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Woman Cries "Uncle"!

An Oklahoma woman named Maria Cooper told ABC that her late uncle was the infamous D.B. Cooper, who parachuted from a plane over the Pacific Northwest 1n1971 with $200,000 in skyjack ransom money and was never seen again. Maria says she remembers her uncle admitting he’d hijacked a plane when he showed up at their Ohio home days later looking bruised and battered.  Although she was only 8, she says her uncle Lynn Doyle Cooper (known as “L.D. Cooper” to her family) said he lost most of the money in the jump.  Then she said he sort of disappeared. She believes he died in 1999.  

- Not to question her credibility, but she also added that her Grandfather kidnapped the Lindberg baby and that she knows where Jimmy Hoffa is.  

- True or not, it does make me miss the good old days when all we had to worry about was a guy demanding money and jumping out of a plane without hurting anybody on board!  

- To honor L.D.’s final wishes, the family had him creamated, strapped a parachute to the urn and pushed him out the door of a moving plane over the Pacific Northwest.  

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His Push-Up Bra Collection Is Equally As Impressive...

An off-duty cop in Florida saw a pair of pink women’s panties with the tag still attached hanging out of the pocket of 57-year-old Benjamin Gilbert Kennedy at a store and reported him. Kennedy struggled with the cops and gave a bunch of fake names before they finally managed to search him and find that he had a polo shirt and 25 pairs of panties shoved inside his shorts and the girdle he was wearing.  

- You should have heard the thong and dance his lawyer gave the judge!

- You have to admit, it takes a real man to wear pink… panties. 

- He said he stole the polo shirt because the panties were pretty revealing and he likes to leave a little something to the imagination.

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Hugh Hefner: Back From The Dead?

Some of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends talked him into trying the new Internet fad of “planking” by posing for a photo lying flat on his face on the Playboy Mansion dining table. But after they Tweeted the photo, they had to reassure worried followers that it wasn’t a photo of Hef’s dead body.  

- Call me crazy, but hasn’t Hef made a whole career out of “planking”? 

- They had to wait 36 hours to get the Cialis out of his system so he could lie face down. 

- His girlfriends tried it first, but their implants kept bouncing off the table! 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1966, John Lennon made his ill-fated remark about the Beatles being bigger than Jesus, which led to churches holding mass burnings of Beatles records.  

 

 

- Ironically that same year I burned every copy of “My Baby Does The Hanky Panky”.

 

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RIP...

Michigan State All-American and NFL Hall of Famer Bubba Smith dead at the age of 66.  

 

Have a great day and we’ll see your right back here Friday for our 3rd Podcast!

-Dick

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"It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's Super Congress!"

Tuesday, the Senate passed the debt limit bill.  It calls for a bipartisan committee of legislators from both Houses who will decide what $1.2 Trillion to cut from the budget.  This will give those lawmakers such unprecedented power that there are already fights over who will be on the committee.  Some are referring to it as the “Super Congress”. 

- I don’t think most Americans believe there is anything “Super” about Congress.  

- By the time they finish arguing over who gets to be on the committee, we’ll have reached the new debt ceiling anyway.   

- The head of the “Super Congress” will not only have a gavel, but wear tights, a flowing cape and a decoder ring. 

- If they actually come to an agreement on cuts, the whole country will experience “Shock and Awe”.

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Happiness Is A Warm Cookie!

There may be a scientific reason why people eat cookies when they’re depressed: fatty foods make us happy. The National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases gave subjects an injection, then played sad music and showed them sad photos.  Those who got an injection of saturated fat stayed happier than those who got saline.  The bottom line: Fatty acids appear to comfort people’s psyches and make them less vulnerable to sadness.  

- If you eat enough saturated fat your “bottom line” will start looking like Kim Kardashian’s! 

- There aren’t enough cookies in the world to keep “Big Al” from being sad when he watches “Titanic”.  

- Now we know why McDonald’s Happy Meals make kids so darn happy! 

