"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Well last night was the big night… For those of you who didn’t catch Big Al on “Detroit 1-8-7” – he was great.  All four lines and 6 seconds of him.  And the best part of all… (SPOILER ALERT:  If you DVR’ed the show and haven’t watched it yet don’t read the next sentence.)  Big Al was NOT the killer.  Nor did he get killed.  Small part.  Great performance.  (But Al’s always been used to small parts).   

I talked to Big Al this morning, (he actually took my call!) and although he hasn’t been offered any other roles yet, he has been contacted by a local Polish Wedding Band who wants to hire him as a sub for when their regular leader has to bow out from eating too many perogis.

Of course there was other big news on the tube…

Michael Bolton got booted from DWTS last night after receiving the lowest score of any celebrity in the show’s history:  12 out of a possible 30.  He began his dance by crawling out of a doghouse. 

The doghouse was actually loaned to the show by Tiger Wood’s ex-wife Elin Nordegrin. 

Michael should release a new song, “When a Man Loves a Woman… He Really Should Learn How To Dance”. 

More Fun Than The Three-Legged Race! 

Sunday, in Sydney, Australia, a four women team won 10 grand and broke the world record for running the fastest relay race in stiletto heals.  Guinness confirmed that “The Pinkettes” ran the 263-foot course in one minute, 4 seconds while wearing three-inch heels.  The event drew about 100 competitors, including some men.

The male team consisting of Elton John, Adam Lambert and George Michael would have won, but George fell asleep halfway through the race. 

The only time I’ve ever seen a woman run that fast in high heels is when a “Half-Off” everything sale is announced over the loudspeaker at DSW.

Draft Dodgers

There’s a new version of the “Snuggi” that’s selling like hotcakes in England.  It’s an all in one fleece body suit with elastic at the wrist and ankles.  It’s marketed as being “more stylish than a tracksuit and more comfortable than a bathrobe.” Its creator is astonished at how well it’s selling.

Well, the Queen gets cold in those drafty old castles.

Prince Charles ordered two to keep the family jewels warm! 

Genesis… That’s the Book About Phil Collins, Right?   

A pew quiz of Americans found that religious people know less about religion than atheists do.  For instance, 45% of Catholics didn’t know that the church teaches that Communion wine and wafers actually become the flesh and blood of Christ and are not just a symbol.  And over half of Protestants couldn’t identify Martin Luther as the leader of the Protestant Reformation. 

Almost everyone surveyed thought Martin Luther is the real name of rapper L.L. Cool J.

Most surprising was the fact that 37% of Americans thought Jesus had only 4 disciples:  John, Paul, George and Ringo.

If Your Election Lasts For More Than Four Hours…

The Republican’s strongest campaign issue this November is that if Democrats retain control of Congress, unpopular liberal Nancy Pelosi will remain Speaker.  She’s become so toxic that even some Democrats are promising voters that if elected, they’ll oppose her reelection. 

Pelosi showed no emotion when she heard the news.  Then again, she’s had so much work done, she CAN’T show ANY emotion.

Meanwhile, the Speaker is forging ahead… promoting a “Bo-Tox and Spend” agenda. 

History Repeats Itself 

Monday in Miami, historians reenacted the trial of mobster Al Capone that took place there 80 years ago.  Actors playing the District Attorney and Capone himself quoted the exact words spoken back in 1930.  And guess what?  The mock jury acquitted Capone just like the real one did. 

It probably didn’t help that they used former O.J. Simpson jurors and had Judge Ito play the Judge.

It wasn’t the sharpest mock jury… when polled, they all said they thought the idea of  “Double Jeopardy” was invented by Alex Trebek. 

Of course the real Al Capone eventually ended up in prison on tax fraud charges.  If only he’d called Sam Bernstein’s Great, Great Grandfather! 

Today’s Almanac…

On this day in 1990, “Millie’s Book”, ghostwritten by then First Lady Barbara Bush became the first book by a dog ever to hit the bestseller list. 

Unless you count Rosie O’Donnell’s memoir.

You’d have thought Snoopy would have been first… he spent enough time with his typewriter.

Have a great second-to-last-day of September and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

FINALLY! BIG AL ON "DETROIT 1-8-7" TONIGHT! 10 P.M. ON ABC!

Hi, Big Al here, “star” of the new ABC police drama “Detroit 1-8-7”.  I make my network television debut tonight at 10 p.m. on Channel 7 as…POLKA BAND LEADER!  (Set your DVR and don’t blink)  Many thanks to my Detroit media colleagues for the extensive coverage about my “break out” performance.  (See links below for all the buzz in the local media)  Over the last two days I’ve actually made bigger headlines than Lindsay Lohan!  Speaking of “big”, I promise that my new career won’t make me “big headed”, but after you see the size of my head in the picture that ran in the Freep article, you might think twice.  And I thought TV added ten lbs. on a person!  I also want you to know that I finally launched my own Facebook Fan Page to keep you up to date on my burgeoning career.  (I actually used the word “burgeoning” on my own; I didn’t have to use a thesaurus)  Just go onto Facebook and type in “Big Al Muskavito”.  

Finally, the overwhelming coverage of my appearance on “Detroit 1-8-7” brings to mind the famous Winston Churchill wartime quote, when he said: “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”.  However, in the case of my role on tonight’s “1-8-7” allow me to paraphrase Mr. Churchill by saying:  “Never has so much been made over something so little”.  THANKS EVERYONE!  

P.S. Don’t miss the messages below the links for some very important community causes…

CHECK OUT THESE LINKS:

Dick Purtan’s (Big) Al does ‘Detroit 1-8-7’  (By the Free Press’ B.J. Hammerstein)

Big Al in Detroit News  (By Susan Whitall)  *You’ll need to scroll down a bit once you get to the linked page)

Big Al on Frank Beckman Show WJR  (Give it several seconds to load)

Big Al in Detroit 1-8-7 Commercial  (Click on the video clip entitled: “The Best Network Cop Show”

IMPORTANT REMINDERS!

HURRY!!!…With your vote the Salvation Army could receive a $250,000 GRANT from Pepsi to feed and shelter Detroit’s needy! No donation needed, VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT BUT ONLY THROUGH THIS THURSDAY!  at http://www.refresheverything.com/salmich.

Thursday, October 14^th, I’ll be providing a “little” entertainment at a “BIG” gala and Joanne Purtan is the  Mistress of Ceremonies!  It’s all in support of the “Information Center” in Taylor, an incredible non profit organization that helps job seekers, seniors, the disabled, caregivers, and a whole lot more.  For more info and tickets call 734-282-7171.  (By the way…Our very own Rebekah Rhodes will be there.  She handles the “Centers” publicity.  And another WOMC Alum, Ron T., will be in the crowd, too!)

THANKS AGAIN AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!…”BIG AL”

This Weekend's Big Radio Reunion Recap!

Saturday night was the 4th and allegedly last Motor City Radio Reunion.  The event, staged by Art Vuolo, Murray Gula, and Jo-Jo Shutty-MacGregor was a complete sell-out.  The ballroom at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Novi was packed with familiar faces (and voices) from the hallowed studio walls of Detroit radio days gone by.  

Over the course of the night, five Detroit broadcasters were honored - Sonny Eliot, Robin Seymour, Specs Howard, Ernie Harwell and myself.  WWJ, the first radio station in the country, received an award on this, it’s 90th year on the air.  

Now for a few of the intimate details…

I not only was honored to be “honored” if you will, but I served as the Master of Ceremonies for the evening.  At our family table, which included my wife Gail, and my daughters Jennifer, Jackie and JoAnne, we ended up with a few extra seats.  (Apparently my other three daughters whom I won’t name (Jill, Jessica and Julie) didn’t want to shell out the money.  

The recently retired Sonny was in rare form… and his comments at the table were worth the price of admission.  Especially when he started heckling the comic, Kevin McPeak.  While Kevin was trying to do his act, Sonny repeatedly shouted out comments, and McPeak retorted with some great lines.  At one point, Kevin said, “I’ve never been heckled by a ninety year old man with brown hair before.”  

