EXCLUSIVE: Sheen Show Script Leaked & We've Got It!

Well Saturday is the big night… Charlie Sheen will debut his live stage show right here in Detroit at the Fox. For people who thought seeing Charlie live on stage was the greatest moment in showbiz history — it just got even better.  Officials have announced that another “winner” has been added to the list of guest performers: Snoopp Dogg! Talk about a dream ticket! While producers are keeping details of the show close to the vest, we have obtained an EXCLUSIVE copy of the show’s script.  What follows are excerpts from what Charlie will be saying…

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ANNCR:  Ladies and Gentlemen… You are among the elite few privileged enough to experience Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” Tour.  Please turn your cell phones off and please welcome to the stage…. Charlie SHEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

CHARLIE ENTERS THE STAGE IN A GOLDEN HAMMOCK CARRIED BY SIX SCANTILY CLAD PROSTITUTES.  “GONNA FLY NOW” – THE THEME FROM ROCKY - PLAYS AS HE STEPS TO THE MICROPHONE.

CHARLIE:

Welcome to the planet Sheen.  I am a Warlock.  I am the King.  I am who you want to be, but unfortunately you never will be because there’s only one me.  And I’m him.  I’m it.  I hit the freakin’ Super Powerball lottery of DNA.  I’m Albert Einstein on steroids.  Put Bill Gates, George Clooney, and the Dahli Lama in a blender… hit puree… pour over ice and treat yourself to a tall glass of Charlie. 

I wasn’t really “conceived” I was sent here to this orb some people call “Earth” to show all you pathetic mortals what you could be if only you were me.  But you’re not.  You’re you.  And that must suck! 

I feel bad for you…. NOT.  Feeling bad for you would imply that I cared  about you and I don’t. I care about one thing and one thing ONLY:  Charlie Sheen.

By the way… on the Planet Sheen, today is “Prostitute Appreciation Day”.   So let’s all tip our hats and drop our pants in salute to the “working girls” who keep this country “up” and running.   

I’m Forrest Hump.  As I always say, “Life is like a box of hookers.   You pay up front so you always know what you’re gonna get.”

Before we begin our “Parade of Porn Stars”… I’d like to read you an excerpt from one of my favorite books – “Goldie Locks and the Three Au Pairs”. 

Ah… screw the excerpt!  Let’s just say in my version Papa Bear’s bed is the one that’s Juuuuuust right!

Winning!

Well “losing” is the state of Michigan that just passed a law that strip clubs can no longer put pictures of “models” on their billboards. That’s like takin’ the “mmm, mmm good!” logo off the Campbell’s soup cans.  

I’m like Visa.  I’m everywhere you want to be.  But you can’t get there can you?  Because you’re not Charlie Sheen.  I am.

Okay…  I can see that you’ve got questions.  Go ahead.  Bring it.  But I warn you that my answers will make your liver quiver and will turn your wisdom teeth into idiots.  By the way, I caused the earthquake in Japan.  Just a little payback for that crappy movie “Pearl Harbor”.  Karma’s a bitch, man.  And so are my three ex-wives.  

Speaking of marriage… Dennis Rodman’s in town.  They retired his #10 jersey at the Pistons game last night. He’s backstage right now putting on his wedding gown and will be out after my two “Goddesses” perform their rendition of that rock ‘n roll classic, “My Ding-A-Ling”…  

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Okay. I know what you read above is just plain weird… but then again, so is Charlie!  Besides, Happy April Fools Day!  

-Dick

P.S. Unfortunately I can’t make the show… I’ve got tickets to see Lil Wayne at the Palace Saturday night! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday. 

Pretty People Pretty Happy!

University of Texas economists analyzed five large, multinational studies between 1971 and 2009 and found that attractive people are happier and make more money.  They say about a third of people are average or gorgeous, 10-15% are below average or homely, and those in the middle are neither.  When asked to rank thier own happiness, the best-looking people were an average of 10% happier than the ugliest people.  

- So Angelina Jolie is only 10% happier than Helen Thomas?  I don’t think so…

- But thanks to Internet porn, even ugly guys can be happy at the touch of a button! 

- If “gorgeous” people make the most money, then explain Bill Gates.

- The blond female newsreaders on the Fox New Channel must be the happiest people on earth!

Oprah's Lookin' Rosie!

Oprah Winfrey appears to be annointing Rosie O’Donnell as the new Oprah.  Oprah’s OWN network has been plummeting in the ratings, and her sydicated talk show will end on May 25th.  So she has signed Rosie to do a new show to anchor the OWN line-up - that will be filmed in Oprah’s old studio.  But critics aren’t sure American’s will embrace the former “Queen of Nice” since she’s gotten so political, spent a combative year on “The View” and was even voted “the most annoying celebrity of 2007” by the readers of Parade magazine. 

- She did do a lot better with the readers of “Gay Pride Parade” magazine.  

- So I guess this means Rosie is now one of Oprah’s Favorite Things! 

