Somebody's Got Some 'Splainin' To Do...

Tonight, President Obama will address the nation on live TV to explain the Libya military action.  He will reportedly let us know who’s in charge and what it is that we’re trying to accomplish…

- Obama’s so desperate for public support, he asked Glenn Beck to join him and diagram it all out on his chalkboard. 

- This Libyan thing is so confusing it makes “Obamacare” seem downright easy to understand.  

- Moammar Gadaffi has already set his DVR so he can re-watch the speech in case he doesn’t understand what’s going on the first time. 

- So have all the guys at the Pentagon…

Closet Organizers?

Orlando Sentinel reporter Scott Powers was the only pool reporter allowed to cover a big Democratic fundraiser at a Florida mansion the other evening - featuring Joe Biden.  But he told the Drudge Report that a staffer for the Veep told him he wasn’t allowed to mingle with the guests. Instead, he was put in a storage closet - guarded by a staffer.  He was allowed out for 35 minutes to hear Biden’s speech, but was then taken back to the closet for the rest of the night.  Biden’s staff has apologized but critics are questioning whether stuffing a reporter in a closet is legal. 

- Luckily, Biden’s staff is really used to apologizing… it’s just usually for something Joe said. 

- Don’t Democrats usually encourage people to come out of the closet? 

- This is what’s known as “Lack of Freedom of The Press”. 

- Rachel Maddow wasn’t chosen as the pool reporter because she’s already come out of the closet!

What Are They Gonna Do With All The Sext Books?

Madonna is facing lawsuits and a lot of bad publicity after canceling plans to build a $15 million school for poor girls in Malawi.  Locals were already mad at her for allegedly bending rules to adopt two Malawi kids and for forcing a village to move to make room for the school.  Now Madonna has pulled the plug on the school after learning that her charity’s executive director - the partner of her former personal trainer - quit after admitting that he and some staffer’s spent $3.8 million on salaries, golf memberships, chauffeured cars and other luxuries before the first brick was laid. 

- When I think of Madonna, it’s not usually “bricks” I think of as getting laid.  

- It was going to the be the first school in history to teach “Sex Ed” in Kindergarten! 

- The kids attending Madonna’s school would have been required to get the usual vaccinations… and a few extra shots of penicillin. 

- If you can’t trust the life-partner of your formal personal trainer with $15 million bucks… who can you trust? 

Use Your Money Maker to Save Money!

A new poll of 3,000 British women revealed that 85% of those surveyed admitted to flirting with salesmen in order to get discounts.  They estimate that hair-tossing, eye contact, giggling and being overly friendly saves them an average of $250 (US) a year.  56% of the women say they’ve successfully used flirting to get things for free. 

- The women did admit that the whole flirting thing rarely worked with the guy who does their hair.  

- Big deal!  Hookers actually get paid for flirting!

- The moral of the story:  Stop clipping coupons and just show a little cleavage!  

- So women can get money off…  just by turning a guy on.  

The Itch Is Back...

Wake Forest University dermatologists proved that like yawns, itches are visually contagious.  They call it “itch transmission”.  They had volunteers watch a video of someone else scratching himself, and that alone was enough to make them start scratching.  Even when a substance that causes itching was applied to a patch of their skin, they still tended to scratch more on random parts of their bodies, just like the person in the video. 

- “Itch Transmission”.  I thought that’s what happens when you go out on a date with Charlie Sheen.  

- So I guess we can scratch another “scientific mystery” off our list. 

- As they say, “Life’s an Itch and Then You Die”. 

- This study was sponsored by “Cruex”… Just look for the box with the picture of Roseanne Barr on the front!

She's A Waskily Wabbit!

Life & Style Magazine reports that Hugh Hefner’s 24-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris is already cheating on him… with Dr. Phil’s son, record executive Jordan McGraw.  But a Playboy spokesman insisted their relationship is “strictly professional”.  

- Hef is said to be devastated!  All this time he thought he was marrying a virgin! 

- Dr. Phil said, “Bunnies are like rabbits.  Dangle a carrot out in front of them and they can’t help themselves.”

- Gosh… he’s 84!  Where is Hugh ever gonna find another buxom 20-something blond to marry him?  Oh yeah, in his bedroom! 

No More Big "O"!

The end of an era now has an official date: Oprah Winfrey announced that the final episode of her talk show will air on May 25th, but she didn’t say what she plans to do on the show. 

- She’s going to give everyone in the audience their own country!  

- The Smithsonian has reportedly asked Oprah for two things to put on permanent display:  Stedman and Gayle King. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1930, the Turkish cities of Constantinople and Angora changed their names to Istanbul and Ankara. 

- “Why did Constantinople get the works?  That’s nobody’s business but the Turks’!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

The Rise And Fall Of "The Empire"??