In fact, one of my lines from the podium was, “There’s more dye in this room than at a hair-dressers convention.”  

Here’s a sampling of some of my comments as Emcee as the evening rolled along…

- We weren’t going to have the reunion this year, but we didn’t realize so many people were still alive. 
 
- The committee wanted the event to be held between 4 and 6pm to get the early bird discount, but the under 50 crowd voted against it.  But really… is there anyone here under 50?  

- Every attendee tonight gets a special door prize — a plastic case to hold your pills in,  labeled Saturday through Sunday. 

- I am priviledged to announce that Mayor Dave Bing has announced a controversial plan to tear down most of Detroit and replace it with a giant Mosque.   

- I apologize for the late start tonght…  but someone set off the botox detector. 

- Art Cervi, our own “Bozo the Clown” is here and I’m revealing a little known secret:  Due to problems with his Bozo costume, he occasionally had to borrow Bill Bond’s red nose. 
 
- Speaking about Bozo…  A new book is out about Larry Harmon, the original Bozo, and the man who franchised over 300 Bozo’s around the country -including ours.  The book claims that Bozo had woman after woman coming out of a really small car.  So forget the shoes, apparently our Bozo has some really big pants to fill.  But Art never fooled around with women… instead of taking a cold shower to simmer down, Art just used to spray water on himself from that little flower he wore on the collar of his Bozo suit.  

- Randall Carlisle, “lady killer” former CKLW newsman and current TV anchorman out west has been on so many blind dates he should get a free dog.” 

- Russ Gibb is here, the man who started the infamous world-wide rumor that if you played a certain Beatles’ cut backward, you heard the words, “Paul is Dead”.  To show you how pathetic things have become these days, if you play a certain CD backwards now, it says, “Danny Bonaduce is Dead”.  

- Jimmy Launce formerly of WJR is here… famous for his signature radio game, “Guess What I’m Holding In My Hand?” - an idea he borrowed from Pee Wee Herman.  

- Tom Ryan joins us tonight.  His wife Joan needed a kidney transplant eight or nine years ago and after testing everyone in her family it turned out that Tom was a perfect match. Joan’s doing great but three years ago Tom had both knees replaced.  And that was from kneeling down, begging the doctor not to tell Joan that he was the perfect donor.   

- Sonny Eliot has a similar story.  A few years back he got a kidney transplant from a bedwetter.” 

There were many more lines that I used in my 45 minutes on stage, but I don’t want to bore you, and besides, I need all the material I can get for my book!  

Check back later today for photos from the big event!

- Dick

It's a Motor City Radio Reunion Weekend!

This is a big weekend for me… I’m going to be the Master of Ceremonies at the Motor City Radio Reunion Saturday night.  Between 300 and 400 people will be in attendance, both local and from around the country, all of whom worked on Detroit Radio at one time or another over the years. Exactly who will be there?  Here’s just a sample…

From the legendary Keener 13:

Robin Seymore

Paul Cannon 

Gary Stevens

Bob Green

Russ Gibb (the man who started the infamous “Paul is Dead” rumor!)

Jerry Goodwin

From WXYZ Radio…

Lee Alan

Joey Reynolds

Tom Ryan 

From CKLW - The Big 8! 

Gary Burbank 

Randall Carlisle

Big Jim Edwards

Keith Radford

Pat Holiday

Bill Gable 

Charlie O’Brien

From WJR…

Jimmy Launce

From Sirius XM…

Pat St. John and Phlash Phelps

And oh, yes, they’ll be a special appearance by Art Cervi, aka Bozo T. Clown, who will make inappropriate balloon animals for the crowd.  

Five retired broadcasters will be honored during the evening:  Sonny Eliot, Specs Howard, Robin Seymore, Yours Truly, and the late Ernie Harwell. Ernie, plus other Detroit broadcasters who have passed on will be commemorated as well.  

I received this letter on Thursday and will read it to kick off the event: 

“Best wishes and welcome to all participants in the 2010 Motor City Broadcast Reunion.  The history of radio in our country could not have been fully recorded without the outstanding contributions of the men and women who advanced this crucial medium in metro-Detroit over the past 90 years.  I send all of you my best wishes for a happy and rewarding evening, and extend my congratulations on Detroit’s key role in establishing and energizing our national communications industry.

Wishing I could be there with you…”

Kwame Kilpatrick 

Federal Convict 379674 Cell 218 - Lower Bunk

Have a great weekend!  On Monday’s blog, I’ll have highlights from the event!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

First Full Day of Autumn…

This is a story as reported word for word by the Associated Press: 

Headline:  Man’s Schnitzel is Too Big

Size matters - Gerhard Kaltscheuer owns a working class restaurant in Hammerbruecke, Germany, where he sells about 70 schnitzels, or veal cutlets, a day.  But the tax office say that based on the amount of ingredients he buys, he must be selling 200 a day and should be paying more taxes.  Kaltscheuer says it’s none of the governments business if his schnitzel happens to be extra large, and his customers like it that way.  He said if his schnitzel were smaller, than nobody would want it.  Supporters held a rally yesterday in defense of Kaltscheuer’s big schnitzel.  

(No Comment)

If you have a comment on this story… just click on the Facebook icon to the left and post it there!  

Parting of the Red Sea Possible

The U.S. National Center for Atmospheric Research proved that Moses’ parting of the Red Sea as depicted in the Bible could have really happened. Using computer simulations, there is one point in the Red Sea where a strong east wind, blowing all night long, could have pushed back the water enough to have exposed a land bridge.  They say this jibes with the account in Exodus of how a mighty east wind parted the sea for the Israelites to escape.  

One time I was at a cocktail party with Charlton Heston, and when he got up to get himself a drink at the bar, he asked me what I wanted.  So Moses got me a beer!  Too bad I didn’t ask him then how he parted the sea!

Scientists Discover Homer Simpson Gene

They need some grant “D’oh!”  Scientists at Emory University have discovered a, “stupid gene”.  The gene appears to block connections in the brain.  When they deleted the gene in lab mice the mice became more intelligent.  They had better memories and were able to get through a maze faster.  The researchers dubbed it, “The Homer Simpson Gene”.  They said their dream is to find a way to switch the gene off and improve brain power.  

“The Homer Simpson Gene”?  How about “The David Hasselhoff Gene”?  Or “The Kwame Kilpatrick Gene”?  Or “The Monica Conyers Gene”?  Or “The Paris Hilton Gene”?  

If you have a suggestion for a name for the gene, post in on our Facebook page!

Look Who’s Sleeping in My Bed!

The Hyatt Rosemont Hotel, near O’Hare Airport in Chicago, is hosting a bedbug convention, for entomologists and exterminators to share samples of bed bugs and ideas on how to stop them.  

The other guests were thrilled to hear they were there at the same time as the bedbug convention.  

Ironically the dining room of the hotel was booked for a Cockroach Convention at the same time.  

Today’s Almanac…

On this day in 1939 a time capsule was buried at the NY World’s Fair.  It contained a woman’s hat and other objects.  It was to opened in the year 6939.  

I can’t wait until it’s opened to find out what else is in there.  

Geraldo Rivera’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson will be there broadcasting live when they open it.  

Have a great first full day of Fall and we’ll see you back tomorrow!

- Dick  

The Last Day of Summer...

What a summer!  Great if you like hot weather and have air conditioning; otherwise, not so good.  My favorite part is the gentle summer evenings taking a car ride with the windows down and feeling that warm summer breeze while listening to my favorite Lady Gaga tune!  And when you’re feeling a little amorous, I especially recommend “Bad Romance”.   

 “I want your ugly, I want your disease

   I want your everything as long as it’s free…” 

If that doesn’t put you in the mood, I don’t know what will! 

Speaking of Lady Gaga…

Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid tried to get the “don’t ask, don’t tell” ban on openly gay military members overturned by attaching it to a giant defense appropriations bill that would normally have passed easily.  But even after Lady Gaga appeared at a gay pride rally in a men’s suit to mock Senators who would oppose it, the bill was voted down 56 to 43.

Meanwhile Elton John showed up at another rally wearing a pair of Lady Gaga’s pumps with a sign reading, “Come on, ask!  I’ll tell!”

