It's Official...Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. 

- She's says he's "not the man she married" this point, she's not even sure if he's a man. 

- Insiders say the couple has a "Toxic Relationship"...wait...Don't they mean a "Bo-Toxic Relationship"?


The National Counterterrorism Center confirmed that home-grown militants have sneaked back into America. 

- They were going to used doctored passports and disguises, but decided to just walk in from Mexico instead. 

- Luckily, the front door to the White House is now locked. 


Whoopi Goldberg was named the Grand Marshall of New York's upcoming Halloween Parade. 

- In a related story...due to her recent weight loss, this year Rosie O'Donnell will not be attending the Parade as a Float. 

- You don't really need a Parade in NYC to see a lot of people dressed up in scary outfits. Just walk through Times Square during lunch hour. 


Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg's new San Francisco neighbors claim his construction people are hogging all of the parking spaces on their block. 

- To make it up to them, he gave everyone a free life on "Candy Crush Saga". 

- Wow...usually you have to actually meet your new neighbors before they "Unfriend" you. 


Bill Clinton says he's expecting to become a grandfather any day now. 

- In unrelated news...Chelsea's about to have her baby! 


Charlie Sheen is in talks to return to "Two And A Half Men" for it's final season. 

- You know what that means...Extra tips for the Hookers. 


President Obama has taken a lot of heat for saluting two Marines with a cup of coffee in his right hand while getting off the Presidential helicopter. 

- Ever since, he's been getting another kind of salute from people all over the country. 

- If you think he's in trouble now, imagine what Michelle would have done to him if it had been a Big Gulp full of Regular Coke. 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!