Butt Betting!

As part of a sponsorship deal with the betting company Betfair, the hot British women’s Olympic beach volleyball duo, Shauna Mullin and Zara Dampney, will be encouraging fans to take pictures of their butts. Each of them with have a Quick Response bar code on the backs of their teeny bikini bottoms.  When photographed by a smart phone, it automatically takes users to Betfair’s website.  A spokesman said there’s no better way to test the bar code’s effectiveness “than by putting them on one of the places that is likely to get photographed the most.”

- They also put the bar code on Kim Karsashian’s bikini bottom,  along with the company logo, mission statement and a four page description of how the bar code works.  

- Anthony Weiner offered to have the bar code put on his underwear, but the company realized the only person who takes pictures of Weiner is Weiner!  

Moore Is Less

Michael Moore is full of ideas this week.  First, he proposed that President Obama arrest the CEO of Standard & Poor’s for downgrading the US credit rating.  Now, he’s urging Matt Damon to challenge Obama for President. Damon has become known for his often profanity-laced liberal activism.  Moore said Damon courageously says things that need to be said without caring who he offends.  

- In that case, why don’t we just make Joe Biden the President?

- Donald Trump is already demanding to see Damon’s birth certificate proving he was “Bourne” in the U.S.

The Doofs of Hazzard...

Wednesday, police in Colorado captured the 3-person Dougherty Gang after a high-speed chase and a shootout. The gang’s crime spree began 1,730 miles away in Florida with another shootout and included a bank robbery in Georgia.  Their wild flight from the law became an internet sensation because the “gang” consisted of two brothers, Ryan and Dylan and their sister Lee Grace who happens to be “hot” and works as a stripper.  The web was filled with pictures of her posing in a bikini. 

- She gives a whole new meaning to “America’s Most Wanted”.

- When cops finally arrested them they slapped cuffs on Ryan and Dylan and strip-searched Lee Grace.  

- Hollywood is already making a movie about them called, “Bonnie & The Two Clydes”. 

- Growing up, they must have been heavily influened by Larry, Moe & Curly.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1984, President Reagan joked during a voice test before a radio address that he had “signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.  We begin bombing in five minutes.” 

And later today, President Obama is going to make another statement about Russia:  “We begin borrowing money in five minutes.”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday with our next Podcast! And don’t forget to “Like” us on Facebook and sign-up for our weekly e-mail blast… we’ve got special goodies coming your way!

-Dick

Ben There, Did That!

It looked like the Dow was in for another terrifying day Monday, until Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke took the unprecedented step of declaring that he’d keep interest rates at near-zero for the next two years.  Inverstors breathed a sign of relief and the Dow finished 429 points up. 

- And my blood pressure finished the day 20 points down! 

- Bernanke is now considered the front-runner to win the 2012 Presidential election… despite the fact that he’s not running. 

We're Gettin' Hosed. Too Bad Washington Isn't!

Despite Tuesday’s good news on Wall Street, a Gallup poll showed President Obama’s approval rating fell three points in one day. Also, a small fire broke out at the Martha’s Vineyard farm where he’s about to go on vacation. It was put out with no major damage. 

- Too bad the Martha’s Vineyard Fire Department hoses aren’t long enough to hose down Washington.  

- Ben Bernanke immediately announced that he will keep Obama’s approval rating near 50% for at least the next two years.  

- The Obama’s should vacation at Cedar Point so they can enjoy the nauseating “Rollar Coaster” feeling we’re all experiencing. 

"Around The Airport In Eighty Days!"

To mark the 80th Anniversary of the Vancouver International Airport, officials held a contest inspired by the Tom Hanks movie, “The Terminal”. Winner Jaeger Mah gets to live in the airport for 80 days and says he feels like he “won the lottery”.  His 80 days include a free room at the airports attached hotel and 3 free meals a day from any of the airport restaurants. Best of all, he gets a security pass that grants him access to nearly all of the airport’s “secret places”.

- As opposed to TSA agents who have passes that grant them access to all the passenger’s “secret places”.

- His wife wasn’t too thrilled when she found out she was going to have to spend 80 days sitting in the cell phone lot waiting for the call that he’s ready to be picked up.  