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Tooth Fairy Falls On Hard Times.

Here’s another indicator that the economy is in trouble:  the Tooth Fairy is hurting for money.  A phone survey of 1,006 parents by Visa found that the average amount of money left under the pillow for a tooth has dropped from $3 to $2.60 in the last year alone.  One mom said if you have multiple kids losing multiple teeth in a year, the recession can really effect the Tooth Fairy. 

- Apparently this was the first decision on spending cuts by the new “Super Congress”.   

- This gives new meaning to the expression “Money is the ‘root’ of all evil”. 

- In a related story, Santa Claus has reportedly laid off 200 elves, and the Easter Bunny has let go nearly half of his Jelly Bean Counters.  

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"He Looks Like He's Just Sleeping..."

Deadline.com reports that the super-secret script of the season premiere of “Two And A Half Men” has been leaked, and Charlie Sheen’s character does indeed die.  The episode allegedly features celebrities coming to look at his home for sale, and all Charlie’s ex-girlfriends returning for his funeral.  Two anonymous staffers said the show’s creator Chuck Lorre (who is being sued by Sheen for firing him) got a “big vicarious thrill” out of writing it because it was the next best thing to killing Charlie for real.  

- Instead of flowers, the characters will all lay bricks of cocaine on his casket. 

- The service will end with a stirring rendition of Charlie’s favorite hymn, “Nearer My Goddesses To Thee”. 

- Eight “adult” actresses will serve as the porn-bearers… I mean Pall-bearers. 

- With this plot, I’m sure CBS will be “Winning!” in the ratings. 

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Oprah's Gonna OWN An Oscar!

The Motion Picture Academy announced that at next year’s Oscars, the Jean Hersholdt Humanitarian Award will go to Oprah Winfrey. 

 

 

- For her single-handed efforts to keep Gayle King employed.  

- I just hope they don’t ask David Letterman to host the show again.  I couldn’t handle another “Oprah… Uma.  Uma… Oprah” moment. 

- Oprah’s going to surprise everyone in the audience by giving them their very own “Best Actor” Oscar! 

 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Spain on a Voyage to India that would instead bring him to America. 

- If he had found India instead of America, today we’d all be advising the people in India with their computer problems! 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Attention Ladies: Kwame's Back On The Streets!

If you woke up this morning with a smile on your face and you’re not sure why… I think I’ve got the answer: Kwame’s outta jail!  Yes, at 6:15ish this morning the one and only Kwaminator strolled out of the Hooscow in Jackson and stepped into a waiting SUV.  He was whisked off to the Federal building downtown for some formalities and then dissappeared.  He has 24 hours to get his butt down to Texas to check in with his parole officer.  In the days leading up to his getting sprung, he tweeted about missing his sons, looking forward to Carlita’s great cooking and that God has big plans for him.  

- Not as big as the Feds’ plans for him… but still, pretty big. 

- As he left the prison, Kwame reportedly shouted, “Free at last! Free at last! God almighty, I’m free to sext women, take bribes, and throw more “non-existent” parties  at last!”

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If You Don't Like The Sandwich... Wait Til You Try The Soup!

Last night, the House passed the debt limit deal, and the Senate is set to vote at noon today.  Still, neither side is happy.  Some Democrats are furious saying it calls for draconian spending cuts with no tax increases. Missouri Congressman Emanuel Cleaver called it a “Satan Sandwich”. 

- I always thought a “Satan Sandwich” was what you made with Deviled Ham. 

- Cleaver is being such a baby he says he won’t eat the “Satan Sandwich” unless someone cuts the crust off first. 

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If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

While the politicians are unhappy with the budget deal, Americans are unhappy with the way it was hammered out.  A Washington Post/Pew poll asked people to choose one word to describe the negotiations they’ve been watching for the past few weeks.  Only 2% chose a positive word. The top 27 words were all negative.  The #1 word chosen was “ridiculous,” with “disgusting, “stupid,” “frustrating,” “poor,” “terrible,” “disappointing,” “childish,” “messy,” and “joke” rounding out the top ten. 

