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Now Kirstie's Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop...

“DWTS” judge Carrie Ann Inaba dubbed Kirstie Alley “the Queen of Unexpected Mishaps” after she suffered another disaster on live TV.  Last week her partner collapsed while dipping her.  Then last night during a waltz, as rose petals fell from the ceiling,  Kirstie’s stiletto shoe fell off as she twirled, leaving her partner to slowly circle around her while she struggled to get her shoe back on.  Frustrated, Alley later said, “Look at me, I’m supposed to act like a swan, and I’m putting my shoes on.” 

- I don’t think the shoe “fell off”… I think it jumped off her foot because it couldn’t take the weight!

- Thank God her bra didn’t snap or somebody could have lost an eye. 

- If they’d just invite one of those barefoot Kenyan Marathon runners on the show they wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing.  

- I thought the judges were real heels for marking her down!  

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Today's Almanac

On this day in 1861, Confederate forces fired on Fort Sumter in South Carolina, officially beginning the Civil War.  

- The Confederates were led by Jefferson Davis… and the Yankee’s by George Steinbrenner.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

- Dick

 

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New Ways To Bring Home the Bacon!

Hi, Big Al here sitting in for the final day for Dick and Jackie.  The dynamic duo of DickPurtan.com return Tuesday morning!  And now…on with the news…Saturday, about 700 people attended the Louisville, Kentucky, Visual Art Association’s “Bacon Ball” fundraiser.  The organizers were stunned by the high turnout.  They also expected only 25 or so entries to a bacon-themed art auction.  Instead, they were swamped with over 100 entries, including a carbonated soft drink made from a locally brewed ale infused with fat from pork bellies.

- It got so crowded at the bacon-themed art auction that there was very little room between the exhibits.  Only about, oh, six degrees of separation…Sorry.  (Insert your own Kevin Bacon joke here)

- Among the celebrity judges?  Mad Men actor Jon Hamm, Miss Piggy and Sarah Jessica Porker.  (Sorry, again)

- What’s wrong with this picture?…We can get 700 people to attend a “Bacon Ball”, but our government can’t find away to cut out pork?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

A Parisian perfumer Fargginay may have created the ultimate cologne for men.  It’s called ” bacon,” (“bay-CONE”), and it smells like bacon.  Their website claims the formula was created in 1920 by French butcher John Fargginay.  A small bottle of “bacon” is now available to anyone for $36.  They call it “the scent of the gods” that takes you to “a new level of awesome.”

- Anybody got any leftover Kevin Bacon jokes?

- So if e-Harmony ain’t workin’ for ya, just slap on some bacon cologne and hit the singles bars…or your favorite breakfast joint.

- Other fragrances created by French Butcher John Fargginay?…Bris-kett, Ode to Filet Mignon and coming soon…Hamburger Helper by Esteak Lauder!

 

 



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Wait Until Your Father Get's Home!

A California man was arrested last week after he allegedly shot out his son’s stereo speaker with a shotgun.  His 24-year-old son said his dad complained about his loud music and asked him to turn it down or put on headphones.  He claims he did turn it down, but his dad thought he didn’t, so he told his son to get out of the way and blasted the speaker.  The district attorney released the dad without filing charges, because nobody was hurt and the son didn’t feel threatened.

- Sounds like the reaction we used to get from some of our listeners.  (Actually, after some of the material I’ve come up with today, I wouldn’t be surprised if people starting shooting their computers)

- Okay, I have to admit it…I shot my TV last week when Pia got kicked off American Idol.



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"Waiter, there's a monkey in my soup!"



Friday, the Washington State Senate voted 46 to 2 to strictly define “service animals” for the disabled.  Restaurant owners had complained that people were bringing in all kinds of animals, including pigs, monkeys and even a snake that a man claimed he’d trained to squeeze him when he started having a seizure. Now, only dogs will be considered service animals, with one exception: specially trained miniature horses.

- But if the miniature horse doesn’t come out of the restaurant within an hour – call PETA and have them check the “Special of the Day”.

- So this miniature horse walks into a bar and the bartender says:  “Hey, why the short face?”  (Rim Shot, please)

- There are several lines that come to mind about that man and his trained snake…but I’m going to keep them to myself.

And on that, I’m out of here!  Yes, Dick and Jackie return Tuesday morning!  Thanks Dick and Jackie for letting me “Web Sit” DickPurtan.com!  Be well everyone and remember, you can always find me at my Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page.  All the best!