The Hoff is Off! 

Last night, David Hasselhoff became the first celebrity contestant to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after just one disastrous cha-cha.  “The Hoff” said he was proud that his daughters got to see him make it even that far, and “It’s been a great ride”. 

Still, he was disappointed.  For the freestyle dance, he’d planned on writhing around on the floor trying to eat a cheeseburger while his partner danced around him with a camcorder. 

Admittedly, the dance wasn’t great.  But if you watch it in slow motion and squint your eyes, it’s almost like watching him in the opening of Baywatch! 

Even Kate Goselin said, “To be honest, I thought he was a little bit stiff”. 

Put This On Your Bucket List…

KFC is trying to get the attention of its young male target demo by paying female college students $500 to hand out coupons for it’s new “Double Down” Sandwich – which uses two fried chicken breasts for buns.  The co-eds will also wear tight sweatpants with “Double Down” emblazoned on their derrieres.  The president of NOW calls the move “obnoxious”.

Hey… at least they’re not wearing tops reading “Try our Biscuits” across their breasts!

The college men refer to these girls as “Kentucky Fried Chicks”.

Gentlemen… Start Your Pedals! 

Listen up Ford, GM and Chrysler:  The Learning Resource Network says that “Generation Y” doesn’t share previous generations’ love for cars.  Drivers age 21 to 30 now account for only 14% of all miles driven, down from 21% in 1995.  Why?  They would rather spend their money on computers, games, iPods and share rides or take mass transit.  Worst of all, many young people now see cars as a source of pollution, not as a status symbol or sex appeal enhancer. 

Why can’t it be all three?!

I can just hear it now, “He’s smart, handsome… and he has a Schwinn!”

Question:  Does the People Mover actually qualify as “mass transit”?

Hollywood has responded by announcing that in the next James Bond movie, he’ll trade in his souped up sports car for a pair of roller skates.

Here’s an idea:  Just introduce a vehicle called the iCar and they’ll wait in line all night just to buy one.

BTW…

In case you missed yesterdays Facebook and Webpage postings, we gave you the “heads up” that Big Al WAS NOT going to be on last night’s premiere episode of ABC’s “Detroit 1-8-7”.  Al thought he was going to be on it until late Monday night.  How did he find out?  He went to the TV Guide Channel listings, read the plot outline for the show and realized it wasn’t his episode!!!

Someone’s Going to Chuck E. Cheese!

And it’s a big day for Birthday’s today… Debby “You Light Up My Life” Boone is 54… And the light of my daughter Jackie’s life, her son Charlie turns the big 9 today! 

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here, on the first day of fall, tomorrow!

- Dick 

Big Al is ready for his close up. "And the Emmy Goes To..."

Well tonight’s the night “Detroit 1-8-7” makes its network debut on ABC at 10pm.  The program focuses on the work of a Detroit Homicide Unit and is the first network TV show to be fully produced right here in the Motor City.  The show stars Michael Imperioli (Christopher on the Sopranos)  and James McDaniel (from NYPD Blue) and yes, Detroit’s own…Big Al Muskavito.  (A legend in his own mind).

Now, due to a miscommunication (Al swears it wasn’t his fault), Big Al will actually be in NEXT WEEK’S episode, not tonight’s debut show as previously reported.  Tonight “Detroit 1-8-7” will feature the series’ pilot.  Mr. Muskavito will make HIS network dramatic debut NEXT WEEK, Tuesday, September 28th at 10:00 P.M. on ABC.  Sorry for any inconvenience. 

However, because of Big Al’s mediocre, uh, excuse me, meteoric rise to fame, it’s very difficult to pin the big guy down for a one-on-one interview.  Well, today is our lucky day.  Yes, I had the rare opportunity to sit down with Al (After I promised him a free lunch) and here are some excerpts from that conversation.

DICK

I guess it’s safe to assume that you’re pretty excited about your role in “Detroit 1-8-7”?

BIG AL

You got that right, uh, I’m sorry.  I forgot your name. 

DICK

Dick.  Dick Purtan.  We used to work together on the radio.

BIG AL

The radio?

DICK

Yes.  Remember… “Dick Purtan and Purtan’s People”?  You were one of my people.

BIG AL

Vaguely.  Now speaking of that (YELLING) Could one of MY people please get me a decaf venti cap with half & half and triple sweet and low?  Like, NOW!

DICK

In your episode, you play a Polish Band Leader at a wedding…

BIG AL

Yes. 

DICK

How did you prepare for the role? 

BIG AL

How did Charlton Heston prepare to play Moses?  How did Marlon Brando become “The Godfather”?  (PENSIVE PAUSE)  Like many of my fellow Lesbians, I’m a method actor.

DICK

I think you mean “Thespians”.

BIG AL

Whatever.  The point is… I do what all great actors do – in this case let’s use me as an example –

DICK

You consider yourself a “great actor”?

BIG AL

As I was saying, what we do is reach deep; deep down into our own well of emotional experiences and bring those thoughts and feelings to the role.  It’s a painful process – agonizing at times – but you owe it to the audience. 

DICK

But you only have five lines. 

BIG AL

(PAUSE)  While it is true that I have a small part… um, uh, let me rephrase that:  While my role in next week’s episode may not be a major one, it is still crucial to the plot. 

DICK

Will you be watching next week?  I know a lot of actors get too nervous to watch themselves perform.  

BIG AL

I have a mirror over my bed. I’ve been watching myself perform for years. 

DICK

Okay.

BIG AL

As for all the buzz about an Emmy nomination…

DICK

I haven’t heard anything about that. 

BIG AL

I guess you have to be in the industry.  The point is, I don’t want people jumping the gun.  I think my work next week will speak for itself.  Much like the burrito I had earlier.   It’s been talking back to me during this entire interview.  (YELLING)  Could someone get me a Pepto with a Perrier chaser? 

DICK

Well, I wish you well next week. 

BIG AL

Thank you, Rick.

DICK

Dick.

BIG AL

Right. 

DICK

Before we go… there’s a show on Bravo called “Inside the Actors Studio”.  The host, James Lipton, always finishes his interview by asking the famous actors a series of one-word-answer questions.  Do you mind if I ask you just a few?

BIG AL

I’d be delighted.  But make it quick; I have an appointment to get my eyebrows teased.

DICK

What’s your favorite word?

BIG AL

Food.

DICK

What is your favorite swear word?   

BIG AL

$%@8!*

DICK

Favorite news outlet?

BIG AL

The National Enquirer.

DICK

Favorite author?   

BIG AL

Tough question…I love Dr. Seuss, but the guy who wrote Curious George certainly is a favorite, as well.

DICK

Big Al, I can’t thank you enough for taking time out of your busy press tour to talk to me…And I’ll let you go because I know you’re worried about the paparazzi showing up.

BIG AL

You ordered from the pizzeria?  Forget it, I’ll stay.  I’m starving.

DICK

That’s Big Al Muskavito ladies and gentlemen.  Look for him next Tuesday night, September 28^th at 10:00 P.M. on ABC as he makes his network debut on Detroit 187.  Thanks again, Al.

BIG AL

No, thank you, Nick.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Surprise Stories of the Weekend…

Lindsay Lohan finally admits flunking drug test…

Paris Hilton agrees to plea deal …

And the Michigan State Spartans beat Notre Dame on that great overtime fake field goal.  (Coach Mark Dantonio recovering nicely from mild heart attack suffered after the game). 

All in all, a great weekend!!! (Except for the Lions but hey, we’re used to that!) 

Will This Get Her Broomed From the Party?

Last Friday, Bill Maher released some decade-old cutting room floor video of Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell in an appearance on his show “Politically Incorrect”.  There was a Wiccan on the panel, and O’Donnell, laughing, said she’d known kids in high school who believed in witchcraft.  She also said she’d gone out on a date with one and later realized they had a picnic on his “satanic altar”.  The Democrats are trying to gain political capital from this…

The Republicans immediately took down the pictures of Christine O’Donnell on her campaign posters and replaced them with a picture of Nancy Pelosi. 

A lot of Republicans actually consider the set of Bill Maher’s show to be a satanic altar. 