- But enough about critiques of this website…

- Politicians immediately countered that it was a “ridiculous, disgusting, stupid, frustrating, poor, terrible, disappointing, childish, messy joke of a poll!”

- So I guess we can rule out Congress and the Senate getting too many “Likes’ on their official facebook fan pages today.  

- My teacher used those exact words to describe my behavior to my mother during my 3rd grade Parent-Teacher Conference! 

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Wait Until You Hear About Her "Baker's Dozen"!

29-year-old Dunking Donuts employee Melissa Redmond of New York is facing prostitution charges after police got a tip that she was taking breaks during her overnight shift to sell sexual services.  An undercover cop said she would go out to the parking lot and offer men in cars a variety of things from her “special menu”.  Police called their six-week sting operation “extra sugar”. 

- How is it possible that it took six weeks for the cops to figure this out?  There were probably five or six of them there at the donut shop during her shift everynight! 

- I’ve seen her mugshot… she has this “glazed” look in her eye. 

- What ever happened to dunkin your donut in coffee?  

- Her lawyer is fighting jail time saying it would constitute “Crueller Unusual Punishment”. 

- When she asked if you’d be interested in trying her honey-buns, she wasn’t kidding! 

- At first police thought she was also dealing coke, but it turned out it was just powdered sugar.

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Do Not Try This At Home! (Or Anywhere Else For That Matter)

A study by Georgetown University School of Medicine found that the trendy colon cleansing offered by spas and clinics has no significant health benefits and could have side effects including vomiting, kidney failure and even death.  The so called “colonic irrigation” is done with laxatives, teas, powders and enemas and some celebrities have endorsed it.  But the head researcher says there’s no evidence it does anything constructive for our bodies. 

- In other words, it’s just a bunch of B.S. 

- Big Al once experienced “colonic irrigation” accidentally when he started to fall while waterskiing and forgot to let go of the rope.  (He says trust him on this one… always let go of the rope!) 

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, 50 members of the Continental Congress in Philadelphia officially signed the Declaration of Independence, which told the King of England that they were forming their own nation because he was oppressive and overtaxing.  

- It took so long to get it signed because they had to wait for the Tea Party participants to ride in from Boston.    

 

 

Have a great day and don’t forget that you only have until midnight tonight to nominate your favorite local charity in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! There’s a total of $25,000 up for grabs! Just click on one of their ads on this website for info! But hurry! Nominations must be in today!

See you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

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End Of World Averted!

It looks like the world might not be ending tomorrow after all.  Last night, President Obama and Congressional leaders agreed on a budget deal with just one day before the so-called default deadline. The vote will be held today and while neither side seems happy with it, both got some things they wanted…

For instance… Obama got his longterm extension of the debt ceiling, allowing the U.S. to borrow up to $2.1 trill more, which should get him past the next election.

- He’ll use the majority of that money for button campaign buttons reading:  “Can We Borrow More Money?  Yes We Can!”

- He’s still sticking to “Change You Can Believe In”… and $2.1 Trillion is a whole lotta change.

Meanwhile Republicans got $2.4 trillion in deficit reduction.  That’s less than they wanted, but it was all spending cuts, and eliminated the tax hikes the Dems wanted.

- Including the one to buy Obama a new teleprompter.  

- The first spending cut:  Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank will now share the same handbag.  

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"I Like You, You Like Me... We're A Happy Family!"

A top professor at Oxford says that Facebook and Twitter re-wiring people’s brains to create a generation of child-like adults who are so self-obsessed, they need constant positive feedback.  She added that all the appeals to people to “Like” and comment on every post are making adults act like toddlers who demand attention by saying, “Look what I did Mommy!” - even if it’s as simple as eating breakfast. 

- I know the feeling… I put up a post this weekend about “Spongebob Squarepants” and only two people left comments.  

- The only group people don’t feel a need to hit the “Like” button on, is their Congressman’s page.  

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