On the "Banks" of the Red Cedar, There's a Coach You Can "Bank" On For Life!

He’s staying put!  As well he should!  He’s where he belongs!  

But enough about Kwame Kilpatrick not going to Boot Camp!  Let’s all get in the Izzone!!!  Thank you Tom!  A grateful Michigan State thanks you and for that matter a grateful State of Michigan thanks you. 

(Photo Courtesy of clickondetroit.com) 

Sure, the ordeal lasted an excruciating nine days, but when Green smoke billowed from the Breslin Center on the campus of MSU Tuesday night we finally knew that the Spartans had a basketball coach for life.  And we finally were informed why it took 9 days.   And I loved it.  The Coach said his daughter, a freshman in high school, was in the middle of finals and he didn’t want her to be distracted!  He said he didn’t talk about the coaching decision with his family for four days because of that!  (Talk about a critical time out!)  You want to talk priorities?

School finals or no school finals, make no mistake, Tom Izzo earned the right to think about it.  This wasn’t a question of loyalty; Tom had already given MSU 27 years of blood, sweat and tears.  This wasn’t just a question of money; although Tom is going to have to make due on $3 million dollars a year instead of $6 million a year.  Tom Izzo used the same values and principals in making this coaching decision that he used protecting his daughter.  He knows what really matters.  Tom is a father for life and now he’s Michigan State’s basketball coach for life.  And Coach Izzo’s kids and the kids he teaches about basketball and life - both on and off the hardwood - are better off for it. 

Look ladies and gentlemen, do you realize how many times New York and L.A. radio stations came calling during my tenure with Dick Purtan?  Do you realize how easily I could’ve bolted, leaving hundreds of thousands of adoring fans behind?  Do you realize how many offers of millions of dollars, lavish homes, beautiful women, and expensive cars I turned down to stay with Dick Purtan and Purtan’s Peop….

WE INTERUPT THIS BLOG TO WAIT FOR THIS FANTASY OF BIG AL’S TO COME TO A CLOSE.  STAND BY, PLEASE………

Hello?  Oh.  Okay, I’m back.  Sorry, I went a way for a awhile but I’m back now.  Let me see, uh, oh yeah…

Folks, when we lost Ernie Harwell, our community lost a man of great integrity, honesty, loyalty, passion and compassion; a shining example of what a person should be.   And now a man, who in many ways is cut from that same cloth, albeit rougher around the edges, is here to stay.  This is not just a win for MSU, it is a win for all of us.  Whether you wear Green & White or Maize & Blue, there’s no denying that Coach Tom Izzo, born and raised in Michigan, is one our State’s most valuable “Natural Resources”. 

One final thing.  As Dick stated on his Facebook late Tuesday night, I do have one surprise to reveal.  More than a surprise really, more like a secret that I kept to myself on the air for 14 years.  No, not THAT secret.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  The other secret?……

I’M A MICHIGAN STATE GRAD!!!  IT’S TRUE!  COMMUNICATION ARTS MAJOR CLASS OF, OF, OF…NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!  GO GREEN, GO WHITE!  AND GO TOM IZZO!… Big Al over and out. 

(Photo Courtesy of msuspartans.com) 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

No Camp for Kwame…

Yesterday, Judge David Groner denied Kwame Kilpatrick’s request to be sent to a Prison “Boot Camp” that would have made him eligible for parole in just 90 days.  But critics say the former Mayor still has it pretty good in the slammer… He’s isolated from the other prisoners, he’s got his own cell, bathroom and gets to watch TV.

- His favorite show?  Re-runs of “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!”

- Since he gets to shower alone, the only “Cheeks” he has to see is when his mom comes to visit. 

*****

A Los Angeles court sentenced a man who pleaded no contest to stalking Ryan Seacrest to two years in state prison and ordered him to stay away from Seacrest and  his workplace for the next 10 years. 

- I always wondered what happened to Clay Aiken.

- If I were this guy, I wouldn’t tell my fellow inmates what I’m in for!

*****

They Don’t Call It the Land of Fruits and Nuts for Nothing…

A California law bans people from profiting from a divorce if they tried to kill their spouse, but – and this is a Kim Kardashian size but – they can still collect if they hired someone else to do the deed.  Now some politicians there have proposed a new law that would specifically prevent wives from getting anything in a divorce if the hitman they hire is unsuccessful.

- NOTE TO DISGRUNTLED WIVES IN CALIFORNIA: Ask your hitman for references before you hire him!

- Too bad OJ’s in Prison… this sounds like a whole new career opportunity for him.

- Of course if you divorce a big-time celebrity in Hollywood, you can make a killing without actually making a killing.

- I don’t think they should change the law, husbands and wives should just change the pre-nup!

- It’s a good thing Tiger Woods lives in Florida…

*****

A 74 year old woman in Boise, Idaho, was arrested for allegedly pouring a jar of mayonnaise down the book return slot of her local library.  Police say she’s a “person of interest” in a string of at least 10 incidents where librarians have found various condiments in the book drop slot.

- Her family says she can’t be guilty as she always uses “Miracle Whip”.

- Because of all the condiments, the library is changing over to the “Gooey Decimal System”.

- I can’t understand how it took the police so long to Ketchup with her…

- The Librarians say her arrest is long “over due”.

- Her lawyer insisted on postponing the case until he can he can have her evaluated at the Mayo Clinic.

*****

A 26 year old man in Bavaria walked into a Hell’s Angels clubhouse, pulled down his shorts, mooned the bikers, threw a puppy at them, then fled.  He stole a frontloader from a construction site and headed for Munich, but the vehicle moved so slowly it caused a three mile traffic jam.  After police nabbed him, it was discovered that he had forgotten to take his anti-depression medication. 

- No disrespect intended, but any guy who moons the Hell’s Angels isn’t depressed… he’s suicidal!

- Hey… at least he didn’t put mayonnaise down a book return slot.

*****

Stunning news in the Sex Department…

Researchers in Toronto have revealed that nearly one in twelve people studied at a sleep clinic admitted to initiating or engaging in some kind of romantic romping while asleep.  It’s call “Sexsomnia”.  The study’s leader says it’s not a problem as long as your partner doesn’t mind and that the only drawback is that it can leave you tired the next day. 

- Having sex and sleeping at the same time?  Who says men can’t “multi-task”?

- The men in the study weren’t that tired the next day… after all, they’d only been active for two or three minutes. 

- The dangerous part is smoking the cigarette afterwards.

*****

On this day in 1752, Ben Franklin flew a kite during a storm to prove that lightning was a discharge of electricity…

- For the first time, wives had a place to tell their husbands to go when they were mad at ‘em. 

Also on this date in 1844, Charlie Goodyear received a patent on his process for vulcanizing rubber.  But he didn’t profit from it.

- Poor guy… he died “Flat” broke.

- To this day, his family has his body rotated twice a year.  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

“And Forever May She Wave!”

It’s Flag Day!  On this day in 1777, the U.S. Congress authorized the original American flag, with 13 red and white stripes and 13 white stars on a blue field. 

- Right after that, they passed a five hundred dollar “Stimulus Bill” to try and get the economy moving. 

- Betsy Ross was disappointed… she was hoping they’d pick a design that wasn’t so hard to sew.

- It’s also my daughter Jennifer’s Birthday… I’d tell you how old she is today, but I’m allergic to stun guns. 

*****

The U.S. was flying Old Glory high on Saturday when the U.S. Soccer team stunned Britain (and the world) by coming up with a 1-1 tie in the first round of World Cup Soccer.  The tie, considered by many a “victory” for the Americans came when the British Goalie missed an easy block, allowing for the goal.

- The Brits immediately blamed Umpire Jim Joyce for making what they said was “A bad call”.

- Prince Phillips wife, Camilla, was said to be so upset she immediately went to the barn to lay down.

- So the British Soccer team can’t block a goal… and British Petroleum can’t block the oil spill.  I think I see a pattern here…

*****

Also on the calendar… 

On this date in 1922, Warren G. Harding became the first president heard on the radio.  He was broadcast on WEAR in Baltimore.

- The President gave the weather forecast and then announced that the 10^th caller would get backstage passes to the Enrico Caruso concert.

- Hey, his radio career lasted almost a long as mine in Baltimore! Remember, I got fired after five weeks for making fun of then-governor Spiro Agnew and also for being “too wild” for the town. (Imagine mild-mannered me being “too wild” for anything?!?!)

And on this date in 1974, Dr. Henry Heimlich announced the invention of the “Heimlich Maneuver”.

- When  the medical community realized how simple it was, some doctors nearly choked on their lunch.

*****

Sarah Palin has responded to rampant Internet rumors that she had a boob job.  Palin issued a statement that she does not have implants and wishes that people would concentrate on things like helping people in the gulf instead of her cleavage…

- Bill Clinton said, “Hey… I can see Sarah Palin’s boobs from my house!”

- Real or not… they’re still not as big as Barney Franks. 

- If you want to see the biggest boobs in Politics… just take a look at Congress.

*****

Stick a Fork In It… That Theme Line’s Done!

Because of slipping sales, the National Pork Board is looking for a replacement for their long-time slogan, “Pork.  The Other White Meat”.

- How about these:  “Don’t Forget to Get This Little Piggy When You Go to Market!”… “We Will Sell No Swine Before It’s Time”… “All We Are Saying… Is Give Pork a Chance”. 

- Come up with the winning slogan and you could end up bringing home the bacon!

- NOTE: Gotta a slogan?  Just click on our Facebook page and post it there… or here… by clicking the “comment button” at the top of this page.  

*****

While were on the topic of meat… Sausage king (and singer) Jimmy Dean has passed away at the age of 81. 

- In lieu of a funeral, the family will be holding a “Brown & Memorial SERVE-ice”.  

- They say Jimmy loved and sold pork… right up until the day it killed him. 

*****

And finally… Elvis Presley’s Graceland estate has signed a deal to market the first Elvis version of Mr. Potato Head.  The toy will debut during Elvis Tribute Week in August. 

- You are what you eat, and Elvis is now a potato. 

"The Week that Was…"

Another Friday… another eventful week.

Joran Van der Sloot.  As Ernie Harwell would say, “He’s looonnnggg gone!” for killing that girl in Peru.  I saw  a prison expert on TV say that the Peruvian jails are the worst in the world with dozens of prisoners jammed into tiny cells with nothing but a hole in the floor for a john.  Just where the sleaze belongs. 

Which leads us to Kwame… no murders, just a vicious hatchet job on the people and city of Detroit.  Sentenced to one and a half to 5 years in prison – he may now enter a “boot camp”, which would make him eligible for parole in just 90 days.  Here’s hoping Judge David Groner sticks to his guns and “boots” Kwame’s big butt back to his cell for the next one-and-a-half years to five.  (Although if he does let Kwame go… I’m going to have go back to being pen pals with Bernie Madoff).

By the way, did you see that Mayor Dave Bing has announced that the new Detroit Police Headquarters will be the old MGM Grand Casino?  Makes sense to me… the place has always been filled with one-armed bandits. 

What’s in a name?  Apparently a lot.  Chevrolet execs announced that from now on, their cars will not be referred to as “Chevy’s” but Chevrolets.  Being a radio guy, my first thought was, “Hmmm… does this mean Don McLean is going to have to re-record the lyrics of his classic, “American Pie”?   Instead of,  “I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry” will it go something like, “I drove my Chevrolet to the Lev-ro-let”?(I’m no Gershwin - or Lady Gaga for that matter, but I know most songs rhyme).  Frankly I’m just amazed that I actually remembered the words to a song I only played 2 or 3 thousand times. 

On a personal note… it was a hectic week.  (And I’m not just talking about the fifteen minutes I tried convincing the sample lady at Costco that I really wasn’t interested in trying the “Marinated Pork Sausage in A Blanket”…)

I spent one night enjoying the all-American pastime – no, not watching the premiere of “Kate Plus Eight” – I’m talking baseball.  My two nephews, uh, grandson’s, Jack and Adam (ages 6 and 7) took on another group of kids with equal athletic prowess.   Sometime during the third inning, it occurred to me that all the kids were wearing protective helmets.  I said to my daughter, JoAnne, Adam’s mom, “When I played as a kid, we never wore helmets… and we liked it!”  JoAnne responded, “Well that explains a lot…”  Hmmm.  Note to self:  Revise Will!

Gail and I are going to a dinner party tonight – an intimate gathering of some radio people.  It’s a casual deal with everybody bringing something.  After a lengthy discussion we decided on a fruit tray.  

So it was back to Costco.  Back to passing by the sample lady.  This time, it was a “Mini-Corn Dog On a Stick” with a low-fat yogurt dipping sauce.  It seems to me that if you’re gonna eat a corn dog, the fat content of the dipping sauce doesn’t really matter.  Although it would have been perfect for the State Fair.  NOT!!!!!

Hope you had a great week – and here’s to an even better weekend!

- Dick 

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

He’s only served two weeks of his 1 and ½ year sentence,  but the Michigan Department of Corrections is proposing that Kwame Kilpatrick head to boot camp with parole possible in just 90 days.  He is currently in a prison near Traverse City.  

- Kwame immediately texted the Department seconding the motion…

- He’s the only guy I know who gets sentenced to 5 years in jail and then ends up going to the prison equivalent of “Summer Camp”.  

- So if you see something big and orange by the side of the road this summer, it might not be a construction barrell - it might be Kwame.  

- If all goes well, he could be paroled in time to compete in the Traverse City Cherry Pit Spitting Competition!

*****

The Sun Tabloid reports that Britney Spears’ top bodyguard has quit and is thinking of suing her for sexual harassment.  Ex-cop Fernando Flores says that Britney is, “a nightmare to deal with, her emotions are totally out of control…she runs around the house naked yelling at staff”.  Fernando says he quit because Brit started coming on to him and he wouldn’t give in…

- He doesn’t want to have sex with Britney?  So he’s either gay or has a super-high co-pay for antibiotics.      

- Not the sharpest tool in the shed, Flores has reportedly applied for a bodyguard job for Madonna.

- Let me get this straight… Emotions out of control, running around the house naked yelling at people?  I’ve got three letters for you:  “PMS”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney has confirmed that her client’s ankle bracelet, which detects alcohol in body sweat, did go off at an MTV Awards party last week… (Lindsay is forbidden from imbibing) but insists she believes Lindsay has complied with the “no-drinking” provision of her probation.

- Her attorney blamed it on her perfume, “Chanel No. 5 - 40 Proof”.

- …and the soap she uses… “Irish WHISKEY Spring”.  Manly, yes.  But Lindsay likes it, too!

- Miss Lohan wasn’t available for comment… she was over at Britney Spears’ house running around naked. 

*****

Alvin Greene, the unknown, unemployed veteran who won the South Carolina Democratic primary without taking a dime in campaign contributions is coming under fire… He’s facing a felony charge for allegedly showing obscene Internet photos to a female college student and faces up to five years in prison.

- He ran as a member of the “Tea and A” Party.

*****

A 57-year-old woman from Ohio has been sentenced to three days in jail for repeatedly calling 911 to complain that she needed a husband.  (She admits alcohol was involved).

- Instead of 911 she should have called 411 and just asked for some guys numbers. 

- $50 bucks says she’s the star of next season’s “The Bachelorette”.

*****

Donna Simpson of New Bridge, New Jersey wants to become the world’s heaviest living woman.  The mother of two already weigh’s over 600 pounds and wears size XXXXL clothes.  Her fiancé says she’s “very sexy” and is 100% behind her goal of reaching one thousand pounds.

- In a twist, after the ceremony, the bride will carry the groom across the threshold. 

- They couple has hired a special high-speed photographer to capture the “cake eating” ceremony.

- She’s got a reality show in the works called, “Donna Plus 8… Hundred Pounds”.

- Hmmmm… XXXXXL.  I believe that’s the next Superbowl that the Lion’s actually have a chance of playing in.

*****

You’ve probably seen the video by now… Philadelphia Phillies fans were shocked during Sunday’s game when the stadium cameras picked up what appeared to be a 3 or 4-year-old boy with a beer bottle in his mouth.  Officials say they haven’t been able to identify the little guy but assume the bottle was empty at the time.

- Still, they’re going to change the beers’ slogan to:  “Tastes Great.  Less Filling…In A Diaper”.

- The incident gave the kid’s dad a great idea… He’s going to wear “Pull-Ups” to every game so he’ll never miss a pitch! 

- Umpire Jim Joyce said giving beer to a kid is, “a bad call”.  And this time he was right!

*****

BIRTHDAY NEWS…

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, celebrates his 89^th birthday today. 

- As a very special gift, the Queen has announced that she will spend the entire day holding his scepter. 

"If It's In the News...It's News To Us"

In case you didn’t think the world was heading down the toilet…

A New York State Senate Judiciary Committee narrowly voted 12-11 Tuesday to defeat the Gender Expression Non-Discrimination Act, also known as the “Bathroom Bill.”  It would’ve opened all single-sex public facilities to both genders INCLUDING cross-dressing men.  (I am not making this up!)

- This brings back a fond memory…Anyone remember the days when the ladies would sneak into the men’s rooms at Pine Knob?

- Had the “Bathroom Bill” passed, doors into public restrooms would probably have had to display the figure of a man, a woman, AND a man in a woman’s dress.

Speaking of “Bills”…

On this day in 1934, Donald Duck made his debut in the cartoon, “Wise Little Men.”

- It was rated “R” because Donald didn’t have any pants on.

In other news about “Quacks”…

Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan’s judge ordered her $100,000 bail forfeited, put out an arrest warrant on her, and reset her bail to $200,000.  The alarm on the bracelet Lohan wears to monitor alcohol in her sweat reportedly went off five times while she was at the MTV Awards after-party.

- The same alarm goes off on Big Al whenever he eats cake.

- Ironically, later that night, Lindsay’s dog disappeared after jumping over her home’s Invisible Fence.

From One Space Cadet to Another…

If you don’t have the dough to become a “Space Tourist”, you can now upload your photo to FaceInSpace.nasa.gov and have your picture sent up.

- Note to Arizona residences…You need to send two pictures on the shuttle or else you could be arrested for being an illegal “Space Alien”. 

- Great, finally I can get rid of that lousy driver’s license picture of mine.

 - FaceInSpace?  Come on, I still haven’t learned how to change the pictures on our Facebook page!

From “Animal Instincts” to I think this “Animal Stinks”…

Zoo keepers at the Bronx Zoo discovered that the favorite designer fragrance of cheetahs and other big cats is Calvin Klein’s “Obsession”. They sprayed 24 fragrances on rocks and trees and timed the cats to see how long they spent sniffing them.  “Obsession” was far and away the favorite with Cheetahs spending an average of 11 minutes sniffing the fragrance.  By contrast Estee Lauder’s “Beautiful” held their attention for only 2 seconds! 

- It’s the one that smells the least like a dead antelope. 

- Tiger Woods’ cologne is popular with serial cheetahs.

 - None of the fragrances had an effect on the lions because, well, we all know the “Lions”  stink.  (Just kidding Coach Schwartz, we know you’re going to turn things around this year!)

There’s always room for a good “Dumb Criminal” story…

Police in New York arrested a man who tried to rob a bank with a TV remote control that he claimed was connected to a bomb.  The manager handed him a black bag with unknown contents.  He took off, and the cops arrested him two doors away…there was no bomb!

-The police called in reinforcements when the man with the remote threatened to DVR a whole season of Kate Gosselin’s new reality TV series.

- After a 20-hour stand-off, the man finally gave up the remote…to his wife.

Finally, today’s Political Round-Up…

The White House has granted $500,000 to President Obama’s blue-ribbon commission on finding ways to reduce the deficit, after they complained that they were already out of money.   A spokesman defended it as a relatively meager budget for a government commission, saying, “We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel.”  

- Spending more to help find ways to reduce the deficit?  Big Al told me that’s the exact same philosophy he uses to lose weight.  The more he eats, the more he knows he needs to lose.

- And Tuesday was a huge day across America.  Decisions were being made that could affect Americans for years to come.  Will the right person be voted through?  Will those people live up to our expectations?  Only time will tell…Oh, maybe I should clarify something…I’m not talking about Tuesday’s Election Primaries, I’m talking about Tuesday night’s special two-hour “America’s Got Talent” auditions!  Were those folks great or what!  I’m thinking of auditioning next year.  My talent?  Jumping up and down on one foot trying to clear my sinuses in the middle of the night.  Vote early and vote often!

He May Be Doing 1 and 1/2 to 5... But He's Turning 40!

It’s Your Birthday!

Here’s Hoping Your Fellow Inmates Don’t Throw You a “SURPRISE PARTY”!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Radio Host Rush Limbaugh got married for the 4^th time over the weekend.  His bride, Kathryn Rogers is 26 years his junior.  The guest list was filled with celebrities – mostly conservatives with one notable exception:  Rush paid renowned liberal and gay rights activist Elton John one million bucks to perform at the reception. 

- Actually Rush sent an invitation to England addressed to “The Queen” and Elton showed up.

- Rush and his bride received 4 Blenders, Two Espresso Machines and hundreds of “Mega-Dittos”.

- When they exchanged rings, his wife placed the gold band on Rush’s “formerly nicotine stained finger”. 

*****

The Free Press reports that Michigan forest ecologist Marvin Roberson wanted to honor his favorite tree, the White Pine by putting it’s Latin name on his license plate.  The only problem?  The Latin name for “White Pine” is “Pinus”.  Officials rejected the name claiming that since most people don’t speak Latin, they might misinterpret the meaning.

- Sounds like a case of “Pinus Envy” to me.

- I’ll bet making that plate would’ve caused quite a stir among the prisoners in the prison license plate shop.

- Speaking of prison… I heard Kwame originally wanted that plate on the back of his Escalade.

- To show there are no hard feelings, Roberson has ordered special plates for the officials honoring his second favorite tree… They read, “Ash”.

*****

The University of Illinois did a study involving 550 Judges and found that most disputes could end faster and more cheaply if the defendants would just say they’re sorry.  They staged dozens of hypothetical cases ranging from car accidents to divorces and each time the defendant gave a sincere sounding apology, the plaintiff’s anger was reduced.  The only problem is, Lawyers tell their clients to NEVER APOLOGIZE because it sounds like an admission of guilt…

- And the shorter the trial, the less they can charge the defendant. 

- I don’t understand… Kwame apologized and he got sentenced to up to 5 years.  Oh, wait, they said the apology had to sound “sincere”. 

- INTERESTING NOTE:  Did you notice that Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP, is running TV commercials in which he says BP is taking complete responsibility for cleaning up the spill, but not for the spill itself? 

*****

- A French Psychologist, Eric Bui, watched the “Star Wars” Prequels and has developed an interesting theory.  He says that Anakin Skywalker turned into Darth Vader because of a borderline personality disorder instead of “The Force”.  He claims Anakin showed instability as a teen and going to “The Dark Side” would be the equivalent of turning to drugs. 

- I’m pretty sure somebody is taking drugs and I’m thinking it’s this French Psychologist.

- He also believes R2D2 rode on big giant spaceships to compensate for being so short.  (Get it… “Pinus Envy”. Still confused?  Check out the license plate story above!)

- Next up… the psychologist will reveal the real reason behind the break-up of Dean Martin and French hero, Jerry Lewis.

*****

Last Thursday night in Dallas, Texas, traffic was backed up on a major highway when a truckload of Honey Maid Graham Crackers overturned.  The next day, traffic was worse when commuters stopped their cars, jumped out and began grabbing some of the hundreds of boxes scattered along the road. 

- If only another truck filled with marshmallows and chocolate bars had rear-ended the first truck… They could have had quite a party! 

"The Week that Was…"

It might have been a short work-week, but what a week it was! 

One more time around on the “Perfect Game that Wasn’t But We All Know Was”… I noticed that in the still pictures, the umpire Jim Joyce is staring at Galarraga’s glove with the ball in it, instead of the first base bag.  I’ve always heard that umpires watch the base with their eyes and listen with their ears to hear the sound of the ball hitting the glove.  That’s how they make the calls.  Obviously, you can’t look at both things at the same time.  So that’s the way it’s done.  It did not appear from the photos that that’s the way Joyce did it and therefore that’s why he made the bad call.  Just a thought… Also, I think it’s total bull that Bud Selig, the Baseball Commissioner did not reverse the call and give Galarraga the out and therefore the perfect game – since the video proves, and the umpire himself has repeatedly stated, that he got it wrong.  Even though it’s against the rules of baseball to review anything but a questionable homerun, in this particular case of a pitcher throwing a perfect game, an exception should be made to the rule.  A wrong should always be righted! 

But there is a positive side to all of this…

After the initial shock and dismay over the “Galarraga Incident”, Detroiters showed the nation what kind of town we really are:  A classy and forgiving one.  Not only did the umpire, the pitcher and the coach all act like complete gentlemen – but for the most part - the fans were equally as gracious.  I can’t tell you how many e-mails and Facebook posts I received about people who, instead of being angry, felt deeply sorry for Jim Joyce – many saying they were praying for him.  There were no over-turned cars, nothing set on fire… just an amazing sense of good sportsmanship all around.  What started out as an “I Can’t Believe He Just Did That” moment turned into a very public and much needed shot in the arm for a city that too often is looked down upon.  This play, this game, and the positive way it was handled have now entered baseball lore and will be remembered for all time.  Isn’t that amazing?! 

Have a great weekend!

-Dick

"REMEMBER – NO ONE IS PERFECT, THAT’S WHY PENCILS HAVE ERASERS"

Hi, it’s Big Al.  Won’t you sing along with me?  On three.  1, 2, 3…

Take me out to the ball game,

Take me out with the crowd,

Buy me some peanuts and VALIUM AND ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!!!

Poor Tiger’s pitcher Armando Galarraga!  Poor Tiger fans. Wow!  What a memorable night at Comerica Park!  On what should have been the 27^th consecutive out and a perfect game for Galarraga over Cleveland, an umpire’s call turned a game that should have been a “Field of Dreams” into a NIGHTMARE on Elm Street!  Veteran umpire Jim Joyce publicly admitted after seeing the replay he “BLEW IT” when he called Cleveland’s Jason Donald safe at first base on an infield hit.  Joyce said, and I quote, “I just cost that kid a perfect game”.  But ONLY after he saw the replay.  We should all be so lucky to have a chance to rewind our lives to make a wrong a right.  Look, I’m not going to describe that fateful play in detail because those replays are EVERYWHERE!  And speaking of replays…

In baseball, home runs can be reviewed to make sure they were indeed home runs.  But there are no rules in place to overturn a play other than a home run.  However, there is talk today that Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig could intervene.  Not sure if this is accurate, but the story is circulating.  But the damage has been done.  Even if time is turned back, Galarraga can’t go back and feel that moment of incomparable exhilaration.  He can’t be mobbed by the players in front of screaming fans.  (Although his teammates did douse him with beer in the locker room calling it a ”28 out perfect game”.)  So what’s left to do?  Some observations:

-  Bravo for Umpire Jim Joyce for admitting his mistake and not just to the press.  After the game he personally went to Galarraga and apologized.  He will carry the pain of blowing that call the remainder of his life.  I hope the public will cut him some slack.

-  Bravo to Manager Jim Leyland for his class remarks after the game.  He invoked the “to err is human” philosophy and praised Jim Joyce for being a very good umpire over the last 23 years.

-  And perhaps most importantly, a HUUUUUUGE bravo to Armando Galarraga for being such a gentlemen in the heat of the moment.  He knows he pitched a perfect game, but he forgave the umpire for not being perfect.

The irony is, this “NON-PERFECT-SHOULD-HAVE-BEEN-A-PERFECT-GAME” Game will probably get more attention and be talked about more than any other perfect game in baseball history.  I have to agree with Matt Lauer, who this morning on the TODAY Show said that while Galarraga’s misfortune is painful, there just may be a valuable lesson in this for kids about sportsmanship.  I’m an old sweet and sensitive sap, but I agree whole-heartedly.  Life is not perfect and last night we were all reminded that we humans aren’t either.  Although in my opinion Heidi Klum comes close.  Sorry, I digress.  Let’s just say that on a perfect night a less than perfect moment gave us a perfect example about what life is really all about.  Our beloved Ernie Harwell once said:  “Baseball is a lot like life.  It’s a day-to-day existence, full of ups and downs.  You make the most of your opportunities in baseball as you do in life.”  Ernie is most certainly looking down from Heaven today, smiling, knowing that in the end, “the game” will always give you more than it takes away.  As Ernie would say:  “That’s baseball.”  I hope I have at least made myself “perfectly” clear.  So…

Take me out to the ball game,

Take me out with the crowd,

Buy me some peanuts and hopefully some peace of mind for Armando Galarraga and Umpire Jim Joyce!

**********

I’m Big Al Muskavito.  Now go out and have a perfect day…or at least come close.

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Charlie Sheen has agreed to plead guilty to a misdemeanor for allegedly threatening to kill his wife with a knife on Christmas Eve while vacationing in Colorado.  Oh, by the way, he says he was intoxicated at the time.  Sheen’s attorney’s cut a deal which will get him just 30 days in jail – which will be cut to 15 with good behavior.

- I think this is the first time the words “Charlie Sheen” and “good behavior” have appeared in the same sentence. 

- So Charlie may only do 15 days… If only Kwame had run for Mayor of Aspen. 

- I’m sure Charlie is going to meet a lot more than Two and a Half Men in the Slammer.

- Getting drunk and trying to kill your wife with a knife on Christmas Eve… Is it just me or does this just scream “Normal Rockwell Painting”?

*****

The Supreme Court has ruled that “the right to remain silent” doesn’t mean you can actually stay silent.  They said that police have a right to interrogate a suspect – even after reading them their Miranda rights - until he or she actually says, “I’m invoking my right to remain silent”. 

- It’s kind of like that Bill Clinton thing… “It depends what your definition of ‘is’ is”.

- Speaking of Bill Clinton, I heard he’s interested in this “Miranda” person.

- Ventriloquists dummies filed an immediate appeal.

*****

Britain’s Daily Star says that since divorcing Guy Ritchie and taking up with a much younger male model, Madonna is starting to feel old.  The solution?  She’s decided to treat herself to $200,000 worth of plastic surgery. 

- Ironically, by the time the surgery’s are done she’ll have a new boy friend anyway.

- So she won’t be “Like a Virgin”… she’ll just look like one. 

- Word is that years ago Virgin Airlines put her on their “No-Fly” list.

- She’s going for that “Heidi Montag” look… but no one knows what that is since it seems to change on a daily basis. 

- The Daily Star is also reporting that Fergie, the Duchess of York, is also getting plastic surgery because she’s having trouble “saving face”. 

*****

A Doctor at Britain’s University of Birmingham claims that having dad’s present during childbirth may hurt their self-esteem.  Dr. Jonathan Ives says he believes men think they will play a more involved role in the process, then end up just holding their wife’s hand.  That allegedly makes the dad feel like a failure and makes it harder for him to bond with the baby.  The solution, he says, is for men to stay in the waiting room.

- Especially if there’s a really big sports event playing on the waiting room TV.

- Why not just have him pop in to see his wife for a minute or two… You know, like he did during the conception.

- The Hospitals where Maury Povich’s guests give birth are going to have to double the size of the waiting room since there are so many guys who could be the father!

- I had six daughters and wasn’t allowed in the delivery room for any of their births.  All the magazines in the waiting room were old, tattered, pages ripped out… I’ll tell you, when push came to shove, it was no picnic for me either!

***** 

AND FINALLY… A STORY THAT WE TOTALLY MADE UP:

Rumor has it, that the economic downturn has even hit the frozen vegetable industry.  Insiders say the “Jolly Green Giant” is flat broke and has agreed to appear in a “Soft Corn” Movie to make extra cash.  “I’m not proud, said the Giant, but I’ve got to do what’s necessary to make ends meet”.  In an attempt to maintain his dignity, the big green guy promises there will be no frontal nudity having inserted a “No Niblets” clause in his contract.  

BREAKING NEWS... TIPPER PUTS AL GORE IN LOCK BOX

According to ALL news sources, Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper are calling it quits after 40 years of marriage.  In a statement released today, the couple announced that they are separating - and that the parting is “mutual”. No further details were announced, nor will be forthcoming. While no one is happy to see any marriage break up, still we’re in the comedy business. Thusly… 

- Al may believe in Global Warming… but Tipper says things are rather cool in the bedroom. 

- In the pool “Who Would Divorce First, the Gore’s or the Clinton’s” I picked the Clintons.  What was I thinking?

- Somewhere in Florida a woman has chained herself to a desk demanding a recount.  

- Maybe Tipper wasn’t happy with Al’s “Hanging Chad”!

- It all started when Al found out that Tipper voted for George W. instead of him… Talk about “An Inconvenient Truth”.  

- Rumor has it that Al is now sleeping on John Edwards couch and that Bill Clinton has flown to Tennessee to “console” Tipper.  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

The British Press is reporting that Lady Gaga is afraid of ghosts and has hired so-called “Ghostbusters” to clear the area back stage before all of her future performances.  She is allegedly terrified of “bad energy”. 

- The head of the Local Ghost Union, who goes by the name “Casper”insists all ghosts are friendly.  He added, “Lady Gaga has nothing to worry about.  We Ghosts are actually afraid of her”.

From Gaga to Godiva…

On yesterday’s date in 1678, Lady Godiva rode naked through Coventry, England to protest high taxes. 

- Coincidentally yesterday Lady Gaga rode through Coventry, England on horseback fully clothed.  Why?  Because she’s weird. 

*****

Superman made his first appearance in the comics on this date in 1938 – meaning he turns 72 today.

- And thanks to Cialis he’s still able to tell Lois Lane, “Up, Up and Away!”

*****

Chinese scientists have finally figured out why the Great Wall has stood for 600 years.  Turns out the mortar holding the bricks together is a mixture of lime and sticky rice flour.  It has such a strong microstructure that even after six centuries, weeds can’t grow between the bricks.

- The scientists discovered this by accident… They just picked one item from Column A and one from Column B.

- This my friends is the real “Ancient Chinese Secret”

- Here’s an idea:  Why doesn’t BP mix up a batch to try and plug the oil gusher in the Gulf!

*****

Fergie, the Dutchess of York appears on Oprah today where she will reportedly claim that she was broke and drunk when she was caught on videotape offering to sell access to her ex, Prince Andrew for $700,000.  Us Weekly reports that she’s a shopaholic who wants to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”.

- Wait… a shopaholic who wants to be on DWTS. Are they talking about Fergie or Oprah? 

- Let’s see… Fergie likes to get drunk, trade cash for influence and spend a lot of money.  I say we elect her to Congress.

- I think she’s going on Oprah in the hopes of winning a new car!

***** 

Speaking of celebrities (sort of) reality-show star Heidi Montag and her reality show husband Spencer Pratt have separated.  Heidi, who recently underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day claims that Spencer is “brainwashing” her. 

- Which, I believe, is impossible if one doesn’t have a brain. 

Reps for the couple say they have no plans to divorce – that this is just a “hiccup” in their relationship.

- If you’ve seen pictures of Heidi’s new implants you know that if she hiccups she could knock herself unconscious.

- Spencer says he’s so commited to making it work, he’s willing to become a whole new guy.  Why not?  She’s already become a whole new girl. 

*****

The food police at the Center for Science in the Public Interest have just announced their picks for the nine least healthy restaurant items in America.  Included on the list:  California Pizza Kitchen’s Tostada Pizza with grilled steak (which has the calorie and fat equivalent of a pepperoni pizza with six beef tacos on top) and the Cheesecake Factory’s Chocolate Tower Truffle Cake.  Weighing in at ¾ of a lb. it has over 1600 calories and is the equivalent of eating 14 Hostess Ho-Hos. 

- Didn’t Tiger Woods date a Hostess Ho-Ho?

- Nutritionists say you’d have to be a “Ding-Dong” to eat this stuff.

- But it’s okay as long as you wash it all down with a Diet pop.

An Incredible "Star-Spangled Banner"...

Happy Memorial Day!  I hope you’re having a safe, fun weekend, and I hope, like me, you’re displaying your American Flag. 

This year, I have the incredible honor of flying a one-of-a-kind Flag.  Let me go back a bit…

Some of you may remember Navy Captain David Lousman and his wonderful wife Carol.  They called us on the air one day – from Japan – where Dave is stationed.  Originally from the Detroit area, they regularly listened to our show over the internet while having dinner (there is an eleven hour time difference). We had a great talk and found out that Dave was about to become Captain and Commanding Officer of the nuclear powered aircraft carrier, the USS George Washington. The ship, which is currently stationed in the Sea of Japan, is home to 5000 service men and women… a virtual city on the water. 

Over the months, we spoke with Dave and Carol and then were thrilled when they surprised us by coming into the studio during a trip home. 

They are both exceptional people – the kind that really make you proud to be an American.    

Imagine how surprised I was when I received an official letter from Captain Lausman that the American Flag they would raise on the USS George Washington on March 26, 2010 – my last day on the air – would be flown in my honor. 

Wow.  I was stunned. 

Soon after I received a package from Dave and Carol in the mail.  It contained a video of the Flag ceremony, pictures, an official proclamation, and the actual Flag itself. 

I really don’t have the words to describe how I felt when I saw it – or how I feel now as I watch it flying out my window in the hot, humid breeze of this Memorial Day. 

But I do know that I am humbled and honored by this exceptional act of kindness, and eternally grateful to Dave and Carol, the men and women of the USS George Washington, their families – and all members of the U.S. Armed Forces – both past and present – for the incredible sacrifices they – and their loved ones make, to insure that America is, and always will be, “The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave”! 

A Tribute to the Courageous Men and Women of Our Armed Forces Who Have Made the Ultimate Sacrifice

Over the last several years I recited the following poem on the air in honor and in memory of the brave men and women who have laid down their lives so that we can live ours.

 “The Inscription” was sent to us by a listener, Paul Reside.  Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned this poem around 1932.  The poem had been printed in the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day” or as we know it today – “Memorial Day”.  Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, who was a WWI Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.

Share “The Inscription” with your family and friends.  It is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.

 Have a Safe Memorial Weekend…and God Bless America!

 Dick

 THE INSCRIPTION

By Annabelle Gunnett Jones

“Here lies an American Soldier

Known but to God.”

As I read the words over softly

I said to myself, “how odd!”

For I knew the Unknown Soldier

Ever since he was a lad.

He was just an average boy

Neither too good or too bad.

He liked to play ball, and marbles

Climb trees, fish and swim.

Collect moths and arrowheads

Or whatever suited his whim.

I watched him grow to Manhood

And fall in love with a fair-haired lass.

While half a war torn world away

The cry was “They shall not pass.”

I was there on the station platform

When he kissed his sweetheart goodbye.

There he started his journey

To a foreign land to die.

Letters came from o’er the billows

What a story they did tell!

Then - the message - he was missing

In the Argonne’s flaming hell.

Back across the restless ocean

To his own dear native shore.

They brought his broken body home

Here to sleep for evermore.

Back and forth, the sentry paces

With his firmly shouldered gun.

Ever guarding the sleep of the soldier

Called “Unknown” by everyone.

But I know his name, so listen!

While I tell it to everyone.

He’s not an Unknown Soldier

For his Mother called him — Son.

The Week That Was...

Friday again.  And not just Friday… the start of a long weekend!  

It was an amazing week… After dragging Detroit through the mud for what seems like forever, Kwame is finally settled in his new home.  And this time it’s not a million dollar mansion in Dallas.  I guess a realtor might describe it as “a one-bedroom, one-bathroom fixer-upper – with lots of neighbors and within walking distance of bars!”  That reminds me, I’ve got to run out and get him a cell-warming gift…

Unfortunately oil continues to gush into the Gulf of Mexico from that BP disaster…  What a tragedy!  As I write this, they’re pumping mud and golf balls into the hole to try to slow it down enough for them to pour in concrete and seal it off.  (I heard that Elin Nordegrin volunteered to have Tiger Woods go down and personally place each golf ball directly in the hole).

On a lighter note… A lot of TV shows wrapped up this week… DWTS, American Idol, Lost, 24… I think the only show that didn’t have a “MUCH-ANTICIPATED, MUST-SEE 2-HOUR SEASON FINALE” was the Local Wetlands Board Meeting on Cable Access. 

As for me… I enjoyed the fabulous weather, spent a lot of time outside reading a great book by Late Late Night Host Craig Ferguson, and really just relaxed… until I heard the words I had been dreading for weeks:

“Honey… I think it’s time to clean the garage!!!” 

Talk about a mood-wrecker. 

It’s not that I don’t help around the house… I’m great at taking out the garbage, rinsing dishes, and putting away socks.  I even replace the toilet paper (For those of you skeptics out there, I actually put it on the roll, not just balance it on top, thank-you) - but the whole “garage-thing” has always been a weak point for me.  First of all, it’s A GARAGE.  It’s supposed to get a little dirty, right?  Not according to Gail.  She has it more organized than the Ferndale Public Library. 

“What’s to clean?” I asked sheepishly.  “It looks great… honest!”  She then gave me that sweet, nice-try-but-you’re-not-getting-out-of-this look.  “We need to move the cars out, sweep, and then scrub the floor”. 

“But I have to work on tomorrows show”, I said quickly – temporarily forgetting that I didn’t have a show to work on.  Oh well! 

And so we cleaned the garage.  And I have to say… it looks exactly like it did before.  Perfect!

And that’s how I hope your weekend goes.  Speaking of which, Monday is Memorial Day and in honor of that, Saturday morning we will post the words to “The Inscription”.  It’s a beautiful piece written in the 1930’s by a Grandmother in Ohio that I’ve I read on the air over this weekend every year for the last ten years or so.   It was dedicated to those American’s lost in WWI… but her words are just as fitting today as they were then. 

God Bless America!

-Dick

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Move Over Florine Mark… Try the Jacktown Diet!

Now that Kwame is behind bars, details of his incarceration are coming to light.  Most importantly… the Prison Menu!  According to sources his first dinner was a choice of Pork Stew or Black Bean Stew over noodles with an Orange or Strawberry Sherbet.  Breakfast was bacon and eggs… and lunch?  A choice of a PB&J sandwich or a hot dog. That’s not a lot of food for a guy as big as Kwame!

- Word has it he already asked Carlita to bring him a nail file with a cake hidden in it.

*****

Last night, paint store clerk Lee DeWyze surprised many by beating out Crystal Bowersox to win “American Idol”.  The star studded finale featured performances from everyone from the Bee Gee’s to Alice Cooper to William Hung.  Plenty of celebs sat in the audience as well – among them, Christy Brinkley and David Hasselhoff.  Even the “Pant’s on the Ground” guy was there…

- Speaking of pants on the ground, neither Jesse James or Tiger Woods were in attendance.

- Paula Abdul surprised everyone by showing up… SOBER!

- Guest Singer Joe Cocker said Paula looked great…but added that he couldn’t understand a word she said.

- Speaking of Joe Cocker… between his and William Hung’s performances, I found myself longing for a good old-fashioned Bob Dylan song.

“SIMON SAYS”… SO LONG!

Much of the two-hour finale was devoted to paying homage to Simon Cowell who is leaving after nine seasons as the shows most famous and critical judge.  He was surprisingly humble in his goodbye speech – claiming that the viewers are the real judges…

- … then added that they are doing a horrible job.

A lot of comments came in saying that though he was harsh, viewers really appreciated Simon’s honesty. 

- So next time your boss calls you a “talentless complete waste of time” be sure to thank him for his honesty. 

Ellen DeGeneres joked that Simon “wants her” and has been hitting on her all season.

- Wait… I’m confused. I thought Ryan Seacrest was hitting on Simon all season.

*****

Yesterday, Disney was rocked by an insider trading scandal… The Feds in L.A. arrested the assistant to a top Disney exec and her boyfriend for allegedly trying to sell top-secret company info. Disney has denied one of the so-called secrets -  that they’re trying to sell ABC. 

- Everybody sing!  “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to jail they go!”

- Although to be fair, I don’t think telling people “It’s a Small World After All” qualifies as “inside information”.

- The most interesting info they had was that Mickey and Minnie Mouse are seeing a sex therapist. 

  - In a related story, it was on this date 50 years ago that Donald Duck lost his pants in an insider trading deal gone wrong.

*****

COMING TOMORROW TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU… “The Week That Was” - a thrilling wrap-up of the week’s top events and my exciting life in retirement! Do the words “clean the garage” mean anything to you? 

See ya Friday!

-Dick  

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us" - Plus a Commentary by Big Al

The NFL has chosen the new open-air Meadowlands stadium in New York/New Jersey for the 2014 Superbowl game which of course is played in February.  Did you notice we said OPEN AIR…

- I guess they’re hoping Global Warming kicks in by then. 

*****

Miss America has been rescued from cable TV!  Starting next year, the pageant will be aired on ABC-TV, Channel 7.

- ABC’s plan is to get rid of the judges and have the women parade around in front of a bachelor who will pick out his favorite.  Then instead of a crown, he’ll give her a rose. 

- CBS was turned down because they wanted Charlie Sheen to be the only judge. 

- Spike TV was axed – they wanted the swimsuit competition held in a pool of Jell-O. 

*****

And now here’s Big Al with a few thoughts…

Thanks Dick and hello everyone… Well, could we say goodbye two more polar opposite Detroit personalities on Tuesday?  Kwame Kilpatrick and Steve Yzermen.  But only one of these guys has been skating on thin ice.

Observations:

Ironically on Tuesday both Kwame and Steve both got 5 years!  Kwame in the slammer (the penalty box, if you will) and “The Captain” signed for 5 years as the new General Manager for the Tampa Bay Lightening.  (Kwame probably feels like he was just hit by lightening!)

It’s hot and humid where Stevie Y is going.  And we all know one day Kwame is going to head south to a REALLY hot place.  You can stick a pitchfork in him Devil, he’s done!

Steve Yzerman signed for millions with Tampa Bay that he deserves and Kwame Kilpatrick took us for millions that he didn’t.

Steve Yzerman was a prolific scorer with a little black puck.  Kwame Kilpatrick was always looking up who to text next from his little black book.

Steve Yzerman is in the Hall of Fame and Kwame Kilpatrick is in the Hall of Shame. (thank you Fox 2)

As a leader, Steve Yzerman took the Red Wings to the Promised Land.  As a leader, Kwame Kilpatrick broke his promises.

Steve Yzerman is heading to a team that needs rebuilding.  Kwame Kilpatrick tore us down and left us in a shambles.

Steve Yzerman worked hard to get into the record books.  Kwame Kilpatrick got the book thrown at him.

So on Tuesday we said goodbye two big public figures that both cast giant shadows.  One positive on the city of Detroit, the other negative.  And if I had my way, I’d love to see both Stevie and Kwame together at the Joe Louis Fist.  First “The Fist” would unfurl and extend its hand in congratulations to “The Captain” on a job well done.  Then in a perfect world “The Fist” would swing back and slap Kwame into the next county.

Good luck Stevie!  Good riddance Kwame!  And goodbye for now from your friend Big Al!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

“D-Day” for Kwame in the “D” 

You could almost hear the violins playing as Kwame stood and addressed Judge David Groner this morning – insisting that he’s a changed man. But the judge didn’t buy it and as I’m sure you’ve heard, the former Mayor was sentenced to a maximum of five years in the slammer – with a minimum of a year-and-a-half for violating his probation.  When the verdict was announced there was an audible gasp in the courtroom…

- The gasp actually came from the prison cook who suddenly realized he was going to have to double tonight’s recipe for Franks and Beans.

- A lot of people were thrilled with the verdict – even the Spirit of Detroit and the Joe Louis Fist gave each other a high-five.

- Remember the good old days when the mayor of Detroit just had a kid out of wedlock and his police chief hid a load of Kuggerands in his ceiling?   

*****

Economists say Europeans are bracing for the end of their beloved welfare states because they’ve run up an insurmountable debt and have to slash their budgets.  The Prime Minister of Great Britain has already slashed the budget by 9 billion dollars including cutting limo service for all but four government officials.     

- Charles and Camilla will continue to get around on horseback

- The Queen is pitching in by trading in her golden carriage for a Honda… Although Prince Charles has offered to buy her a Toyota.

Meanwhile in France the government is considering raising the legal retirement age for full pension benefits beyond the current level of 60 years.

- That’s just plain rude.  Which makes perfect sense coming from the French. 

- The government is also considering putting a comedy tax on the rental of Jerry Lewis films – which they believe could bring in enough money to single-handedly solve the crisis. 

*****

An inmate at a prison in Britain found an ingenious new use for a Sony Playstation.  He attached the video game machine’s motor to a ballpoint pen with a sharpened end – thus creating a makeshift “Tattoo Machine”. 

- Now all the guys on his cellblock have an “I Heart Super Mario Bros.” tat on their chests.

- In a related story… he turned his Wii into a makeshift urinal.

*****

Dr. Raymond Adamcik was arrested in Florida during a “bar crawl” for medical professionals.  He allegedly groped a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito stuffed in his pants. 

- Things could have been worse… He could have dropped his chalupa.

- His defense lawyer claimed it was not a burrito in his pants – he was just happy to see her. 

- I’d expect this kind of behavior from, say, “The Green Horny-net” but not Captain America!

*****

For the second time in several weeks, a chapter of Pi Beta Phi has been accused of engaging in “Animal House” behavior.  In the latest incident, the Ohio Chapter is accused of trashing an Arts Center – the site of their spring dance.  They say attendees drunkenly had a food fight, threw dishes, up-chucked on carpets, tried to rip the clothes off a female bartender and even broke a bathroom sink while…um… having relations on top of it.  By the way, Pi Beta Phi is a SORORITY…

- …The most Popular sorority on campus!

- Where were these girls when I was in college?

- “It was all a misunderstanding”, said they’re House Mother – a Miss Tonya Harding.

- To be fair, the seniors were over-excited because they’d just found out they’d been accepted into the WWF.

*****

Speaking of Girls Gone Wild… Despite failing to attend her alcohol education classes and repeatedly missing hearings, Lindsay Lohan is not going to jail.  For the time being she has to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and submit to random drug tests.  A source close to the family said Lindsay was “furious” with the ruling because she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong.

- Of course that’s just the booze and drugs talking. 

By the way, Lindsay showed up for the hearing eight minutes late.

- According to sources she went to the ladies room to “un-powder” her nose. 

*****

Are we having fun yet?  Deakin University in Australia believes they’ve discovered the key to a long lasting marriage:  The husband shouldn’t be too much happier than the wife.  After studying tens of thousands of couples, they found that the bigger the “Happiness Gap”, the more likely a couple was to break up.

- So the bottom line is… if you want a long, happy marriage, make sure you and your spouse are equally miserable!

"If It's In The News... It's News To Us"

Last night, ABC’s two and a half-hour finale of “Lost” left many viewers, well, uh, “lost”.  It ended with the character Jack meeting his dead dad and many of the other castaways at his own funeral.  Some say it means they’re all dead.

- Well possibly… it was all a DREAM!

Meanwhile on the finale of Celebrity Apprentice, Poison singer Bret Michael’s beat out Holly Robinson Peete.  He flew to New York after having a brain hemorrhage and a “warning stroke” to be there when Donald Trump announced, “You’re hired”.

- Trump immediately changed his mind when he realized he now had to pay for Bret’s healthcare. 

*****

Fergie… Fergie… Fergie…

The Dutchess of York is in hot water… 
Sarah Ferguson, ex-wife of Britain’s Prince Andrew was caught on tape selling access to her ex-husband.  A journalist, posing as a businessman, gave her a bag with $40,000 cash – plus agreed to wire $700,000 more into her account.  Fergie has apologized profusely and claims that she is desperate for money.

- When the Queen heard this, she fell off the Throne – and knocked over the plunger.

- Apparently, when Fergie served as a Spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, the weight she lost was all in her brain.

*****

Officials in Washington, D.C. say some high school students are complaining that the free condoms handed out by school nurses are too small and low quality.  So the city has decided to start handing out Trojan condoms – including the companies “Super-Size Magnum”.

- And to think I used to complain about the food in the school cafeteria…

- I guess the “Magnum” is just another example of “Bigger Government”.

- Most of the male students have already applied to USC… Home of the Trojans.

- Those unfamiliar with condoms can find all the answers to their questions in a manual that will be handed out.  It’s a pop-up book.

*****

Over the weekend, Briton Don Wales and his team broke the world land speed record for a lawnmower.  After showing that the mower could actually cut grass, he took it on a speed course and made it up to an astounding 87 miles per hour. 

- The “Fastest Weed-Wacker” part of the competition was cancelled due to an unfortunate accident…

- While driving the mower home, Mr. Wales was ticketed by police for a “Mowing Violation”.

- The good news is he broke the record.  The bad news is he has to return the lawn mower to the neighbor he borrowed it from.

*****

Michael Jackson fans in Japan are coughing up $1000 a piece for the chance to spend the night in a room filled with a collection of his clothes, awards and other possessions on June 25^th – the 1^st anniversary of his death.  Organizers say being with possessions of loved ones on the anniversary of their death is an important ritual.

- Right… and charging a thousand bucks for it is an important “Rich”-ual for the organizers.

- I just hope the items aren’t “Bubbles” wrapped. 

- For $2000 bucks you can to spend the night with his collection of noses.

- TOTALLY UNTRUE FACT:  This event was predicted by “Nostril”-damus two thousand years ago. 

- For an extra free, Dr. Murray, Michael’s personal physician will give you a dose of Propofol to help you sleep. 

*****

On this date in 1844, Samuel Morse opened America’s first telegraph line by transmitting the message, “What hath God wrought!”

- LITTLE KNOWN HISTORICAL FACT:  in 1855, Kwame Kipatrick’s great, great grandfather was caught up in a sex telegraph message scandal.