Not only did Charlie lose a Goddess, but he experienced another embarrassing moment when he dropped by for an impromptu visit to comedian Drew Carey’s Improv show. Cast members said he smelled so bad, it was all they could do to keep from holding their noses and backed away from him. One guy said he smelled like smoke and old sweat, and appeared not to have showered in days. When Charlie asked, “What? Do I smell or something”, Drew answered, “Well yes actually, you do”.
- Now that’s what I call “A Violent Torpedo of Truth”!
- And so now we know why he got dumped by the Goddess!
- So the fans in Detroit were actually right when they said the show “stunk”!
Saturday, Buchingham Palace released an edited guest list for this week’s Royal Wedding. President Obama didn’t make the cut, but those who did include Elton John, David and Victoria Bechham, and comic Rowan Atkinson best known as “Mr. Bean”. He’s allegedly a close friend of Prince Charles.
- Wow. They get Elton John. At our wedding reception, we’d didn’t even have a band! The only singer was my crazy Aunt Helen doing her rendition of “The Hokey Pokey”.
- Camilla wanted to invite her friends, the Budweiser Clydesdales, but the Queen put her foot down.
- They were going to invite Dennis Rodman, but they were afraid he might wear the same dress as the bride.
A USC study found that people who’ve had Botox not only can’t make facial expression themselves, they have a harder time reading other people’s emotions and recognizing their expressions.
- Maybe they can read other people’s emotions… they just can’t show it!
- Scientists admit they still have a few “wrinkles to iron out” when it comes to Botox.
Health researchers have some shocking news for people who like to eat while driving: they found that the average steering wheel carries nine times more bacteria than the average public toilet seat - and it’s the kind that causes food poisoning. They blame it on people leaving fast food wrappers in their cars. Only one-third of the people surveyed said they clean their cars interior “at least once a year,” and 10% say the NEVER wipe off the steering wheel.
- I don’t get food on my steering wheel… I steer with my knees so I can drive and eat at the same time!
- Driver’s Ed teachers are now calling it the “Ten and Two and Toss Your Cookies” position.
Happy Good Friday! But whether is will be a good Friday in Dearborn today is a question still up in the air. As I write this, Pastor Terry Jones and his associate Wayne Sapp are in a courtroom fighting for their right to hold a protest outside the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn. Why the hearing? Jones and Sapp don’t want to pay the permit fee that could include about $45,000 for the security that police believe would be needed to maintain safety during the anti-Islamic rally Jones plans to hold in front of the largest Mosque in America.
You’ve undoubtably heard about Jones. He infamously held the Koran, the Muslim Holy Book “on trial” in his church in Florida last month, found it guilty of inciting murder among other things, and had his friend, Sapp, set in on fire. The event, captured on video set off violent protests as far away as Afghanistan and led to the murdering of a number of Christians.
The two showed up in court today wearing Harley Davidson T-Shirts and jeans - and are acting as their own council. They claim they have no intentions of burning another Koran and claim that their rally will not incite any violence. (But they claimed the same thing a month ago and then did it anyway… inciting not only violence, but the murder of Christians in the Middle East).
Jones claims that this is about the First Amendment… Free Speech. And while Free Speech is one of the things that makes this country great (and different from so many others who oppress their own citizens) - this is also about COMMON SENSE.
And in my humble opinion, COMMON SENSE would dictate that this so-called man of God would not risk the lives of so many others (a second time) under the guise of “My Right to Free Speech”. It’s nothing but grand-standing - but with potentially devastating results… again!
So make this a truly “Good Friday” Mr. Jones, and take your opinions elsewhere. They say there is a time and place for everything. Well, today is not the time. And outside the largest Mosque in this country is not the place.
*****
And now on to something a little lighter. (Or heavier depending how you look at it). With the Royal Wedding just a week away, Big Al donned his “Queenly attire” and made an appearance on the Fox 2 morning show. As you’ll note in both videos… it looks like Her Majesty - in her Easter Bonnet - has packed on a few pounds! Just click on picture to play!
Wednesday, Weird Al Yankovic revealed how he’s been jerked around by Lady Gaga to block his parody of her hit, “Born This Way,” which he just posted on the the internet. In the ensuing firestorm, Gaga insisted she loves Weird Al and never even heard the song. Her manager finally admitted he’d been speaking for her and she had never even heard it. Now, with her blessing… the song will be released.
