Retired NYC cop Arno Herwerth moved fast Monday and obtained the rights to change his vanity license plates that read “GETOSAMA” to “GOTOSAMA”. He had to sue the DMV in 2008 to get them to okay “GETOSAMA” plates after they rejected him on the grounds that it might encourage violence.
- Ironically, Osama’s camel had a license plate reading, “IMNOTOSAMA” which really threw the Pakistani’s off!
A woman in Spartanburg County, South Carolina, called police to report that she had lost her cell phone at a restaurant. To make matters worse, it had nude photos of her on it. Worst of all, someone had already found it and was now emailing the nude photos to people on her contact list.
- Some members of Congress are demanding that President Obama release the naked photos of the woman.
A Dubai woman is suing her ex-husband for over $12 million (US) for not having sex with her. She says he married her in 2008 and didn’t sleep with her for 4 months. After discovering that he suffered from erectile dysfuction, but knowing a woman’s place in Arab society, she says she kept silent and prayed to God to help. But the lack of sex caused her mental anguish and she divorced him. Turns out he’s been married 12 times.
- And being in the Middle East… he was probably married to all twelve women at the same time which explains the ED!
- She’s reportedly writing a memoir, “Cialis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”.
- The Cialis people were going to use this guy and his 12 wives in a commercial… but they ran out of bathtubs. And he ran out of steam!
Today is Cinco de Mayo, a holiday celebrating Mexican forces defeating Napoleon III’s French troops in the Battle of Puebla in 1862.
- Actually the country is divided. Some like “Cinco de Mayo” and some like “Cinco de Miracle Whip”.
- If there was a big drinking holiday marking every time the French had lost a battle, the entire world would be drunk 24/7.
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday! As Charlie Sheen would say… Oh lay, I mean, Ole!
-Dick
There is a debate raging within the Obama administration over whether to release a photo showing Osama Bin Laden’s face after he was shot by Navy Seals. The pic is said to be quite graphic and the question is whether it would end speculation that he’s not really dead or just incite his followers. But newly minted CIA director Leon Panetta says that while the photo is gruesome, it will likely be released.
- It can’t be any worse than his camel-driver’s license picture! Nobody looks good in those!
- His beard was reportedly darker than in more recent videos… Apparently he’d been using “Just For Terrorists”.
The White House also corrected an earlier story that Bin Laden used his wife as a human shield as he fired at Navy Seals. They say the woman who was killed wasn’t his wife, (his wife survived), he didn’t use anyone as a shield and wasn’t armed at the time he was shot. They did say he “resisted arrest”.
- He “resisted arrest” for more than ten years if I’m not mistaken.
- MSNBC was upset that he wasn’t taken alive… they’d planned a whole new series called “Osama Bin Lock-Up”.
- Imagine the nerve of them shooting an unarmed man… why that would be like flying a plane into an unarmed building!
Locals in Abbottabad say they wondered who lived in the mansion behind those walls with all the expensive SUV’s inside, sending messengers to the store to buy Coke and Pepsi. But Pakistan officials are angry at the suspicion that they might have deliberately turned a blind eye, even though Bin Laden was living in a huge compound near the nation’s capital and it’s military academy.
- Maybe they just thought it was one of Brangelina’s vacation homes and the pop was for all their kids!
- Why the mailman never caught on to all the letters addressed to “Mr. and the Many Mrs. Bin Laden’s” I’ll never know.
- Turns out it wasn’t Bin Laden living in a cave - it was the Pakistani officials!
- Apparentely Bin Laden preferred “Diet Coke”. That’s how he stayed so trim!
Vanity Fair and 60 Minutes polled Americans to ask who would be the best choice to take over running the Playboy empire when 85-year-old Hugh Hefner dies. Their #1 choice: Charlie Sheen. But second place was something of a surprise: Bill Clinton! Clinton got 21 percent, only 4 points behind Sheen and easily beating out Tiger Woods, John Mayer and Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi.
- Bill Clinton immediately put out a hit on Charlie Sheen.
- The hardest part is going to be getting a pair of bunny ears that match Hillary’s pantsuit.
- How much you wanna bet that if Tiger Woods gets the gig his “smoking jacket” is green?
- Now we can look forward to Monica Lewsinsky and Gennifer Flowers as “Playmates of the Month”.
- On the bright side, this is the first thing Bill and Hillary have agreed on in years: Osama Bin Laden and Paula Jones pictures should NOT be made public!
On this day in 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.
- He immediately took a cab uptown to see a preview of “Spiderman: The Musical” which had just re-opened for the 1000th time due to technical difficulties.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
President Bush delivered an emotional and memorable address before a Joint Session of Congress the evening of September 11, 2001. The next day, we put the President’s words to music from the film “Glory”, and shared it with you on my morning radio show. In light of the events over the last couple of days, I thought it fitting to share it with you again.
