Boob Job?

Ben-Gurion University in Israel found that attractiveness might be a drawback for women looking for work. They responded to job ads by sending out over 5300 similar resumes, all with photos attached.  13.6% of the plain looking women got interviews compared with only 12.8% of good looking applicants.  Researchers said this might be because the average Human Resources worker is a 29-year-old single female who would be sympathetic to plain Janes and jealous of beautiful women.  

- Does it really matter?  The boss makes the final decision and we all know he’s going to pick the woman with the biggest boobs.  

Apple Let's Adam Know Where Eve's Been...

At a security conference in San Francisco, two researchers revealed that starting with the iOS4 update, Apple iPhone begang secretly keeping track of everyplace their owners go and when.  Some iPads do the same thing. If you sync it with your computer the info is transferred there too.  That means anyone who steals or has access to your iPhone, iPad or computer could open the file and see everywhere you’ve been in the past year. That includes everyone from thieves to jealous spouses.  Apple had no comment. 

- What’s the big deal?  Doesn’t everybody post EXACTLY where they are EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY on Facebook and Twitter?! 

- If only this technology was available when Kwame didn’t host that infamous party at the Manoogian Mansion! We’d know if Carlita had been there… in the “bat”of an eye!

There is a short paragraph at the very end of Apple’s iTunes Terms of Service agreement that grants them permission to use Apple devices to “collect, use and share” info on your precise geographic location.

- You show me one person who’s actually read the “Terms of Service” agreement before signing it and I’ll show you someone who actually read the Obamacare Health Bill!

Blame Canada!

Dentists in Ontario are petitioning for a change in a provincial law that bars dentists from having sex with any patient.  They say it means they can’t have sex with their own wives if they give them dental treatments.  

- Under the Canadian Health Care System, wives of Dentists have to make an appointment to have sex with their husbands… and then wait six months anyway!   

- Most of the dentist’s wives said they’d rather have a root canal than have sex with their husbands. 

Today's Almanac

Today… Queen Elizabeth II (the real one, not the one you watched above!) celebrates her 85th birthday!

- In honor of the big day, Prince Charlies petitioned parliament to have 85 become the mandatory retirement age for all Queens. (George Michael immediately objected)

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday!

-Dick

Luckily, His McNuggets Were Not Hurt...

Tuesday was McDonald’s first “National Hiring Day,” when they planned to hire 50,000 new workers and erase the “McJob” stigma.  There were long lines of applicants at many locations, but things took a violent turn in Cleveland when an unnamed female job-seeker started a fight with another woman in line.  She was ordered to leave, so she got into a car, backed up, struck the restaurant owner, the manager and the woman she’d been fighting with.  She then took off, dumped the car nearby and is still on the loose.  

- I hope they catch her… she’s perfect for the drive-thru! 

- Sounds to me like somebody was a little McHormonal…

- If she ends up in prison, she won’t be “Lovin’ It!”

- Mayor McCheese was unavailable for comment as he was at a parole hearing for the Hamburglar. 

"The Not-So-Softer Side of Sears"

Sears has filed a lawsuit against a Georgia online company, RockHard Laboratories, for selling a sexual enhancement spray marketed under the same name as their car batteries: “DieHard”.  Sears is demanding that RockHard stop using the trademarked name, and wants them to pay enough damages for Sears to run an ad campaign to correct any mistaken assumptions that DieHard batteries are associated with sexual enhancement.   

- Didn’t this also happen with “Ever-Ready” batteries?  

- Sears knew there was confusion when membership in their “Craftsmen Club” jumped 200% overnight.

- If Sears doesn’t have anything to do with sexual enhancement than why are they always trying to sell those “Extended” warrenties?  

Sorry, Charlie!

Charlie Sheen’s estranged wife Brook Mueller missed a mandatory drug test and had to return to rehab. That prompted Sheen to go to court Tuesday in Los Angeles to ask for full custody of their twin sons.  But the judge rejected him, ruling that is was better for the kids to stay with a relapsed drug addict mom who’s in rehab than be trusted to Charlie Sheen.  

- “Winning!”… uh, I mean “Losing!”

- I swear I remember this exact same story on an episode of “Little House On The Prairie”.  