- So Lady Gaga loves Weird Al Yankovic… Let’s just hope they never have kids together!
Here’s the video for your enjoyment…
BTW: FROM WIERD AL TO BIG AL… Tomorrow we’ll bring you not one but two videos of our own Big Al on FOX2 dressed as Queen Elizabeth! He/She tells all about the upcoming Royal Nuptials and his life after radio! You won’t (or maybe you will) want to miss it!
Ben-Gurion University in Israel found that attractiveness might be a drawback for women looking for work. They responded to job ads by sending out over 5300 similar resumes, all with photos attached. 13.6% of the plain looking women got interviews compared with only 12.8% of good looking applicants. Researchers said this might be because the average Human Resources worker is a 29-year-old single female who would be sympathetic to plain Janes and jealous of beautiful women.
- Does it really matter? The boss makes the final decision and we all know he’s going to pick the woman with the biggest boobs.
At a security conference in San Francisco, two researchers revealed that starting with the iOS4 update, Apple iPhone begang secretly keeping track of everyplace their owners go and when. Some iPads do the same thing. If you sync it with your computer the info is transferred there too. That means anyone who steals or has access to your iPhone, iPad or computer could open the file and see everywhere you’ve been in the past year. That includes everyone from thieves to jealous spouses. Apple had no comment.
- What’s the big deal? Doesn’t everybody post EXACTLY where they are EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY on Facebook and Twitter?!
- If only this technology was available when Kwame didn’t host that infamous party at the Manoogian Mansion! We’d know if Carlita had been there… in the “bat”of an eye!
There is a short paragraph at the very end of Apple’s iTunes Terms of Service agreement that grants them permission to use Apple devices to “collect, use and share” info on your precise geographic location.
- You show me one person who’s actually read the “Terms of Service” agreement before signing it and I’ll show you someone who actually read the Obamacare Health Bill!
Dentists in Ontario are petitioning for a change in a provincial law that bars dentists from having sex with any patient. They say it means they can’t have sex with their own wives if they give them dental treatments.
- Under the Canadian Health Care System, wives of Dentists have to make an appointment to have sex with their husbands… and then wait six months anyway!
- Most of the dentist’s wives said they’d rather have a root canal than have sex with their husbands.
Today… Queen Elizabeth II (the real one, not the one you watched above!) celebrates her 85th birthday!
- In honor of the big day, Prince Charlies petitioned parliament to have 85 become the mandatory retirement age for all Queens. (George Michael immediately objected)
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Friday!
Tuesday was McDonald’s first “National Hiring Day,” when they planned to hire 50,000 new workers and erase the “McJob” stigma. There were long lines of applicants at many locations, but things took a violent turn in Cleveland when an unnamed female job-seeker started a fight with another woman in line. She was ordered to leave, so she got into a car, backed up, struck the restaurant owner, the manager and the woman she’d been fighting with. She then took off, dumped the car nearby and is still on the loose.
- I hope they catch her… she’s perfect for the drive-thru!
- Sounds to me like somebody was a little McHormonal…
- If she ends up in prison, she won’t be “Lovin’ It!”
- Mayor McCheese was unavailable for comment as he was at a parole hearing for the Hamburglar.
Sears has filed a lawsuit against a Georgia online company, RockHard Laboratories, for selling a sexual enhancement spray marketed under the same name as their car batteries: “DieHard”. Sears is demanding that RockHard stop using the trademarked name, and wants them to pay enough damages for Sears to run an ad campaign to correct any mistaken assumptions that DieHard batteries are associated with sexual enhancement.
- Didn’t this also happen with “Ever-Ready” batteries?
- Sears knew there was confusion when membership in their “Craftsmen Club” jumped 200% overnight.
- If Sears doesn’t have anything to do with sexual enhancement than why are they always trying to sell those “Extended” warrenties?
Charlie Sheen’s estranged wife Brook Mueller missed a mandatory drug test and had to return to rehab. That prompted Sheen to go to court Tuesday in Los Angeles to ask for full custody of their twin sons. But the judge rejected him, ruling that is was better for the kids to stay with a relapsed drug addict mom who’s in rehab than be trusted to Charlie Sheen.
- “Winning!”… uh, I mean “Losing!”
