon Johnson and some Texas tycoons conspired with Lee Harvey Oswald to kill her husband and make LBJ President.  

-OMG! She though LBJ offed JFK?  

Jackie also says JFK had an affair with a 19-year old intern, found panties in a White House bed, and delighted in annoying her husband by retaliating with her own affairs, including one with actor William Holden.
 It’s believed Caroline agreed to release the tapes to keep ABC from airing an unflattering series about the Kennedy’s, starring Katie Holmes as Jackie. 

- Who knew Monica Lewinsky’s mother was a White House intern! 

- There have been a lot of comparison’s made between John Kennedy and Bill Clinton, but an unidentified source said, “Close… but no cigar”. 

- Tom Cruise had hoped to play JFK to his wife Katie’s Jackie, but he came up short.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1859, Nathan Amos patented the escalator. 

- Most people were frightened by it.  Some just staired.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

How Low Can We Go?

Financial markets are bracing for more fallout today after Standard & Poors lowered America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+.  There are now over a dozen other nations with better credit than the US, including Lichtenstein. Obama is the first President in history to preside over a lowering of the US credit rating. 

- Right now the President is staring at the White House mailbox hoping he’ll get one of those “Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for a new Mastercard!” 

- It’s not that Lichtenstein’s credit rating is that good… it’s just that none of the people it owes money to, have any idea where it is or where to send the collection notices. 

- Wow.  With the lowered credit rating, Congressmen are gonna have a heckuva time getting a loan approved when they try to buy a private jet! 

- The U.S. Government’s credit is so bad, even Art Van is demanding that they pay up front for the new leather sectional they bought for the “Credit Crisis Super Committee” meeting room. 

Got (Lots Of) Milk?

Saturday, women from around the the US marked World Breastfeeding Week by attempting to break the world record for the most women breastfeeding in public simulaneously.  They gathered in groups in various cities at 10 a.m. Central Time for what was dubbed the National “Big Latch On”.  The goal is to reduce the stigma of women nursing in public. 

- Men around the country dubbed the event the National “Big Peep Show”. 

- There was a much lower turn out for the National “Feed Your Infant Pureed Peas Out Of A Jar” event. 

- They’re haven’t been this many boobs on display in one place since the “Debt Ceiling Debate” last week. 

Hooters Flat Busted!

The Las Vegas Hooters Resort and Casino ha filed for bankruptcy protection, citing over $162 million in debts. Analysts asked how a casino/hotel full of Hooters Girls coupld possibly loose money in Vegas, but debt holders say that Hooters kept raising it’s executives’ pay, including a 61% raise to over, $307,000, not counting bonuses, for their CFO even as the resort neared bankruptcy. 

- Question:  Isn’t working at the CFO at Hooter’s a “bonus” in and of itself? 

- Hooters vows it will pay back all of it’s creditors eventually, but it will all be in one dollar bills. 

- They just didn’t make as much on the slut, I mean, SLOT machines as they thought. 

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures...

ABC confirmed that the uncoming 8th season of “Desperate Housewives” will be it’s last.  Creator Marc Cherry said he’s “very aware of people overstaying their welcome,” and he didn’t want that to happen to the ladies of Wisteria Lane.  He also shot down rumors of any spin-offs, saying he doesn’t want to repeat himself.  

- Then, just to clairfy, he added, “I don’t want to repeat myself”. 

- It was orginally planned for Charlie Sheen to join the show for a proposed 9th Season, but execs realized that nobody would believe the housewives were that desperate.

Stick A Fork In Him...

Another spoiler has leaded from the seaon premiere of “Two and a Half Men”.  According to TMZ.com, creator Chuck Lorre really got his revege on Charlie Sheen through his character “Charlie Harper”.  When last seen, Charlie was flying to Paris with his stalker girlfriend Rose.  She reportedly returns to the show to reveal that the two married, then the next day she caught him in the shower with another woman, and then, while waiting for a subway he somehow “slipped” and fell in front of the train, resulting in a “meat explosion”.  

- I’m not surprised.  Charlie Sheen has been a train-wreck for years! 

- True to character, Charlie allegedly hit on a female EMS worker before kicking the bucket. 

- At the last second, he reported converted to Islam so he could get his hands on those 72 virgins.

We Still Love Lucy!

Saturday, Lucille Ball’s hometown of Jamestown, New York, celebrated what wouldn’ve been her 100th birthday by setting a new world record for the most people dresed as Lucy Ricardo at one time.  There were 915 men and women dressed in upswept red hair, red lipstick and 1950’s dresses.  

- They called it the great “Ba-Ba-Loo-cy!”

- One woman was shocked when she saw a picture of her husband decked out in Lucy drag in the local paper… sayin’ “Somebody’s got some splainin’ to do!”  

BONUS PHOTO:  Purtan’s People portray Lucy, Ricky, Fred & Ethel in one of our calendars for Children’s Hospital! 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dicky Ricardo

Podcast #3

It’s Friday… and time for our 3rd weekly Podcast! Today I welcome back Big Al as we discuss everything from the Financial meltdown to the emotional meltdown that I’m about to have following the “Return of the Woodpecker”… Yes, he has returned! Hear it all… and lots more… by simply clicking on the link below!

Podcast for August 5, 2011  (15 min, 18 sec.) 

 

All Photos Courtesy of Jill Purtan

Podcast for Aug. 5, 2011

Born In Hawaii. Turns 5-0!

President Obama turns the big 5-0 today, and he celebrated last night in Chicago with a star-studded political fundraising dinner.  Jennifer Hudson and Herbie Hancock entertained at the party which cost $38,500 a plate. Critics slammed it as insensitive at a time when the economy is stalling and many Americans are desperate for jobs.  But the White House says the Prez isn’t ignoring that: he plans to leave later this month for a bus tour of the Midwest to promote jobs. 

- Obama says this will give one unemployed bus driver a job!

- It’s tough to blow out fifty candles… then again he’s a politician. He’s got more than enough hot air to get the job done. 

- Why ask cash-strapped Amerians to donate to his re-election campaign?  Why not just borrow the money from China? 

- They say the party was quite raucus and “raised the roof”. Which makes this the second ceiling Obama has raised in less than a week!  

- Oprah showed up and gave him a very special Birthday present… A Second Term! 

When Push Came To Shove... She Finished The Test!

AboveTheLaw.com reports that an extremely pregnant Northwestern law student was taking the final three-hour session of the Illinois bar exam when she went into labor.  But despite contractions coming ever 15 minutes, she calmly finished the exam before going to the hospital and giving birth to a healthy baby just two hours later. 

- Sounds to me like she pulled an “all-nighter” about nine months before the exam! 

 - She knew what to do because of all those “Law-maze” classes she’d taken! 

- After this experience, she’s decided she wants to become a labor lawyer.