- Instead of new cars, Rosie will give everyone in her audience the finger.  

- At least the tabloids won’t have any expose about Rosie and her best friend being secretly gay!   

They Should Get Kicked In The Keester For Doing That To Easter!

Officials in Munson, Ohio, planned to rename the town Easter egg hung the “Spring Egg Hunt” to keep from offending anyone.  Parents were so outraged, a local homebuilder put up $600 to sponsor it privately and call it an Easter egg hunt again. 

- Apparently the idea of a “Spring Egg Hunt” didn’t go over-easy…

- Embarrassed officials are scrambling to come up with an alternate plan. 

- As you can imagine, the Easter Bunny was hopping mad! 

- And not a “peep” from the town Mayor…

- Next up:  They’re gonna change “Labor Day” to “September Monday” so as not to offend the unemployed. 

It's A Bird... It's A Plane... It's Arnold Super-negger!

With his years as governor behind him, Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon return to his acting career with a new animated TV series. The planned action-comedy cartoon is called “The Governator,” and will focus on a superhero living a double life as an ordinary family man. Schwarzenegger will provide the voice of the title character. The series is planned as the first stage of a franchise that could also include comics and films.

- Don’t all superheros lead a double life?  

- Then there’s Charlie Sheen who leads a double life but isn’t a superhero… except to the 5000 people who bought tickets to see him at the Fox Theater this weekend!  

- Arnold can’t ever run for President because he wasn’t born in this country.  And he’s got the birth certificate to prove it! 

She Get's A "C" For Cheating

The Minnesota Better Business Bureau says it’s gotten numerous complaints about EssayWritingCompany.com, a business that writes term papers for students for a fee.  One complaint really stood out:  Despite the risk of being busted for cheating, a Colorado woman filed a formal complaint that her paid-for term paper didn’t arrive in four days as promised.  

- Whatever happened to the good old days when you’d just copy off the smart girl sitting next to you for free?

Ask Your Doctor About "FD"...

Some experts say a new condition called “Facebook Depression” is afflicting teens who obsess over their online interactions and number of friends.  But others say it’s just a new twist on teenagers who’d have low self-esteem and would be depressed even without Facebook. 

 - But without Facebook they wouldn’t be able to know how many of their friends “like” the fact that they have low self-esteem!

- The medical community is all a-Twitter about it!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1889, the Eiffel Tower in Paris was officially completely.  

- Giving the French their first legitimate reason for turning their nose up at something.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Oops...Senator Gets Caught With Foot and Schu(mer) In Mouth!

Democratic Sen. Chuck Schumer of New York put his foot in his mouth Tuesday during a conference call with other Democrats. He thought reporters would soon be joining them, so he told the other Democrats to remember to label any Republican spending cut proposals as “extreme.” He said, “I always use ‘extreme.’ That is what the caucus instructed me to use.” He was then informed that the reporters were already on the line, and he stopped talking in mid-sentence. 

- And to think that Schumer was just 2 days away from being able to yell APRIL FOOLS”!  Oh the humanity!

- The good news is the new health care plan covers “Foot in Mouth” disease.

Who Said Good Things Come In Small Packages?

The New York Times reports that food companies are hiding price inflation by putting groceries into smaller and smaller packages. One Texas mother of nine noticed that food wasn’t going as far, and she discovered that the one-pound boxes of pasta she always bought now held 13.25 ounces, cans of vegetables had dropped from 16 to as little as 11 ounces, sugar now came in a 4-pound bag instead of 5 pounds, and two-liter ice cream is now 1.5 liters.

- You know I thought that “pound” cake I ate the other day felt a little light.

- Reminds me of the old saying: “Give a man ¾’s of a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

It Slithers And Twitters!

The Bronx Zoo says it could be weeks before they find the escaped cobra that got out of its enclosure at the reptile house.  But now an anonymous prankster claiming to be the cobra has taken to taunting them from its own Twitter page, @BronxZoosCobra. So far, “The Cobra” has tweeted that it’s taken in a late night show taping, made plans to attend a Broadway musical, and offered to bite Donald Trump to keep him from running for President.

- If the cobra wants to remain free it shouldn’t bite Trump, it should just hide in his hair.

- The late night show the cobra took in was “Letterman”, the night Dave was doing “Stupid Venomous Snake Tricks”.

- The cobra is probably still on the grounds of the zoo.  I mean what cobra in its right mind would want to be all alone on the streets of New York?

- We all know know that Cobra’s know how to twitter and have their own Cobra health care plan!  

We Now "Paws" For This Important Beer Story...

Maryland-based Flying Dog Brewery is suing the Michigan Liquor Control Commission for rejecting the name of their 20th anniversary India pale ale. It’s called “Raging Bitch.” It’s the latest in a line of beers that includes “In Heat Wheat” Ale and other suggestive names. The makers say “Raging Bitch” was voted by a trade publication as one of the top 10 new beers of 2010, and censoring the name in Michigan has cost them sales and violated their freedom of speech. They also note that the state commission allowed the sale of a Grand Rapids-made beer called “Dirty Bastard.” 