“Big Al”

 

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PLAY BALL!!! IT’S ANOTHER OPENING DAY!

Hi, “Big Al” here, sitting in again for Dick and Jackie…Well, it’s a right of passage.  It’s the official start of Spring.  And as the old commercial jingle used to say:  “Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet”.   Unless you’re Dick Purtan, who would skip the crust and only eat the apple part because of all the fat content.   And don’t even get him started about hot dogs…a turkey dog maybe.  But yes, it’s Opening Day in Detroit! 

I’ve been to my share of Opening Days; considered among many as the holiest day of the year.  And on most occasions, it’s usually the coldest day in April.  But cold, hot, rainy, snowy, it’s a day that makes you feel like a kid all over again.  One of my fondest memories was the day my Dad pulled me out of high school and surprised me with two tickets to the game! (Note:  Sorry, the story is true but not this photo.  I borrowed that pic from the Internet!)

 

 

 

 

While I really do love Comerica Park, nothing can compare to the Opening Days at Tiger Stadium.  Sonny Elliott behind the plate portraying an umpire.  Coleman Young on the mound throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.  Walking up that steep incline to the upper deck seating.  And those men’s rooms - where you had to stand next to a bunch of guys at a single urinal trough.  That was just too much pressure for me!

Another great highlight of Opening Day at Tiger Stadium was seeing “Herbie Redmond the Dancing Groundskeeper”.  Herbie was one of the most colorful and popular characters in Detroit baseball in the 1970s and 1980s. During selected innings Herbie would lead a line-up of sweepers around the base paths to manicure the infield dirt.  But Herbie was the only one who danced his way around the infield with his dance partner – his trusty broom.  Born in 1929 in Birmingham, Alabama, Herbie served in the U.S. Army during the Korean War and worked as a forklift operator for Ford Motor Company before joining the Tiger Stadium grounds crew in 1969.  Herbie passed away in 1990.  Thanks for the memories Herbie!

 

I hope you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to attend Opening Day today; whether it’s with your office mates, who all ironically called in sick, or with your son, daughter or even grandchild.  Take it all in.  It’s a special day filled with wonderful memories no matter what the final score.  Have fun and please be safe.  Have a great weekend everyone and…PLAY BALL!!!

“Big Al”

 

 



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Read All About It! Kwame Catches a “Prison Break”!

Wednesday Kwame Kilpatrick asked for and was granted a transfer from his federal prison cell in Milan to the state prison in Jackson.  The judge agreed to give the former mayor a “Free Get Out of One Jail to Go Into Another Jail Card” so that he can be evaluated for parole, which could come as soon as July 24th.

Kilpatrick was all smiles in the courtroom and even joked with the media.  Gosh, he’s such a kidder!

 Meanwhile, our former Hip Hop Mayor is still awaiting trial on federal corruption charges involving a racketeering conspiracy, which is why I’m suggesting he not break his lease with the Milan federal prison just yet.

It was a family affair in the courtroom, as Kwame’s Uncle Raymond Cheeks and Aunt Marsha Cheeks were on hand to offer Kwame supprt.  And speaking of “cheeks”, Kwame was overheard saying that he will miss his Milan cellmate “Bubba” desparately and hopes his favorite diamond earring he left behind will help his former celly get through the lonely moments.  Before being led away in handcuffs, a tearful Kilaptrick reminisced about Bubba saying, “We’ll always have Milan”.

 More details as they become available.  Oh, wait, I almost forgot…Please take seriously that “Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers” sign near Jackson Prison.      

 

 

 



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In Honor of Today's First Round of the Masters, We Bring You a Classic "Best of Purtan" Re-Play!..."The Tiger Woodstein Story!"

It’s Masters golf coverage like you’ve never heard it before!  Well, actually as a loyal listener of the Dick Purtan Show, you probably did hear it before.  But I digress…For your listening enjoyent we present an encore presentation of “The Tiger Woodstein Story” - Just “Fore” You!!!  Oh, and yes, that’s me in the back, Big Al, hunting down a “Tiger” for that big “Ryder Cup” interview at Oakland Hills  in 2004. 

(Click below and listen!)

“The Tiger Woodstein Story”

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A Night Where Humor Meets Hope!

You Can Make a Difference and Change the Direction of a Young Person’s ‘s Life at “Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™!