- I swear I remember this exact same story on an episode of “Little House On The Prairie”.
- It’s not like Charlie would be alone with the kids! He’s got all those porn stars lying around the house just waiting to help out!
- I think the judge was afraid Charlie doesn’t know the difference between “Play Dates” and “Playmate Dates”.
Former “Happy Days” cast members Erin “Joanie” Moran, Anson “Potsie” Williams, Donnie “Ralph Malph” Most and Marion “Mrs. Cunningham” Ross are joining with Tom Bosley’s estate to sue CBS and Paramount for $10 million. The show is still in reruns worldwide, but they claim they’ve never seen a penny of the promised merchandise royalties from clothing, mugs, greeting cards, lunchboxes and more. Ross says she realized they were being ripped off when her house went into foreclosure while people kept remarking on how much money she must be making from being on the new “Happy Days” slot machine.
- CBS isn’t budging… They told Anson Williams to “Sit on it!”.
- Considering the state of the financial debt this country has today, it looks like the 1950’s really were “Happy Days”.
- Maybe CBS is holding out so they can make them all come back for a reality show about this battle!
- So the only cast member who actually ended up getting Rich in real life was “Richie”.
Today is 4/20 or National Marijuana Day! It originated in 1971 when some high school students in California would meet after school every day at 4:20 to smoke pot.
- Bill Clinton was one of them… but he didn’t inhale.
- That was 40 years ago and they’re still doing it today. Of course now it’s for their glaucoma.
- The makers of Doritos will pause this afternoon at 4:20 to observe a moment of thanks.
- It was known as the “No Child Left Be-High-nd” program!
After five air traffic controllers were caught falling asleep on the job, another one has been suspended for a new reason. Early Sunday morning at the busy Cleveland Air Route Traffic Control Center, baffled pilots heard about three minutes of a movie soundtrack coming over their radios. Turns out the controller had accidentally turned on his microphone while watching a DVD on a portable player instead of watching the radar screen. Neither the name of the controller or the movie have been released.
- I heard he was watching the movie I was in with Jay Leno and Pat Morita… “Collision Course”.
- Apparently he misunderstood the meaning of “inflight movie”.
- We already have to pay extra for seats, luggage and carry-on’s… maybe this is just the first step towards charging us $30 bucks to have an air traffic controller actually control the air traffic.
Charlies Manson finally broke a 20-year silence by giving a prison interview to Vanity Fair Spain. The subject: global warming! In a weird, rambling lecture Manson said, “Everyone’s God, and if we don’t wake up to that, there’s going to be no weather because our polar caps are melting… If we don’t put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we’ve butchered, if we don’t go to war against the problem…” He trailed off but later added, “I’m in the bullring. I run in the bullring with the heart of the world.”
- Charlie Sheen immediately replied: “Winning!”
- So Manson doesn’t have a problem butchering people, but hurting trees really gets his Nazi tatoo in a knot!
- Al Gore is going to make a documentary about the interview called, “An Incarcerated Truth”.
- Isn’t it time Charlie settled down and started a “family”? No wait… he already did that.
The New York Post quotes an NBC insider as claiming that the network is scaling back its planned coverage of the British royal wedding after audience research found that American TV viewers find Prince William and Kate Middleton to be “really boring”. They had planned a week’s worth of broadcasts with Brian Williams “on location”, including wall-to-wall coverage from 4am to 11pm on the big day, but have cut the amount in half to avoid “viewer fatigue”.
- But NBC doesn’t worry about “viewer fatigue” when they show “The Biggest Loser” year after year!
- To guarantee Americans will watch, NBC has hired Lady Gaga to represent American Royalty and co-host the event with Brian Williams.
- I thought we proved we were tired of the British in 1776!
- To make it more enticing to American Viewers, NBC is going to call their coverage, “A Very Special Edition of The Bachelor”.
Not only did Charlie lose a Goddess, but he experienced another embarrassing moment when he dropped by for an impromptu visit to comedian Drew Carey’s Improv show. Cast members said he smelled so bad, it was all they could do to keep from holding their noses and backed away from him. One guy said he smelled like smoke and old sweat, and appeared not to have showered in days. When Charlie asked, “What? Do I smell or something”, Drew answered, “Well yes actually, you do”. 
- And so now we know why he got dumped by the Goddess! 