Apparently, Charlie Sheen isn’t the only one who thinks he’s “Winning”. An article by Bret Easton Ellis (fittingly, the author of the novel “American Psycho”) argues that not only is Charlie Sheen Winning - he’s basically a role model for the new celebrity world order. According to Ellis there are two types of “stars”: “Empire” (not good) and “Post-Empire” (excellent!). Put another way, Post-Empire Stars “get it”; “Empire” stars do not… 

Ellis says, “Sheen has embraced post-Empire, making his bid to explain to all of us what celebrity now means. Whether you like it or not is beside the point. It’s where we are, babe.  We’re learning something.  Rock and roll. Deal with it”.  

So who are these Post Empire celebs who “get it”?  According to Ellis, the list includes The Kardshians and the cast of “Jersey Shore”.  Lady Gaga proved she “gets it” by arriving at the Grammy’s inside a giant translucent egg.  Ricky Gervais “gets it” too - which he demonstrated during his hosting of the Golden Globe’s.  However, Robert Downey Jr., who got mad at Gervais for his crass and even cruel remarks, “didn’t get it” by getting angry.   

And the list goes on…

Ellis continues, “James Franco not taking the Oscar telecast seriously but treating it with gentle disrespect totally got it.”  But Ellis points out that Franco’s co-host Anne Hathaway who tried to bring some class to the broadcast didn’t get it at all.  

Surprisingly, despite his embarrassing couch-jumping-I’m-so-in-love “Oprah” episode, Tom Cruise doesn’t get it either, in Mr. Ellis’s opinion. Sure he had a rather public meltdown of sorts, but because he did it with a smile on his face and apologized later… it just proved that Cruise is “Empire”.  

Here’s another quote from the article:

“You’re completely missing the point if you think the Charlie Sheen moment is really a story about drugs. Yeah, they play a part, but they aren’t at the core of what’s happening - or why this particular Sheen moment is so fascinating.  It’s about a well-earned mid-life crisis played out on CNN. Arrests.  Accidental overdoses. Halfhearted stints in rehab and allegedly threatening to cut his wife’s head off and send it to her mother…”  

Throw in all the bizarre rants, the “Tiger Blood”, and the porn stars for good measure and Ellis says, “Sheen has put on a mesmerizing and refreshing display of midlife-crisis honesty.  He’s just himself, an addict — take it or leave it… He’s raw and lucid and intense:  the most fascinating person wandering through the culture”.

If Mr. Ellis’s take on Charlie is right, and Barbara Walter’s feels the same way, look to see Sheen snag the number one spot on her “Most Fascinating People of 2011 Special”.  That is, if he lives that long!

What is so disturbing to me, is that for younger people watching all of this play out — this behavior (not only bizarre but in Sheen’s case dangerous) can’t help but become what they consider “normal”. As Ellis says, “What Sheen has exemplified and clarified is the moment in the culture when not caring what the public thinks of you or your personal life is what matters most… and what makes the public love you even more.”  

Personally, I think there is a lot more at play with Charlie Sheen than just his addictions.  I believe there is definitely some mental illness there.  And given his romantic track record, I wouldn’t be surprised if Syphilis has eaten away part of his brain.  But to set him up as the poster child of “Post-Empire” celebrity-dom and say that that’s a good thing - no, a GREAT thing - is in itself bizarre and potentionally very dangerous! 

I guess, I’m just one of the ones who, happily, “doesn’t get it”.  

Have a great weekend!  See you back here Monday morning!

-Dick

My Mea Culpa (Sorta)...

Obviously I hit a nerve with some of you yesterday with my lines about Elizabeth Taylor.  There were two lines, “Elizabeth Taylor’s Divorce From Life Finalized” and “There will be eight pallbearers… one for each marriage.” (I’m assuming it’s the second one that ruffled some feathers).  I knew when I wrote the line, that it might not go over so well with everyone…  

But you have to understand… most of us boys’ senses of humor never really grow much past high school!   

Obama Keeps His Eye On The Prize...

An increasing number of foreign leaders have joined Obama supporters like Michael Moore in calling on the President to return his Nobel Peace Prize after authorizing military action in Libya without Congressional approval. But the Commander in Chief says no dice.  Tuesday, the President said, “When I received the award, I specifically said there was an irony because I was already dealing with two wars.”  He added, “I think the American people don’t see any contradiction in somebody who cares about Peace also wanting to make sure that people aren’t butchered because of a dictator who wants to cling to power”.  

- A slightly confused Charlie Sheen said he’ll gladly take Obama’s “Piece Prize”!

There's No "Plea"sing Lindsay!

Despite warnings that she would almost certainly go to jail at least for violating her probation if she rejected a plea deal, Lindsay Lohan rejected it.  She’s chosen to go to trial on charges of stealing the expensive necklace, because she’s sure she can convince a jury she’s innocent. 

- And she will… if the jury consists of 12 men and she wears that tight white dress to court everyday!

