Kwame Hours Away From Trading "Cell" For "Cell Phone"...

Kwame Kilpatrick gets sprung from the Hooscow early tomorrow morning and will have 24 hours to report to his new parole officer in Texas.  Part of his early release stipulates that he “actively look for work” and insiders believe that in addition to promoting  his new memoir, the Kwaminator will do motivational speaking. 

- And with $800,000 in cash he still owes in restitution, he’s got plenty of “motivation” to speak. 

- Kwame says the first thing he wants to do when he gets back to his family in Texas is play ball with his kids.  Carlita has volunteered to be the first one “at bat”. 

- Word has it he spent hours in the prison yard lifting weights with his thumbs so he’ll be able to get back to sexting right away! 

66 Is The New 36... D???

LA Fitness polled 2000 people in Great Britain to choose their “Body of the Year” winners.  The poll asked which celebrity had the best body, regardles of age.  David Beckham topped the men’s list, followed by Daniel Craig.  But the #1 female body winner was 66-year-old Dame Helen Mirren.  She beat out Elle MacPherson, Jennifer Lopez and (gasp) Pippa Middleton. 

- Jennifer Lopez was mad… but Pippa Middleton decided to turn the other cheek. 

- Headlines in Britain read:  “Mirren, Mirren on the wall… You’re the fairest of them all!”

- David Beckhams wife Victoria didn’t make the “best body” list, but came in right behind King Tut in the “Best Skeleton” poll. 

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1877, the song “Chopsticks” was composed. 

- As a kid I took piano lessons for two-and-a- half years,  and to this day it’s the only song I can play on the piano.  

Also on this day in 1950, Jasper, Indiana, instituted the first garbage collecting service in America. 

- Prior to that, people just threw their garbage in the neighbor’s yard.  

Have a great day and remember… tomorrow, Tuesday, is the last day for you to submit your favorite local charity for their chance to win a share of $25,000 in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”!  Just click on any of their ads on this website for more info!

Good luck and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers... It's All In Our 2nd Podcast!

It’s Friday… and that means it’s time for our second-ever Podcast!  Just click on the link below to find out what I’ve been up to this week.  BTW… for those of you who mentioned wanting to have something to “look at” while you’re listening, we’re working on that and will have something up soon.  For now, you’ll have to settle for this picture of Pippa’s “Rear Royale” - which I thought in these troubled times is a pleasant thing to look at!

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers…  10:56

From Birthdays to Woodpeckers...

Poll Dancing?

The continuing battle over the debt ceiling is taking a toll on the approval ratings of incumbents in both parties.  A new harris Poll found that if the election were held today, President Obama would lose to either Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney while an Obama-Ron Paul Race would be a dead heat.  

- A similar poll found that an Obama-Mrs. Paul race would be a landslide because although they don’t know her policies, Americans really like her fish sticks!

The Harris Poll also found that Michigan’s Thaddeus McCotter, from the 11th District representing western Wayne and Oakland counties, who is completely unknown to 92% of Americans would still draw 43% of the vote against the Prez.  

NOTE: After the first Republican debate, they’ll know who Thaddeus McCotter is because he’s incredibly smart, a terrific speaker, and has a great sense of humor!  I may be a little biased here because he commemorated my retirement from radio on floor of the U.S. House of Representatives!

Briton's Hit Bottom Over Pippa!

Pippa Middleton’s derierre drew a lot of attention in that white, skin-tight maid-of-honor dress she wore to her sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William… and now it’s actually changing the “face” of plastic surgery, so to speak. Plastic surgeons say while breast implants used to be the rage, now it’s all about the behind.  And while some women don’t want to go as far as getting a Kim Kardashian butt, they are lining up to go under the knife to get a replica of Pippa’s posterior. 

- I remember a similar trend happened here in Detroit when Kwame’s Dad married Carolyn “Cheeks” Kilpatrick.

- When Kate heard the news she reportedly sighed and said, “It’s always the bridesmaid… never the bride!”

- Prince Charlie’s marriage to long-time love Camilla sparked a wave of “re-shoeing”. 