This is Big Al and I’m honored to be included in a “Night of Slammin’ Standup Comedy™” as “Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™”- Benefiting the Birmingham YMCA Strong Kids Campaign returns April 16th at the Reserve in Birmingham with 5 new hilarious comedians. Tickets are $75 & $100. $100 tickets include preferred seating and a VIP after-party where you can mingle with Joe and the comedySLAM™ Stars. Come laugh yourself silly and help some very deserving and needy children in Michigan. Purchase tickets directly at the Birmingham YMCA or by calling 248-644-9214.  It’s gonna be FANSLAMMINTASTIC!™

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Kwame Returns To Detroit! Hallelujah! Finally, Some Welcome Relief From The Charlie Sheen Coverage!

Hi, it’s Big Al and I’m baaaaaack, for a couple more days while Dick and Jackie take a break from their Web Work.  And look who else is baaaaaack!  Kwame Kilpatrick is expected to be in federal court today in Detroit.  His mission this time?  To ask for permission to be transferred from his federal prison cell in Milan, where he’s serving an 18-month probation violation, to a state prison facility. To make a long legal story short, let’s just say it has something to do with making it easier for the Kwamster to be evaluated for parole, which he is eligible for on July 24th

Meanwhile, let’s take a journey down Memory Lane, shall we?  In honor of Kwame’s incarceration, I thought I’d post the audio from one of my favorite Kwame Kilpatrick bits from the good old days on the Dick Purtan Show.  Brilliantly written by the one and only Jackie Purtan and inspired by the great film The Shawshank Redemption.  Our friend Quintin Hicks provides the incredible Morgan Freeman impersonation!

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your listening pleasure I bring you

“The Kwamshank Redemption!”   (click below)

“The Kwamshank Redemption”  

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She Just Can't Wipe That Smile Off Her Face!

Archeologists plan to excavate under a former convent in Florence, Italy, for the remains of the Mona Lisa. The Leonardo da Divinci painting is believed to be a portrait of a wealthy merchant’s wife, Lisa Gherardini, but there are rumors that it could be anyone from a streetwalker to Da Vinci himself in drag. They hope to find enough fragments of Gherardini’s skull to reconstruct her face and compare it to the Mona Lisa.

- Somewhere up in Heaven I’m sure Lisa Gherardini is smiling…not a really big smile, just kind of a little one.

- There’s another rumor going around that the woman in the famous Whistler’s Mother painting was actually actor Anthony Perkins in drag!  (Cue the “Psycho” sound effect, please)  “Mother, stop yelling at me!  Mother, please!!!”

THIS JUST IN!  BREAKING NEWS!…The “suspected” remains of Mona Lisa have just been recovered and it’s, it’s, OMG…Jimmy Hoffa!

P.S.  I know there’s a good “DA VINCI CODE” joke in there somewhere, but I’m having writer’s block.  If you think of one, post it on Dick’s Facebook Page!

 

 

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Today’s Almanac...It's A Real Treat!

On this day in 1930, bakery executive James Dewar invented Twinkies.  Eight years later, on the same date, Roy J. Plunkett invented Teflon…Using the same ingredients found in a Twinkie!

THIS JUST IN!  MORE BREAKING NEWS!…The remains of the first Twinkie have just been unearthed by a man by the name of “Big Al” Muskavito, who said upon the discovery:  “Mmmm, boy, this Twinkie tastes just as fresh as the day it was baked!”

I’m sure you’ve all had your “fill-ing” of me today.  See you back here tomorrow!  Have a great day!

Yours Truly…“Big Al”

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You'll Never Guess Which Retired Radio Personality May Be TOO Sexy!

Hi, Big Al here, sitting in the big web chair again for Dick and Jackie while they take a few days off.  Today we start off with a story that comes to us from our very own backyard. It’s a about a new law that deals with the issue of what’s too sexy for today’s billboards, and you’ll just never guess whose name enters the conversation!

Click on the story below from My Fox 2 Detroit and hear for yourself!

What you didn’t hear at the end of the Fox 2 Detroit video is what my good buddy and Fox 2 anchor Sherry Margolis had to say on the air after the story aired.  

 

She said something to the effect that Dick Purtan is definitely sexy, with or without the mustache!

Duh!  Like Sherry, tell the world something we didn’t already know! 

 

 

 

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The Dancing With The Stars Tumble Heard Around the World!

