"I'd Like To Buy The World a Toke..."

Clay Butler of California is developing a line of soda pop infused with THC, the active ingredient in Marijuana. Flavors will include…

Orange, grape, lemon-lime, “Canna Cola,” and a Dr. Pepper-like drink called “Doc Weed”.  Butler says he doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, but he believes that “adults have an inalienable right to think, eat, smoke, drink, ingest, decorate, and dress anyway they choose to do so.”  His cannabis sodas will come in 12 ounce bottles and sell for $12 to $15 each. 

- Isn’t that price a little HIGH?

- He’s also branching out into marijuana-laced foods… wait ‘til you try his Chicken Pot Pie! 

- Lindsay Lohan is already trying to find rolling papers big enough to fit around the bottle. 

- I guess you have to use a pair of plyers as a roach clip.

- One sip of the “Doc Weed” flavor and you’ll be singing, “I’m like totally a pepper; dude, you’re a pepper; wouldn’t it be way awesome if you were a pepper, like, too?”

Facebook Makes Women "Twitter" Sooner!

A poll of women by Shape and Men’s Health magazines found that social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are making women jump into bed with men faster!  

Nearly 40% said that while they used to have rules like, “no sex before the third date”, they’re now rushing into it quicker, because they’ve spent so much time chatting with and texting the man, they think they know him before they actually meet in person.  Meanwhile a psychologist agrees, adding that texting is helpful for men whose goal is sex. 

- In other words, texting is helpful for all men… with the possible exception of Kwame Kilpatrick.  

- I’m sure fathers everywhere are thrilled to hear that their daughters have dropped their strict moral code of “no sex before the third date”. 

- Nowadays, after a “romantic interlude”, women text their partners, “What r u thinking about?” even though he’s lying right next to her.  

Lining Up To Get Drilled

Dr. Catherine Klarkowski, an attractive blonde dentist who runs the “Relax and Smile” clinic in Munich, Germany, has found a new form of dental anesthetic… Cleavage. 

After reading that romantic love makes people feel less pain, she put herself and her 10 female staffers into traditional Alpine Dirndl dresses with tight, low-cut bodices that work like a push-up bra.  She said that the sight of all that cleavage gets patients “narcotized” and distracts them from their pain.  Plus “some patients’ mouths are wide open as soon as they enter the office, and that’s just what a dentist wants!”

- One patient stared at the hygentist’s cleavage so hard his eye teeth fell out. 

- They’ve nicknamed the low cut bodice the “Over-the-Shoulder-Molar-Holder”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow! And remember… it’s just eleven months to Christmas!

- Dick  

It's About Time!!!

The Tigers are finally retiring Sparky Anderson’s Number 11.  Nice gesture… Too bad they didn’t do it while Sparky was alive! 

The Not-So-Great Chicago Fire

The Superbowl is set.  The Packers will take on the Steelers in the big game.  But some Bear’s fans, who lost yesterdays play-off to the Packers are taking out their frustration on their own Quarterback, Jay Cutler.  Cutler had to leave the game with an injured knee, and scores of fans were so angry at him for not toughing it out, they burned their Cutler jerseys in the parking lot.

- Police believe alcohol may have played a part so basically they blamed it on “Da Beers”!

- I’m not proud, but I did something similar at one of my daughters pee-wee soccer games years ago.  When the 7-year-old goalie dropped out because of a “tummy ache” I threw all the orange slices and juice boxes at her parents. 

I Prefer Polar Bear Myself!

Some Packers fans at a sports lounge in St. Paul, Minnesota, literally roasted the Bears, by well… roasting a bear.  The owner’s cousin shot a 180-pound black bear during hunting season and froze it, and the owner cooked it in a pig roaster and planned to serve it up after the game. But health officials nixed their plans because the meat was unprocessed.  Instead they let patrons take pictures of themselves with the bear as it roasted, then served it as his cousin’s post-game party.

- So the Packers fans had roasted bear, while Bear’s fans dined on a nice portion of crow.

- Drink enough beer and roasted bear tastes pretty much like chicken.

"How Cold Is It? It's So Cold..."

An arctic blast from Canada has brought freakishly cold temps to the upper Midwest and Northeast.  Over the weekend, the “Icebox of the Nation,” International Falls, Minnesota, got down to 46 degrees below zero, tying the lowest temperature since they started keeping records back in 1897.  But they had nothing on Caribou, Maine, which reached 50 below.  An online poll asked if they planned to stay in out of the cold today, and 61% said no.

- One resident said, “50 below is cold… but it’s a dry cold.”

- Blame Canada!

- They should have wrapped themselves in the bear skin left over from the roast in Minnesota! 

"Where's the Beef?"

A law firm in Alabama has filed a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell, claiming that the food chain is engaging in false advertising by saying that its tacos are filled with beef.  They say it’s actually “taco meat filling” containing only 36% beef, and the rest is “extenders” such as water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, corn starch and “Isolate Oat Product”.  They say the USDA defines beef as “flesh of cattle,” and want Taco Bell to start using the term “taco meat filling”. 