At this point, she better hope her opponent in the election in Harry Potter. 

Your Stim-u-Less Money At Work! 

The City Controller in Los Angeles audited two public works programs that received $111 million in federal stimulus money to create jobs.  And it did!  A whopping 55 of them.  The original goal was 238 jobs, but auditors say red tape and poor oversight led to the problem.  Bottom line:  Each of the 55 jobs created cost taxpayers $2.2 million dollars. 

And 55 people in California have hailed the program as a complete success!

Who knew it could take $2.2 million dollars to teach a person to say, “You want fries with that?”

Bonnie & The Clod

Last Thursday, a Wisconsin man entered a gas station convenience store around midnight and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register, the would-be robber leaped over the counter, grabbed all the cash he could and fled.  Unfortunately for him, he was only able to grab a few coins.  Police estimate his “take” as less than one dollar.

And they say crime doesn’t pay!

A witness overheard him demanding the dollar, “in unmarked nickels”.

“A Gator-that-Needed-Ade”

Maryellen Mara-Christian of Fitchburg, Mass went alligator hunting with her husband in South Carolina last week and got more than she bargained for.  She hooked a gator that was 13-and-a-half feet long, weighed over a thousand pounds and looked like a dinosaur.  It was so fat, her gun couldn’t kill it, so she severed its spinal cord with a knife.  Animal rights activists are outraged, but she says she’s a proud hunter and plans on stuffing the gator. 

When she heard about plans to stuff the gator, Paris Hilton went ballistic, screaming, “Do you know how many alligator handbags I could have had made out of that thing!”

Ironically, the woman was wearing a pair of Crocs at the time. 

No If’s, And’s or BUTTS! 

A prison inmate in Frackville, Pennsylvania is suing the three Kardashian sisters.  He claims that because the prison TV was tuned to their reality show, “Keeping Up With the Kardasians,” he was forced to watch domestic abuse (Kim taking part in a boxing match), emotional abuse (Kourtney arguing with her boyfriend) and racism (Khloe referring to a baby doll as “the black baby”).  He claims this caused him extreme emotional distress due to their outrageousness of actions.  He is seeking $75,000 in damages. 

Either that, or one of those Kim Kardashian blow up dolls.  Of course if he gets the doll, he’s already agreed to give up his shiv so he doesn’t accidentally puncture her. 

$75,000?  Personally, I think he deserves double that. 

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1818 Patent Leather was manufactured for the first time… 

And girls wearing skirts and patent leather shoes around boys have had to be careful ever since! 

Have a great day and well see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

P.S.  DON’T FORGET BIG AL’S NETWORK TV DEBUT TOMORROW NIGHT (TUESDAY) IN “DETROIT 1-8-7”.  10pm on ABC - Channel 7! (Look for the chubby polka band leader!) 

"The Week That Was..."

Hail to “The Chief”

I went over to Channel 7 Thursday and recorded a video tribute to Jerry Hodak that will be running next week – Jerry’s last week on the air.  In case you miss it… as a recent retiree myself, here’s what I advised Jerry to do: 

1) Begin a vigorous exercise routine to prevent any “stationary front” that he may develop in the belly area. (Although I don’t think Jerry is going to have much of a problem with that.  Besides… he’ll automatically lose the 10 pounds people always claim the TV camera puts on).

2) I’m thinking of starting a “Mall Walking Club” that Jerry could join and walk along with me and Sonny Eliot. Maybe every Tuesday and Thursday morning.  It would not only be a great workout – but a great time to get together and swap prostate stories. 

3) Definitely go on TV and sell furniture like Bill Bonds.  I told him he should get in touch with Art Van, because being the low-key kind of guy Jerry is, he’d be the perfect pitchman for their Lay-Z-Boy collection!  And it’s really the natural next step… Former Channel 4 anchorman Mort Crim does commercials for Magic Windows, and Warren Pierce…well… he advertises for just about everybody.

Brief thoughts…

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints has been forced to give back the Heisman Trophy that he won when he was a running back at USC.  Why?   He accepted perks and favors he was ineligible to receive while in college.

So let me get this straight… Reggie Bush has to give his back, but OJ Simpson got to keep his? 

But the bottom line is this:  Reggie’s Heisman trophy is up for grabs… so I’m thinking of suiting up again in my Junior Varsity Kenmore High School Football Jersey and giving it one more shot!  (At the very least, I think I’m qualified to play for the Lions.)

And Now Some Great News for Men…

A study found that middle-aged men are staying attractive to the ladies for a decade longer than they used to.  Thirty years ago, studies showed that most women wouldn’t look twice at a man over 45!  But thanks to men dressing better and keeping fit, and women waiting longer to marry, women now find men sexy up to… (drum roll please)…  55!!!  One researcher said, “These men are increasingly seen as eligible, perspective partners rather than old bores with little energy left to catch the female eye.”

George Clooney will be thrilled to know he’s got five good years left!

But Wait!  There’s More!

If a man wants to attract a woman, its better to be cool than macho.  New research has found that women have consistently ranked men with low cortisol levels as more attractive.  These men tend to be cool, calm and collected.  (Which, ironically,  brings us full circle back to Jerry Hodak.) Low cortisol is an inherited trait so it’s possible that women instinctively see men who stay calm under stress as being better father material. 

Of course once their married, the women complain, “you never share your feelings with me”. 

On that note, I’m off to act calm and collected.  (I’ve just never been able to get the “cool” part down!) Have a great weekend and we’ll see you right back here Monday!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Hometown Boy Does Bad…

Police in Ferndale are looking for a man who robbed a convenience store Monday while wearing a Darth Vader mask.  But he made what they call a “significant mistake” when he unknowingly stood in front of a store surveillance camera while he put on his Darth Vader Mask.  So now they know what he really looks like. 

I’m just glad he didn’t put his pants on in front of the camera.  That’s one light saber I don’t need to see. 

Police don’t believe he had an accomplice, they say he was working “Han Solo”.

As he fled the bank he was overheard yelling, “May the Police Force Be With You!”

If only he’d disguised himself as Yoda, he would have been too short to be seen on Camera! 

What’s Not To Like?  

The Daily Mail Reports that French First Lady Carla Bruni has co-written a tell-all book, “Carla and the Ambitious”, that’s sure to upset a lot of famous people.  Among them: Michelle Obama.  Bruni says that she once asked Michelle what it was like being America’s First Lady and she allegedly replied, “Don’t ask!  It’s hell!  I can’t stand it!”

She went on to tell Carla that she should include more fruits and vegetables in her diet.

I’d hate being First Lady too if I only got one weeks vacation a month!

I know Mrs. Salahi, the famous White House party crasher, would be happy to take her place!

Lick ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

A medical marijuana dispensary in California is offering customers a healthier alternative to smoking pot.  They’re putting it in ice cream.  Each half-pint laced carton contains the equivalent of eight joints worth of pot.  The ice cream has names like “Banannabis Foster” and “Straw-Mari Cheesecake”.  Despite the $15 price, customers are going crazy for the stuff.

$15 bucks for ice cream?  Isn’t that a little high? 

They call the guy behind the counter the “Really Good Humor, Man”.

The hardest part is getting a roach clip big enough to fit around the carton. 

Cheech and Chong said the pot part is okay, but not the ice cream part.  Their doctor won’t let them eat it because of their high cholesterol problems. 

If that’s not enough to get you high, the ice cream cone is made of hemp. 

He’d Give You the Can Off His Back

A Spanish inventor has spent the last ten years perfecting what he calls “Fabrican” – the world’s first spray on shirt.  The can contains a mixture of cotton fibers and plastic polymers.  Once the spray touches the skin, it immediately dries and turns into a stretchy fabric that can even be washed and worn again.  He envisions that someday, people will spray on not just T-shirts, but pants, hats, swimwear and dresses.

Sports Illustrated will be able to dress an entire Swimsuit issue of models using only one can of the stuff… and still have some left over!  

So 20 years from now the expression will be, “Hey, I just spray on my pants one leg at a time just like everybody else.”

Brittney Spears is said to be thrilled!  It’s a whole new kind of underwear she’s not going to wear!