- 80 days in an airport?  He’s gonna have to take his shoes off more times than a woman shopping during a sale at DSW! 

- He says he’ll spend a lot of his time working through his emotional baggage.  

Proof That There Should Be A "Stupid" Button On Facebook...

The hacker group Anonymous is threatening to destroy Facebook on November 5th for its failure to protect users’ privacy.  But they’re not alone.  19-year-old John Joaquin of Connecticut allegedly hacked into and took over the Fabebook page and Gmail account of a a 20-year-old woman and told her that to regain control, she’d have to send him nude photos of herself.  She went to the police instead.  Joaquin is now charged with extortion and computer crimes. 

- Worse yet, his own mom “unfriended” him. 

- If he was gay he could have just asked Anthony Weiner for naked pictures of himself and the whole thing could have been resolved without involving the police! 

Breaking News: Hollywood Runs Out Of Ideas!

This year’s new TV shows look a lot like reruns.  First, ABC announced that it was reviving “Charlie’s Angels,” insisting that it would be a more “enlightened, empowering, feminist take”. Now, the Hollywood Reporter reveals that CBS, which already brought back “Hawaii 5-0” has ordered a pilot of a new version of the 60’s sitcom, “Bewitched”.  

- Democrats in Hollywood are lobbying for Michelle Bachmann to be cast in the title role of “Samantha the Witch”. 

- By “enlightened” they mean the new Charlie’s Angels will be better lit to accentuate their cleavage.  

- Also coming to a TV near you: “Leave it Bieber”, and “The Partridge Family Visits Danny Bonaduce in Rehab!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1821, Missouri became the 24th state to enter the union.  It’s known as “The Show-Me-State”. 

- Or it was, until then Governor Bill Clinton stole the slogan for Arkansas.  

Have a great day and don’t forget… voting starts today in the Suburban Collection’s “Great Charity Giveaway”! Just click on any one of their ads on this page to cast your vote.  There’s $25,000 to be shared by the ten local charities that receive the most votes!

See you back here Thursday!

-Dick  

Please Don't Read This...

Hurray!  Hurray!  Kwame’s book goes on sale today!  The much-anticipated (by some people, I guess) memoir by the recently freed Kwaminator hits the shelves of 4 - yes - 4 bookstores today!  Meanwhile in a court hearing Monday, both sides argued over whether Hizdishonor should be allowed to profit from sales of the book.  

The state wants proceeds to pay off the nearly 13 grand it cost to incarcerate Kwame; prosecutors want the money to be used to pay off the $860,000 the former mayor still owes the city in restitution, and Kwame wants the money for himself.  

Judge Groner has previously ruled that giving Kwame the money would amount to him profitting from a crime which is illegal in Michigan.  Kwame’s lawyer says keeping the money from him violates his right to free speech.

- They’re calling it, “The Battle of The Sext-es”.

- Kwame’s book will be the first memoir in history to be placed in the “fiction” aisle.  

The New Standard: We're All Poor.

The dow plunged another 634 points Monday in reaction to Standard and Poor’s lowering America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+.  President Obama made a speech to try to calm markets but critis say it probably just made matters worse.  He offered no plan and said that no matter what a credit agency says, America will always be a “Triple-A Country.” 

- Which means we can all get free “Triptiks” to all the vacation destinations we can no longer afford to go to! 

The president also noted that investment guru Warren Buffet said the same thing, not mentioning that on the same day, S&P also downgraded Buffet’s company’s credit rating from stable to negative. 

- Maybe Obama is just a “glass is half-full” kind of guy. 

- I’m going to start taking advice from JIMMY Buffet and head off to “Margaritaville” 

"Could I Get A Doggie Bag For My Caviar?"

It probably didn’t help the Prez’s image that after the disaster on Wall Street, he spent the evening at two reelection fundraisers, one a $7500-a-plate dinner for wealthy donors.  

- Actually, they were wealthy when they were invited to the dinner, but by the time they got there they didn’t even have enough money to tip the valet. 

- People at the dinner were so depressed, instead of yelling “Four More Years!” they were asking the waiters for “Four More Beers!”.

A Shot In The Dark (Or At Least Where The Sun Don't Shine!)