Subject Grilled After Sausage Attack...

Police in Iowa have charged a woman, Tajuana Banks, with assault with a bratwurst.  Connie Jones said Banks regularly visits her home and tries to start fights.  This time, when Jones refused to fight, she claims Banks began spewing expletives, picked up a nearby bratwurst and hurled it at her chest.  Police documented grease stains on Jones cloths and noted that Banks said she’d do it again if given the opportunity. 

- Passersby were heard yelling, “Hey… is that a Johnsonville Brat?”

- Keith Olbermann has proclaimed Banks… “The Wurst Person In The World!”

- Prosecutors believe it will be an open and shut casing, uh, case.  

Why "Happy Meals" Need Prozac...

McDonald’s has caved to pressure from health activists who are trying to ban Happy Meals and has agreed to revamp them.  Starting in September, the French fry portions in Happy Meals will be cut by MORE THAN HALF, and the missing fries will be replaced with apple slices with no dressing or dipping sauce!  That will bring the calorie count down to 600.  The good news?  There will still be a toy! 

- An edible toy made out of fried potato strips called “Captain French Fry”!

- Soon kids will be having their birthday parties at “Chuck E. Low-Fat Reduced-Sodium, Cheese”!  

- The toy will be a gun which will be useful to steal more fries from the guy at the next table.  

Alex Trebek In Jeopardy?

“Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek appeared on crutches Wednesday to host the National Geographic World Championship in California.  He snapped his Achilles tendon on one leg, and injured the other while falling down as he was chasing a burglar who’d stolen cash and jewelry from his hotel room. Police have arrested 56-year-old Lucinda Moyers on suspicion of burglary.  

- During his recovery, game show execs have decided to have him fill-in for Pat Sajak on a special edition of “Wheel of Mis-Fortune”. 

- I hope the suspect is convicted the first time… otherwise, “Double Jeopardy” could apply. 

- Trebek admitted that she was a polite burglar… saying, “I’ll take Jewelry and $2000, Alex”.  

- In a rare move, members of the jury will listen to the Jeopardy theme song while writing down their verdicts. 

Today's Almanac

On this date in 1866, the metric system became a legal measurement system in the U.S. 

- Which gave rise to the well-known expression “Give him a centimeter… and he’ll take a kilometer!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow for our 2nd Podcast!  Hope you’ll tune in!

-Dick

"The Check's In The Mail... I Promise!!!"

As both R and D Congressional leaders scramble to come up with a passable plan on the debt ceiling, there are reports that President Obama is talking out of both sides of his mouth.  Some media outlets are reporting that while the Prez is warning the public of the economic Armageddon that might ensue if the debt limit isn’t raised by next Tuesday, his staffers were quietly assuring major banks that the US won’t default on it’s debts and has enough money to keep paying it’s bills for weeks beyond that. 

- There are reports that when debt collectors call the White House, the Prez changes his voice and tells them “I’m sorry.  The Obama’s don’t live here anymore.”

- Things are so bad, Canada won’t even loan us a cup of Sugar! 

- Why don’t they just call one of those debt consolidation guys who advertise on TV!  They can consolidate our trillion dollar deficit into one low, easy monthly payment!  

Breaking News! Men & Women Think Differently!

A poll of 70,000 people by AskMen.com and Comso magazine found that men and women have very different values when it comes to partners.  Among the findings:  39% of men think family is the ultimate status symbol, while 41% of women chose a beautiful house and 25% said it was a successful partner.  

- Just look at Arnold Schwartzenegger… He values family so much, he has TWO of them! 

On the romantic side: 51% of men wish they were better endowed, while only 18% of women wished their mate was, more, uh, “enhanced”.  Also, nearly half of men said they would dump their partner if she gained weight, while only 20% of women would do that.  And two-thirds of men have fantasized about their partner’s friends, while only 1/3 of women have done that. 

- Maybe the men are simply misinterpreting that whole “Friends… With Benefits” thing! 

- So size does matter!  To men!  

- Basically men wish they were “bigger” and their wives were “smaller”.  

