Kwame Kilpatrick has been cleared of sexual misconduct in prison for a one-second-long-incident in which he touched his wife’s breast while she visited him in the slammer last summer. Inmates are allowed one kiss and one hug at the start and end of each visit… but nothing else. A video shows Kwame briefly grazing Carlita’s breast while the two talked, but court officers decided Kilpatrick’s touch “was not done for the purpose of sexual gratification”.
- Kwame assured his jealous cellmate Bubba that it was all a big mistake!
- Carlita was outraged by the verdict… she’s the one who filed the complaint.
- Kwame immediately sexted… uh… texted his supporters with the good news.
- His lawyer took a cue from Johnny Cochran when he used the “He got no thrill from the breast, I can attest!” defense.
- Kwame had been prepared to cop a feel - I mean - cop a plea if things hadn’t gone his way.
St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor has isolated a patient in his room after he ingested rat poison. They say his body was emitting potentially harmful gases. Hazmat teams were assigned to monitor levels of gas in the room. A spokeswoman says they are maintaining a safe environment and as time passes, “the level of gas in the room is expected to improve.”
- Time isn’t the only thing “passing” in that room.
- The last time the Hazmet team was called to action was to Big Al’s house after he made a late night stop at Taco Bell.
Tuesday night in a “pre-recorded” interview with Jay Leno, Lindsay Lohan said she was shocked to be given 120 days in jail, but that it was definitely a wake-up call. She said she’s taking responsibility for her actions and focusing on her career. Leno told her she was a truly great actress and asked where she’d be in 10 years. Her response? Back on Leno’s couch, holding an Oscar.
- That she’ll have “borrowed” from Meryl Streep.
- It won’t actually be an Academy Award, it will be some drunk guy named Oscar that she’ll meet at a future stint in rehab.
- Lindsay seemed sober… except when she kept calling Jay “Conan”.
A new computer analysis of hit song lyrics from 1980 to 2007 reflects the same rise in narcissism and vanity in the current generation that shows up in personality tests. For instance, 80’s hits were often about getting along with others like “Ebony and Ivory” and “Celebrate”. Today’s lyrics are often about how great the singer is, like Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” and Fergie’s “My Lovely Lady Humps”.
- … wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s campaign song?
Likewise, relationship songs have taken a negative turn: We’ve gone from Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross’s duet “Endless Love” to rapper Cee-Lo Green’s “F—- You”. One psychologist said a good way for young people to recognize and avoid narcissism is that if Charlie Sheen says something a lot, it’s probably not a good value to adopt.
- Duh?
- They only went back to songs from the 80’s. What would they have to say about 70’s music and vanity… like Chuck Berry’s 1972 #1 hit “My Ding-a-Ling”?
He made international headlines for designing the infamous “Giant Bow” hat Aretha Franklin wore to President Obama’s inauguration… and now local milliner Luke Song is back in the spotlight. He’s sold hundreds of hats for… The Royal Wedding! It may be taking place thousands of miles away, but Luke says can’t keep up with the demand from local women who want the perfect hat to wear to wedding teas and parties being held in Metro-Detroit. He things some of the hats may make it all the way across the pond…
- If you want to fly across the pond… just ask Aretha if you can borrow her hat, go out in the backyard and wait for a stiff wind!
- Don’t expect to get the hats for “a song”… they go for about $200 bucks a piece.
- Mr. Song reportedly made a one-of-a-kind hat for Camilla… It’s said to be understated, and comes with blinders in case she gets scared.
Monday, thousands of children jammed the White House lawn for the annual Easter Egg Roll. In keeping with Michele Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign against childhood obesity, the theme was “Eat Up and Go!” In addition to the egg roll, there was an “Eggtiity Zone” that included sports, dancing yoga and obstacle courses.
- I miss the good old days when Bill Clinton used to host the annual “Easter Egg Roll-In-The-Hay!”
- The Easter Egg Hunt was a big hit… but Republicans became suspicious when one of the kids found Obama’s birth certificate hidden in the grass.
