On this day in 1775, at 10p.m., Paul Revere began his famous “Midnight Ride” to warn colonists that “The British are coming!”
- Of course almost two hundred years later his great great great great grandson did the same thing to alert people that the Beatles were about to land at JFK.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Having been a boy (technically I still am, I suppose – at least my wife says I act like one) it was a bit of an adjustment for me when Gail and I had six girls. Frankly I was baffled at my daughters lack of enthusiasm when I suggested that we re-enact battles from the Civil War with toy soldiers and they stared at me blankly, then asked if I wanted to help them do Barbie’s hair instead.
It took a few years, but eventually I settled into the “girlie” stuff. I resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be training bras and not jock straps drip-drying in the laundry room.
Instead of football games, I went to more “Daddy Daughter Dinner Dances” than I can count. And, of course, six girls and no boys meant “The Talk” (you know the one) fell to Gail and not to me. (Which, given the fact that my artistic talent starts and stops with stick figures is probably a good thing).
It was all girls all the time.
And then came the grandkids. We have seven (so far) and surprise surprise, FIVE of them are boys! Matthew, Preston, Charlie, Adam and Jack.
Finally, I thought, someone who would understand the simple joys of Indian Wrist Burns and Atomic-Wedgies!
But nothing quite prepared me for an incident that happened while the family was away for “Spring Break” last week.
Let me set the scene… Gail, and my daughters Jackie, JoAnne and Jessica were all in the living room while four of the boys, Preston and Charlie (both 9), Adam (8) and Jack (7) were taking a break from the sun and playing Super Mario-Something in the bedroom.
Suddenly, we heard a wailing cry … and then a door slam.
Uh, oh.
It only took a split second for the mom’s in the room to figure out that the cry belonged to Jack (Jessica’s son) and that the door slam meant somebody didn’t want us hearing what was going on.
Moments later Jack emerged with his brother Preston. “Okay,” Jessica said. “What happened?”.
“Well,” Jack said wiping away his tears, “Adam (JoAnne’s son) said that if I wanted to sit with the other guys on “the cool bed” I had to (AND THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE) punch myself in the balls.”
Suddenly I was eight years old again and had to keep myself from laughing out loud.
I then overheard Jack saying his mother, “But then Preston said he thought he should be the one to punch me in the balls.”
“He agreed to it!” Preston insisted. “He agreed to it!”
“Yeah, but I said you had to do it softly and you totally punched me hard”, Jack protested.
At this point Adam and Charlie entered the room. Guiltily, Adam admitted that it was he who had issued the challenge, while Charlie (Jackie’s son) took credit for slamming the door so nobody could hear Jack crying.
Charlie , “Hey… am I in trouble? I didn’t do anything! I just stood there and watched the whole thing go down.” (He was like a mini Joe Pesci pleading with the cops in a dingy interrogation room).
The boys’ mothers seemed a little bit stunned by the turn of events and sat everyone down to figure out exactly who to punish for what - and what punishment might fit the various degrees of “the crime”.
While the girls sorted out exactly what to do with their boys, I excused myself to the balcony and smiled.
It’s good to know that no matter what else in the world changes, “Boys will be Boys”.
Preston and Jack in pool pre-punch!
Gail and I are “The Cats In the Hats”…
The kids playing a different kind of “pool” (JoAnne’s daughter Lauren is the rose between the thorns!)
Charlie trades “Googling” for “Goggling”
“Yes! We want fries with that!”
Vacation is Exhausting…
Republicans were not too thrilled with President Obama’s speech Tuesday which outlined his plans to trim the deficit by $4 Trillion over the next 12 years. They claim he dismissed their proposals and his only suggestion was raising $1 Trillion through new taxes on high-income earners. But there was a new twist: raising taxes is now called “spending reductions in the tax code”…
- And U.S. involvement in the war in Libya will now be referred to as “A working-vacation for U.S. soldiers in North Africa”.
- Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet could wipe out the entire deficit by each writing one check?
Veep Joe Biden raised some eyebrows during the President’s speech when he appeared to nod off for about 30 seconds.
- Nancy Pelosi looked shocked. Then again, she always looks shocked.
- I missed Joe Biden’s nap… I’d nodded off about five minutes earlier in the speech than he did.