- But California juries are tough!  Just look what happened to O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake. 

"Regrets, I've Had A Few..."

Northwestern University polled Americans age 20 to 80 to find out what their biggest regrets were.  The number one answer involved romance - either “the one that got away”; a missed opportunity; or someone with whom it didn’t quite work out.  Not surprisingly, 44% of women listed a romantic regret as their biggest, compared to only 19% of men.  

- But the men who did have romantic regrets only regretted not having more sex with “the one that got away” before she got away.  

- If women want to feel better about “the one that got away” they should just check out his current picture on Facebook. Chances are, they won’t feel so bad.  

The second-biggest regrets were family issues, like not being nicer to a loved one.  Other regrets included not going to college, choosing money over your life’s passion, or not getting divorced sooner.  

- That last one tops the list of every one of Larry King’s ex-wives. 

Stick A Fork In Her... She's Done!

Police in Ohio arrested a 42-year-old woman who allegedly knocked on her neighbor’s door, and when he answered, jabbed him in the chest with a small pitchfork used for toasting marshmellows.  She had earlier made a noise complaint against him.  The man told the cops his marshmallow fork-wielding neighbor, “Had the look of death in her eyes”. 

- Thank God she didn’t own a fondue set or she might have taken out the whole family!

- I wish we had s’more info on this story…

- Police believe she’ll get her just desserts… and they’ll probably involve chocolate and  some graham crackers.

Frankly My Dear, People Seem To Give A Damn!

ABC-TV and People magazine surveyed over a half million people to find out the most popular movie characters of all time.  Counting down from #5 the winners were Indiana Jones, Hannibal Lecter, Scarlett O’Hara, James Bond and at #1, Forrest Gump.  

- What?  No Jimmy Carrey and Jeff Daniels from “Dumb and Dumber?” 

- I can’t believe my two favorites weren’t in the top 5:  Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd!

The same survey asked people to name their all-time favorite film:  The winner?  “Gone With the Wind”. 

- Kwame Kilpatrick voted for “Escape From Alcatraz”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1874, Harry Houdini was born.

- He wasn’t actually “born”, he just “escaped”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

A Hollywood Legend Lost

RIP… Legendary two-time Academy Award winning actress Elizabeth Taylor died early this morning at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles at the age of 79.  She had been in the hospital for the past month undergoing treatment for congestive heart failure.  The much-married Taylor endured a lifetime of heath problems and is considered by many to be the most beautiful movie actress of all time.  

- Their will be eight pallbearers… one to represent each of her marriages.

"Liar! Liar! The Judge's Robe Is On Fire!"

Monday, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco struck down the Stolen Valor Act, which makes it a crime punishable by up to a year in prison to falsely claim to be a recipient of high military decorations, like the Congressional Medal of Honor.  Seven judges strongly dissented, but in defending every American’s God-given right to be a big, fat liar, Chief Judge Alex Kozinski said the law could make it a crime to perpetuate a child’s belief in Santa Claus; say “I’m working late tonight, honey”; “I didn’t inhale”; or for a dentist to say “This won’t hurt a bit”.  He added, “Saints may always tell the truth, but for mortals, living means lying”. 

- Although he may have been lying when he said that. 

- He left immediately after the ruling, saying he had to meet his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for lunch.  

- Fifty bucks says this guy was appointed by Bill “I didn’t inhale” Clinton.  

- So when you raise you hand in court and swear “to tell the whole truth” you don’t really have to tell the “whole truth”. 

At Least You'll Die With A Smile On Your Face And Six-Pack Abs...

A new study by Tufts Medical Center found that exercising or having sex can kill you, particularly if you don’t exercise regularly.  They found that your overall risk of having a heart attack triples during the hours immediately after working out or having sex.  But one of the study’s authors said that doesn’t mean exercise or sex are dangerous… it just means that your odds of a heart attack go up from 1 in a million to 3 in a million. 

- Even if he never does a single sit-up, Charlie Sheen is a dead man. 

- This really takes the fun out of having sex while using a thigh master!

- So it’s obvious that Jack LaLanne, who died at age 96, just had too… much… sex!! 

Making a Moutain Out Of A Molehill?

NASCAR driver Robby Gordon is suing a natural male enhancement pill for failing to pay him for displaying their logo on his race team vehicles. Gordon claims  that in August of 2010, he signed a deal with the Exclaim company to promote their male enhancement pill “Extenze” during certain NASCAR races at $230,000 a pop. He claims he drove in three NASCAR races in cars sporting the logo… but never got a dime. 

- He should have gone with a more reputable sponsor like Viagra… I’m sure they would have kept up their end of the bargain.  

- It takes a big man to drive around in front of thousands of people advertising a product that implies that he’s not!  

- In a similar story… Female driver Danica Patrick just inked a fresh endorsement deal with “Summer’s Eve”.