Have You E-Mailed A Failed-Male Today?

A researcher in London has discovered a previously unknown guidebook to women - written in 1505!  It’s believed to have been written by “scientist” Albertus Magnus, to help priests understand and avoid women. The book describes females as “failed males” and says if you want to know if a woman is a virgin, maker her sniff a head of lettuce.  If she then needs to use the bathroom, she is “corrupted”.  The book also claims that during “that time of the month”, women can kill animals with just a look.  

- You gotta admit he nailed that last one…

- The Lettuce-Sniffing-Virgin thing made it all the way to Italy… giving birth to the expression, “When in Romaine”. 

- Instead of “It’s a Girl!”, they used to send out birth announcements saying “It’s a Failed Male!” 

- After reading this, Albertus’s mother said HE was the “Failed Male” in their family!

Can You Rise To The Occasion By NOT Rising To The Occasion?

According to Gitmo documents posted by Wikileaks, a senior al-Queda detainee, Abd al-Rahim Hussein Muhammad Abdah al-Nashiri, was so devoted to jihad that to avoid being distracted by women, he took injections to promote impotence.  He reportedly urges his fellow terrorists to do the same. 

- But they decided to stick with their own “urges”.

- One inmate said, “I’d rather be water boarded!”

- Why didn’t we think of this?  If we could keep these guys from procreating… Problem solved!  

- If all the other guys have been taking the impotence shots… we finally know where all those 70 virgins in heaven are coming from!

This Really Frosted The Guy's Mini-Wheats!

Wednesday morning, a section of  the Ohio Turnpike was shut down for hours after a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed his truck, spilling a giant load of breakfast cereal all over the highway.  There were no major injuries, but bulldozers had to be brought in to clean up all the cereal. 

- If anyone had died, this guy would have instantly been labeled a “Cereal Killer”.  

- If he’d had a balanced breakfast, he wouldn’t have been so tired!

- Police believe he may have been drinking… Milk. 

- If the accident had happened in Oklahoma instead of Ohio, you could’ve “Gotten your Kix… on Route 66”!

- Luckily, the cereal was Fiber One so traffic was moving smoothly in no time. 

- The truck driver said all the cereal was ruined, but fortunately his Grape Nuts were in great shape!

There Are A Million Stories In The Naked Gym... This Is One Of Them.

Easy Gym in Spain has become that nation’s first gym to offer nude workout sessions.  A nudist spokesman says working out naked is natural “and much more comfy”, but some critics counter that it could be unsafe to use exercise machines while naked.  The “Easy Gym” isn’t worried, saying they provide towels for comfort and “to prevent slippage”. 

- But where are they gonna keep their iPods?  

- Nothing like the thought of a 200 pound hairy naked guy on the treadmill next to you to make you want to head to the gym!  

- They’re new slogan?  “Get Buff In The Buff”.  

- They had to cancel the “Meditation” classes because the men refused to keep their eyes closed.  

- For some reason the guys just love it when the women use the jump rope.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1789, Fletcher Christian led the crew of the British ship “The Bounty” in mutiny and set Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in the Pacific. 

- The next year, a similar mutiny took place on the smaller sister ship:  “The Bounty Select-A-Size”.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

P.S. See SPECIAL NOTE from Big Al below!!!!!

Who Needs to Go to London? Go See "Big Al" as Queen Elizabeth!

Hi, it’s me…Your Roy-“Al” Highness, and I’ll be at a “Castle” tomorrow morning as “the Queen” and at a wedding no less!  Let the humiliation for me continue!  Marquisa Benford, 34, a mother of seven, and Donahvan Gray, 21, both of Detroit, wanted to be wed on the same day as Will & Kate.  Well, they entered and won a contest to tie the knot at the White Castle restaurant at 12 Mile and Dequindre in Warren. The couple, who own a tattoo business, met at White Castle in May 2009 and eat there almost every day.  White Castle is providing a free reception for 20 guests.  The ceremony commences at 10:30 Friday morning and I’ll be eating sliders at 10:31.  Yes, sliders, tattoos and me in drag - ain’t life grand! Hope to see you there!  Ta ta for now! 

Wait A Minute... What Year Did Hawaii Become A State???

