The Wu Tang rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a two-story balcony says it was not a suicide attempt. 

- Suicide attempt, no. Stupid? Absolutely. 

- The way I see it, either way he came up short.


A new study on global employment shows that China's work force is shrinking. 

- This is because of better technology and also the fact that many workers have decided to go on to higher education...and attend 2nd grade instead. 


A shocking new report says that 35 Disney World employees have tried to meet minors in the park for sex since 2006. 

- This explains why "Horny" and "Gropey" have moved in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  


The Army confirmed that Bowe Bergdahl is on desk duty at Fort Sam Houston. 

- He spends most of the day emailing Jihad jokes to his "Tali-Buddies" in Afghanistan. 


Israel and Hamas resumed bombing each other less than 24 hours after Egypt brokered a peace treaty.  

- It wasn't so much a peace treaty as it was a little extra time time for everybody to clean and reload their weapons. 


The FAA is probing a New York representative for using a drone to shoot his wedding video. 

- Usually the only drone at a wedding is a drunken groomsmen who gives an impromptu embarrassing speech about the groom's previous sex life. 


Oscar Pistorius is in hot water again. While out on bail during his murder trial, he went to a nightclub and got into a fight with another patron. His lawyer says going to the nightclub was "probably a bad idea". 

- Ya think? 

- But there were so many women their just dying to meet him. 

- To his credit, he stuck to beer and didn't do any shots. 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!