- In the interest of diversity, the White House provided sweet and sour dipping sauce for the Chinese kids.
- You gotta give Michele Obama credit… she spent days dying all those cartons of “Egg Beaters” purple and pink.
Taliban insurgents pulled one over on Prison officials in Afghanistan by digging a 1,080 foot tunnel under the prison, allowing 480 prisoners to escape Sunday night. They claim they had cell keys provided by unnamed “friends”. NATO and Afghan officials had no explanation for why the prison guards never heard them digging beneath their feet during the five months it took to make the tunnel - or the smashing of a concrete floor on Sunday night.
- Actually, the guards were distracted. They were busy playing a spirited game of “Mohammed…” “Polo…” in the prison pool.
- They should get the guards those “Birdsong” hearing aids! They’ll not only hear digging, they’ll be able to hear the guys in the yard talking about “that great looking guard” loud and clear!
- Hmmmmm… You don’t think the guards were in on this do you? Nah…
Police in Lodi, California, arrested Shawn Batie Friday night. They say he was standing next to a cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark, and wearing only socks, an Oakland Raiders jacket, a G-string and a woman’s hair scrunchie around his genitals.
After 70 years, Archie Andrews is about to start speaking Spanish. Archie Comics says the Riverdale gang is so popular in the Spanish-speaking world, they’re finally launching digital Spanish language versions of some titles. CEO Jon Goldwater says it gives Spanish readers a chance to experience “the American Dream… It’s the the typical small town America where there’s plenty of food and everyone is sheltered”.
- So everyone in America is fed and sheltered? What country is Mr. Goldwater living in?!
- In the version to be released in Mexico, Archie and Veronica are kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel.
Lindsay Lohan has caught a break…AGAIN! Friday, an L.A. judge reduced the necklace theft charge against her from a felony to a misdemeanor. But parole violations will land her in jail for 120 days - which will most likely be reduced. She was taken to the slammer but released pending appeal. She was also sentenced to 480 hours of community service that will be divided between a women’s shelter and the county morgue. The only jobs there: photographing corpses and clean-up.
- She stole a $25,000 necklace!!! What’s a gal gotta do to get arrested and actually serve real time in Tinsel Town?
- Of course Linsday will have a fit because all of the corpses she will take pictures of will be thinner than she is!
During a performance of his “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” tour in Ft. Lauderdale on Saturday, Charlie “The Warlock” Sheen announced that he had lost a member of the show’s cast… Apparently he’s down to just one “Goddess” after porn star and former “Goddess #2”, Bree Olson dumped Charlie… by text. That meant the “girl-on-girl” kiss, many thought to be the highlight of the show, was no not to be.
- Where’s he gonna find another blond porn star to take her place?
- Charlie was confused at first… he thought she was just “Sexting” him again.
- Maybe she just left because she just landed a role in a new porn movie!
Not only did Charlie lose a Goddess, but he experienced another embarrassing moment when he dropped by for an impromptu visit to comedian Drew Carey’s Improv show. Cast members said he smelled so bad, it was all they could do to keep from holding their noses and backed away from him. One guy said he smelled like smoke and old sweat, and appeared not to have showered in days. When Charlie asked, “What? Do I smell or something”, Drew answered, “Well yes actually, you do”.
- Now that’s what I call “A Violent Torpedo of Truth”!
- And so now we know why he got dumped by the Goddess!
- So the fans in Detroit were actually right when they said the show “stunk”!
Saturday, Buchingham Palace released an edited guest list for this week’s Royal Wedding. President Obama didn’t make the cut, but those who did include Elton John, David and Victoria Bechham, and comic Rowan Atkinson best known as “Mr. Bean”. He’s allegedly a close friend of Prince Charles.
- Wow. They get Elton John. At our wedding reception, we’d didn’t even have a band! The only singer was my crazy Aunt Helen doing her rendition of “The Hokey Pokey”.
- Camilla wanted to invite her friends, the Budweiser Clydesdales, but the Queen put her foot down.
- They were going to invite Dennis Rodman, but they were afraid he might wear the same dress as the bride.