I’ve got news for this guy… That Mexican news chick that covers the NY Jets already beat him to the punch. 

A Look Ahead to Tomorrows Look Back… Huh?

89 years ago tomorrow, RCA demonstrated the first “LP”, or long-playing record.  

There will now be a slight pause while you explain to your kids what a “record” is.  

And on tomorrow’s date in 1983, Vanessa Williams became the first black Miss America.  Although she was forced to give up her crown when nude photos of her surfaced, she’s one of the few Miss Americas who went on to become a star. 

Of course today you can be photographed naked and still star in Disney’s “High School Musical”!

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

Look Ma!  Clean Hands!

Researchers from a medical center in Salt Lake City have some good news:  more Americans are washing their hands after using the bathroom.  They sent spies into public restrooms and found that while only 77% of people washed up in 2007, that number has now risen to 85%.  As usual, men were dirtier than women: only 7% of ladies failed to wash their hands, while 23 percent of men skipped the soap and water after using the commode. 

NOTE:  The 15% who failed to wash their hands consisted entirely of restaurant employees.  Here’s an idea, why don’t they post a sign in the bathroom reading  “All Employees Must Wash Their Hands Before Returning To Work”.   Oh, wait…

How would like to have that job?  Spending all day observing people’s bathroom habits in public restrooms.  I thought you could get arrested for that. 

I actually knew a guy who did this for a living, but was sent to jail for being a “Peeping Tom”… now his career is “down the drain”… or “all washed up”.  (Take your pick!)

Waiter, I’d Like a Fly in My Soup…

A New York restaurant called the Brooklyn Kitchen is offering diners a rather unusual experience:  a four-course meal consisting entirely of insects.  The owner says patrons are “kind of interested, but also skeeved out.”  The menu includes Mexican-style caterpillars, mealworms and moth larvae, washed down with the Mexican liquor, Mescal.  The price $85 and 20 people have already made reservations.

They offer a discounted price to seniors who eat between 4 and 5 – “The Early Bug” Dinner.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always preferred caterpillars prepared Cajun style.

By the way… if you see a cockroach on the table, that’s not part of the meal.  He just lives there. 

The problem with the moths is they won’t stay on your plate.  They keep flying towards the light. 

It’s home cookin’!  All the insects will be caught in the retaurant’s own kitchen. 

$85 dollars is a great deal… you get the entire meal of insects - from soup to nuts!

It’s Not Just Humid, It’s HOT!

Men’s Health magazine compiled a list of American’s 100 top “hotbeds of sex” and 7 of the 10 cities are in Texas.  Austin was ranked #1 for sexual activity and dubbed the “capital of copulation”.  Dallas was #2, Arlington 7^th and Houston came in 10^th.  Lubbock, Forth Worth and San Antonio also made the top 15. 

So Dallas came in number two, huh?  No wonder George Bush keeps putting that “Mission Accomplished” sign on his front yard. 

Years ago, the “capital of copulation” was a town called Little Rock, Arkansas.

But not everybody in the Lone Star State is canoodling.  After one pharmacy ran out of Viagra, men could be heard yelling, “Houston, we have a problem”. 

Detroit should be on that list.  After all, isn’t that where the former Mayor lived?  And partied?  (allegedly!)

One Half Of Wham! In a Jam!

George Michael has had seven run-ins with the law, most involving marijuana and driving, be he kept getting released or given community service.  But his luck has changed.  In July, George smashed his car through the side of a photography shop on his way home from a gay pride parade.  He was high at the time and now a judge has sentenced him to 8 weeks in prison.

When the verdict was read, George allegedly broke down in tears, yelling, “Only eight weeks?  C’mon!” 

So he’ll be locked up in a tiny room with a toilet and a tattooed stranger… or as George calls it, “a typical Saturday night”.

I think what he really needs is a “Father Figure”.

He has a history of falling asleep at the wheel on his way to meet men at public restrooms.  Now I finally understand the meaning of “Wake Me Up Before You Go! Go!”

I’ll Bet a Huge Party Will Be Throne! 

A big Happy Birthday to England’s Prince Harry who turns 26 today…

I’ll never forget the time we had “The Queen” on the show talking about her grandson’s birthday when she said, “I just can’t believe my little Harry is getting so big!”

Headline of the Day…

 (As reported by the AP)  “Missing Tortoise Found, Didn’t Get Far”. 

 And Finally…

R.I.P. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!  Billie Mae Richards, the voice of Rudolph dies at 88. We’ll miss you and have no doubt that “you’ll go down in history”!

Have a great Wednesday.  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

She’s Waitin’ for You Outback!

Oprah Winfrey is taking her talk show out with a bang.  For the first show of her farewell season, she told the entire audience of 300, “We’re…going…to…Australia!!”  Confetti fell and the studio transformed into a mini-airport.  When John Travolta emerged, Oprah told them he would be their celebrity pilot on the eight-day vacation and that they were all getting a free Smartphone for the trip! 

One audience member broke down in tears.  Not because she was excited but she was so mad that she didn’t get a new car.

Meanwhile, Oprah’s protégé Dr. Oz gave everyone in his audience a free colonoscopy! 

On her very last show, Oprah is going to have Kirstie Alley come on the set, jump up and down on her couch, then put the pieces up on E-Bay.  

ON A RELATED NOTE:  When Larry King retires this fall, he has announced that he will give everyone in his live studio audience a free breast exam… A grateful nation sighed when they remembered Larry doesn’t have a live studio audience!

Into the Mouths of Babes… 

Monday, Michelle Obama addressed the National Restaurant Association to ask them to add more healthy options to their menus to help fight childhood obesity.  She urged them to use creativity to entice kids to eat healthier foods.  IHOP is already making changes by planning a children’s menu in which all items are less than 600 calories and come with fruit as the default side dish.

The kids are calling it the “Rooty Tootsie Fresh and Lousy” pancake breakfast.

McDonalds will now be offering Chicken strips dyed green and shaped like Broccoli Spears.

I’m not holding out much hope for the success of the “Salmon Finger Happy Meal”… 

“We’re Just Not Into You”

A new Gallup poll offers up bad news for both Republican and Democrat incumbents in Congress.   It sees a majority of voters hate virtually everything the current Congress has done, including the bank and auto bailouts, the Obamacare bill and the stimulus bill.  The only thing that has a majority of public support is the financial reform bill.

Of course most people think the “financial reform bill” allows the government to keep printing an unlimited supply of money!

It Seems Everybody’s Downsizing…

Sheyla Hershey, the Houston woman who became famous for having the world’s largest breasts has had her M-cup implants removed.  Turns out the more than 30 surgeries it took to get that big landed her with an infection that caused her to lug around a giant vacuum-like device to suck out the infection.  She says she loved the big boobs but now will try to enjoy life “running around with my kids.    

At least now she can run around with her kids without giving any of them a pair of black eyes. 

While she’s running around with her kids, he husband will be running around with some other woman who still has her implants.

On the bright side, now she can drive without accidentally beeping the horn all the time!

She’s going to donate all of her old bras to a local park to use as tree swings. 

He Always Wanted a Big Family… 

A man was arrested in Paris for a scam that reportedly cost the government $1.27 million dollars a year.  He claimed to have fathered 55 children by 55 different women.  Police believe he would find women visiting Paris and strike deals with them to claim he fathered their kids so they could apply for French residency and benefits.  Cops finally raided his two-room apartment, which was registered as the address of more than 50 people. 

50 people sharing one bathroom?   Imagine how long you’d have to wait in line to go “Oui Oui”!!!

Fathering 55 kids with 55 different women?  This guy should be drafted into the NBA!

And Finally…

Sunday was National Chlamydia Day in Sweden. 

There was a huge parade and the excitement was contagious!

Have a great day!  See you back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us!"

LIONS LOSE BIG!

They lost their franchise quarterback Matthew Stafford for who knows how long and they lost a game to the Bears that they really won.  Even the Chicago Newspapers are saying that the Lion’s were victorious and that a bad call in the end zone took it away.  The Lion’s can’t win for losin’!

U of M and Michigan State both won over the weekend with the Maize and Blue’s Denard Robinson delivering another astounding performance. 

And RIP to U of M hall-of-famer, the great Ron Kramer who died Saturday at the age of 75. 

Packin’ Heat

An environmental group called 350.org drove a bio-diesel van to the White House to urge President Obama to show his commitment to “Green” energy by re-installing solar panels on the White House roof.   Jimmy Carter had 32 solar panels put on in 1979 but they were removed during roof-repairs in 1986.  White House reps said the Prez. Is all for clean energy but declined the panels.

Instead he’s just going to strap Rahm Emanuel to the roof.  He attracts all kinds of heat!

If they really want the President to save money, they should insist he use a Solar Powered Teleprompter.

Was The Plane Made By Airbus(t)??? 

21-year-old Playboy model Tiffany Livingston was taken into federal custody last Thursday night after she reportedly had a panic attack on a JetBlue flight from Orlando to Newark and tried to open the door in-flight.  The New York Post says the model has had anxiety attacks before and was stuck on the plane without her medication. 

I don’t why they were surprised.  Her Playboy Profile said she liked, “Walks on the beach… World peace… and Jumping out of moving airplanes.”

She also said she loved “Puffy clouds” and just wanted to get a closer look!

On the bright side, she was carrying her very own flotation devices. 

There Are Eight Million Stories in the Naked City… And This Is One Of Them 

A nudist resort is Surrey, England is under threat from prying eyes.  It’s 300 members are used to swimming, playing tennis and barbequing (ouch!) naked in the privacy of their fenced-in grounds.  But the local city council has approved plans for a five-story apartment complex next door that would give residents a birds eye view of the clubs activities.  One nudist claims she’s not ashamed of her body, but doesn’t want, “every Tom, Dick or Harry staring at me.”

She didn’t mention his name, so Big Al immediately leased an apartment on the 5^th floor. 

If they don’t want to be seen naked while grilling, why not just throw on a pair of Barbeque Thongs?

Naked Tennis, huh?  When they say 40-Love, they mean it!

Now He’s Praying for Forgiveness! 

Police in Madison, Wisconsin arrested a street musician who apparently doesn’t take kindly to criticism.  Police say two homeless guys walked over to Brandin Hochstrasser and insulted his guitar playing.   Hochstrasser bashed one of the men over the head with his guitar and threw the other man against a wall.  The musician goes by the name “Bongo Jesus”.

Since the incident, sales of “What Would Bongo Jesus Do” bracelets have plummeted.

I’m glad no one can arrest me when I’m at home throwing things at the TV every time I see another “Wallside Windows” commercial. 

I’d pay a million bucks to see this guy audition for Simon Cowell!

Was Kanye “Swift” Boated?  

While Lady Gaga was the big winner at Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, taking home six “moon men”, she wasn’t the only one making headlines.  Taylor Swift took to the stage and began her performance of a song called “Forgiveness” with a video “remembrance”, shall we say, to last year’s acceptance speech debacle.  Let’s watch the video from last years ceremony as Kanye West made his infamous appearance…

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick

"Hey, there's a new retired kid on the block!"

As long as I’ve been in town, I can’t recall a time when Sonny Eliot wasn’t on the air in Detroit, be it radio or TV.  I’m sure his 63 years on the air is an all-time record that will never be surpassed.  Sonny and I didn’t hang out together, but I got to know him through a mutual friend, and so we had some lunches together.  (One time Sonny, myself, Howie Young of the Red Wings, and one other guy even caught the matinee performance at the Empress Burlesque!  Yes, we were two wild and crazy guys!)  During those extended lunches I didn’t want to discuss broadcasting.  (We both had enough of that)  But rather I’d ask Sonny about his WWII years as a U.S. Air Force Bomber pilot and his experiences after being shot down over Germany and imprisoned in a Nazi Prisoner of War camp for 16 months. Sonny used his great sense of humor to keep his fellow soldiers and airmen laughing, and I’m sure under the additional pressure of being Jewish it wasn’t easy for Sonny.  But he did it!

Sonny’s style of being the “funny” weatherman was a first.  Until that time the “Weather Guy” on the television evening news was always “super straight”. No laughs during the weathercast, just the info.  Sonny changed all that with his jokes and references to various towns around Michigan, especially Engadine in the U.P.  Sonny’s style of being the funny/humorous weatherman caught on all around the country.  Later that changed; the “Weather Guy” was serious and the “Sportscaster” became the funny or wacky one with lots of shtick. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever met Sonny, but he is a “what you see is what you get” kind of guy.  Always on!  Although I hope for his beautiful wife Annette’s sake he wasn’t ALWAYS on! 

What a year it’s been for on-air broadcasting retirements in Motown.  First it was me retiring in March after 45 years on the air in Detroit.  Then Eric Smith after 45 years on the air in May.  Then Jerry Hodak after 45 years this month.  And now Sonny Eliot after 60 plus years!  There must be something in the water…And maybe that something is Geritol!  Come to think of it Sonny  – you, me, Eric and Jerry – we’d make quite a Mall Walking Foursome!  Let’s lace ‘em up fellas!

Good luck and good health Sonny, and may all your years ahead be as “Sunny” as you are! 

Sincerely,

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

The Blind Reading the Blind…

A company in Houston called “Taping for the Blind” offers the sight-impaired something special:  An audio version of Playboy Magazine.  While a text-only Braille version has been available for decades, The Blind community can now “listen” to all the articles, jokes, letters and yes, detailed descriptions of the pictures, read aloud by women volunteers.

So now you can spend your teenage years using Playboy to go blind – then listen to it years later when you are!

Although his eyes are fine, Big Al uses this service – but swears he only listens to it for the articles.

Finally, Hugh Hefner can enjoy his own magazine without having to wear his tri-focals!

It Goes Great With Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti… 

Germans have been in an uproar recently over ads that urge people to “donate any part of their body” for a cannibal themed restaurant.  It also sought the services of “open-minded” surgeons to help obtain the cuts of meat.   Turned out the ad was fake – put out by the German Vegetarian Society aka “Vebu” to raise awareness of the evils of eating meat.  

If a real cannibal-theme restaurant ever opens… stay away from the McNuggets!

I can hear it now… “Waiter, there’s a GUY in my soup!”

Some possible names for the restaurant… “Chuckie-E’s-Knees”, “Frank in Beans”, & “Peanut Butter & Jerry”.   

Mrs. Puddle The Poodle Needs Prozac!

A German toymaker has unveiled a unique new line of stuffed toys with psychiatric problems.  They include a turtle with severe depression, a snake who suffers from terrifying hallucinations and a sheep with multiple personalities.  It allegedly started as a joke, the but creator found that both kids and grown-ups like helping to “heal them”. 

So let me get this straight… now you can get a Teddy Bear that so insecure you have to get it, it’s OWN Teddy Bear to sleep with. 

Sales of the “Bi-Polar Bear” keep going up and down.

Lions and Tigers and OCD Bears!  Oh, my!

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I sleep every night with a stuffed bunny… but ONLY because he’s afraid of the dark.

“Yeah, I’m Goin’ to Cat-Mandu…”

Tang Meirong of China was walking down the sidewalk outside an apartment building when a heavy object fell on her head and knocked her out.  It turned out to be a cat, which was killed in the fall.  The building manager couldn’t identify the cat’s owner, so Tang is planning on suing all 200 residents of the building unless someone takes responsibility.

Turns out the cat only had one life, but the woman has hired nine attorneys.

Of course you know what they call a falling cat in China:  “Fast Food”.

Which reminds me, if you’re ever dining out in Korea – don’t ask for a doggie bag!

Those Caf-Fiends!

Starbucks has decided to de-clutter it’s drive-thru menus by getting rid of it’s smaller, 12 oz. drink size.  So now, customers in cars will only be offered the 16oz. “grande” or 20 oz. “venti” coffee drinks and not the 12 oz. “tall”. 

By the time you figure out their ordering system, your so awake you don’t need the coffee anymore. 

Why not just simplify the whole thing by having the Starbucks staff ask, “How jittery do you want to get?”

