reports that the super-secret script of the season premiere of “Two And A Half Men” has been leaked, and Charlie Sheen’s character does indeed die.  The episode allegedly features celebrities coming to look at his home for sale, and all Charlie’s ex-girlfriends returning for his funeral.  Two anonymous staffers said the show’s creator Chuck Lorre (who is being sued by Sheen for firing him) got a “big vicarious thrill” out of writing it because it was the next best thing to killing Charlie for real.  

- Instead of flowers, the characters will all lay bricks of cocaine on his casket. 

- The service will end with a stirring rendition of Charlie’s favorite hymn, “Nearer My Goddesses To Thee”. 

- Eight “adult” actresses will serve as the porn-bearers… I mean Pall-bearers. 

- With this plot, I’m sure CBS will be “Winning!” in the ratings.