A Quinnipiac Poll released today shows Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in a statistical dead heat...and that voters don't believe that either of them would make a good President. 

- I still believe we should bring back Mr. Belvedere, the President of the Belvedere Construction Company, because as he always said, "We Do Good Work!" 


74 year old Paul Simon says he's done making music, has no use for Show Biz, and admits that he now needs up to 15 hours of sleep a day. 

- And even with 15 hours worth of "Bed Head" his hair still looks better than Art Garfunkel's. 

- Simon says he might release 3 final singles... "Nursing-Homeward Bound", "The Sound of Silence When I Forget My Hearing Aids", and "I Am A Rock...With Kidney Stones". 


Mike Huckabee's campaign has been forced to pay a $25,000 fine for their unauthorized use of "Eye of the Tiger."

- And Hillary was fined for using "Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac.

- And Donald Trump has to pay Pink Floyd a million bucks for using the entire album "The Wall". 


A Seattle man was arrested for scanning his penis at a self-checkout kiosk. 

- He should have just gone through the "10 Inches or Less" line. 

- He got a bar code off a sticker on a bunch of bananas. 


A new Zika vaccine has proven to be 100% effective in mice. 

- When the news broke, tens of thousands of mice booked flights to Rio for the Olympics. 


Caitlyn Jenner has denied reports that she'll undergo "Foot Reduction" surgery on her size 13 feet to shorten her toes and allow her to wear more ladylike high heels. 

- Caitlyn knows from her years as a Male athlete that sometimes you have to put up with The Agony of Da Feet.


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!