BREAKING NEWS:  After years of speculation and a recent push by Donald Trump, at 9:45 EST this morning, President Obama finally produced an authorized copy of his birth certificate - proving that he was indeed born in Hawaii and is thus a natural American citizen.  He even went on live TV to make the announcement.  Trump said he hopes the birth certificate is authentic… but would still like to look at it.  He added that he’s “proud and honored” that the President followed through on his request.  

- If “The Donald” runs for President in 2012, Obama will refer to his Hawaiian birth certificate as his “Trump Card”. 

- Having the birth certificate is going to make it so much easier for Obama when he’s going through airport security! 

- The President has now asked to see a certificate from Trump’s hairdresser proving that his hair is real. 

Case Against Kwame: Nipped In The Bud

Kwame Kilpatrick has been cleared of sexual misconduct in prison for a one-second-long-incident in which he touched his wife’s breast while she visited him in the slammer last summer.  Inmates are allowed one kiss and one hug at the start and end of each visit… but nothing else.  A video shows Kwame briefly grazing Carlita’s breast while the two talked, but court officers decided Kilpatrick’s touch “was not done for the purpose of sexual gratification”. 

- Kwame assured his jealous cellmate Bubba that it was all a big mistake!

- Carlita was outraged by the verdict… she’s the one who filed the complaint. 

- Kwame immediately sexted… uh… texted his supporters with the good news.  

- His lawyer took a cue from Johnny Cochran when he used the “He got no thrill from the breast, I can attest!” defense. 

- Kwame had been prepared to cop a feel - I mean - cop a plea if things hadn’t gone his way.  

Gas PRICES Aren't The Only Thing Rising...

St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor has isolated a patient in his room after he ingested rat poison.  They say his body was emitting potentially harmful gases.  Hazmat teams were assigned to monitor levels of gas in the room.  A spokeswoman says they are maintaining a safe environment and as time passes, “the level of gas in the room is expected to improve.”

- Time isn’t the only thing “passing” in that room. 

- The last time the Hazmet team was called to action was to Big Al’s house after he made a late night stop at Taco Bell.   

She'll Win the "Cecil B. De-Rehab" Award!

Tuesday night in a “pre-recorded” interview with Jay Leno, Lindsay Lohan said she was shocked to be given 120 days in jail, but that it was definitely a wake-up call.  She said she’s taking responsibility for her actions and focusing on her career.  Leno told her she was a truly great actress and asked where she’d be in 10 years.  Her response?  Back on Leno’s couch, holding an Oscar. 

- That she’ll have “borrowed” from Meryl Streep. 

- It won’t actually be an Academy Award, it will be some drunk guy named Oscar that she’ll meet at a future stint in rehab.  

- Lindsay seemed sober… except when she kept calling Jay “Conan”. 

Do-Re-ME!!!!!!!

A new computer analysis of hit song lyrics from 1980 to 2007 reflects the same rise in narcissism and vanity in the current generation that shows up in personality tests. For instance, 80’s hits were often about getting along with others like “Ebony and Ivory” and “Celebrate”.  Today’s lyrics are often about how great the singer is, like Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” and Fergie’s “My Lovely Lady Humps”.  

- … wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s campaign song?  

Likewise, relationship songs have taken a negative turn:  We’ve gone from Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross’s duet “Endless Love” to rapper Cee-Lo Green’s “F—- You”. One psychologist said a good way for young people to recognize and avoid narcissism is that if Charlie Sheen says something a lot, it’s probably not a good value to adopt. 

- Duh?

- They only went back to songs from the 80’s.  What would they have to say about 70’s music and vanity… like Chuck Berry’s 1972 #1 hit “My Ding-a-Ling”?

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1993, Jack “Dr. Death” Kevorkian lost his license to 

kill people… uh… practice medicine in California. 

Also on this day in 1965, R.C. Duncan received a patent for Pampers disposable diapers.  

- When reporters asked if he thought disposable diapers would catch on, he replied “That’s a loaded question!”

- There are two reasons mothers love Pampers:  #1 and #2.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

He's A Song And (Bridal) Dance Man!

He made international headlines for designing the infamous “Giant Bow” hat Aretha Franklin wore to President Obama’s inauguration… and now local milliner Luke Song is back in the spotlight.  He’s sold hundreds of hats for… The Royal Wedding!  It may be taking place thousands of miles away, but Luke says can’t keep up with the demand from local women who want the perfect hat to wear to wedding teas and parties being held in Metro-Detroit.  He things some of the hats may make it all the way across the pond…

- If you want to fly across the pond… just ask Aretha if you can borrow her hat, go out in the backyard and wait for a stiff wind! 

- Don’t expect to get the hats for “a song”… they go for about $200 bucks a piece. 

- Mr. Song reportedly made a one-of-a-kind hat for Camilla… It’s said to be understated, and comes with blinders in case she gets scared.  

The Obamas Come Out Of Their Shell!

Monday, thousands of children jammed the White House lawn for the annual Easter Egg Roll.  In keeping with Michele Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign against childhood obesity, the theme was “Eat Up and Go!”  In addition to the egg roll, there was an “Eggtiity Zone” that included sports, dancing yoga and obstacle courses.  

- I miss the good old days when Bill Clinton used to host the annual “Easter Egg Roll-In-The-Hay!”

- The Easter Egg Hunt was a big hit… but Republicans became suspicious when one of the kids found Obama’s birth certificate hidden in the grass. 

- In the interest of diversity, the White House provided sweet and sour dipping sauce for the Chinese kids.  

- You gotta give Michele Obama credit… she spent days dying all those cartons of “Egg Beaters” purple and pink. 

Dig This...

Taliban insurgents pulled one over on Prison officials in Afghanistan by digging a 1,080 foot tunnel under the prison, allowing 480 prisoners to escape Sunday night.  They claim they had cell keys provided by unnamed “friends”.  NATO and Afghan officials had no explanation for why the prison guards never heard them digging beneath their feet during the five months it took to make the tunnel - or the smashing of a concrete floor on Sunday night. 

- Actually, the guards were distracted.  They were busy playing a spirited game of “Mohammed…”  “Polo…” in the prison pool.  

- They should get the guards those “Birdsong” hearing aids!  They’ll not only hear digging, they’ll be able to hear the guys in the yard talking about “that great looking guard” loud and clear!

- Hmmmmm… You don’t think the guards were in on this do you?  Nah…

How Did They Know It Wasn't Lady Gaga?

Police in Lodi, California, arrested Shawn Batie Friday night.  They say he was standing next to a cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark, and wearing only socks, an Oakland Raiders jacket, a G-string and a woman’s hair scrunchie around his genitals.  

- Hey, everybody grieves in their own way! 

Donde Esta El Bano?

After 70 years, Archie Andrews is about to start speaking Spanish. Archie Comics says the Riverdale gang is so popular in the Spanish-speaking world, they’re finally launching digital Spanish language versions of some titles. CEO Jon Goldwater says it gives Spanish readers a chance to experience “the American Dream… It’s the the typical small town America where there’s plenty of food and everyone is sheltered”. 

- So everyone in America is fed and sheltered?  What country is Mr. Goldwater living in?!

- In the version to be released in Mexico, Archie and Veronica are kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel.  

- “Jughead” will be known as “Jose-head”.   

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1607, an expedition including Capt. John Smith landed in Virginia to establish the first permanent English settlement in the Americas. 

- The group spent the first night at a Motel 6 after seeing the sign, “We’ll Leave the Candle On For Ya!”

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday!

-Dick

The Lowdown on Lohan...

Lindsay Lohan has caught a break…AGAIN! Friday, an L.A. judge reduced the necklace theft charge against her from a felony to a misdemeanor.  But parole violations will land her in jail for 120 days - which will most likely be reduced.  She was taken to the slammer but released pending appeal. She was also sentenced to 480 hours of community service that will be divided between a women’s shelter and the county morgue.  The only jobs there: photographing corpses and clean-up. 

- She stole a $25,000 necklace!!! What’s a gal gotta do to get arrested and actually serve real time in Tinsel Town? 

- Of course Linsday will have a fit because all of the corpses she will take pictures of will be thinner than she is!

How To Text An Ex!

During a performance of his “Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” tour in Ft. Lauderdale on Saturday, Charlie “The Warlock” Sheen announced that he had lost a member of the show’s cast… Apparently he’s down to just one “Goddess” after porn star and former “Goddess #2”, Bree Olson dumped Charlie… by text. That meant the “girl-on-girl” kiss, many thought to be the highlight of the show, was no not to be. 

- Where’s he gonna find another blond porn star to take her place?  

- Charlie was confused at first… he thought she was just “Sexting” him again.

- Maybe she just left because she just landed a role in a new porn movie!