The South Shall Rise Again... But Not These Guys!

The AP reports that under a tax passed in 1903, Alabama residents are still paying an extra portion of property tax to support Confederate War veterans - even though the last one died in the 1930’s.  $400,000 of the tax money goes towards the upkeep of Confederate Memorial Park. 

- I hope they don’t close the park before this summer’s 146th annual production of “Damn Yankees”!

- So apparently the South not only won’t admit it lost the Civil War, it won’t admit that the guys who fought in it are dead. 

- I think the tax money they collect should go to dead people in Chicago… at least they still vote! 

Speaking Of The Civil War...

A new tell-all book entitled “Damn YOU” paints quite a picture of Gone With The Wind star Vivian Leigh. Although it is well-known that the woman who portrayed “Scarlett O’Hara” suffered from depression, the new book claims she was a bisexual who liked “rough sex” with male prostitutes, had many lesbian affairs and loved to taunt her husband, Lawrence Olivier, with her infidelities.  

- So it wasn’t really Ashley Wilkes she was after all those years… it was Melanie!

- Producers of the movie suspected she might be a lesbian when Vivian suggested that Scarlett use the green velvet drapes to make a pantsuit instead of a dress.    

- When Clark Gable heard the rumor he reportedly said, “You gotta be s——- me?” (And you thought I was going to say “I don’t give a damn”!)

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1586, Sir Walter Raleigh arrived in England with his first load of tobacco from Virginia.

- And immediately announced, “Smoke ‘em if though hast them!” 

I'm Assuming He'll Have A Carrot Cake...

Happy Birthday!

Bugs Bunny is 71 today!  Now when he goes for a physical check-up and says, “What’s up, Doc?” the doctor replies, “Your blood pressure!”

Have a great day… and don’t forget… the deadline to submit your favorite local charity in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway” is next Tuesday!  There’s $25,000 up for grabs!  Just click on any of their ads on this website for more info and good luck! 

See you back here Thursday!

-Dick

"He Said, He Said"

Last night, President Obama and Speaker John Boehner made unprecedented back-to-back prime time TV appearances to present their respective cases on the debt limit talks.  

- It was kind of like watching Divorce Court without Judge Judy! 

- Why don’t they just cut to the chase and play “Rock, Paper, Scissors”?

- Just out of camera range, cheering the President on, was Nancy Pelosi… who had just flown in on a corporate jet.   

MUST SEE TV!!!

The Rev. Joe Nelms of the Family Baptist Church in Gladeville, Tennessee, delievered a rather memorable invocation before Saturday night’s NASCAR race.  Nelms prayer read like a commercial for everything from Goodyear Tires to Sunoco racing fuel and even borrowed a line from Will Ferrell’s character Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights.  Over the loud-speaker he thanked God for his “smokin’ hot wife” and ended with “In Jesus’ name, boogity, boogity, boggity, amen!”  

Do yourself a favor and take :59 seconds out of your day to watch this…

"Is It Cold In Here Or Is It Just Me?"

A South African man awoke to find himself in the cooler in a morgue 21 hours after his family believed he had died of an asthma attack.  A health official says the man started yelling, prompting morgue workers to run away in fear.  They eventually went back and took him to the hospital where he was pronounced stable and alive. The mortuary owner urged South Africans to call on health officials to confirm that their relatives are dead before taking them to the morgue. 

- He slept for 21 hours?  He might not have been dead, but he was dead tired!

- The man’s family thought he was giving them “the cold shoulder” for taking him to the morgue… but then realized his shoulder was just cold from being in the fridge.  

Not Exactly The Walton Family!

Police in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, arrested 40-year-old Lon Allen Groves after a brief stand-off at his home. They say that Groves was drunk and had been arguing with his wife when he suddenly pushed her to the floor and held a 9mm pistol to her head.  They’d been arguing over which granddaughter was her favorite.  

- The “favorite” granddaughter must be so proud! 

- This Thanksgiving it’ll be “Over the river and through the woods… to Grandfather’s jail we go!”

- The man’s father, aged 50, had no comment about his 40-year-old son’s behavior.