NASA wants to put astronauts into a deep sleep to save money on the 180-day trip to Mars. 

- They'll either inject them with anesthetic or play a continuous loop tape of "Anchorman 2". (Sorry if you thought it was funny...I thought it was beyond bad!)


Despite the dramatic increase in cases of Ebola, the White House announced that the President is not considering a travel ban to/from West Africa. 

- So you can put that trip to Liberia that you've been wanting to take - back on your bucket list...and then kick the bucket! 


The Supreme Court cleared the way for an expansion of same sex marriage in five more states: Indiana, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin and Oklahoma. 

- So if a Lesbian in any one of those five states gets her girlfriend pregnant, she can now make an honest woman out of her! No, wait...


Demi Moore has offered to help ex-husband Ashton Kutcher and his fiancé Mila Kunis with their new baby girl, Wyatt. 

- It makes sense...she's kind of like the kid's Grandmother. 

- Luckily Demi saved all the toys she bought for Ashton when they were dating! 


Bruce Jenner showed up at an Elton John concert the other night with an even more flowing hair-do and white earrings. 

- Elton and Bruce have a lot in common...although Elton's a lot more manly. 

- Bruce's favorite song used to be "Rocketman"... now it's "The Bitch Is Back". 


FBI agents arrested a Chicago teen at O'Hare Airport who was leaving to join ISIS. 

- Remember the good old days when rebellious teens just sneaked behind the school to smoke a cigarette??? 


FBI Director James Comey says there are two kinds of American companies: those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those that don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese. 

- To find out which company you work for, check the FBI's handy chart labeled, "Column A and Column B". 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!