Last night on “Dancing With The Stars” pro dancer Maksim Chmerkovsky’s thigh gave out during a rumba.  He grimaced and fell to the ground in pain but recovered masterfully, and the pair finished a relatively nice routine.  Watch it here!

-  The good news was that Maksim finished the routine…The bad news is his leg was broken, so they had to put him down!   

Want to see some REALLY GREAT DANCING?!  Watch below to see me dance as Queen Elizabeth.  If I go viral, I’m taking you all with me to Hollywood!  

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Forgive Me, But Can You Stand One More Story About Me? Hey, While Dick & Jackie Are Away, The Mouse-kavito Will Play!

Well, the local press coverage of me portraying “Queen Elizabeth” just won’t quit!  Apparently people just can’t get enough of Her Roy - “Al” Highness…ME!  The Neal Rubin article about my latest adventures as “The Queen” appeared in the on-line edition of Sunday’s Detroit News, but today it’s in full, living color on Page 2 of the printed edition of the News.  I almost spilled my $300 cup of coffee at Starbuck’s this morning when I flipped the paper open.  If you can’t get to a newsstand near you, I’ve copied the article below for your reading enjoyment!  Remember, the article is for “immature” audiences only.  

Purtan Sidekick Alan Muskovitz Works Out the Next Stage of His Entertaining Career.

By Neal Rubin

Purtan sidekick Alan Muskovitz works out the next stage of his entertaining career Alan Muskovitz was on his way to Florida, taking a week off from his year off, when he had a sudden, piercing thought. He’s been trying not to overdo the cogitation, but he found himself wondering nonetheless: If he were still on the radio with Dick Purtan, what would he be doing about the royal wedding? It’s been 53 weeks since Purtan signed off at WOMC-FM (104.3), leaving Muskovitz to fend for himself and actually get some sleep for a change. Known as Big Al Muskavito during his 14 full-time years on a truly iconic show, Muskovitz wrote scripts, acted them out and did upwards of 60 different voices. For a stage performance that happened to fall on Purtan’s birthday, he also dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sang a breathy “Happy Birthday.” Few people can (or would) claim that skill set, and it’s one that Muskovitz is only now figuring out how to apply to life off the air. That takes us back to the original question about the royal wedding, and the answer was obvious:  Dress like Queen Elizabeth II and dance around his living room. Over-the-top and big-in-the-bottom, Muskovitz’s queen is cavorting through videos on YouTube and stands widely available for radio shows, television programs, conventions, bridal shops or bar mitzvahs. After a year of recharging, he and Her Highness are telling the world two things. First, “I’m out there, I’m creative, and I want to work again doing creative things.” Second, he’s very difficult to embarrass. Funny since fourth grade Muskovitz, 56, was the kid in fourth grade who not only knew all the routines on Bill Cosby’s latest album, he could deliver them in Cosby’s voice. He went on to become the funniest real estate advertising specialist in Oakland County, and that’s what he might still be if he and his wife hadn’t sold their condo to WJBK-TV (Channel 2) newscaster Sherry Margolis and her husband, writer Jeff Zaslow. The four became fast friends, and having laughed most of the way up north one day, Margolis told Muskovitz, “You should be on Dick Purtan’s show.” It was 1992, and that was like telling a guy spinning stories at a party he should be sitting next to Johnny Carson. Yeah, right, Muskovitz said, but Margolis reached out, Purtan’s producer agreed to listen to an audition tape, and then the phone rang: Can you do Bill Clinton? No problem. He started with Purtan as an occasional voice, then came aboard permanently when the show moved to WOMC. Once, he did his Regis Philbin for Philbin, who talked about it the next day on his show. Another time, he talked his way through the Townsend Hotel switchboard as Sen. Edward Kennedy to reach John F. Kennedy Jr., then did it again as Jimmy Carter. Landscape changes Then radio changed and the fun leached out of it and Purtan retired, because you can’t do comedy when management is pestering you to play 14 songs an hour. Writing late and performing early, Muskovitz had been existing on maybe 41/2 hours of sleep a night. Zaslow advised him to sit back for a while, figure out his niche and shoot at a wider target. “I think he’d be a great monologue writer for one of the late-night TV shows, and he could also do entertaining bits here and there on air,” Zaslow said. “I could also picture him in prison, entertaining the guards for extra rations.” Muskovitz is open to most anything. He played the leader of a polka band on an episode of “Detroit 1-8-7,” and he’s done some voice-overs, but competition is so high and technology is so easy that impressionists are competing against people half a continent away who’ll work for $25. The Queen Elizabeth videos went to Jay Leno, who said no, and “The View,” which said nothing, and Ellen Degeneres, whose people asked, “Can you dance?” So he kicked up his sensible shoes and taped another routine — and they said, “Sorry. Don’t need you.” It’s a long race, though, and he’s just out of the starting blocks, and he’s an optimist. By Friday morning, the dancing video had 38 views online. “I’m only 999,962 hits away,” he said, “from going viral.” 