- It’s not like Charlie would be alone with the kids!  He’s got all those porn stars lying around the house just waiting to help out!  

- I think the judge was afraid Charlie doesn’t know the difference between “Play Dates” and “Playmate Dates”. 

Un-Happy Days?

Former “Happy Days” cast members Erin “Joanie” Moran, Anson “Potsie” Williams, Donnie “Ralph Malph” Most and Marion “Mrs. Cunningham” Ross are joining with Tom Bosley’s estate to sue CBS and Paramount for $10 million.  The show is still in reruns worldwide, but they claim they’ve never seen a penny of the promised merchandise royalties from clothing, mugs, greeting cards, lunchboxes and more.  Ross says she realized they were being ripped off when her house went into foreclosure while people kept remarking on how much money she must be making from being on the new “Happy Days” slot machine. 

- CBS isn’t budging… They told Anson Williams to “Sit on it!”.  

- Considering the state of the financial debt this country has today, it looks like the 1950’s really were “Happy Days”.

- Maybe CBS is holding out so they can make them all come back for a reality show about this battle! 

- So the only cast member who actually ended up getting Rich in real life was “Richie”.

Toke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Today is 4/20 or National Marijuana Day!  It originated in 1971 when some high school students in California would meet after school every day at 4:20 to smoke pot.  

- Bill Clinton was one of them… but he didn’t inhale. 

- That was 40 years ago and they’re still doing it today.  Of course now it’s for their glaucoma.  

- The makers of Doritos will pause this afternoon at 4:20 to observe a moment of thanks. 

- It was known as the “No Child Left Be-High-nd” program!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1889, Adolph Hitler was born.  He originally wanted to be an artist but his work was rejected by art critics…

- … so he killed ‘em.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday with BONUS VIDEO OF BIG AL AS “THE QUEEN”!!!!!

-Dick

Hey... At Least He Was Awake!

After five air traffic controllers were caught falling asleep on the job, another one has been suspended for a new reason.  Early Sunday morning at the busy Cleveland Air Route Traffic Control Center, baffled pilots heard about three minutes of a movie soundtrack coming over their radios. Turns out the controller had accidentally turned on his microphone while watching a DVD on a portable player instead of watching the radar screen. Neither the name of the controller or the movie have been released. 

- I heard he was watching the movie I was in with Jay Leno and Pat Morita… “Collision Course”. 

- Apparently he misunderstood the meaning of “inflight movie”. 

- We already have to pay extra for seats, luggage and carry-on’s… maybe this is just the first step towards charging us $30 bucks to have an air traffic controller actually control the air traffic. 

Manson A Tree Hugger! Who Knew?

Charlies Manson finally broke a 20-year silence by giving a prison interview to Vanity Fair Spain.  The subject: global warming!  In a weird, rambling lecture Manson said, “Everyone’s God, and if we don’t wake up to that, there’s going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting… If we don’t put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we’ve butchered, if we don’t go to war against the problem…” He trailed off but later added, “I’m in the bullring. I run in the bullring with the heart of the world.”

- Charlie Sheen immediately replied:  “Winning!”

- So Manson doesn’t have a problem butchering people, but hurting trees really gets his Nazi tatoo in a knot!

- Al Gore is going to make a documentary about the interview called, “An Incarcerated Truth”.  

- Isn’t it time Charlie settled down and started a “family”?  No wait… he already did that. 

A Royal Yawn?

The New York Post quotes an NBC insider as claiming that the network is scaling back its planned coverage of the British royal wedding after audience research found that American TV viewers find Prince William and Kate Middleton to be “really boring”.  They had planned a week’s worth of broadcasts with Brian Williams “on location”, including wall-to-wall coverage from 4am to 11pm on the big day, but have cut the amount in half to avoid “viewer fatigue”. 

- But NBC doesn’t worry about “viewer fatigue” when they show “The Biggest Loser” year after year! 

- To guarantee Americans will watch, NBC has hired Lady Gaga to represent American Royalty and co-host the event with Brian Williams.   

- I thought we proved we were tired of the British in 1776!

- To make it more enticing to American Viewers, NBC is going to call their coverage, “A Very Special Edition of The Bachelor”.   

Hottest and Not-So-Hot Royals Of All Time...