Laughing in the Can

On this day in 1950, the TV laugh track was used for the very first time on the sitcom, “The Hank McCune Show”.

And for years you could hear it on my show.  We called it John “Ankles” Stewart!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick

P.S. To our Jewish friends… Happy 5771!  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Troubled In Tinseltown…

One of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood was a no-show at last night’s invitation-only Red Carpet Premiere of the new TV series “Detroit 1-8-7” at the MGM Grand.  While many of the shows lead actors including Michael Imperioli (Christopher on “The Sopranos”) and James McDaniel (Lt. Fancy on N.Y.P.D. Blue) mingled on the red carpet with local dignitaries Mayor Dave Bing and City Council President Charles Pugh – one familiar face was conspicuously absent:  Big Al Muskovito. 

Muskovito, known to many of you as “Big Al” on my radio show landed the plum, career-making role of a Polish band leader on the show’s first episode which airs September 21^st.  After several failed attempts at reaching him through his publicist, I realized I should just try his cell phone.  He picked up on the first ring and, mouth full of scrambled eggs, muttered something about how great it was to hear from one of the “little people” and then mentioned something about getting his number changed. 

I asked him why he hadn’t attended the premiere – after all, he does have five – yes – FIVE LINES in the upcoming episode.  “I’m sick of all the hype,” he said.  “I’m a private person who just happens to love acting.  I’m not into the whole ‘Hollywood thing’.”  

“So you weren’t invited?” I said.  “Bingo,” he responded.  “I mean what a load of crap!  My role may have been small but it’s pivotal to the plot!  Well, maybe not exactly pivotal,” he added, admitting that he wasn’t really sure what that word meant, but had heard it once on one of the Cable news shows.  “I even had my powder-blue tux dry cleaned and had neck extenders put in the collar of my best dickey – and then I get dissed”. 

So instead of hob-nobbing with the glitterati, he did what he usually does on Tuesday night.  Went out for ribs, then went home and watched Cinemax! 

And Now On With The News!

According to a Social Science Journal, Americans are in love with the idea of “soul mates”.  The news is based on a new Marist poll, which found that two-thirds of Americans believe that somewhere, there is that one special someone they are destined to be with. 

And not surprisingly, it’s not the person they’re married to! 

Of course men and women have different definitions of the word “soulmate”… For women, it’s someone they can share their innermost thoughts with, and for men, it’s a girl with big boobs who’s half his age.

Men like to think that somewhere out there, there is that one special woman who is destined to meet them and take away half of everything they own.  

LITTLE KNOWN COMPLETELY UNTRUE FACT: Dr. Scholl met his “Solemate” at a podiatrists office.  

You Put Your Right Foot In… 

Researchers in England claim they’ve figured out what type of dance moves men should use to attract women.  After intense research, they found most woman prefer strong central body motions, and men who do wider and bigger movements of the head, neck and torso. 

So basically this means women are turned-on by the guys in “The Village People”???

I think Elvis proved the whole “strong central body movement” part about fifty years ago.  So did Fats Domino and Chubby Checker!

“Lady Gaga… She’s What’s For Dinner”

Lady Gaga has ticked off PETA (The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) by appearing on the cover of Vogue’s Japanese Magazine wearing nothing but pieces of raw meat shaped roughly into the form of a bikini.

Knowing Lady Gaga, I’ll bet they used Strip Steaks.

If it had been Kim Kardashian, they would have had to use a Rump Roast.  A really, really big one!

Didn’t Elton John do something like this when he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth?  Of course he wore a bathing suit made of “Sir Loin”!!!

Oprah Win-Free…

On this date in 1986, “The Oprah Winfrey Show made its television debut.

And everyone in the audience received a free 2 inch-long Matchbox Car! (Hey… she had a small promotions budget in those days.) 

Believe it or not, during the very first episode Oprah managed to gain, then lose 10 pounds!

An 80-Year Old “Strip-er”

And on this day in 1930, “Blondie” by Chic Young first appeared in the comic strips.

Word on the street is that Dagwood is writing a shocking new tell-all in which he admits she’s not a natural “Blondie”!

Have a great day and we’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick 

Reading and Riting and Rythmatic!

I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach…

Then it hit me.  It’s BACK TO SCHOOL DAY. 

While it is true that it has been several…um… quite a few, okay it’s been DECADES since I let go of my mommy’s hand, lips trembling, and walked through the door of that big, scary, unknown place that was my Kindergarten room at GEORGE WASHINGTON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in Kenmore, New York, sometimes it feels like yesterday. 

I think going back to school is daunting for even the most “I’m-So-Cool-This-So-Doesn’t-Phase-Me” high schoolers,  – but it’s probably the hardest for kids in elementary school. 

I mean one day you’re outside playing “kick the can” (or these days, video games) with the kids in the neighborhood, and the next thing you know you’re Mom is waking you up with the dreaded words, “Hurry… you don’t want to be late for your first day!” (I don’t???)

To borrow a phrase from “Apocalypse Now”, “The Horror!  The Horror!” 

For me… the worst was 3^rd grade – the year it seems to me you move from little kid to “upperclassmen” in the Grammar School world.  Armed with nothing more that a few pencils, a spiral notebook, and some glue, I entered Room #304 and was left to fend for myself.  There were some familiar faces – kids I’d been in the same class with the year before – and that brought me some comfort.  Even seeing my 2^nd grade nemesis, Eddie Chamberlain, sitting there made me feel better… familiarity is highly underrated. 

And then, my worst fears came true!  There she stood, in the front of the class.  Miss Emminger!!  The teacher I had heard rumors of all summer long…  “She’s mean…She gives more homework than any other teacher in history…She hates kids!”  I could see this was going to be the worst year of my ENTIRE LIFE.  I was at the mercy of Hitler in a dress!  

Of course a few days later, all the fear was gone.  I had my friends, my routine, I had rediscovered with joy the smell of the freshly varnished gym floor.  And don’t get me started on that school paste.   Who doesn’t remember the scent (or the taste, for that matter!)   But most importantly, as the days went on, I realized that Miss Emminger was tough, but she wasn’t the anti-Christ after all. 

Having seen my six daughters through their elementary school years and beyond and now seeing my daughters own kids going through the same thing – brings back incredible memories.   

So to all you kids out there – I promise you this:  As tough and emotional as today may be, it could be worse.  Look at the bright side… you’ve only got YEARS and YEARS of “the first day of school” ahead of you!

- Dick

P.S. Thanks for all the kinds words about seeing my daughter, JoAnne, and me on the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon.  It was an honor to be there and thanks to the generosity of Metro-Detroiters we raised over 1.5 million dollars!

"The Week that Was…And The Weekend That Will Be!"

The Ultimate “Kick-Off”…

It’ll it be a busy Labor Day weekend for me – not in terms of labor – but this weekend I have been invited to attend the re-dedication of the new Michigan Stadium.  While the Wolverines kick-off the season against Connecticut Saturday at 3:30, in the 109,901-seat stadium, tonight Gail and I will be honored to be among just 1200 people attending a private party at the completely refurbished Big House. 

The stadium is completely state-of-the-art with all the bells and whistles, and was the brain-child of U of M’s Athletic Director Bill Martin who will officially retire as AD just before the kick-off tomorrow. 

Bill, who was in the real estate and construction businesses for years before signing on with Michigan – came up with the idea to massively upgrade the 83-old-year storied stadium when he took over the reigns as Athletic Director 10 years ago.  Amazingly, the 226 million dollar project came in on time and on budget. 

While modesty prevents me from taking total credit for that achievement, I would be remiss to not point out that during one of our pre-game broadcasts three seasons ago while we were interviewing Bill, I kicked in $20 bucks towards the building fund.  Not to be outdone, Jackie (a proud U of M Grad – in four years thank you) and Big Al (a proud 1.9 GPA graduate of MSU) also handed over some some cash. 

(Being a true-green Spartan, Big Al wasn’t thrilled about contributing but lost a “thumb war” to Bill Martin and ended up forking over10 bucks.)

So congratulations to Bill Martin on this remarkable acomplishment and best of luck to Bill and his wife Sally in the future.  Go Bill! and Go Blue!

