The new Miss America says she has an incredible diplomatic opportunity to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine. 

- It should work out great if Vladimir Putin likes "puffy clouds and long walks on the beach" as much as she does!

- And suddenly Dennis Rodman looks like Henry Kissenger. 


Federal Investigators say over 100 young American women have joined up with terrorists in the Middle East. 

- Apparently they were tired of living under their Dads' rules and wanted more freedom... Good luck with that ladies! 

- This is actually good news... They're really gonna slow down the terrorist missions by constantly stopping and asking for directions. 

- Most college age girls like to get bombed on Saturday night, not actually do the bombing. 


A new poll says that 63% of Americans have no idea who's in control of the House. 

- Of the remaining 37%, half think it's "Mom" and the other half thinks it's "Dad". 


Music insiders say the first Live Whitney Houston album will be released on November 10th. 

- Can you say "Bobby Brown needs bail money again"? 


London offered Scotland "new powers" if they vote "No" on seceding from the U.K. tomorrow.

- If that doesn't work, they're sending in Prince Harry and his friends in their Nazi Uniforms. 


A transgender Colorado girl named Scarlett, who used to be known as Andy, was crowned Homecoming Queen by her class. 

- She says she's just like any other girl who used to be a guy and "puts her pantyhose on one leg at a time". 


In the wake of all the recent scandals, the NFL hired four top level domestic violence experts. 

- They start each session with the players by saying "Are You Ready For Some COUNCELING???"


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!