“President George W. Bush’s Address”
Also I thought it appropriate to take a moment to watch and listen to two songs that meant so much to us then… and still do today: Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” and Whitney Houston’s live version of “The Star Spangled Banner” performed live at the 1991 Super Bowl. Little could we have known then the nearly unspeakable horror that would be brought about on that sunny September morning in 2001. So many lives lost - all of our lives forever changed… And now the man who started it all, Osama Bin Laden, is dead! Killed by the American military.
Osama Bin Laden is dead! Almost ten years later. The pain has not lessened the horror of what he did. It replays itself over and over again in our minds, but the weight of “justice denied”, is finally lifted. Just remembering that clear and sunny Tuesday September morning, shattered by images of civilian aircrafts - turned into human missiles - crashing into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Shanksville, PA, explains our overwhelming relief, gratitude and excitement that the men of the Navy Seals have taken him out. It won’t bring anyone back. Anyone’s mother or father, husband or wife, son or daughter, brother or sister. And while Bin Laden’s Al Queda minions will undoubtably attempt to continue his murderous ways, they’re crippled without their twisted leader. And at least HE won’t take any more innocent lives. Cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless.
President Bush delivered an emotional and memorable address before a Joint Session of Congress just days after 9-11. At that time, we put the President’s words to music from the film “Glory”, and shared it with you, our valued listeners. In light of the events over the last couple of days, we thought it fitting to share it with you one more time.
“President George W. Bush’s Address”
On this most amazing day… take a moment to watch and listen to one of the greatest versions ever of “The Star Spangled Banner”. It’s Whitney Houston performing live at the 1991 Superbowl. And then, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA” a song he wrote in the early eighties. Little could we have known then the nearly unspeakable horror that would be brought about on a sunny September morning in 2001. So many lives lost - all of our lives forever changed… And now the man who started it all, Osama Bin Laden, is dead! Killed by the American military.
I wasn’t going to watch. Honest. It was just a wedding right?
With so many hugely important things going on in the world (killer storms, US soldiers murdered by one of our “allies” in Afghanistan, the economy just to name a few) my time and energy would be much better spent concentrating on the real stuff.
Right…
I forgot to factor in one simple fact: I’m a woman. And women love weddings. (Elizabeth Taylor loved them so much she had eight of her own!)
I realize I’m generalizing here, but there is something about the notion of two people professing their love for each other in front of family and friends (and in this case an estimated 2 BILLION people worldwide) that seems to activate some romantic-hormone (or I guess her-mone) in a lot of women. I think of it as “PNS”… Pre-Nuptial Syndrome.
Now throw in the fact that in this case the groom just happens to be a Prince - who tragically lost his Princess-mother when he was just a boy - and you may as well throw in the towel.
Thus I found myself sitting in front of the TV this morning at 5 something waiting for the fairy tale to begin. Kleenex in hand, I stared at the screen waiting for Kate - the bride to be - to emerge. And when she did… WOW! She was stunning! The dress was… perfect! She looked like Grace Kelly, Angelina Jolie and the girl-next-door all rolled into one. And so happy!
I was just about to text my hairdresser to see what he thought of the dress (I knew He’d be watching) when my nine year old son Charlie came downstairs.
“Whata ya watchin, mom?” he asked sleepily.
“The Royal Wedding!” I replied enthusiastically.
“But what about the episode of ‘Pokemon: Sinoh League Victors’ I DVRed? You said I could watch it when I got up.”
Damn!
“I think you’ll really like the wedding…” I say weakly.
Five minutes later he’s happily chomping away on a Pop Tart watching Pokemon on the big TV while I’m sitting on a hard wooden chair I’ve dragged over to the counter by the small TV in the kitchen. The ceremony was fabulous. Her gown… His uniform… The way Prince Harry snuck a peak at the bride as she made her way down the aisle. The shy smiles exchanged between the Bride and Groom. I was teary-eyed long before they even got to the vows.
“Why are you crying?”, asks Charlie. “It’s…a…wedding!” I say, as if that’s all the explanation necessary.
“Okaaaay,” he says skeptically. And then comes another moment that makes me cry - when I realize that my little boy isn’t quite so little anymore.
“When are they gonna kiss?” he asks, smiling nervously. Aha! So the whole “Boys Rule, Girls Drool” thing he and his friends are always talking about might be losing some of it’s luster.
I explain that they’re not going to kiss until 8:25 when they go out on the palace balcony. He’s not too thrilled about having to wait, but agrees to switch the big TV over to the wedding coverage. We sit on the couch together, watching the “Countdown to The Kiss” clock on NBC and wait. And wait.
There is a flutter of curtain at the balcony door and then the Prince and his new Princess step out to meet the adoring crowd below.
“Finally!”, Charlie says. “Are they gonna kiss now?”.
“In a sec sweetie,” I say. “They’re waving to the…”
And then it happens. They kiss. For like a second and a half! It was so fast I almost missed it.
“THAT’S IT?” Charlie shouts. “We waited all this time for THAT?”. (Too be honest, he saw more action than that in the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” Christmas movie). He was clearly expecting more. (And to be honest, so was I!)