Joshua Seto of Chandler, Arizona is recuperating after he accidentally shot himself in the penis.  Police say he was entering a supermarket with his fiancee when he attempted to tuck her pink handgun into the waistband of his pants, and it went off.  Police are urging residents to practice gun safety and use a holster and they say it’s unclear if Seto suffered any permanent damage.

- Since the bullet went straight through his penis, doctors are worried about brain damage.  

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  A similar thing happened to Betsy Ross’s husband, but his injury involved a musket ball.   

Camelot...Not!

Caroline Kennedy has agreed to give ABC interview tapes of her late mother, Jackie Kennedy Onassis, that Jackie didn’t want realeased until 50 years after her death.  They reportedly contain explosive revelations including Jackie’s belief that Lyndon Johnson and some Texas tycoons conspired with Lee Harvey Oswald to kill her husband and make LBJ President.  

-OMG! She though LBJ offed JFK?  

Jackie also says JFK had an affair with a 19-year old intern, found panties in a White House bed, and delighted in annoying her husband by retaliating with her own affairs, including one with actor William Holden.
 It’s believed Caroline agreed to release the tapes to keep ABC from airing an unflattering series about the Kennedy’s, starring Katie Holmes as Jackie. 

- Who knew Monica Lewinsky’s mother was a White House intern! 

- There have been a lot of comparison’s made between John Kennedy and Bill Clinton, but an unidentified source said, “Close… but no cigar”. 

- Tom Cruise had hoped to play JFK to his wife Katie’s Jackie, but he came up short.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1859, Nathan Amos patented the escalator. 

- Most people were frightened by it.  Some just staired.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

How Low Can We Go?

Financial markets are bracing for more fallout today after Standard & Poors lowered America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+.  There are now over a dozen other nations with better credit than the US, including Lichtenstein. Obama is the first President in history to preside over a lowering of the US credit rating. 

- Right now the President is staring at the White House mailbox hoping he’ll get one of those “Congratulations! You’ve been pre-approved for a new Mastercard!” 

- It’s not that Lichtenstein’s credit rating is that good… it’s just that none of the people it owes money to, have any idea where it is or where to send the collection notices. 

- Wow.  With the lowered credit rating, Congressmen are gonna have a heckuva time getting a loan approved when they try to buy a private jet! 

- The U.S. Government’s credit is so bad, even Art Van is demanding that they pay up front for the new leather sectional they bought for the “Credit Crisis Super Committee” meeting room. 

Got (Lots Of) Milk?

Saturday, women from around the the US marked World Breastfeeding Week by attempting to break the world record for the most women breastfeeding in public simulaneously.  They gathered in groups in various cities at 10 a.m. Central Time for what was dubbed the National “Big Latch On”.  The goal is to reduce the stigma of women nursing in public. 

- Men around the country dubbed the event the National “Big Peep Show”. 

- There was a much lower turn out for the National “Feed Your Infant Pureed Peas Out Of A Jar” event. 

- They’re haven’t been this many boobs on display in one place since the “Debt Ceiling Debate” last week. 

Hooters Flat Busted!

The Las Vegas Hooters Resort and Casino ha filed for bankruptcy protection, citing over $162 million in debts. Analysts asked how a casino/hotel full of Hooters Girls coupld possibly loose money in Vegas, but debt holders say that Hooters kept raising it’s executives’ pay, including a 61% raise to over, $307,000, not counting bonuses, for their CFO even as the resort neared bankruptcy. 

- Question:  Isn’t working at the CFO at Hooter’s a “bonus” in and of itself? 

- Hooters vows it will pay back all of it’s creditors eventually, but it will all be in one dollar bills. 

- They just didn’t make as much on the slut, I mean, SLOT machines as they thought. 

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures...

ABC confirmed that the uncoming 8th season of “Desperate Housewives” will be it’s last.  Creator Marc Cherry said he’s “very aware of people overstaying their welcome,” and he didn’t want that to happen to the ladies of Wisteria Lane.  He also shot down rumors of any spin-offs, saying he doesn’t want to repeat himself.  

- Then, just to clairfy, he added, “I don’t want to repeat myself”. 

- It was orginally planned for Charlie Sheen to join the show for a proposed 9th Season, but execs realized that nobody would believe the housewives were that desperate.