A USC study found that people who’ve had Botox not only can’t make facial expression themselves, they have a harder time reading other people’s emotions and recognizing their expressions.
- Maybe they can read other people’s emotions… they just can’t show it!
- Scientists admit they still have a few “wrinkles to iron out” when it comes to Botox.
Health researchers have some shocking news for people who like to eat while driving: they found that the average steering wheel carries nine times more bacteria than the average public toilet seat - and it’s the kind that causes food poisoning. They blame it on people leaving fast food wrappers in their cars. Only one-third of the people surveyed said they clean their cars interior “at least once a year,” and 10% say the NEVER wipe off the steering wheel.
- I don’t get food on my steering wheel… I steer with my knees so I can drive and eat at the same time!
- Driver’s Ed teachers are now calling it the “Ten and Two and Toss Your Cookies” position.
Happy Good Friday! But whether is will be a good Friday in Dearborn today is a question still up in the air. As I write this, Pastor Terry Jones and his associate Wayne Sapp are in a courtroom fighting for their right to hold a protest outside the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn. Why the hearing? Jones and Sapp don’t want to pay the permit fee that could include about $45,000 for the security that police believe would be needed to maintain safety during the anti-Islamic rally Jones plans to hold in front of the largest Mosque in America.
You’ve undoubtably heard about Jones. He infamously held the Koran, the Muslim Holy Book “on trial” in his church in Florida last month, found it guilty of inciting murder among other things, and had his friend, Sapp, set in on fire. The event, captured on video set off violent protests as far away as Afghanistan and led to the murdering of a number of Christians.
The two showed up in court today wearing Harley Davidson T-Shirts and jeans - and are acting as their own council. They claim they have no intentions of burning another Koran and claim that their rally will not incite any violence. (But they claimed the same thing a month ago and then did it anyway… inciting not only violence, but the murder of Christians in the Middle East).
Jones claims that this is about the First Amendment… Free Speech. And while Free Speech is one of the things that makes this country great (and different from so many others who oppress their own citizens) - this is also about COMMON SENSE.
And in my humble opinion, COMMON SENSE would dictate that this so-called man of God would not risk the lives of so many others (a second time) under the guise of “My Right to Free Speech”. It’s nothing but grand-standing - but with potentially devastating results… again!
So make this a truly “Good Friday” Mr. Jones, and take your opinions elsewhere. They say there is a time and place for everything. Well, today is not the time. And outside the largest Mosque in this country is not the place.
*****
And now on to something a little lighter. (Or heavier depending how you look at it). With the Royal Wedding just a week away, Big Al donned his “Queenly attire” and made an appearance on the Fox 2 morning show. As you’ll note in both videos… it looks like Her Majesty - in her Easter Bonnet - has packed on a few pounds! Just click on picture to play!
Wednesday, Weird Al Yankovic revealed how he’s been jerked around by Lady Gaga to block his parody of her hit, “Born This Way,” which he just posted on the the internet. In the ensuing firestorm, Gaga insisted she loves Weird Al and never even heard the song. Her manager finally admitted he’d been speaking for her and she had never even heard it. Now, with her blessing… the song will be released.
- So Lady Gaga loves Weird Al Yankovic… Let’s just hope they never have kids together!
Here’s the video for your enjoyment…
BTW: FROM WIERD AL TO BIG AL… Tomorrow we’ll bring you not one but two videos of our own Big Al on FOX2 dressed as Queen Elizabeth! He/She tells all about the upcoming Royal Nuptials and his life after radio! You won’t (or maybe you will) want to miss it!
Kwame Kilpatrick has been cleared of sexual misconduct in prison for a one-second-long-incident in which he touched his wife’s breast while she visited him in the slammer last summer. Inmates are allowed one kiss and one hug at the start and end of each visit… but nothing else. A video shows Kwame briefly grazing Carlita’s breast while the two talked, but court officers decided Kilpatrick’s touch “was not done for the purpose of sexual gratification”. 
- Carlita was outraged by the verdict… she’s the one who filed the complaint. 