Assuming you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me!  I’ll see you back here tomorrow…Unless I’m summoned to the Tower of London for a haircut!

Big Al

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Something is Rotten in Denmark...And Chicago!

Hi, it’s Big Al and I’m “Web Sitting” for Dick and Jackie this week.  And now the news!…

Did you pick up on that strange smell in the air last night?  It was coming out of the west.  Sunday night was garbage night in my neck of the woods; was that where the stench was coming from?  Alas, I figured it out; the foul smell was coming from Chicago and Charlie Sheen’s second stop on his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” tour!  

Yes, after the “Debacle in Detroit” opening Friday night, Sheen performed what was called an “improved” show to a sold out audience at the 3,600-seat Chicago Theater.  And what better place for Sheen to spew his nonsense than in a city with “Windy” as part of its nickname.  Right from the beginning Charlie used expletives to describe the reaction he got Friday night in Motown, where a disappointed crowd regaled him in a chorus of boos.  It just proves we have better taste than our friends across the lake…not to mention better pizza!  

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The Early Bird and the Pistons Get "The Worm"!

It was great to see Dennis “The Worm” Rodman get his number “10” jersey retired Friday night at the Palace.  Surrounded by many members of his Bad Boy championship teammates, an emotional Dennis thanked the crowd, his family and the franchise.

Top 3 highlights from Dennis’ Big Night…

1)  Dennis being detained for over an hour at a Palace metal detector while he removed his 300 metal piercings.  

2)  Watching the Diet Coke Dennis was drinking leak out of the holes in his body after he removed his piercings.  And…

3)  Isaiah Thomas hitting on female Palace employees.

-  Unfortunately the Pistons came up short in the game that followed Dennis’ number being retired; losing to one of his other former teams, the Chicago Bulls.  Of course on this Friday night there was more “Bull” coming out of Chicago at the Charlie Sheen concert!  

 -  Oh, and by the way, not many people know this…Dennis was given the nickname “The Worm” because of something he contracted after sleeping with Madonna.  


 

 

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The Biggest Political Shock of the Year!!!

Yes, in the biggest political surprise of the year…President Obama has announced that he is running for a second term as U.S. president!  Man, I didn’t see that comin’!

The President’s campaign announced today in a web video posted on his campaign website, and in an e-mail to supporters, that he will run again in 2012.  The White House officials said over the weekend that his campaign would file papers this week with the Federal Election Commission to launch his 2012 re-election effort.

-  The President would’ve announced his intention to run again last week, but he decided to wait until he found his birth certificate.

-  The President immediately announced that his 2012 re-election campaign would officially be called:  “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” Campaign.  -  And oh yeah, President Obama also said he most definitely plans on “WINNING!”

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It's Not About Me!...

Okay, well maybe just a little…

Thank you to Neal Rubin for his brilliant article in yesterday’s On-Line Edition of the Detroit News about a local, brilliant, articulate, genius of a radio personality who is a legend in his own mind…Me!  Read the story and watch me dancing as “Queen Elizabeth” @ www.detnews.com.  Yes, I’m a “Dancing Queen”!

More Great Links for Your Entertainment!…

Visit me at my Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page and at…

My LaughWithBigAl YouTube Channel.  But wait, there’s more!…

Visit my new web page bigalmuskavito.com!  (Sill very much under construction)

AND FINALLY!!!…Don’t forget to join me at Joe Nipote’s comedySLAM™ on Saturday, April 16th!  Comedians Heywood Banks, Mike Green and a host of other great comics get together for a great cause.  Hope to see you there!

Ok, ok, that’s enough!  Thanks for tagging along with me today while Dick and Jackie take a few days off this week.  More scintillating news and views again tomorrow right here at DickPurtan.com!  Have a great day…it’s going to be kind of warm!  Yippee!

Yours Truly,

“Big Al”

 

 

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