- This could shake up the whole meat industry… I can just hear it now, “Flesh of Cattle… It’s What’s For Dinner!”

- Do they really think drunk frat boys who go to the Taco Bell drive-thru at 2a.m. care what they call it? 

- “Isolate Oat Product” has always been one of my favorites.  

- Why not just stick with the bean burrito… it’s the cheapest gas in town!

What Ever Happened To "My Grandma Died"?

A poll by a health care company found that women are more likely than men to take sick days and are more willing to give a bizarre excuse.  56% of women admitted calling in sick when they weren’t, compared to only a third of men.  The excuses women gave included:  My dog fell and broke all its legs; I was away all weekend and my cat really missed me and I need to spend the day with him; I’m locked in my house; I forgot I worked there; and I can’t find my shoes.

- The bosses didn’t fall for the “I can’t find my shoes” excuse because being a woman she probably has about 50 more pair in her closet.

- The shoe excuse did work for the men, since most men only have one pair of shoes. 

- If she forgot she worked there, how did she know who to call and say she wouldn’t be in?

BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE! JUST CLICK ON “PAGE 2” BELOW

"The Most Unemployed Person In The World!!!"

Keith Olbermann’s Progressive fans were shocked when he announced last Friday that it would be his last show on MSNBC.  They quickly began spinning rumors on the Internet, but apparently, the truth is that Keith quit after a contentious, yearlong contract negotiation hampered by his demand for an increase in his $7 million yearly salary and ticking off too many co-workers. 

- But he seemed like such a nice guy!

- Rush Limbaugh immediately proclaimed:  “Mission Accomplished!”

- He was going to take a spin on “Dancing With The Stars” but it turns out he’s got two left feet!

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"Hello, my name is Dick and I'm a Googler"

One of the greatest things about not having to get up so early in the morning anymore is that I can stay up late and watch movies.  I love ‘em. Always have. But it occurred to me last night as I was watching one of my favorite films, that I wasn’t actually watching it.  

Let me explain. As soon as I flip on the TV, I’ve developed the habit of putting my laptop on my… well, my lap! Anyway before the opening credits are done rolling, I find myself “Googling” the movie, one of it’s actors, whatever.  

Case in point:  Last night I turned the TV on and caught the last two-thirds of the original Pink Panther starring Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau and David Niven as the jewel theif, Sir Charles Lytton.  Within two minutes I was entering “Pink Panther” to get some background.  

I learned that the movie had been written as a vehicle for David Niven… but when the director, Blake Edwards (the late husband of Julie Andrews), saw how funny Peter Sellers was, he switched gears and added a lot more scenes featuring Sellers.  

As the movie continued to play, I googled “Peter Sellers” and found out that he was incredibly angry when he didn’t win an Academy Award for his three roles (The President, a British Air Force Officer, and a Nazi scientist) in “Dr. Strangelove”.  

Back on the TV, there was a scene playing featuring David Niven.  I remembered something about his first wife dying tragically, so I went back to the laptop and headed over to Wikipedia.  It was all there.  “After a whirlwind two-week romance in 1940, Niven married Primula Susan Rollo, the aristocratic daughter of a British lawyer. The couple had two sons, David Jr. and Jamie. Primula, whom he called Primmie, died at age 28, only six weeks after moving to the U.S., of a fractured skull and brain lacerations from an accidental fall in the home of actor Tyrone Power. While playing a home-party version of “hide and seek”, she walked through a door believing it led to a closet, instead, it led to a stone staircase to the basement.”  

Clicking over to IMDB.com (the Internet Movie Database) I learned that Niven was so devastated by his wife’s death, that he attempted suicide and was helped through the period by his good friend Clark Gable, who had lost his wife Carole Lombard in a plane crash.  (She’d been on a tour of the U.S. promoting the sale of War Bonds during WWII).

Some of the movies I’ve “watched” and then Googled the stars names are:

- Meryl Streep, Russell Crowe, Robert Mitchum, Angelina Jolie, Jimmy Stewart, Burt Lancaster, Bette Davis, George Clooney, Steve Martin (never saw his version of the Pink Panther), Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Daniel Craig, Laurel & Hardy, and that great actor from Beverly Hills Cop III, Dick Purtan.  (My non-award winning 11-second voice-over role).  And the list goes on… 

We’ve come a long way since “The World Book Encyclopedia”, card catalogs, and the Dewey Decimal System. We can now find out about just about anything, or anyone, in an instant.  Which is pretty amazing!  

I will admit, however, that using the computer and the Internet while watching a movie can take away from certain little things, like say… the plot! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you right back here Monday morning!

-Dick

And Then They Had Almond Boneless Chicken...

In a joint press conference yesterday, President Obama pressed Chinese President Hu Jintao to even the balance of trade between the U. S. and China by telling him, “We want to sell you all kinds of stuff”.

- Most of that “stuff” has stickers on the bottom reading “Made in China”.

- He also tried to sell him on “Obamacare”… but the Chinese President didn’t like it any better than the new Congress. 

"It's A Small World... NOT!"

Walt Disney World has announced plans to update and double the size of “Fantasyland”, which will include a new place to interact with Disney Princesses. 

- Lindsay Lohan was a Disney Princess and you couldn’t pay me enough to “interact” with her.

- For 50 Disney Dollars you’ll be able to get a lap-dance from Cinderella!

- Snow White is said to be thrilled… she can finally dump the dwarves and find a guy tall enough to let her wear high heels again!

- Originally they were going to double the size of Epcot, until they realized there were no new countries to add. 

36 Is The New... EVERYTHING!

Forget tummy tucks… according to experts, the latest trend in plastic surgery is the “year zero face”.  Instead of trying to look younger, women are getting their faces professionally “done”, then frozen!  Younger women get plumped and sculptured while older women get polished and tightened, and they all get regular touch ups, injections and Botox to keep them looking the same forever.  That way nobody ever notices them aging because they look about 36 from age 23 on.

- Maybe it’s just me, but I think Betty White looks closer to 40.

- Show me a 23 year old female who wants to look 36 and I’ll show you an 18 year old male who’s dying to get Erectile Dysfunction!

- When Joan Rivers heard the news, she didn’t flinch… because she can’t!

- There isn’t enough Botox on the planet to make this work on Helen Thomas. 

Behind Every Great Man... Is A Noxious Cloud

Marc Higgins of Bristol, Connecticut, is facing charges of fatally stabbing one man and injuring three others during an altercation that began with his flatulence.  Witnesses say Higgins got very drunk on beer at a party and was flatulent “throughout the evening” causing one woman to become so angry, she slapped him.  Higgins stormed off but returned with four knives and stabbed two people.

- Hadn’t they suffered enough already?

 - If this had happened at the symphony, it would have been considered “Classical Gas”.

- His lawyer is going with the “He Who Smelt It, Dealt It” defense. 

Nobody Nose Where Dad Went!

Five people aged 18 to 19 were arrested in Florida in connection with a string of home robberies.  They admitted that while robbing one home, they found what they thought was cocaine and snorted it.  It was actually the powdered, cremated ashes of the homeowner’s father and her two Great Danes.

- Cops said as soon as they were in the interrogation room, the suspects just “rolled over”.

- Prosecutors are gonna drag the five suspects to jail… on their butts  across the carpet.

- The cops knew the five guys were guilty of snorting the father’s ashes because they kept yelling, “Hey you kids… get off my lawn!”

BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE OF TODAY’S NEWS ON PAGE 2!  JUST CLICK BELOW!

The University of Wasted Money?

As high as tuition is, what are students getting out of college?  Not much according to a University of Missouri study of over 2300 undergrads.  They found that during the first two years, students tend to go to big, auditorium-like classes, that require little work and cover things they already studied in high school. 

- My personal story is a little bit different.  My first year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  My second year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  My third year in college consisted mainly of looking at girls.  And in my fourth year… I married one of ‘em! 

We Walked Up Hill Both Ways And We Liked It!

The unusual cold wave that recently hit much of America has prompted schools to set policies on how cold it must be before students aren’t allowed to go outside for recess.  Those temperatures range from 40 degrees in North Carolina to 15 below in International Falls, Minnesota.

- In the Buffalo where I went to school, the cold didn’t matter… they only called “snow days” if the drifts were higher than 30 feet!!!  

Have a great day and I’ll you back here tomorrow for my “Friday Blog”!

- Dick

"Knock, Knock"... "Hu's There!"

Tonight, the Obamas will host a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao.  Symbolism and protocol are so important to the Chinese, they’ve been trying for 5 years to get the invite.  China is even running a commercial on the Jumbotron in Times Square to boost its image among Americans.  The White House has been tight lipped about details of the event.

- This will be the first “All You Can Eat Buffet” State Dinner in White House history.

- Diners will have two entrees to choose from on Column A and Column B.

- Sasha and Malia will provide the entertainment… they’ll play “Chopsticks” on the piano.

- The only easy decision was to serve dinner on the good china instead of paper plates.   

- In honor of the occasion, Keith Olbermann will refer to his network as MSG-BC.

Read This Story, And An Hour Later You're Gonna Want To Read It Again!

After two weeks in business, the Modern Toilet Restaurant in China has surprised critics by becoming a hit – especially with college students. The toilet theme includes urinals as wall decorations, dining chairs converted from toilets, and toilet-tailored menu options, including the “Toilet Bowl Hot Pot”.

- One patron said the food was “fit for a king”… which it should be since your sitting on a throne when you’re eating it.

- To stay up with health codes, there are signs posted in the kitchen saying, “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Going To The Restroom”.

- Finally!  A restaurant where you can sit by yourself reading the paper without everyone thinking you’re a loser.

- And to think naysayers said the owner was “flushing his money down the toilet”.