- When Rep. Joe Wilson accused the Vice President of falling asleep, Biden jumped up and yelled, “You lie!”
- Biden wasn’t actually sleeping… he was just trying to concentrate on the “How To Stay Awake During Boring Speeches” audiobook he was listening to on his iPod.
Wednesday Bill Clinton praised New York and it’s Mayor Mike Bloomberg for cleaning the air in Times Square by banning cars and making it a family tourist destination. But he got nostalgic for his first visit there in 1964, when it was filled with hookers and porn theaters. He said he vividly recalls the experience including seeing “a hooker approach a man in a gray flannel suit. Pretty heavy stuff for a guy from Arkansas.” Clinton said it was “romantic and fascinating” but quickly added, “My view is, it’s way better now”.
- And at that moment his nose grew three inches, and dressed in a gray flannel suit he hopped in a cab and took off.
- “Romantic and fascinating”… two words he’s never used to describe Hillary’s pantsuits.
- Clinton added that if you’re gonna turn Times Square into Disneyland, the least you can do is include “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” and have a few princesses walking around.
A federal judge in Philadelphia ruled that Americans have a constitutional right to declare that they love boobs. Two school girls had gotten in trouble for defying a ban on bracelets that read “I (Heart) Boobies”. In a 40 page ruling, the judge barred the school from suspending the students for wearing them because they could reasonably be viewed as free speech to promote breast cancer awareness. The school’s attorney may appeal claiming they are “meant to titillate”, adding, “There’s no group more distractible than 12 to 14 year old middle school boys.”
- And Bill Clinton.
- If he’s really against the bracelets, I think he could have chosen a better word than “titillate”…
- How come you never hear any complaints about the “I (Heart) Prostates!” bracelets?
There’s scientific proof that today’s kids can’t survive without electronic gadgets. A British group studied people between 17 and 23 from ten nations who were all banned from using cell phones, the Internet, TV or social media for 24 hours. 79% reported adverse reactions similar to drug addicts going cold turkey. Among the symptoms: weird cravings; “itching like a crackhead”; and feelings of confusion, distress and failure. One gave up after 15 hours and some held their cell phones just to touch them. BTW… they were allowed to read books and use landline phones, but it didn’t help.
- Instead of cell phones, some of the boys wanted to touch the girl’s “I (Heart) Boobies” bracelets.
- They were confused because they didn’t know what a landline was and they weren’t allowed to look it up on the Internet.
- Sometimes I hold onto my cell phone too… but that’s only so I remember where I put it.
New Jersey Democrats have convinced nine-time Olympic gold medallist Carl Lewis to run for state Senate. They don’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he has absolutely no political experience.
- I’m sure that’s a hurdle he’ll have no problem getting over.
- When he announces his candidacy, he’ll kneel down on a block, and the head of the DNC will shoot a pistol in the air.
- If he loses, he’ll lose faster than any candidate in history!
- They were going to ask Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps to run, but they figure the state is already under enough water.
A University of Minnesota study found that having a baby is bad for your health. They followed 1500 people from high school to their mid-20’s and found that after they had kids, the baby took up so much of their time, the men got an average of 90 minutes less exercise per week than their childless counterparts. It was worse for women: They got an hour’s less exercise per week, consumed more sugary sodas and saturated fats, ate 400 more calories a week and had a higher body mass index that the women who didn’t have kids.
- The good news is, by the time your health totally deteriorates, your kids will be old enough to take care of you! (Right… good luck with that!)
- Of course the mom’s ate more calories! Somebody’s got to eat all the crusts cut off the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
- If dragging yourself out of bed at 3a.m. to change a loaded diaper isn’t exercise, I don’t know what is.
On this day in 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot by actor John Wilkes Booth while watching the comedy, “Our American Cousin”.
- Ironically, he was supposed to have gone to see “Spiderman: The Musical” that night - but the performance was cancelled due to technical problems.
And on this day in 1912, the Titanic hit an iceberg, eventually sinking.
- The tragedy led to another disaster years later… The release of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with more family pictures from last weeks vacation!
- Dick
The President is set to deliver a major speech to the nation tonight which will allegedly reveal his plans to start getting this country out of debt. But budget analysts say that most of the $38 billion in spending cuts agreed to last week were actually accounting tricks and “sleight of hand”. Among the items that were counted as “cuts” were programs that were already set to close and salaries of Obama “czars” who’ve already left office.