By the way… I’d love to hear your thoughts on the new Big Ten (really Big 12) two-division set-up, with Michigan in one Division and Ohio State in the other.  (Fortunately MSU is in the same division as Michigan).  Post your comments here, or on our Facebook page. 

But Wait… There’s More!

The opening of the Michigan Stadium is a big story… wait til you hear this:  We haven’t done the “Story of the Week” in a while, but in my humble opinion, this has to be it:

93-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor is said to be nearing the end, but her husband Fredrick Prinz von Anhalt says he wants to preserve his wife’s body and put her “on show”.  He said that Zsa Zsa has always dreamed that her beauty will be immortal and he wants to “plastinate” her with a special cadaver preserving process so that her beauty will last forever.  He added, “I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa in the context of a scene of one of her films.” 

Well she was in “Nightmare on Elm Street III”…

Didn’t Michael Jackson tried to plastinate himself?  Of course he was alive at the time! 

Von Anhalt says hasn’t made a final decision yet probably because he’s always been a “pro-plastinator”!

And one more thing…

This Monday, Labor Day,  marks the 45^th annual Jerry Lewis Labor Telethon for MDA – which I’ve been doing for around 40 years myself!  Needless to say it’s a great cause and I will be thrilled to be co-hosting with one of my six favorite daughters, JoAnne, for the final 3 and a half hours from 3:00 to 6:30pm on Channel 20. I hope you’ll tune in and donate!   

Have a safe, happy and healthy holiday weekend and we’ll see you back here Tuesday morning!

- Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A “Miner” Indiscretion…

One of the trapped Chilean miners is dreading his rescue after his wife ran into his secret mistress during a vigil at the mine.  Yonni Barrios’ wife Marta was shocked when she heard his lover Susana shouting his name.  The wife says she will stand by her man when he is finally rescued… but the mistress claims he has been planning to leave his wife for her. 

When rescuers told the miners they wouldn’t likely be rescued until Christmastime, Barrios asked if they could possibly postpone that until spring.

This guy is the Tiger Woods of Miners.

Can You Blow Bubbles With Cocaine? 

Paris Hilton, who was busted for possession of Cocaine late Friday night not only claims that the purse it was found in wasn’t hers, she says she thought the powdery white substance police found in a plastic baggie was gum.

She also claimed that she thought her license was a “Get Out of Jail Free” Card… which to honest, is pretty much true!

Paris also thought the eyebrows tweezers in the purse were a pair of barbeque tongs belonging to someone with really small hands.

Drinks on the Blouse!

Yesterday a lawsuit was thrown out that seeked to ban “Ladies Nights” in bars as being sexually discriminatory.  The plaintiff had claimed that the idea of letting women into bars for free or half price was an invention of militant feminists, designed to make men pay for women to party.  He said, “it’s a transfer of money from the wallet of guys to the pocketbooks of girls”. 

This guy sounds crazier than the guy who broke into the Discovery Channel Building. 

Call me crazy… but what man doesn’t mind buying drinks for a militant feminist? 

The plaintiff, a Mr. H. Wallbanger, had no comment. 

Gee Your Hair Smells Expensive!

Lloyds of London announced they have written a $1 million insurance policy for Pittsburgh Steeler strong safety, Troy Polamalu’s famous hair.  Polamalu hasn’t cut his hair in seven years, in tribute to his Samoan heritage. It’s now a gigantic, curly bush of hair that’s become his trademark. 

The policy was paid for by the new “Head & Shoulder Pads” Shampoo.

Every Sunday this guy sets a new record… for helmut hair. 

While the other Steeler players are working out in the gym to stay in condition, he’s stealing all of the conditioner in the shower.  

Kneel Diamond!

Tuesday, a Miami Dolphin’s practice was halted after defensive end Kendall Langford realized he was missing one of his 2.5 carat diamond earrings.  His teammates and grounds crew got on their knees and combed the field looking for it, but it was not found. 

So he’ll just have to wear his big dangly hoop-style earrings.

When I was playing football (Junior Varsity High School!!!), I didn’t wearing sissy diamond earrings.  I just went with simple gold studs. 

Kelsey Needs Your Help!

Kelsey Grammer played Frasier Crane for 20 years, but after two flopped sit-coms and a mega-expense divorce he wants to do it again.  He’s been tweeting fans about a reunion show, or a spin-off about Frasier’s and Nile’s sons with the old cast doing cameos.  He added that maybe it could be updated around social media:  “Now, that would be powerful, include like Twitter, iPhones, etc…”.

Sounds like he has no idea what the show would really be about.  If you have any ideas, send them to me via social media like Twitter, iPhones, etc.  Now that would be powerful! 

Here’s an idea:  He plays a psychiatrist who spends a lot of time drinking in a Boston bar. 

Hope you have a “Cheer”full day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow for the Friday blog, “The Week That Was”!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

A Hot Wing!

Great to see that Chris Chelios is staying with the Red Wings in an advisory capacity.  He holds the record for the most games played by a defensemen in NHL history at 1,651 – a shoo-in for the NHL Hall of Fame! 

From Athletic Cups to G-strings…

I wanted to address a comment made on Facebook about one of our stories on yesterday’s blog.  The story was about how “Granny Pant’s are making a comeback over G-Strings”.  Char Krupp-Kruse wrote that “they are called thongs not G-strings anymore”.  After intensive Googling, I discovered that G-Strings are actually a type of thong – but not necessarily the same thing.  Just to be sure, I’ve got a call in to Tiger Woods for clarification.

Speaking of Tiger…

Did you hear that just four days after reaching an enormous divorce settlement, he has taken out a $54.5 million mortgage for the mega-mansion he’s building on Florida’s exclusive Jupiter Island? 

The house may be on Jupiter but he’s got his head up Uranus! 

“I Love My Grant-Ma!” 

A Dallas Newspaper reports that the number of Congressional Black Caucus Foundation scholarships awarded by Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson to her ineligible grandchildren, grand-nephews and her aides’s kids now stands at 23.  Johnson says she wouldn’t have given so much money to her relatives, but not enough qualified students applied.

Plenty applied, but they failed the mandatory “I’m-related-to-Bernice” DNA test. 

To her credit, she did run as a “family values” candidate.

To prove her character is beyond reproach, she showed the reporter she was wearing her “World’s Greatest Grandma” T-Shirt. 

And to think I was happy when my Grandma gave me a shiny new quarter on my birthday!

“Talk to the Hand…” 

A London fashion house has announced plans to market the first Cell-Phone Dress for women who often find themselves without a pocket to hold their phones.  Dubbed the “M-Dress”, the feminine frock has a SIM card connection under the label.  The mouth and earpiece are in the cuff.  To answer a call, you just lift your hand to your face and then drop your hand to hang up. 

If you do the “YMCA” while wearing this dress, you’ll end up spending a thousand bucks repeatingly calling China.

Hasn’t the Secret Service used this technology for years?

Maxwell Smart would have killed for one of these dresses!  It’s so much more convenient than having to take off your shoe.

“The Old and The Not-So-Bored” 

Old people might gripe about them, but it turns out they like reading negative stories about today’s young people.  A German survey found that reading bad things about young people boosts old people’s self-esteem, possibly because it’s revenge for the negative way older people are portrayed in our youth-centered society.

Who would have thought that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are actually giving the elderly a reason to live!

So when your neighbor yells, “Hey you kids… get off my lawn!” what he’s really saying is, “Come back tomorrow and bring your friends!”

There’s been a surprising backlash against Betty White.  A lot of old people are hoping she’ll get caught with Cocaine mixed in with her Metamucil.

It’s a Daddy Burnt Legs!

A 28-year-old man was trying to kill a spider in his bathroom using spray from an aerosol can.  For some reason he decided he needed more light so he flicked his cigarette lighter, igniting the fumes.  He suffered flash burns before jumping in the shower to put out the flames.  His wife called fire fighters for help.

Then she killed the spider with her shoe – on the first try.

The man said he was spraying the spider with “Nair” so it’s leg hair would fall off and it wouldn’t look so scary. 

Even “Little Miss Muffet” thinks this guy is a wimp.

Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick