Police in Maryland have posted a "Pumpkin Line-Up" pic of stolen Jack-o-Lanterns they recovered from thieves and are asking people to come forward to "Identify" their missing Pumpkins. 

- Huh?

- There hasn't been a pic of something so orange and rotund since the last shot of OJ in prison.


Rosie O'Donnell says that she's not sure she'll "be able to survive" the rest of the Trump Presidency. 

- Relax Rosie. There were a lot of people who didn't think they were going to survive your time on "The View". 


Two actresses have accused former President George H.W. Bush of touching their butts from his wheelchair while telling them his favorite magician is "David Cop-a-Feel". 

-He got the idea from Bill Clinton who used to tell actresses his favorite musical is "Fondler on the Roof". 


Revelations that the Clintons and the DNC paid the Russians to collect dirt on Donald Trump have even some Hillary supporters saying she did exactly what she accused Trump of doing. 

-  Hillary said, "Oops... I guess I forgot to mention all that REALLY happened in my book 'What Happened'". 


New security measures go into effect today for people flying to the United States, including a "brief conversation" with EACH PASSENGER about their luggage and itinerary. 

- And if you can't trust a Terrorist to tell you what's really in his Samsonite, who can you trust? 


79-year-old Kenny Rogers says he's retiring from performing because he "can't do it like he used to anymore". 

- Kenny obviously knows when it's time to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em.


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!