- Since we haven’t been told what a czar makes, I looked up the last known Czar I could think of, Nicholas Alexandrovich Romanov of Russia and they shot him! Hmmmm…
- You mean the government LIED to us? Boy, I didn’t see that one coming!
The Phalloglogical Museum, or “Museum of Penises” in Northern Iceland finally has it’s first human specimen. The museum has everything from tiny animal penises in jars, to a 67 inch sperm whale penis on display - but were thrilled to get their first “exhibit” from a human. The pickled penis was donated by Pall Arason who was described as a funny, provocative braggart who liked attention and recently died at age 95. The museum owner refused to comment on the size, saying that visitors will have to come see for themselves.
- NOTE TO SELF: Add “Trip to Museum of Penises” to my bucket list.
- I just hope it’s not a “Hands On” museum…
- This is one museum where all the exhibits are well hung.
- Iceland is surrounded by the frigid Atlantic Ocean… haven’t they ever heard of shrinkage?
- Mr. Arason’s widow has suggested that they display her late husbands “contribution” next to the sperm whale specimen.
Artist Raven Collins of Florida has found a whole new portrait medium: cremated ashes. Collins creates sketches of the deceased on commission, with their cremated remains brushed into the artwork. She says other artists have mixed cremation ashes into art, but she’s believes she’s the first to use them to sketch the actual person. She said, “I try to think outside the box.”
- Outside the pine box, that is.
- Nothing says, “I’ll always love you” than mixing your dead grandpa with some acrylic paint and hanging him over the fireplace.
- The pictures don’t look that great… all the subjects have kind of an ashen complexion.
People Magazine has revealed their “Most Beautiful Person of 2011” and it’s… Jennifer Lopez! JLo said that she was floored by the honor despite have made the list 11 times before. Other “Beautiful People” include Zac Efron, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Hudson and Sandra Bullock.
- Among those surprisingly not on the list… Kim Jong Il, Helen Thomas and Big Al Muskovito.
- When Tom Cruise heard his wife Katie Holmes had made the list he called Oprah and asked if he could come over and jump on her couch.
As the Queen of, well, just about everything, heads into the final stretch of her daytime TV show… she’s landed some pretty impressive guests including the Obamas. But advertisers who want to jump on board for her final week of shows will have to pony up big bucks. Each 30 second ad will cost a cool one million dollars.
- Except for Gayle King and Stedman who will each get to air a 30 second video resume for free.
- As a special surprise, Oprah is going to give the President a second term!
On this day in 1970, the crew of the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission radioed to NASA, “Houston, we’ve got a problem here.”
- Luckily, they had AAA moon-side service!
Lady Gaga fell down at her concert in Houston Monday night. Here’s the video for your viewing pleasure…
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Thursday!
-Dick
We’re baaaack! After a week of the whole family having fun-in-the-sun, Jackie and I are back at the comedy keyboard. Many thanks to Big Al for sitting in and doing such an outstanding job while we were gone! Sorry if there are any misspellings this morning, but I forgot that I didn’t need to put on sunscreen and my fingers keep sliding off the keys…
After serving just 7 months of her 37-month prison sentence at “Camp Cupcake” in West Virginia (the same federal prison camp that hosted Martha Stewart!) Monica Conyers wants to go home. In a three page hand-written letter to to the court, Monica claims officials failed to take into consideration her “age, education, vocational skill, employment record, family ties and responsibilities” and believes she should be allowed to serve the rest of her time in “home detention”.
- Her husband, U.S. Rep. John Conyers immediately wrote a follow-up letter begging the court to deny her request.
- If they don’t let her go home, there’s gonna be a lot of Shreking… I mean, shrieking!
- If “family ties” was a legit reason to get out of the hooscow, Charles Manson would have been freed years ago.
Apparently President Obama is tired of being in the spotlight. He told Hearst Magazine that he’s not a golf addict, but it’s his only way to get away for privacy. He said, “I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed, taking walks. I can’t take a walk… I miss being anonymous”.
- From what I hear JFK never missed much time “Squeezing the fruit” while he was the Prez!
- I guess getting up on Saturday mornings, grabbing a hose, and washing Air Force One just isn’t the same.
- If he wanted to be anonymous, he should have run for Vice President!