As the happy couple went back inside to celebrate, we went back to our normal morning routine of getting ready for school. On the drive over, he looked at me very seriously and said, “Mom… I need you to tell Grandpa something really important.” “Sure,” I said. “What is it?” “Tell him not to write anything funny about the wedding in the blog today. Weddings are important stuff.”
My little man is growing up. After he got out of the car, I started crying all over again. Because it suddenly dawned on me that someday they’ll be another wedding that brings me to tears: Charlie’s.
-Jackie
The release of the President’s “long form” birth certificate Wednesday hasn’t ended the controversy. Within minutes of making the document public, critics on the Internet began claiming that the certificate had been PhotoShopped.
- The “Thanks for Choosing Kinko’s of Kenya!” logo on the bottom didn’t help either.
A researcher in London has discovered a previously unknown guidebook to women - written in 1505! It’s believed to have been written by “scientist” Albertus Magnus, to help priests understand and avoid women. The book describes females as “failed males” and says if you want to know if a woman is a virgin, maker her sniff a head of lettuce. If she then needs to use the bathroom, she is “corrupted”. The book also claims that during “that time of the month”, women can kill animals with just a look.
- You gotta admit he nailed that last one…
- The Lettuce-Sniffing-Virgin thing made it all the way to Italy… giving birth to the expression, “When in Romaine”.
- Instead of “It’s a Girl!”, they used to send out birth announcements saying “It’s a Failed Male!”
- After reading this, Albertus’s mother said HE was the “Failed Male” in their family!
According to Gitmo documents posted by Wikileaks, a senior al-Queda detainee, Abd al-Rahim Hussein Muhammad Abdah al-Nashiri, was so devoted to jihad that to avoid being distracted by women, he took injections to promote impotence. He reportedly urges his fellow terrorists to do the same.
- But they decided to stick with their own “urges”.
- One inmate said, “I’d rather be water boarded!”
- Why didn’t we think of this? If we could keep these guys from procreating… Problem solved!
- If all the other guys have been taking the impotence shots… we finally know where all those 70 virgins in heaven are coming from!
Wednesday morning, a section of the Ohio Turnpike was shut down for hours after a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his truck, spilling a giant load of breakfast cereal all over the highway. There were no major injuries, but bulldozers had to be brought in to clean up all the cereal.
- If anyone had died, this guy would have instantly been labeled a “Cereal Killer”.
- If he’d had a balanced breakfast, he wouldn’t have been so tired!
- Police believe he may have been drinking… Milk.
- If the accident had happened in Oklahoma instead of Ohio, you could’ve “Gotten your Kix… on Route 66”!
- Luckily, the cereal was Fiber One so traffic was moving smoothly in no time.
- The truck driver said all the cereal was ruined, but fortunately his Grape Nuts were in great shape!
Easy Gym in Spain has become that nation’s first gym to offer nude workout sessions. A nudist spokesman says working out naked is natural “and much more comfy”, but some critics counter that it could be unsafe to use exercise machines while naked. The “Easy Gym” isn’t worried, saying they provide towels for comfort and “to prevent slippage”.
- But where are they gonna keep their iPods?
- Nothing like the thought of a 200 pound hairy naked guy on the treadmill next to you to make you want to head to the gym!
- They’re new slogan? “Get Buff In The Buff”.
- They had to cancel the “Meditation” classes because the men refused to keep their eyes closed.
- For some reason the guys just love it when the women use the jump rope.
On this day in 1789, Fletcher Christian led the crew of the British ship “The Bounty” in mutiny and set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in the Pacific.
- The next year, a similar mutiny took place on the smaller sister ship: “The Bounty Select-A-Size”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!
-Dick
P.S. See SPECIAL NOTE from Big Al below!!!!!
Hi, it’s me…Your Roy-“Al” Highness, and I’ll be at a “Castle” tomorrow morning as “the Queen” and at a wedding no less! 
Let the humiliation for me continue! Marquisa Benford, 34, a mother of seven, and Donahvan Gray, 21, both of Detroit, wanted to be wed on the same day as Will & Kate. Well, they entered and won a contest to tie the knot at the White Castle restaurant at 12 Mile and Dequindre in Warren. 
The couple, who own a tattoo business, met at White Castle in May 2009 and eat there almost every day. White Castle is providing a free reception for 20 guests. The ceremony commences at 10:30 Friday morning and I’ll be eating sliders at 10:31. 
Yes, sliders, tattoos and me in drag - ain’t life grand! Hope to see you there! Ta ta for now!
BREAKING NEWS: After years of speculation and a recent push by Donald Trump, at 9:45 EST this morning, President Obama finally produced an authorized copy of his birth certificate - proving that he was indeed born in Hawaii and is thus a natural American citizen. He even went on live TV to make the announcement. Trump said he hopes the birth certificate is authentic… but would still like to look at it. He added that he’s “proud and honored” that the President followed through on his request.
- If “The Donald” runs for President in 2012, Obama will refer to his Hawaiian birth certificate as his “Trump Card”.
- Having the birth certificate is going to make it so much easier for Obama when he’s going through airport security!
- The President has now asked to see a certificate from Trump’s hairdresser proving that his hair is real.