Maybe future TV viewers will watch royal weddings if the couples are hotter.  The dating website BeautifulPeople.com polled 127,000 people, who ranked Kate Middleton as the 3rd most beautiful royal ever, behind Grace Kelly and Queen Rania of Jordan.  Kate knocked Princess Diana down to 4th place. William was the 5th best-looking male royal (Harry was #4, Charles #10).  

And there’s nowhere to go but up:  Princess Anne was ranked the least attractive royal ever, slightly behind Sarah Ferguson, who ranked two places behind Prince Charlies’ wife Camilla, who came in six places behind Princess Fiona from “Shrek”.  

- Obviously embarrassed by Camilla’s low ranking, the Queen yelled, “Off with your hooves… uh… head!”

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1775, the American Revolution began with the Battles of Lexington and Concord.  

- Since they don’t teach the Revolutionary War in schools anymore, most kids think “Lexington and Concord” is a law firm.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Fieger: We'll Make Detroit Great By Hooker, By Crook!

Geoffrey Feiger has a plan to make Detroit a great city again.  How does he suggest we do that?  By legalizing marijuana and prostitution!  Feiger says the move would attract young people to the city by making Detroit the Amsterdam of America…  

- So this must be what Kwame meant when he said, “You’re setting me up for the perfect comeback!”    

- With this kind of business savvy, it’s too bad we didn’t elect him Governor.

- Feiger made the announcement during a visit to Climax, Michigan. 

- Geoffrey must already be smokin’ some of that pot he wants to legalize.  

Late Night Drop Offs Drop Off...

It’s Tax Deadline Day… and for the first time in decades, local post office branches, including Royal Oak WILL NOT stay open late to accommodate last-minute filers.  First of all, we had three extras days to file this year and secondly, Postal Officials say with so many people filing on line, there’s no need to stay open late anymore. BTW… the Royal Oak Post Office will close at 7pm. 

- So how are they going to fill up the 11p.m. TV news tonight?  If watching Mary Conway live, asking people through car windows, “Why did you wait so late to file?” isn’t Must See TV, I don’t know what is! 

It Takes Time To Pay The Piper!

Barack Obama ran on a promise to create a system where 40 million Americans “can do their taxes in less than five minutes”.  But the IRS estimates that filling out a 1040 form will take 23 hours, up from 21 hours last year. But, they added, if you are able to use the 1040 EZ form, it will only take 7 hours!  

- Doing taxes is like a prostate exam… they say it only takes 5 minutes but it feels like 23 hours. 

- So you basically have to take two un-paid days off work so you can stay home and figure out how much you owe the government for the days you were working.  

- It takes you 23 hours to prepare your taxes, and the IRS only minutes to decide you didn’t pay enough! 

And the Laffer Center estimates that it still costs Americans $431 Billion a year to comply with the tax code, and it just keeps getting more complicated.  For instance, it now contains at least six different definitions of a “child.”

- I say we put the IRS in a “timeout” until they figure out what a “child” is.  

Cage Rage!

Nicholas Cage was arrested in New Orleans Saturday for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace after he allegedly had too much to drink and got into a loud argument with his wife.  Police say be began to bang on cars, then tried to leave in a taxi.  When a cop ordered him out, he yelled, “Why don’t you just arrest me?!” Oddly, his $11,000 bond was posted by reality star “Dog The Bount Hunter”, who offered no explanation other than that he’s a “dedicated fan” of Cages. 

- He even went so far as to call Cage, a “National Treasure”!

- Cage will soon be filming a new movie, “Leaving New Orleans”. 

- I’m sure the youtube video of his arrest will get way more views than any of his recent films! 

Now The Toilet Is The Best Seat In The House!

Kohler has introduced what it calls “a new standard of excellence in the bathroom”.  It’s the Numi toilet. Among it’s features:  a heated seat, foot-warming air vents, customizable bidet functions, a built in touch-screen computer panel and sound system with MP3’s or FM, a deodorizer and a motion-activated seat and lid. The cost:  $6300 (US). 

- You could actually sit and watch the entire “Superbowl” on this “Super Bowl”!

- It’s a great new way to flush your money down the toilet! 

- Among the songs pre-programmed into the MP3:  “Love Me Doo-Doo”, “Wipe Out” and “My Ding-a-Ling”.