- Say barkeep; pour me another “Shih Tzu Schlitz”, please!

- My two favorite drinks are a “Long Island Iced Flea” and a “Pina Chihuahua”.

- The Flying Dog Brewery has warned the Michigan Liquor Control Commission that it will not just roll over and play dead.

The Case Of The Creepy Crustacean Criminal!

Brian Troy McDaniel of Conewago, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he allegedly stuffed two bags of frozen shrimp down his pants at a supermarket, then attacked an officer as he tried to run away. A security guard said he saw McDaniel stuff one bag of frozen shrimp down the “crotch area” of his pants, but he didn’t see where he put the other one. 

- Upon a strip search they found shrimp and crabs.

- A great way to impress the ladies!  Stuff a bag of stuff labeled “Shrimp” down your pants!

- The shrimp thief threatened to blow up the supermarket with a Molotov Cocktail Sauce bomb.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward agreed to buy Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million, a deal ridiculed as “Seward’s Folly.”

- Seward signed the deal only after the Russians guaranteed that would be able to see Russia from his house.

- Today $7.2 million gets you Sarah Palin’s house, a shotgun and 37 moose.  

Also on this day in 1858, inventor Hyman Lipman patented a process for attaching an eraser to the end of a pencil.

- The next day everybody’s golf scores improved.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday morning!

-Dick 

Big Al's Post-Radio Career A Real Drag...Queen!

With the Royal wedding just over a month away preparations for the marriage of England’s Prince William and his fiancee Kate Middleton are in full swing - even on this side of the pond.  Our own Big Al Muskavito (the voice behind Queen Elizabeth on my radio show) has unveiled a new website dedicated to pumping a little fun into all the pomp and circumstance…

Just go to http://www.royalweddingcomedy.com/gmv/ and you can watch a video in which Big Al/Her Majesty explains that he/she will be your go-to guy/girl for all your pre-Royal Wedding needs.  He even managed to get a picture of himself in today’s Free Press! (Also follow Big Al at his Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page!)

Nice crumpets, big guy! 

NATO Waits For DWTS

Monday night, President Obama explained why we’re bombing Libya, saying it prevented the slaughter of thousands of people, and that NATO would take over command of the mission by tomorrow.  But the speech had to run at 7:30 EST because the networks wouldn’t give him prime time on the night “Dancing With The Stars” was on. 

- A lot of people who watched the speech thought Obama was the one doing the dancing. 

- I guess Kirstie Alley put her foot down… and it nearly caused another tsunami. 

- The “DWTS” judges actually rated Obama’s performance… with flamboyant Bruno saying, “It was a SEXY SEXY speech” that left him “wanting more!” 

Splitting Hairs?

To hammer home his questions about Barack Obama’s eligibility to even be President, possible 2012 contender Donald Trump released his own birth certificate and said it took just one hour to get.  But critics said it’s not an official New York birth certificate because it doesn’t have the state seal and is just a hospital-issued certificate that only verifies that he was born, not where he was born. 

- C’mon..  We all know the Donald was born on the planet Krypton! 

- Trump claims the birth certificate is authentic because it’s got a hand-written note from his father on it reading “You’re Sired!”

- Obama calls The Donald’s challenge that he’s not eligible to be President “Trumped up charges”.

Move Over Football... There's A New 'Game Of Inches' In Town!

A website called TargetMap.com has determined that the largest penises in the world are in the Congo, with the average man there measuring 7.1 inches.  In second place… Ecuadorian men at 6.9 inches.  The smallest are in Asia, with the Chinese averaging 4.3 inches and South Korea, the smallest of all, at just 3.8 inches.  Interestingly, when you corollate that with a map of IQ’s, you find that the lowest intelligence is where the penises are biggest and the highest I.Q.’s are where the “male organs” are the smallest. 

- So it’s true!  Kim Jong Ill is the smartest man in the world! 

- This explains why women at dances always line up to do the Congo… uh, I mean, Conga!

Can I Get A Side of Russian?

On the flip side… TargetMap.com also revealed that the largest breasts in the world are in Russia, where the average woman is larger than a D-cup.  The U.S., Venezuela, and France are close behind with D-cups.  The smallest are in Peru, China, and Central Africa where the average breasts are A-Cups. 

- Obviously, they weren’t looking at the same women I used to look at in the African section of National Geographic magazine when I was a boy! 

- So women in Siberia have Size D+ breasts?  I guess “shrinkage” only applies to men. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1992, presidential candidate Bill Clinton uttered those now infamous words: “I didn’t inhale” while admitting to “experimenting with marijuana”.  

- Years later he uttered some other now infamous words: “I did not have sex with that woman… Miss Lewinsky.”  Those were the years when he was “experimenting with interns”.  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick